03x06 - Operators Are Standing By

[bunniefuu]

[Upbeat music]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ His head don't work, it never did ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ You better not cross his path ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ He's a chain-smoking
alcoholic sociopath ♪

♪ Sociopath ♪

[melancholy music]

Hello, Marty, as the saying goes,

it's that time of month, eh, fatso.

Big Daddy sent us for this
month's interest payments.

Now, pay up.

I'll get the money soon, honest.

And look, business has been picking up

since we started the Babe
Golden Age Wet T-Shirt Contest.

She's had surgery.

Well, I've seen all
the t*ts I need to see.

Come on, son, let's go.

[playful music]

Daddy's gonna get workman's
comp when they ask now

so they don't cut off my check.

When I get the signal,
you run and screaming

about how you're starving

and how you want Daddy
to make it all better.

Hide your smokes when you come in.

Narrator: Percy was trying
to screw the government again,

and Kevin was supposed to be helping him,

but he became fascinated
with the squeegee kid

he could see working down the street.

The kid had more piercings than
Kevin had ever seen before,

and he wondered if it made him cool

and if people liked
him more because of it.

Thanks for coming, Mr. Spencer.

I have a few questions about
an irregularity in your claim.

You briefly worked for, let's see,

Jimmy's Probably Stolen Goods.

He needed me to move some dead stuff

out of the basement.

Yeah, and it was during
this time that you claimed

you were injured on the job.

Well, what was the nature
of this industrial accident?

He kicked me in the
back when I told him

I banged his sister again.

Now, my back's crippled,

and the government said you gotta pay me.

Mr. Spencer, the seriousness
of your injury is in doubt.

We had you followed by an investigator,

and he provided us with, well, this video

of your recent visit to the beer store.

God, Mister, that's like 10 two-fours.

You can make two trips, you know.

Why, so you can rip me off

while I'm in the parking lot?

f*ck that.

[grunts]

[floor polisher whirring]

Watch where you're going with
the f*cking floor polisher,

you stupid ola.
[screams]

God, son of a wh*re, f*ck.

[screams]

Your back seemed healthy
enough there, Mr. Spencer.

I was on pain medication,

so I didn't know what I was doing.

Your claim says nothing
about pain prescriptions.

I never said it was prescription.

I'm sorry, Mr. Spencer,

but we're cutting off your
workman's compensation.

Listen, you effing prick,

by the time I leave here,

one of us is gonna be
getting workman's comp.

Don't let it be you.

Don't make me call security.

Percy Voiceover: Better
give the kid the signal.

He'll turn on the waterworks
and snow this prick.

[door knocks]

[eerie music]

Narrator: Percy knew he
couldn't win this round,

so he told the auditor to
kiss his fat, white a*s,

and went outside fixing
to tear Kevin a new one.

[woman laughs]

As if.

Hey, dude, looking for work?

'Cause if you are, this
is the place to do it.

Get off the street, you little b*stard.

I love the freedom,
being your own boss.

Yep, this is the life for me.

Get a job, you little prick.

Maybe a desk job is for
other people, but not me.

Narrator: Kevin said he
thought jobs were for assholes

and asked the kid about his piercings,

especially the nose ring,

which Kevin thought was pretty sweet.

Actually, this is a hood ornament.

Had a bit of an accident
on the job last week.

But hey, the risks come with job.

You just have to be careful
around traffic, or else,

die!
[screams]

Kevin, I just met you a few minutes ago,

but still, you're my oldest friend.

I want you to have my squeegee.

Narrator: Kevin figured
he'd take the squeegee

and carry on the tradition of his friend.

Then Kevin decided to carry out

one of his old man's traditions

and took all of the kid's valuables.

Kevin liked the idea
of being a squeegee kid

because the punk seemed to
meet a lot of people every day,

and eventually, maybe some
of them would like him.

[car horns honking]

[upbeat whistling music]

Tell your friend
you'll talk to him later.

We got a score to settle.

Why'd you take off and leave me hanging?

Now I got no more workman's comp.

Narrator: Kevin told
the old man to stick it

since he still had plenty

of other gullible government agencies

he was defrauding.

Bullshit.

All I's got left is welfare,
UI, veteran's pension,

and the government arts grant.

They gonna wise up sometime.

Except maybe the art grant.

I gotta figure out my next financial move.

Narrator: As it turned out,

Percy's next financial move
involved wrapping a chain

around the bank machine kiosk at the mall

and tearing off in the stolen
car, dragging it behind him.

Then he went on a bender with the money

and decided to get some ladies.

Remember, officer, for
this sting operation to work,

you have got to be a totally
believable prost*tute.

As it is, it took us two hours

to make you look like a woman.

I am a woman.

I know.

You think that would've made it easier.

Ope, [clears throat]

here comes a possible perp.

Good luck, officer.

Would you like to molest
my person in exchange

for monetary favors?

I don't know what the
hell you're talking about.

But I'll give you 20 bucks
for a hand job in the car.

Geez, you sure got a lot
of wire around your tit.

Are you a robot?

He did what?

He put it where?

How long?

Geez, your father got busted again.

I gotta figure out how to get
some money into this house.

Narrator: Kevin told his mother

that he would bringing
some money into the house

now that he had a lucrative
new job as the squeegee kid.

Thank God, for a minute there,

I thought I might have
to get off the couch.

Get Mama a gin and vodka, will ya?

It's nearly three o'clock, and
if I don't get started now,

I won't be drunk enough
to have my afternoon nap.

Narrator: The next
day, Kevin got started

on the busiest corner in town.

Get off the street, you little b*stard.

[burps]
No thank ya.

Get lost, ya social leech.

Narrator: Eventually,
Kevin found a motorist

who was very interested in him.

You know vagrancy is
ill*gal in this province,

don't ya, kid?

Narrator: Kevin told the cop

that what he was doing wasn't vagrancy

because he was earning the money

through a solid work ethic
and stringent self-discipline.

Resisting arrest too, huh?

I'll teach you little
t*rrorists to spoil our city.

Get your hands on the car.

Oh, but first finish that spot.

I parked under a tree this morning,

and the birds really unloaded on it.

[squeegee squeaks]

He did what?

You stuck him where?

Well, that's just f*cking great.

[upbeat music]

What do you have, Annie?

Spot me a few shooters, will ya?

I'm a little short on cash

on account of my provider
ain't been around

to steal us a living.

I can't afford to front
you anymore drinks, Anastasia.

What?

Well, you better think
about what you just said

'cause I sure ain't been smoking
your pool for your looks.

But--
Hey,

nobody cuts off Anastasia Spencer.

I can't help it, baby.

I owe some serious money
to some serious people.

If I don't get it to
them, the bar is history,

and maybe me, too.

Well, if my tab's
cutoff, then so's yours.

You can play pirate
conqueror all by yourself.

Narrator: Mom needed money

and didn't feel like
becoming a prost*tute again

because she was a lazy, ugly old cow

who couldn't earn enough money for rent

if she was turning
tricks in a leper colony.

And that was too bad

because the only job

worse than being a
prost*tute is telemarketing.

We're a leading edge
telemarketing firm.

The people you'll be phoning
will be elderly pensioners

who we've convinced have
won a fabulous prize.

Easy enough?

I guess.

Good, here's your Sucker list.

The lettering's extra big
for you slow reading types.

Good luck.

[dialer beeping]

Hello, Mrs. Onecooler?

You've won a fabulous prize.

I said, you won a fabulous prize.

But in order to win,

you'll have to purchase a
subscription to Shirt Magazine,

the only magazine about shirts.

What's that?

How can you be a winner for
a contest you never entered?

Hey, I'm always doing
things I don't remember,

but then the pictures
turn up on the internet,

and I remember them again.

Hello, Mrs. Newman?

We're a respected marketing organization.

[burps]

Excuse me, the tuna salad's
been repeating all day.

It says here on our computer

that your husband died yesterday.

Have you had time to
think about how you might

wanna invest your life insurance claim?

Oh, sure, you'd like to take
a few minutes to grieve.

I can wait.

[slurps]

[phones ringing]
[workers chattering]

[upbeat music]

Mr. Spencer, you've been charged

with attempting to gain the
services of a prost*tute.

How do you plead?

That hooker was wearing a wire.

Besides, how can you put me in jail

if I didn't even get to first base?

We aren't putting you in
jail for what you were doing.

We're putting you in jail

for what you were thinking of doing.

It's a good thing you can't
tell what I'm thinking now,

or you'd put me in solitary.

If you want to avoid
solitary, Mr. Spencer,

you can enroll in our new John School

to help you learn why prostitution is bad

and what you can do to
be part of the solution

instead of part of the problem.

Do I stay out of the joint?

Yes, we simply assume the humiliation

of attending this program will
be a sufficient deterrent.

Narrator: Percy thought
this was pretty sweet,

mostly because public humiliation

wasn't much of a deterrent to a guy

who typically spends his
weekends naked and drunk

somewhere on city property.

Percy: Look at me, I'm
from the "Planet of the Ape."

Woo!
[Percy laughs]

[upbeat music]

Next case.

People versus Kevin Spencer.

What is this, family discount days?

[foreboding music]

Kevin, you've been charged

with being poor and unable
to support yourself.

How do you plead?

Narrator: Kevin said
he was sorry he'd done it

because he'd always known
jobs were for assholes,

and he wouldn't have done it

if he'd known he was going to get caught.

You have a gift with
words, Mr. Spencer.

Let's put it to good use.

Since you might have a chance at a future,

I'm recommending you for corporate labor.

[foreboding music]

One-up for the
warden's stock, assholes.

First, the results of
yesterday's urine test.

To those who passed, congratulations

on affording a clean sample.

To those who failed, you will be punished

by removal of all urine privileges.

Our next order of business,

we have some new inmates with us.

Welcome to corporate service.

Corporations hire prisons, us,

to use inmates, you, as cheap labor

to handle their phone traffic.

[playful music]

Hey, Kevin, it's pretty sweet.

But people who call don't know
they're talking to convicts

so they tell ya everything.

Check this out.

Yes, sir?

Two tickets to Rib on the 12th.

I'll book that immediately.

Thank you.

You have a nice voice on the phone, too.

I'll need your credit
card number to confirm.

Okay, sure, we'll hangout some time.

See?

Guy gave me his address,
credit card, and everything.

We'll see who's friend he is

when my parole comes up next week.

Narrator: Kevin was really impressed

with Petey's entrepreneurship

and decided to get to work right away.

Kevin liked prison because
he was always learning

neat new ways to make money.

Percy, on the other hand,

was learning a different
lesson altogether.

Welcome to John School.

Hello, students.

All: Hello, teacher.

Prick.

Now, we all know why you're here.

Over the next few weeks,

you're going to experience
an awareness-raising exercise

that will not only help you
stop exploiting prostit*tes,

but enrich your lives as well.

First, here's a video
to help you understand

the seriousness of your crimes.

[sad music]

Ever since the dawn of time,

prostitution has existed.

Every society in
civilization has struggled

to eradicate it and failed.

Wow, this video even
makes hookers boring.

Hey, didn't you used to be the weatherman

on TV or something?

Yes, prostitution seems to be a problem

that's impossible to stop.

But the solution starts with you.

Let's meet the real victims.

I was a prost*tute for 10 years.

I did drugs, I was abused by my pimp,

and it's all society's
f*cking fault, damn it.

She's pretty hot.

Teacher: Mr. Spencer, please
pay attention to the hooker.

I worked my way through university

as a high-paid escort.

Yeah, I think I
threw one into her once.

That chick can suck a
bowling ball through a tuba.

How do you deal with the pain?

What pain?

I made a sh*t load of money,

and I didn't get forced
into some as*h*le marriage

with a jerk-off cross-dressing weatherman.

[laughs]

Testify, sister.

So you're in denial about your pain?

Don't lecture me on denial, prick.

My degree was in psych.

f*ck denial, and f*ck you.

And where the f*ck

do you get off telling me what I can do

with my body anyways?

As you can see, another young girl

torn with inner conflict
at her abused past.

This arse hole offered me 50 bucks

before he turned the cameras on.

Uh, thus we see the immoral decay

that is overwhelming our society.

Thank you, goodbye.

Hm, I like the old video better.

Can I go home now?

No, no, no, we have several more hours

of trust exercises.

Percy: f*ck.

[upbeat music]

Hey, uh, Mr. Pratt,

I screwed another stupid
geriatric out of a few grand

on a timeshare scam in the Bikini Islands.

Uh, yes, those atomic
tests really made that acreage

a rock-bottom value.

Anastasia, you're amazing.

For all your good work,

I'd like you to be the presenter girl

who hands our lucky winner
this enormous novelty check.

What, you mean
somebody actually does win

a fabulous prize?

Eventually, we have to
give someone something.

It's the law.

So who's the lucky winner?

I don't care, it's supposed to random,

so just pick anyone
out of out sucker list.

Okey dokey.

[upbeat music]

TV Narrator: You're a
modern man with modern needs.

You won't settle for second best

in life, in art, in love.

So why settle for second
best in macaroni and cheese?

[phone rings]

Hello.

Hey, it's Annie.

Don't ask questions, just listen.

You're about to be the prize
winner of a huge cash award.

I'd give it to Percy, but he'd
just screw me out of at all.

How do you know I won't do it?

'Cause if you try,

I'll tell everybody why you's not allowed

to be in a movie theater
in Chicago no more.

[foreboding music]

Narrator: Kevin only
had two days left to serve,

and he'd gotten a lot of work done.

Most of it was making
a map of all the people

he knew would be out of town on vacation

when he got out.

He figured he'd drop by their houses

once he was on the outside.

[Kevin laughing]
[computer beeping]

Marty: Is this the number
for Airline Reservations?

Narrator: Kevin told the man it was.

Hey, you know, if I didn't know better,

I'd say you were Kevin Spencer.

You sound just like my buddy's

stupid ret*rd kid, no offense.

I know you couldn't be him

on account of he's too
stupid and screwed up

to have a real job.

But enough about that loser.

I wanna book a couple of first-class

roundtrip tickets to Ireland.

My girlfriend, Annie, just
threw me some big money.

She's the mother of that
stupid kid, Spencer,

I mentioned before.
[laughs]

Narrator: Kevin told
Marty he booked the flight,

then he decided that the
first place he'd visit

when he got out of the joint

would be the Camel Toe Inn,

just to teach him that you
shouldn't cheese off a ret*rd.

[dramatic music]
[laughs]

Good afternoon, complete stranger

who I've never had sex with before.

It's my honor to present
you with this check

for $100,000 for entering our sweepstakes.

Thank you, beautiful woman,

who I've never screwed from behind

until she spoke in tongues.

Can the big winner have a kiss?

Why, it would be an honor.

[playful music]

Holy sh*t, all the
sensitivity training's

really getting to me.

Maybe it is wrong to get a prost*tute.

Maybe all them women been
exploited by men too much.

That's it, no more hookers.

From now on, it's only phone sex for me.

And if I watch the porno
channels at the same time,

it'll be like having a hooker.

[playful music]

Annie: We're rich.

Marty: We sure are, baby.

But for now, I got a
little deposit of my own

I'd like to make.

Annie: Oh, wait.

Do you think we should put
the check somewhere safe?

Marty: Nah.

[suspenseful music]

[phone rings]

Hi there, you big strapping stud.

What's your name?

Percy, and I need a woman, baby.

Petey: Mm, Percy.

Oh, yeah, baby.

[dramatic music]

Oh, this is gonna be
some kinda tasty f*cking.

Sweet, baby, sweet.

Now I wanna stick my.

Man: Lucky Stiff Sweepstakes.

Percy: Son of a b*tch.

I'm not sure I have room in my pants

for a check this big.

Annie: Maybe I could lift
some of that pressure off

for ya, eh, baby?

Percy: That f*cking Marty's rich

and he's screwing with my woman.

That's gonna cost him.

[screen crashes]

[TV buzzing]

[bus engine humming]

[playful music]

We'd like to cash this check, please.

I'm sorry, sir, we can't honor this.

This is a forged novelty check.

Forged?

But that's impossible.

I brunged it to him myself.

I'm sorry I can't help you.

And now that I know you're both criminals,

please leave the room, or
I'll flood it with nerve gas.

[playful music]

I don't get it.

What happened to the check?

[bus engine humming]

Saw you on TV, and
figured you'd be here

with your big stupid check.

Guess you think you got more money,

you can make off with my woman.

Well, there's been a change of plans.

Hey, Percy, ain't nothing like that.

Here, she's all yours.

f*ck the wh*re, just give me the check.

Oh, uh, sure.

Here you go.

And don't, uh, spend it
all in one place, huh?

No hard feelings?

Course not.

You're my frigging bartender.

For 100 grand, I'd go down on myself.

Gee, Percy, that's the nicest thing

you've ever said to me, buddy.

Now, I should tell ya, they
won't cash your check here.

It's too big.

You'll have to go to a
real bank, or something.

Don't worry, I got my
own way of doing things.

Something must've been
wrong with the check.

I'll see if I can get
another one tomorrow.

Let's stop at the
bar for a drink, baby.

[alarms blaring]

Narrator: Without anyone knowing it,

Kevin had pulled a switch,

making him the architect
of what was literally

the biggest check forgery scam in history.

[Marty screaming]

He cashed the bartender's airline ticket

and flew off to find out if all the rumors

about Amsterdam were true.

[foreboding music]

[engine humming]

Still looking for some action, big boy?

f*cking right.

Will you take a check?

[lighthearted music]

[beeping]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ His head don't work, it never did ♪

[upbeat rock music]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ You better not cross his path ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ He's a chain-smoking
alcoholic sociopath ♪

♪ Sociopath ♪

Percy: f*ck