02x18 - The Cruise

[bunniefuu]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

[electric guitar music]

♪ His head don't work and never did ♪

[bleep]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ You'd better not cross his path ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ He's a chain smoker
and alcoholic sociopath ♪

♪ Sociopath ♪

[electric guitar music]

[jazzy music]
[sirens wailing]

- [Narrator] It was really
early Monday morning

and Kevin was packing his lunch

because he had school in seven hours

and because his parents
pretty much didn't give a damn

whether he ate or not.

Kevin liked shopping

because it meant he
didn't have to be at home

and because he got to see
lots of really strange

and unusual things that
he never saw in his house.

Kevin thought the way the
green round thing exploded

when it hit the wall was funny.

Then Kevin got an idea,

which was pretty unusual for him

since he usually just spent
most of his time reacting

to outward stimulus without
really understanding why.

[curious music]

[suspenseful music]

[Kevin sniffing]

- Boo! [laughs]

Made you drop your porno.

Chalk one up for the old man, Broken Head.

The hell are you reading anyway, boy?

Hardcore Amateur Fatties?

Jesus H, what the hell is wrong with you?

All them fine pornos up there

and you pick one full of women

what look like your old lady.

That ain't the point of
nudie magazines, idiot.

Here, sit down.

I think it's time you and
Daddy had a little talk.

- [Narrator] Kevin wasn't really sure

listening to the old man's
advice would do him much good,

mostly because history
pretty much dictated

that it wouldn't.

[lullaby music]
[gorilla snoring]

[monkeys chattering]

- I bet if you poke it with a
stick, he'll do a magic trick.

[gorilla roars]

[man screams]

I mean, the whole point of porno

is so you can look at
women what ain't as bad

or ugly as what you's married to.

All the ladies in here look
just like your old lady.

See, look at this f*ck'
slob havin' a three-way.

She even got the same haircut as your old,

hang on a f*ck' minute.

Is this the new issue, boy?

[laughing]

Take that, Plunt.

Look at the date there,
boy, look at the date.

That's like two weeks after
I gave your mom the gonorrhea

I caught from that wh*re.

Remember that, boy?

The night Mommy and Daddy had the fight

because Daddy gave her a sex disease.

Take that Plunt.

I hope the f*ck' thing falls right off.

Hey, speaking of wh*res,

I found my way to get one when I seen you.

You done the till yet?

Good, I'm a little short
for what I got in mind.

See ya, Broken Head.

Hey, give me a smoke.

[tense music]

I'm gonna take some.

I just need one for the walk over.

Hey!

Don't stay up too late, boy.

You's got school today.

Have fun in the joint, lunatic.

[drum roll]

[smacking]

[cans crashing]

[intense music]

[upbeat music]

[pecil scratching]

[sirens wailing]

[cheerful music]

- Jesus Christ, you f*ck.

Put some pants on at the table.

- I'm sorry, baby.

I couldn't find my pants.

- They is under the boy's
bed where you left them.

Remember?

We done it in his room yesterday

so he wouldn't wake up Joe the mailman.

- Hey, speaking of doing it.

- We ain't got no time baby.

Percy gets parole today.

He's gonna be home any minute.

[door bell rings]
[suspenseful music]

[horse neighing]
[country music]

[door bell rings]

[bright music]

- Are you Kevin Spencer?

Then congratulations!

You're our grand prize winner
of the family vacation!

- [Narrator] Kevin was excited.

He'd never won anything before in his life

because he didn't usually
participate in society.

Kevin thought of all the cool

and wonderful places you could go.

[accordion music]

[Chinese music]

[Egyptian music]

The more Kevin thought about
it, the more he realized

that a family vacation
wouldn't be much fun

if he had to spend it with his parents.

So he decided not to tell them

and find some other
people to take with him.

[upbeat music]

- For the last time,
you can't go to Jupiter.

Pick somewhere else.

[gulping]

[angelic music]

- Fine.

The ship leaves in four days
from dock 32 down at the pier.

You and a maximum of three
other family members can go.

- [Narrator] Kevin made a mistake

and got to the pier early.

So he decided to go back
home and wait instead

because he was cold.

- [moaning] Oh yes!

Oh!

Grab a brewski, boy.

Daddy's home and we's celebratin'.

- Hey, boy.

Bring one for the old man too.

[sad music]

Jesus, he's so dressed off ay?

- Oh yeah!

He stood in the corner of
the kitchen the other day

for seven straight hours.

Jesus, we laughed.

- Who's we?

- Charlie came over

to see how I was getting along on my own.

- Oh I bet that's what he was lookin' for.

I suppose the mailman was with him too.

- That was just a one time thing,

on account I was drunk.

You's the only man I stick with.

Them others is just to
help me with my needs.

- So it's fine for you
to be bangin' my friends

but I ain't allowed to get no prost*tute.

- Be different if you was
workin' but money's tight

and I'm sick of always
running outta smokes

at the end of the month.

- I don't see you
gettin' off your lazy a*s

and lookin' for no job.

- I got responsibilities at home.

The boy ain't gonna
raise himself, as*h*le.

- He's old enough he should be working.

- He's got even less
job skills than you got.

- And I ain't got none at all.

[laughing]

- Let's rock the house Fat Man!

- [Narrator] It was the
day before the big cruise

and Kevin was all packed

and just about as excited
as a sociopath can be.

He decided not to tell his
family about the cruise

because he hated them

and wanted to bring along
some people that he liked.

Unfortunately, all the
people Kevin liked said no

because they didn't know him
or were really afraid of him.

- I see you got some smokes there kid.

You interested in trading some

for a few pulls on a bottle of hooch?

- [Narrator] Kevin liked
the idea of getting drunk

with transients.

So he said yes.

- My friends call me T.W.
on account of my tape worm.

- My friends call me
V.W. on account of my van

and my venereal warts.

[seagulls squawking]

[sad slow music]

[gulping]

- Oh!

God damn, that burns some going down.

- Pretty good ain't it, kid?

Me and Ike made it ourselves.

What do ya think?

- [Narrator] Kevin didn't
really know what to think

because he'd kind of drifted off

and was thinking about jack rabbits.

[bright bouncy music]

The big day had finally
arrived and Kevin was excited.

Kevin really wanted to get
on the boat and go to sleep.

So he figured he'd better hurry up

and rob Ike and Mo before they woke up.

- Oh, Kevin.

Kevin.

Come out, come out.

Wherever you are.

Allen wants to play.

Good morning sleepy head.

You and Allen have to talk.

Maybe we should have a smoke
first to calm my nerves.

Woo, baby!

The goose needed that.

You been asleep for 11 hours, Broken Head.

You know that goose can't go that long

without nicotine and booze.

Now fix us a drink and have a seat.

You're not a very likable kid, Kevin.

You're not good at anything

and you don't come from a
rich and powerful family

so you can't even work the Kennedy angle

to make people like you.

Now what's to like about you, Kevin?

Ask yourself that.

That's why Allen came up
with this master plan.

You and me is gonna bank roll that money

you took from those guys
and make us a fortune.

Since no one else can see me,

I'll just look at all
the other players' cards

and tell you how much to bet.

Jesus Christ, Kevin!

You ain't gotta write this down.

I'm live in your f*ck' head.

Just ask me if you forget somethin'.

Ah, screw it!

Just do what you're
told, when you're told.

Now, let's go to the casino

and get us some of that
complimentary alcohol.

[soft slow music]

♪ No matter what you choose ♪

♪ No matter what you lose ♪

[coins clanging]

♪ It's just another day ♪

♪ Again you lose your pay ♪

♪ I have lost everything ♪

- Hmm.

- I shouldn't of come

to thinkin' the cat done
got that boy's tongue.

You better piss or get
off the pot, Kemosabe.

Booyah!

Gimme some sugar Lucy May!

[laughing]

- I think it's your move Earl.

- Put a lid on it Lucy May.

Iffen I wanted to hear you blabberin'

I'd have bought you some teeth in stead

of them t*tties. [laughing]

Big Earl made a f*ck' funny.

I guess your rides will word
cashin' in all your chips.

You's calling the square dance partner,

let's see if you've got
enough to pay the band.

♪ The tension is rising ♪

♪ Lost my house and my wife ♪

♪ Whoopy doo check out those breasts ♪

- Ring a dang dong.

Three ladies and a gentleman friend.

You got yourself a regular
orgy there professor.

Ain't too much in the
world gonna beat that.

Booyah!

[sniffling]

- I believe you just
done got taken to school

and got yourself an F.

Now unless you been holdin' back a steak,

I suggest you mosey your a*s out the chair

and make room for someone with some money.

♪ Gambling screwed up my life ♪

♪ And I'm a loser ♪

[screaming]

- You ain't gotta take that, boy.

You oughta learn that, oh Jesus, it's her!

Forget I said anything, Lunatic.

- [Narrator] It was the widow Caulsin,

who lived around the corner from Kevin.

Kevin was afraid of her
because she was the only person

he had ever met who
was crazier that he was

and because her years of old age,

had given her a drug tolerance
even higher than Kevin's.

- Whose dealing?

- Now hold up little lady.

We got what you might call a
gentleman's game going on here.

Might you fair a bit more

on the side of common
sense if you'd just watch.

- I ain't takin' no guff from you, fatty!

Just because I'm a senior
citizen doesn't mean

I'm gonna let you push me around.

- Well if you're so high on equality,

what's say we raise the minimum.

See if we can't make this game here

a little more interesting than
a pussycat with two assholes.

- Hey!

Houdini tried that number with me.

He got me drunk and
tried to French kiss me.

So I k*lled him.

- How does 500 a game grab ya?

- That's fine.

- That's too rich for my blood.

- Hold up sunny boy, this
here's a game for adults.

- [Narrator] Kevin told Earl

that he was just small for his age

because he'd been smoking two packs a day

since he was seven.

- Ding a dang dong.

Alrighty then, how's about we make

this a regular old hand of straight poker?

One draw, nothing wild.

Except me in the bedroom.

- You're disgusting!

Who'd want to sleep with you anyway?

You're fat!

Deal the cards before
my medication kicks in

and I can't focus.

[mysterious music]

Buy a hundred and I'll take two.

- I'm in.

Three.

- I'll see your five, raise you two

and gimme four cards.

- I thought this was supposed
to be a friendly game.

I'm not having any fun.

I don't imagine you
would, lookin like that.

Here's 20 bucks.

Go get your teeth fixed.

You limy f*gg*t.

- I'll see your 200 and call.

- I'm gone.

[g*n fires]

Ah diddly dee!

Looks like we's down to a menage a trois.

Whatcha say we drop our pants,

see who got the cleanest bum.

Big Earl's in for two pair,

Jack's over eights with
a b*llet on the outside.

Mister, playing with you is more fun

than playing with myself

and your looking at a man who enjoys

taking a crotch poodle out for walkies.

- He can't leave it alone not at all.

- Well little lady, time to
check your bags at customs.

[intense music]

- Put that in your pipe and
smoke it, Mister Cartright.

Tell Hopsing I want a Mint Julep.

- Well, well, well.

This here may be harder than trying

to teach shoe-tying to Lucy May.

- [laughs] I just wear
penny loafers mostly.

- Ding a dang dong.

Big Earl ain't up for nothin'

if he ain't up for a challenge.

What's say we throw the
limit right out the window,

see if we can't make this worth our while.

- Count me in.

And listen here, big hat.

I don't care what you
told Hoss and Little Joe.

I don't believe for a
minute your wife died

of natural causes.

- Okay well that just
leaves you sunny boy.

You ready to step up and
play with the big boys?

[bouncy music]

- Why, look at him.

Look at him, Earl.

He's hopping around like
a damn bunny rabbit.

Look at him, Earl.

Look, look.

- Boy, you in or out?

Woo doggy, we're gonna have us one hell

of a barn burner of a poker game.

Go get me a steak sandwich, Lucy May.

Big Earl's hunkerin' down.

Ding a dang dong.

It's your deal whipper snapper.

[intense music]
[clock ticking]

[bouncy music]

- I'm supposing that
boy might just done ate

some loco weed behind all our backs.

You in or out, Hoppy?

Ding a dang dong.

I guess all that's left to do here is see

who brung the biggest
monkey to the line dance.

- Full house.

Where the hell is Hopsing with my drink?

- Your turn in the spotlight, sunshine.

[upbeat music]

- Hey, Pa, send one of
your ranch hands over

to change my diaper and
take me back to my room.

Time for my medication.

- I ain't Pa Cartright.

- Shut up you Communist.

Coming back to Canada all highfalutin.

Acting like you're slumming.

I'm gonna write a letter
to Senator McCarthy.

Let her know what you're up to.

You're an evil man.

That's probably why that
kid of yours had a daughter

that went blind.

God was punishing you.

- How's about we call it a night?

Big Earl could use some shut eye.

What's say we rendezvous here
tomorrow night, same time.

Finish this little tete-a-tete.

- This is the worst cruise I've been on

since the Titanic and most of
the people on that boat died.

Serves them right.

Trying to come over
here and take our jobs.

I'll sink this boat too
if I get half a mind to.

And don't you forget it.

- Shake a tail Lucy May.

- Did you win the game, sugar?

- Ain't but halfway over

but I'm sure enough but
ready to hog tie to pet him.

We all gonna wrap it up tomorrow night.

Now, how's about you and Big Earl go back

to the boudoir and have us some relations?

- You bought'em, I guess
you get to drive'em.

- Ding a dang dong.

I gotta feelin' I'm
settin' a record tonight.

[light music]

- [Narrator] Kevin didn't feel
like going back to his cabin

because he didn't want to be alone.

He sure wished he had a
friend or someone to talk to.

But since he didn't he figured

he'd throw everything he could
pick up, over the railing

because he thought destroying
other peoples' property

was funny and it always made
him feel better about himself.

Then the cough syrup kicked
in and Kevin blacked out.

[suspenseful music]
[thunder crashing]

[rain falling]

[seagulls squawking]

[sorrowful music]

- [Narrator] Kevin was
stranded on a deserted island,

hundreds of miles from civilization

and he was really scared
about having to quit smoking.

Kevin knew he should
start a fire to keep warm

and try and stay alive but
starting fires for survival

instead of fun seemed a
lot like work to Kevin.

And since Kevin figured
work was for assholes,

he figured he'd just lie
down and wait until he died.

Kevin was almost dead when
the cast away man found him.

The man took him to the house he had built

to help mend Kevin back to life.

[upbeat tropical music]

[Kevin sipping]

- [Narrator] Finally the day came

when Kevin was back to his old self.

Even better because Kevin
hadn't had a cigarette

or a drink in over two months.

It was the first time Kevin had been sober

since he was seven.

Kevin knew the man had saved his life.

[sentimental music]

Then one day the man accidentally
stepped on Kevin's hat.

[crunching]

Kevin figured he didn't have to take that.

So he decided to learn the
ignorant son of a b*tch a thing

or two and hit him over the
head with a shank of lumber.

Kevin figured that ought
to straighten things out.

[bouncy music]

[Kevin laughing]

[creepy music]
[Kevin laughing]

[heavy metal music]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ His head don't work it never did ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ You better not cross his path ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ He's a chain smoking,
alcoholic sociopath ♪

♪ Sociopath ♪

- [Old Lady] Shut up you Communist.