03x04 - Bruno Gerussi Must Die

[bunniefuu]

Announcer: Tonight, tonight, tonight!

You'd better stay home,
because TV never looked better!

At eight p.m. it's our
Friday Night Freakfest!

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See a man who's lived to 101 years

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What's a Regis?

Announcer: The one girl Hooters

actually hired for her qualifications.

And finally, this young student's
gotten so much detention,

he'll be kept after class
when he's drawing a pension.

Kevin Spencer!

That's all coming up tonight
on Canadian DreamLand Cable,

bringing you the finest
in American television

because it's cheaper to buy their crap

than it is to make our own.

[static crackles]
[rock music]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ His head don't work it never did ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ You better not cross his path ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ He's a chain smokin'
alcoholic sociopath ♪

♪ Sociopath ♪

[laughs]

[plucky music]

Thanks for meeting me, Kevin.

It seems you've gotten our school

some unfortunately publicity, mister.

The school board even talked about you

at their last meeting,
and it was not pretty.

[pleasant music]

Let's bring this meeting to order.

First item of business, who's
got a Prozac or Halidon?

Ahem, classrooms are overcrowded

and the province is cutting funding.

What are you going to do?

I don't know what all
you freaks are gonna do,

but I'm gonna take a stand
against this evil b*stard!

Chairperson Bob Saunders!

What the hell are you
talking about, Morgan?

J'accuse, Saunders.

You've been waging a back
door campaign against me

to have me removed from the school board!

You're out of your mind, Morgan.

Would you sit down?

Let him talk!

If you're not out to get me,

then who's paying that
private investigator

to follow me, Saunders, huh?

Explain me that one, pal.

That detective will pay for himself

the day you buy the
negatives back from me,

now sit down Fifi, so we can get on

with molding our youth's future.

I'd like to forward a
proposal to have city workers

paid to pick up dog poopies.

It's a great inconvenience
to elderly folks like myself

to stoop to pick up those poopies,

but if we don't, we get a fine!

It's discrimination, and
worse those little poopies

just sit out there in the park

like little poopy land
mines, waiting, waiting.

Oh those poopies!

[gavel bangs]
[people laughing]

Stop saying poopy all
the time, you old bag.

The school board doesn't
care about your stupid dogs.

That's a city council
matter, go to City Hall.

They won't let me in
that building anymore,

and I don't own a dog!

We were wondering why the school

refuses to incorporate ultimate Frisbee

into its sports curriculum.

Ultimate is such a wonderful sport.

It builds team awareness
while respecting feelings.

And it has a Frisbee!

All in favor of supporting

this yuppie game for wussy pricks?

Aye.

All against?

All: Nay!

Motion denied.

You want a Frisbee park, yuppie?

Get some of those rich companies
you work for to pay for it.

Why isn't there a golden ager discount

at the laser tag park anymore?

[lady groans]

City Hall, lady.

I'm lookin' for the Mensa meeting.

Next door.

Percy: Who blocked my f*cking car

with their goddamned Beemer?

[pummeling, glass tinkling]

Stephen: Ow, ow, my head.

Not so f*ck' smart
now, are you Hawking?

Now then, what about this
whole Kevin Spencer thing?

This kid got on network television
and made us all look bad.

Any ideas?

Special class?

We cut them all.

Remedial school?

Cut.

Counseling?

All cut.

What's left?

So, they decided to force
you into the chess club.

[dramatic music]

Narrator: Chess club
was the lowest rung

on the school's hierarchic
ladder of social affliction.

During his whole formal education,

no matter what happened to him,

Kevin could always comfort himself

that things would be worse
if he were in the chess club.

Now he was, and he sure as hell

wasn't gonna take it lying down.

You don't really have a choice.

By doing a school activity,

you can work off your detention,

the chess club can use the room.

We're demolishing the
portables because of cutbacks.

So either way, you'll be in the same room.

I'm sure you'll fit right in.

[ominous music]

[upbeat music]

[laughing]

Holy frig, chess club?

You hit a new low, boy.

Why don't you cut out the middle man

and try out for cheerleaders?

Oh Jesus, only brainiac
nerds play chess, Kevin.

It's too complicated for you.

I don't want you to get disappointed.

Yeah, and I don't want you thinkin'

you're smarter than your old man neither.

Get it?

You know, I think
there was a chess board

left in the house when we moved in.

Narrator: Kevin's
folks sure were acting

friendly and supportive, and he told them

he didn't trust them
when they acted this way.

Come on boy, you're the
best tax credit we got.

Of course we want, ah Jesus Christ

now the TV sits at a screwy angle!

No worries.

Hey, I never noticed that
hole in the wall there before!

[ominous music]

Did you hear something?

Sounded too big for a f*ck' rat.

Better get in there, boy.

The house is in danger, and
you're the only one who fits.

If you find anything good, it
belongs to me and the old lady

on account of it's our house.

Least 'til they find out we're squatting.

[ominous music]

He said he found some food and stuff.

It looks like someone's been

living in there for a long time.

Living in the walls of the house?

What should we do?

I don't know, call an
exterminator, stop caring.

I guess what I'm trying to say is

do whatever the f*ck you like.

I'm going drinkin'.

[upbeat music]

Good news, chess club.

It's the day you've all been waiting for.

We're delving into the subtleties

of the Romanovsky Middlegame.

I've prepared several
examples on the board for you.

Oh, that reminds me.

We have a new member today.

Mr. Kevin Spencer, who I assume
was trying to spell pawns?

Don't be such a goof, Spencer.

Chess is cool again.

Haven't you seen those guys
who play for money in the park?

Narrator: Kevin said he'd seen people

do a lot of things for money in the park

and just because some nerd gets a tattoo

doesn't mean he's not a nerd.

You wouldn't say that
if this were Babylon 5.

What the Christ does that mean?

[gasping]
[dramatic music]

Class, we're honored
today with a special guest.

Our regional representative of
the Global Chess Federation.

Mr. Wicket, would you
care to say a few words?

Your head looks like
an inflated scrotum!

[inhales deeply]

Tel Aviv, 1964.

Me, a starstruck 17 year old

with a dream of being World Champion.

Oh they were all there.

Spassky, Petrosian, but
did I let that phase me?

You bet I did, and I was
mated in seven moves.

Now, I hand out paper for the Federation.

Chess is a cruel b*tch, kids.

It makes you bust your
hump only to find out

you suck compared to someone else.

It's really like life that way.

Narrator: Kevin said
chess was for assholes.

Don't knock it, punk.

It's still the only world competition

where the players are
encouraged to chain smoke.

Just look at former
grandmaster Magalese Petrovian,

now there was a champion.

Narrator: Kevin was
bored, and he figured

he could screw with everyone
until they liked him

for the charismatic rebel he really was.

The first thing you
have to know about chess

is the opening move is
always made by white.

Narrator: Kevin said he thought

this sounded like entrenched racism.

Then he started to giggle uncontrollably,

and trashed the table.

[giggling]

Ma'am, are we getting extra credit

for working with Spencer?

You know, 'cause he's special?

Little b*stard certainly
has the temperament

of a Russian chess master.

Yes, smokes like one too.

Let me know how that
troubled lunatic progresses.

Haven't seen anyone this
psychotic since Bobby Fischer.

You're paying for that table, Spencer.

In order to make this strategy work,

the master had to calculate
at least 30 moves in advance,

calculating four different
responses from his opponent.

To this day, we don't know
if he sacrificed his bishop

to distract his opponent, or
if it was simply a mistake.

It's known as the Petrovian game.

What a beautiful game.

I want a game so beautiful
that they name it after me.

Narrator: That's when Kevin decided

to really pay attention
to the chess games,

because the idea of envisioning a plan

of long term revenge was appealing.

He also hated everyone in the room,

and wanted to wipe those
smug, superior grins

off their as*h*le faces.

Kevin had decided to try and learn chess,

and he sure sucked.

Checkmate.
[giggles]

Checkmate.

[clucking]

Narrator: Then
something weird happened.

Kevin started to associate
the characteristics

of the chess pieces with people he knew.

Hey Kevin, I'm gonna
go buy some fake ID

off Jimmy at the pawn shop.

[pleasant music]

I'll keep you covered if you
can get down to the pawn shop

and put in a good word for me.

[pleasant music]

Hey you checkmated me.

Good game.

[pleasant music]

Narrator: Suddenly, without knowing it,

Kevin had won the game.

That's because I set the sucker up

so's when he went to the pawn
shop the pigs would jump him.

Narrator: Kevin realized
he had a real gift for chess,

because all the pieces
reminded him of people he knew.

Like the lazy a*s king who could only move

one space at a time,
and the powerful queen

who liked kicking a*s.

[upbeat music]

Hey the boy's home.

How was school today, Kevin?

[doorbell rings]

Ah never mind, we got visitors.

Hey you're Pete Wilcox from the joint.

Yeah, it's a prison work release thing.

So you got rats or something?

Yeah but there's something else.

c*ck, bedbugs, earwigs,

termites, daddy long legs?

Yeah we got all that
stuff, but we don't mind that.

We got another problem.

Some f*ck's been living in
the crawlspace of the house.

Looks like he's been in there for years.

There's been an increase in people

living in crawlspaces
ever since the Reagan era.

Lemme smoke it out and see what that does.

[eerie music]

[smoke hissing]

He's coming out!

[dramatic music]

Holy Christ, it's Bruno Gerussi.

Who?

He was on that old show in
the '70s, The Beachcombers.

Jesus Christ, I heard you died.

What are you doing in our crawlspace?

Never mind what I've been doing.

I want to talk to you about patriotism.

I've been watching how you people live,

and I've got to talk to Kevin.

Come on, boy.

What, you're just gonna
let some stranger take Kevin?

Not a stranger, he's a
washed up Canadian celebrity.

I never heard of him.

The Beachcombers.

Christ look, he even left

some of his black hair on the floor.

[pleasant music]

Kevin, you know that every
great Canadian TV series

has to occur somewhere in the woods.

I'm going to drop you off

with some forest ranger friends
of mine near Danger Bay.

They'll take you north
of 60 to Spirit Lake.

There you'll have remarkable
adventures in rainbow country.

Narrator: Kevin wasn't
particularly thrilled

about hanging out with anyone named Chub.

So he contacted the
Fish and Game Commission

and told them some strange Greek man

with a lot of gold chains
had taken him into the woods.

[pleasant music]

[static crackles]

Canadian actor Bruno
Gerussi, long believed dead,

has in fact been living

in a small suburban
crawlspace for several years.

It's rumored he lived in the rundown house

as part of a scheme to
defraud his life insurance.

After authorities apprehended
him in Danger Bay,

he had this to say to the media.

Maybe you got the really
big log this time, Relic,

but I'll f*ck you up so bad
next time you'll need Jesse

to unzip your pants so you can eat!

Mr. Gerussi then
escaped from authorities

before he could be institutionalized.

In other news, it's time for
our local athlete of the week.

This is Kevin Spencer of
Generic Public High School.

Kevin has a straight F grade point average

and is described by
classmates as gifted in quote,

"Working in the new meat."

Kevin was voted most likely
to die in a police raid,

and for the past months
has been making big news

as our community chess champion.

[static crackles]

[pleasant music]

And begin.

[people murmuring]

Jesus, when does something
happen in this stupid game?

[people murmuring]

Take 'em up against the board, boy.

Let's mix it up in there.

Percy, it's chess.

It's a thinkin' game.

If I'd known that, I
would've brought a pillow.

I'm gonna go see if the
cafeteria's changed.

Maybe they got a liquor
license since I dropped out.

[plucky music]

[ominous music]

I got me a mind to sashay
across this old chess board

and make some time with that

old, hot, black queen over there.

I'm afraid the queen

is too busy to talk to you, Mr. Goose.

You'll have to call for an appointment.

We'll see about that.

Hey, come back here!

[somber music]

I am the mighty king,
and I hasten to inform you

that you shall not court the attentions

of my beautiful Nubian queen!

Yeah, well maybe my crew

will have something to say about that.

[ominous music]

[giggles]

My baby won the little chess match!

He did more than that.

He won the regionals.

He's going onto the
national finals next month.

Good work, kid.

[audience applauds]
It was quite a day.

Kevin had won the regional finals,

Mom had found a new respect for her boy,

and Dad got banned from
the building for life

for copping a feel after he snuck into

the lamaze class in the next room.

[upbeat music]

Would the littlest hobo please report

to the veterinary wing for neutering?

Would misters Waxman, Nash, and Steinberg

also please report to the
veterinary wing for neutering.

Gosh Wheels, remember
when we were famous?

For the last time,
my name's not Wheels!

That was just my character
in the freakin' show!

I'm almost 30 years old
now, for Christ's sake!

I've wasted my life.

Hey, speak for yourself.

I was helicopter pilot
number 12 in Godzilla.

What have you been doing lately?

Psst, hey!

Wheels, Joey.

For the last time, my
name's not, holy sh*t!

It's Bruno Gerussi!

Wake up everyone else.

I'm breaking you all out of here, tonight!

Bruno's got a plan!

The zit remedy returns.

We'll spread the word, dude.

In the meantime,
I've got to find Jesse.

Bruno says we're breaking out tonight!

Pass it on!

[barking]

Breaking out?

But I was nearly finished tunneling out

through the tickle trunk.

I wish Aunt Bird lived to see this.

[wolf howls]
[suspenseful music]

Adonidas, I never
thought I'd be so happy

to see your ugly mug again.

Listen, let's put that whole business

about the log behind us.

Not now, Relic.

Hey, where's Jesse?
He's on his way.

[suspenseful music]

[neon crackling]
[horns blaring]

Hey, it's great to be here.

I'm gonna do a few more songs in a minute,

but first I'd like to share
some more of my memories.

People always ask me, Jesse,

did you and Nick meet a lot of girls

while filming The Beachcombers?

Well, I could tell some stories eh?

Important message, Mr. Jesse.

Nick's in trouble eh?

I gotta go.

[audience applauds]

Now, do we have everything?

I have the cryogenically frozen heads

of the cast of Front Page Challenge,

and the corpses of the cast

of Air Farce and Double Exposure.

Are they dead?

They will be when we're done with them.

I brought a chair.

I brought a bigger chair.

Man: A rocking chair
for those who like to rock.

Here's the plan, my friends.

Canada's big news on American
television these days.

We're going to the United
States to take over American TV.

[dramatic music]

Narrator: The national chess finals

were hosted in Kevin's home town,

and everyone was there except Kevin's dad,

who was still banned from the building

and appreciated the excuse to avoid

sitting through his son's
boring accomplishments.

[somber music]

The competition soon came
down to just Kevin and Timmy.

[somber music]

Kevin had thought out three combinations

involving 21 different moves

and over 70 responses.

This is impossible!

I concede.

Kevin had thought
out three combinations

involving 21 different moves

and over 70 responses.

Kevin, you win!

I said I concede.

Narrator: Kevin had
thought out three combinations

involving 21 different moves.

It was the hardest his brain
had ever worked in his life.

The intuitive mathematics
alone fragmented his thoughts

into arcing designs and pathways
he never thought existed.

He didn't want Timmy to surrender.

He wanted to wipe his smug
as*h*le smile off his face

by beating him the hard way.

[ominous music]

All right, whatever.

There, knight to king three.

Hey, hey!

It's checkmate!

I just checkmated you, dude!

Damn, I wouldn't have even done that

if you hadn't freaked out at me.

It is truly a brilliant move.

From here on, this shall be
known as the McNoughton game.

Wow.

My dream come true.

A chess game named after me.

My name will go down in eugh.

Narrator: And from that day on,

any time someone blew a
fuse during a chess match,

they were said to be
playing the Spencer game.

But that game was supposed to be famous

because of my move!

There is no god!

Apparently the tension of the match

is wearing away at some of the fans.

Just the kind of action you can expect

here on the Chess Channel.

All chess, all the time.

[static crackles]

[pleasant music]

Narrator: Tonight on Degrassi Creek.

God Trish, have you seen
those new Canadian students?

They're so, so sub average looking.

[static crackles]

Announcer: Get ready kids,
because he's had enough!

He's the unfriendly giant!

[static crackles]

Jesus, what's up with the TV?

You Can't Do That on American Television.

Fraggle Rock 90210?

What the f*ck is this sh*t?

Narrator: Beachcombers
PI, starring Bruno Selleck.

That's the son of a wh*re behind this.

Well I ain't stealing cable

to watch a bunch of Canadian arseholes.

I'm gonna do something about this.

[ominous music]

Hello there, sir.

Who are you here to see?

I don't know.

Oh what the f*ck?

[laughs]

See sir, any time you say
that phrase you get slimed,

just like that famous Canadian show

You Can't Do That On--

[dramatic music]
[gagging]

How do you like your teeth on the other

side of your mouth you little,

oh wait I do remember that show.

Man I wanted to stick it to that moose.

Security, I need help.

Look all's I wanna know is
why TV sucks so bad these days.

Even American shows are all Canadian.

I ain't paying 36 bucks a month

to watch a bunch of Canadian assholes.

According to us, you're not paying.

Don't avoid the
question, it's a conspiracy.

There's only one thing to do.

Bruno Gerussi must die again!

[ominous music]

[boat puttering]

Hold on guys, I'm coming eh?

[rock music]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ His head don't work it never did ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ You better not cross his path ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ He's a chain smokin'
alcoholic sociopath ♪

♪ Sociopath ♪

Percy: Holy Christ it's Bruno Gerussi.

[rock music]