03x01 - Homeward Bound

[bunniefuu]

[rock music]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ His head don't work, it never did ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ You better not cross his path ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ He's a chain smoking
alcoholic sociopath ♪

♪ Sociopath ♪

[laughing]

[pleasant music]

Narrator: Kevin was
stranded on a desert island.

He was crazy from the heat
and nicotine withdrawal

and because he was genetically
predisposed to insanity,

which is why all 37 of
the psychiatrists who had

treated him had classified
him as a sociopath.

Even if he wasn't crazy to start with,

he probably would've been by now anyway,

because he hadn't seen another living

human being in almost six months.

He'd also been smoking a
lot of different plants

since he'd run out of cigarettes,

and some of them made Kevin
feel funny and see demons.

Kevin liked those ones the best.

Kevin had tried to make some new friends,

but things hadn't worked out very well,

mostly because he wasn't
properly schooled as

a mechanical engineer.

Even the ones that did sort of work out,

just ended up getting on
his nerves like real people,

leaving Kevin no choice,

but to smash them into annihilation.

Kevin was sad and lonely.

He wanted a friend so bad,

he'd even started to miss his family.

[lawnmower whirring]

Tell the boy to go get me a beer.

He ain't home.

Figured.

as*h*le kid.

Hey, that's my lawnmower.

[dramatic music]

Narrator: Kevin didn't even have his

imaginary friend Allen the
magic goose to play with.

They'd gotten into a power struggle over

who got to be ruler of the new land.

And the goose told Kevin
he could go screw himself.

Kevin had tried to make
up with his imaginary

friend quite a few times,

but the goose wasn't having it.

f*ck off.

f*ck off.

f*ck off.

What he said.

Narrator: Kevin had
had it up to his a*s

with the smart mouthed goose,

so he figured he'd storm
the bird's compound

at sunrise and stage a violent coup.

Kevin fell asleep dreaming
of what it would be like

to be the supreme ruler of the island,

squelching all who defied
him with an iron fist.

[rat squeaking]

[creepy music]

Robot: Die, die, die, die, die, die,

die, die, die, die, die, die,

die, die, die.

[dramatic music]

What in the name of
sweet Christ is going on?

Hey, you broke Louie.

I'm gonna kick your a*s, lunatic.

[intense music]

[bright music]

You mean we were living in squalor

for the last six months

because you were too
god damn stupid to check

the other side of the island?

Narrator: Kevin didn't much care

for the goose giving him no lip.

Especially since he hadn't bothered

to get off his lazy bird
a*s and check either.

I live in your f*ck' head stupid.

I only go where you imagine me going.

I only do what you imagine me doing.

How many times we gotta
go over that, Einstein?

Narrator: Kevin had
forgotten that Allen wasn't real

and only did what he imagined.

So Kevin imagined Allen
pulling his own leg off

and beating himself in the head with it.

He figured that oughta
learn the ignorant b*stard

a thing or two, but he was wrong.

Because he forgot to imagine
Allen learning a lesson.

Put my damn leg back
on and let's you and me

go get us some real
alcohol and cigarettes.

[plucky music]

[pleasant music]

Welcome to Hughtopia, I'm Hugh.

I don't come to know your face son,

and I pride myself on
my powers of recognition

where townsfolk are concerned.

Narrator: Because the
man was too big for Kevin

to k*ll or maim in a fair fight,

Kevin figured he'd lie to him

about who he really was,
while making a mental note

to put Hugh on his list of
enemies to be condemned.

Hm, a self-made millionaire dwarf

fleeing the stifling tax
laws of your homeland?

Well, okay.

You keep your nose out of
trouble like the others

and we'll get along just fine.

Now move it along.

Tell him to go f*ck himself, Kevin.

He'll respect you for standing up to him.

He'll probably make you mayor.

Be smart, Kevin, do it.

Oh and hey, rich or not,

you best find yourself a job.

Hughtopians don't go in for
no welfare or unemployment.

Everyone pulls their weight.

You pull yours, and we'll
get along just fine.

Narrator: Kevin
didn't think telling Hugh

to do the F-word to
himself was good thinking.

So he decided to be more tactful

and express to Hugh that he didn't think

he would spend much time
seeking gainful employment,

since in his opinion
only assholes had jobs.

Uh-oh!

Look you freaking m*dget, you're new

so I'm not going to banish you

to the other side of the island,

and believe me you don't wanna go there.

It's hell on earth.

Don't believe me?

Hey Larry, what's the other
side of the island like?

Hell on earth.

See?

Now you best heed my advice,

or you'll be in for a heap of trouble,

and don't even think of running away.

Nobody leaves Hughtopia, ever.

You gotta tell him to f*ck off now.

You ain't gotta take that broken head.

[plucky music]

[upbeat music]

[man screams]

Wealthy m*dget?

What the hell kinda story is that?

I know you panicked, I live in your head!

Now here's what we gotta do.

Since you ain't man enough
to take a swing at Hugh,

we's gonna have to break the
golden rule and get you a job.

That's the only way we gonna
have access to a cash register,

so that we can steal enough money

to get us some plane tickets outta here.

Narrator: Kevin figured he'd ask around

to see if anyone was hiring.

He knew it would be faster

to get a newspaper and read the want ads,

but since he couldn't read,
he decided it was pointless.

[laughing]

I forgot about that!

[laughing]

[somber music]

Hahaha indeed.

Hello I'm Percy Spencer,

and I'd like to talk to
you about illiteracy.

Imagine what it must
feel like not to be able

to read a restaurant menu, or
fill out a job application.

But help is available.

The future is yours if you're
willing to pick up the phone

and ask your friends at the
literacy hotline for help.

Remember, the less time you have to spend

covering up the fact you can't read,

the more time you'll have
for spear fighting kangaroos

in a room full of exploding
mules and drunken hillbillies.

[upbeat banjo music]

[laughing]

[pleasant music]

[ominous music]

[siren wails]

[pleasant music]

I told you no a half hour ago, idiot.

Didn't I f*ck' tell you, broken head?

But oh no, don't listen to the bird.

We'll do things Kevin's way.

[upbeat music]

Decaf caramel mochaccino,
skim milk, not whole!

Latte double double extra
hot, chocolate sprinkles.

Super tall honey and
jasmine decaf Oriental tea

with steamed cream, brown
sugar, half and half

with a French roast!

[suspenseful music]

[steam hissing]
[screaming]

[intense music]

[upbeat music]

No, you don't get paid
after every shift, stupid.

What is this, your first job?

Look, maybe you should watch
the training video again.

[plucky music]
[monkey screeches]

[film reel whirring]

[soothing music]

There's nothing like the erotic aroma

of fresh coffee beans.

Hello, I'm a hologram of disgraced

silent film comedian Fatty Arbuckle,

and I'm here to talk to you
about Crotch Grinder's Coffee.

The company was founded
in 1814 by J.M. Crotch.

Almost immediately,
friends and family members

pleaded with him to change the name,

but he wouldn't have it because to J.M.

the company was founded
on one simple belief.

Treat people well, and they'll wanna have

some Crotch Grinder going
into their mouth every day.

His wife left him over that one,

but the company prospered.

The earth has been good
to Crotch Grinder's,

and J.M. wasn't the type of
man not to return favors.

That's why, since 1915, Crotch Grinders

has stopped using underpaid child laborers

to pick their beans, unlike some other

coffee companies we won't name.

Instead, J.M. came upon his
second great idea, monkeys!

But not just regular jungle monkeys.

J.M. wanted to help neglected zoo monkeys,

circus monkeys, and monkeys kept in cages

outside gas stations.

These long neglected and abused animals

were rescued from their life of torment,

and returned to their natural habitat

with only a request to
spend a few hours each day

lending a helping hand to Crotch Grinder's

in exchange for freedom and liberation.

We hold these same principles
of compassion, and concern

for the environment today.

And unlike most of our competitors,

who regularly employ sl*ve labor

and whose employees are frequently seen

urinating into rat-infested
bags of open coffee beans

left to rot on filthy floors,

our employees hold those same beliefs.

That's why our beans are
flown in fresh every week

to every one of our stores.

So, the next time you
wanna feel something hot

in your mouth, I urge you
to find some Crotch Grinder

to satisfy the craving.

Oh, and that thing with the
dame, that was consensual.

[dramatic music]

Hopefully that clears--
[monkey screeching]

What the hell are you doin' moron?

You're never gonna
amount to anything, kid.

You're fired!

[laughs]

Narrator: Kevin wasn't real
happy about losing his job,

but since he figured
it was going to happen

sooner or later anyway,
he was glad he'd spent

a good deal of the day
skimming money from the till.

He'd made almost $200.

That was enough for one plane
ticket back to the mainland,

but since Kevin didn't want to
go without his friend Allen,

he spent the money on cough syrup,

cigarettes, and a chainsaw.

Kevin had just enough left over

to get a room for two nights.

Unfortunately, Kevin got
kicked out almost right away

because he cut the coffee table

in the lobby in half with his new saw.

So he spent the night in the park.

Kevin hadn't had any
cough syrup for months,

and he had kind of overdone it,

and was feeling pretty hammered.

Kevin didn't know why, but he
was in about as good a mood

as a sociopath can be, so
he decided to celebrate.

[chainsaw roaring]

[waves crashing]

[chainsaw roaring]

[laughing]

Tough guy, huh?

Well, we'll see about that.

[laughs evilly]

Narrator: Kevin really
wanted to take a poke at Hugh,

but because his arms were strapped in,

he figured he'd just
concentrate really hard

and will polio on him.

Hey, I know that look.

Quit trying to will polio on me.

I don't want to have to do this,

but your behavior has
left me no other option

but to condemn you to the
penultimate death match.

I hope for your sake you're
as tough as you think you are.

[laughs evilly]
[ominous music]

Narrator: Kevin couldn't sleep.

He was scared about what the
penultimate death match was,

and because he couldn't
undo his own zipper

and had wet his pants.

Even though it was against
everything he believed in,

Kevin figured he'd make nice with the man

in the next cell, and see if he knew

what the death match was all about.

[laughs]
Death match.

You ain't gonna like
that, no sir, not one bit.

Ain't legal, but try telling Hugh that.

Fight to the death, gotta
be quick with the hands,

quick with the hands.

No rules, biting, kicking,
hair pulling, no sir.

You ain't gonna like
that none oh man, oh man.

The weak do not survive.

Gotta be quick with the hands, no sir.

Would not wanna be in your shoes.

[ominous music]

[buzzer rings]

Welcome to your last
day on earth, gentlemen,

except for whoever wins.

For that man, welcome to your
last day of incarceration!

Get on the bus.

[ominous music]

Narrator: Kevin was nervous,

and the more he thought
about having to fight

and hurt other people to gain his freedom,

the more nervous he became.

Kevin wasn't used to being
allowed to attack other people

without getting in trouble.

He wondered if this was heaven.

Then he wondered what the man
beside him would look like

if he had soup cans for ears,
and his head was on fire.

[laughs]

[crowd cheering]

Good morning, ladies and gentlemen

and welcome to the
penultimate death match.

The rules here are simple, gentlemen.

I will pull two names out
of this drag queen's an*s.

When your name is called,
you'll be unshackled

and escorted to the ring.

[crowd cheering]

The winner will advance to the next round

until we are left with one man.

That man will be set free!

Are there any questions?

Narrator: Kevin asked
Hugh if he could go first,

and if you had to stop
hitting your opponent

even after he was dead.

We'll just sort of play that by ear.

Anyway, on with the death match!

[ominous music]
[crowd cheering]

Simon Fitzgibbons and Alex
Mulston, come on down!

[crowd cheering]

Simon's in for tax evasion, and Alex

is doing life for k*lling 26 drifters.

[crowd cheering]
[Alex growling]

On your mark, get set!

[groaning]

Congratulations, Alex.

[crowd cheering]

Let's keep it going for
our next contestants!

[pleasant music]

[monkeys screeching]

Kevin Spencer!

[ominous music]

[screaming]

Uh, congratulations, Kevin.

[crowd murmuring]

[inhales deeply]

Alex Mulston and Nelson Ogden!

[crowd cheering]

Nelson Ogden?

[ominous music]

Damn you and your
savage barbarism to hell!

[intense music]

Release the hippo.

[intense music]

[distant rumbling]

[ominous music]

[hippo growling]

[intense music]

[hippo roars]

[intense music]

[expl*si*n booms]

[crowd cheering]

That makes our final
semi-finalist Eric Gibbons,

but before we meet the
four lucky semi-finalists,

here's tonight's 50/50 draw for $308!

[drumroll rattles]

And the number is, one!

What do you know?

I won again.

[scattered applause]

Congratulations, Hubert.

Thanks.

Now bend over.

Our first semi-final
will feature Alex Mulston

and Eric Gibbons.

[crowd cheering]

Our father who art in heaven,

hallowed be thy name.

[man screams]

[crowd cheering]

[man screams]

[crowd cheering]

[growls]

[crowd cheering]

[growls]

And now vying for the honor

of penultimate death match
champion, Alex Mulston!

[growling]

And young Kevin Spencer,
a real fan favorite!

[crowd cheering]
[both growling]

Narrator: Kevin didn't much care

for getting hit in the
head, but he figured

he'd put up with it for a while longer,

because it was all part of his master plan

to win the death match,
and regain his freedom.

[crowd cheering]

[crowd gasping]

Is he dead?

[crowd cheering]

Okay then, take him away.

[monkeys chattering]

[ominous music]

[laughing]

[intense music]

[monkeys screeching]

[ominous music]

You'll probably go your whole life

and not see that again, folks.

The heart of a lion, keep it going

for your champion, Kevin Spencer!

[crowd cheering]

[helicopter whirring]

I'm a man of my word, Kevin.

You're free to go.

My pilot here will take
you wherever you want.

You fought well, you should be proud.

[dramatic music]

I forgot to tell you, the vet called.

The monkeys are going to be fine!

[helicopter whirring]

Hey boy, how's about
gettin' your old man a beer?

Hey, you got any smokes?

[upbeat music]

Kid always was an as*h*le.

Yeah, I'll say.

[rock music]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ His head don't work it never did ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ You better not cross his path ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ He's a chain smokin'
alcoholic sociopath ♪

♪ Sociopath ♪

[Kevin laughs]

[rock music]