03x09 - Drunken Welfare Man vs. Evil

[bunniefuu]

[rock music]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ His head don't work it never did ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ You better not cross his path ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ He's a chain smokin'
alcoholic sociopath ♪

♪ Sociopath ♪

[laughs]

Narrator: Faster than
a speeding police car,

louder than a locomotive,

able to leap tall prostit*tes
in a single bound.

It's Drunken Welfare Man!

♪ Who's that coming to save the day ♪

♪ Nicotine stains and drunken sway ♪

♪ Got so blitzed he can hardly stand ♪

♪ He's the Drunken Welfare Man ♪

Narrator: In color!

Tonight's episode, Drunken Welfare Man

Takes His Wife to a Sex Club.

It was an average day in
the average welfare dwelling

of the Spencer family when suddenly,

nothing much happened.

Where the Christ do
you think you're going?

Geez, it's Halloween.

Soon as the boy puts on his costume,

we're trick-or-treating.

Kevin, hurry up with your changing

before mama's veins gets muy varicose.

Halloween, f*ck last I remember

I was passing forged prescriptions

with Charlie on Labor Day.

I must've been really messed up.

Hey I wonder how the playoffs turned out.

I hope you didn't
have any plans tonight.

It's Halloween, maybe I
wanna go trash some pumpkins

like we did in the old days.

Ah everybody does that.

Yeah but I was the only one
who done it with a '68 Buick.

[engine revving]
[intense music]

[laughs]

Where's your costume you stupid
broken headed embarrassment?

Narrator: Kevin said
he wanted to dress up

in something really frightening this year,

but being as he was a violent sociopath,

he couldn't think of anything scarier

than just being himself.

[eerie music]

Jesus, you are a scary little freak.

He's just gettin' in
the Halloween spirit.

Come on baby, see ya later Percy.

Oh sure, stick me here to give candy

to every moochy little b*stard in town.

Candies?

I knew I forgot to buy something.

Let's go, boy.

[plucky music]

At least bring me some smokes!

[pleasant music]

Go say trick-or-treat, boy.

Narrator: Kevin liked Halloween.

It was the only day of the year

when people had to give
you stuff for free,

and you didn't even have to threaten them.

[knocking]

Well, hello there.

[romantic music]

You know I tend to meet

a lot of single mothers on Halloween.

[romantic music]

You heard what the
boy said, trick-or-treat.

Mm, trick.

I'll be back in a minute, boy.

Mama's gotta get some candy.

So, you wanna see what tricks I know, huh?

[pleasant music]

Okay let's go boy.

[knocking]

Hello there, eh?

[smooching]

Narrator: Despite the free candy,

Kevin was starting to feel the occasion

left a lot to be desired.

That's when he saw his imaginary friend,

Allen the magic goose.

Kevin begged Allen to
help him stop being bored,

and patted him down to
see if he was holding.

Mommy!

What are you doing to my
son you delinquent b*stard?

[chuckles]

You moron, you know I
wouldn't wear pants like that!

They're fruity.

Narrator: Kevin told Allen

that he was starting to hate Halloween.

Boy, you got a lot to learn

about this wondrous day
of mischief and evil.

This is a night when ghosts
of the dead walk amongst us.

The night you learn every
single use for dog sh*t.

What do you say, broken head?

Wanna talk to someone dead?

[alligator growling]

[ominous music]

Come on boy, this is a long street.

We got a lotta houses to go yet.

[moaning]

Hear that?

They put on scary sounds on their stereo

so it's like a real haunted house.

Pf, lame.

[moaning]

Oh my f*ck' head!

This hangover's killin' me.

Who the hell are you little freaks?

All: Trick-or-treat!

Oh yeah, Halloween right.

What the hell are you supposed to be?

I am Captain Strutter,

and this is my super sidekick, the Crab.

That makes two of us who've had crabs.

We fight for justice!

Just look like a couple
of stupid little sissies

in girly pants.

What the cripes are you supposed to be?

These are my real
clothes, I'm just poor.

[laughs]

Now that's funny.

You know I used to be a real
superhero crime fighter.

Oh my god, these
animal rights activists

are gonna leave us here
to suffocate to death!

See how you like
suffering a torturous death,

you genocidal fascist b*stards!

Actually I'm more of
a cranky old b*stard.

[intense music]

Running out of air!

Talking like William Shatner!

You saved us, but how did
you know how to find us?

Didn't, I just broke in

trying to steal some animal tranquilizers.

How can we ever repay you?

Are you f*ck' deaf, I told ya.

Give me some animal tranquilizers.

[laughs]

Bunnies are cute.

[dramatic music]

[laughs]

Why did you stop fighting crime?

Toilet got backed up.

Ma used the costume to mop up
all the crap up off the floor.

If I were ever a superhero,
I wouldn't give up my costume

for something stupid like that.

Yeah, well you try and fight crime

when a tidal wave of sh*t's
spilling outta your living room.

Now tell me what you want, or f*ck off.

All: Trick-or-treat!

Yeah yeah, wife stuck
me here with no candy.

So here's an empty for you,

and an empty for you,
but on account of you

being poor and sh*t, here's
one that's till half full.

Knock yourself out.

[upbeat music]

Mommy's tired, boy.

It's hard work turning tricks,

or I mean trick-or-treatin'.

Wait here a few minutes

while I gets a bit of Halloween cheer.

[suspenseful music]

[hip hop music]

Come on boy, I'm gonna give you

some book learnin' on Halloween.

And that's when the ghosts all decided

they'd never scare anyone again.

Now wasn't that the spookiest

uplifting moral message you've ever heard?

Who would like to tell a
scary story of their own?

Narrator: Kevin told the scary story

of the time in the insane asylum

about the guy who tore his
own eyes out in his sleep

while coming down off crystal meth.

Spencer, you're ruining
our Halloween story time.

What the hell do you want?

Narrator: Kevin said
he was looking for books

on the occult, preferably anything

with Sumerian or
pre-Babylonian funeral rituals.

Oh great, another
teenager wanting to use

voodoo witchcraft to try
and clear up his pimples.

Follow me.

Who do you want?

There's Lovecraft,
Crowley, the Necronomicon.

Oh here's a good one.

It's a grimoire from the 12th Century

that tells you how to use bird urine

to make your enemies' ba*ls fall off.

Or maybe you're trying
to score with some chick,

or want to cast a spell on her.

Narrator: Kevin explained
that he was looking

for something that would
help him resurrect the dead.

You sick perverted
little degenerate b*stard!

Those are in aisle three.

The ancient grimoire say
that the spirits of the undead

may be summoned by arranging
the bones of damned souls

to form an altar with
an inverted pentagram.

Narrator: Kevin liked that idea,

because then he could once again

stare into the haunting dead eyes

of his reptilian soulmate Pinky.

Then he figured they'd
better get back to the tavern

before his mother got too drunk

to take him trick-or-treating anymore.

Hey, you didn't sign out
that book, bring it back

or you'll never be allowed
in this library again!

Never allowed back in the library?

This could seriously
affect our social calendar.

[laughing]
[funky music]

Okay boy, let's get back to bidness.

[doorbell rings]

Trish-or-treat.

Man: It's three in the
morning for Christ's sake.

Really?

Geez, where does the time go?

Come on boy, it's time to go home.

Narrator: Coming up
next on our Halloween

spookarific late night horror
classic monster marathoon,

Herbie the Love Bug.

The terrifying tale of an automobile

with a mind of its own.

Where the hell ya
been you drunken shitbag?

Out banging every guy
in town, if you must know.

Never mind about that.

Where's the smokes I asked ya to bring me?

I had to pinch out all the butts

in the ashtray to make rollies.

Then I had to pinch out the rolly butts

to make rollies out of the rollies.

Then I smoked all the pepper.

If you didn't get here soon,
I would've been desperate.

I smoked 'em all.

You smoked 'em all?

Well that's just f*ck'
beautiful you dumb, fat wh*re.

Narrator: Anastasia was really offended

by Percy's insensitive behavior,

so she decided to give
him the silent treatment

and kick him a few sweet ones

in the nads until he kept silent.

Kevin's mind was on other things.

[wolf howls]

Kevin lay awake all night
wondering about the occult.

After all, even in his short life

he'd witnessed some strange
supernatural events.

What the hell's that thing?

It's my aunt's old Ouija board.

It lets ya talk to the
spirits of the dead.

Jesus, let me try that.

Danny McIntyre, Danny
Mac if you're out there,

where'd you hide the till
from the liquor store heist?

Hey it's working.

F-U-C-K

O-F-F.

What's that spell?

[both sounding it out]

Both: f*ck off.

Stupid piece of sh*t don't work.

Narrator: Kevin
decided to use the occult

to help augment his dangerous persona.

Besides, pagans tended to get naked more,

so maybe he'd find some religion

and see some tail in the process.

Either way, he decided
first thing in the morning

he'd start getting ready
to exhume the corpse

of his dead alligator Pinky.

[pleasant music]

Dunno Charlie.

Starting to think the wife's
giving me the cold shoulder.

What's the problem, old buddy?

She ain't been puttin' out for me

ever since I called her a fat dumb wh*re.

Maybe she's going through the change.

Hm, that don't sound like her at all.

Usually she likes the
dirty talkin' you know?

How would you know?

Uh women in general like that.

Sounds like maybe you need

to spice up your relationship a little.

Ever thought of joining a sex club?

You know, swingers and wife
swapping and all that stuff?

What's that?

It's mostly married
people getting together

and everyone just sort of
gets to screw anyone they want

while listening to a lot
of Ricky Martin music.

It's every Friday night
at the community center.

I heard that friggin' racket.

Thought all that noise was
a hockey game or something,

but I don't know if the
wife's into sex clubs.

You leave her to me, old buddy.

You're a pal, Charlie.

A swingers group?

I don't know.

It sounds awfully '70s.

Think of it, baby.

If you and Percy join the sex club,

that means you and me
can do it anytime we want

and Percy can't say nothing about it, see?

Oh yeah, you're right baby.

There's a big
masquerade ball on Friday,

and I do mean ball.

Have a costume ready
and I'll see you there.

Narrator: Anastasia couldn't wait

for Friday to roll around.

She even exercised to
try and look her best.

One!

Phew, a new personal best.

What's a person supposed
to wear at a sex club?

You don't have to wear nothin',

you can just walk around naked.

But remember, it's also a masquerade ball.

I don't got no f*ck' costume.

You do now, Percy.

Look what I took to the laundry for ya.

Hey you washed all the sh*t

outta my superhero suit for me.

Narrator: Percy was starting to think

this sex club idea was pretty good,

on account of Anastasia hadn't laundered

his clothes since 1987 and
was acting real nice to him.

We're going to the sex club
to spice up our relationship,

and watch other people doin' it too.

Narrator: Kevin
explained that he had to

exhume some graves for a school project,

and that the work would
probably keep him out all night.

You'll probably dig
up ol' Frankie Whelan

from cell block B.

That'll teach him to keep his mouth shut.

Narrator: Kevin wished
mom and dad good luck

with their amoral bullshit,
and headed for the graveyard.

[pleasant music]

[wolf howls]
[thunder booms]

Ah, the death row cemetery.

Forgotten dumping ground of
our most inexplicably evil.

So, in order to bring
back your beloved Pinky,

you must first draw the
pentagram in the ground.

Good, when you're finished with the grave

refer to your book on
Satanism for instructions

on how to build the altar.

[upbeat music]

Welcome to the Playpen.

We're an enlightened
community of swingers.

Do you have any questions?

When does everyone start screwing?

Partners who care to share themselves

may do so in the main area.

[upbeat music]

Holy sh*t, everyone's
naked except for their mask.

It's like Halloween for perverts.

♪ Way oh way ♪

It's go time.

Ow, hey watch out with
that cigarette you jerk off!

f*ck you.
Ow, careful.

Kiss my a*s.
Ow my foreskin.

Percy: Stop whining, p*ssy.

Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to passion night,

brought to you by Madge's
Sex Toys and Erotic Pastries

where the quality goes
in, and then it comes out,

and then it goes back in again, and so on.

[crowd cheering]

We have some announcements.

First, we've canceled our
nude limbo competition

due to complaints about the smell.

Boo!

And now, we have a new couple

joining us here at the Playpen.

[crowd cheering]

I'm Anastasia Spencer.

I've done it all.

Lesbiality, beastianism,
water sports, S&D, B&K, K&Y,

frog and Naugahyde, elbow
fetishes and various combinations.

But never anything crazy like this!

I'm Percy Spencer,
and I'm looking forward

to bangin' as many of you as I can,

'cept maybe some of you tubbies.

Now get outta my way,
I'm going to the bar.

[crowd clapping]

I am the master of pain and pleasure,

and I am known as the Dungeonkeeper.

No you're not, you're Carl
Schwartz from the carwash.

Recognize the tattoo.

Percy Spencer, how's it hangin' bud?

Ain't it obvious?

Wow, they even got celebrities here.

Excuse me, aren't you
Porn Man and Afro Man?

Why yes, we're here scouting
talent for our new movie.

It's about a woman who can't get enough.

Maybe you'd like to
see our casting couch.

It's outside in the van.

I rolled a doobie in the bathroom.

Shouldn't roll joints in the bathroom.

You'll know why when you
smell the burning hair.

Percy, I'm makin' some big
show biz connections here.

Go get me a drink.

[pleasant music]

So, you're the one they
call Drunken Welfare Man.

Hey I'm tryna get to the bar.

If you want to get to that bar,

you'll have to satisfy me,

and I can assure you I haven't

had a man in here yet who could.

Time to swing into action.

[dramatic music]

[moaning]
[grunting]

Yes, oh!

[dramatic music]

My god, Drunken Welfare Man.

No one's ever satisfied me like that.

How do you do it?

From behind, usually.

Don't get tired as easy that way.

You want anything at the bar?

Narrator: It had been
raining a real long time,

and Kevin was getting pretty tired

of doing all the sh*t work.

So he decided to go home
and use some of the dynamite

the old man had left over

from an insurance scam he'd pulled.

Hey Percy, I've heard
talk that new high rise

they were building didn't
fall down by accident.

I'm not allowed to talk about it.

Union said they'd k*ll me.

Rumor has it you blew
a guard dog into a tree.

Well it didn't freakin' walk up there.

[laughs]

Narrator: Kevin dynamited
all the corpses he needed

so he could get started constructing

the unholy altar of human bones.

Hi dude, I'm Todd.

Me and my coven were just over there

drinking some ram's blood

and trying to sharpen
knives with our mind.

What's up with the expl*si*n?

Narrator: Kevin said he was busy,

and told Todd to get lost.

Well, you're not gonna
need all those corpses are ya?

See, we're just wondering
if we could have a couple.

You rock, dude!

Thanks.

Hey guys!

We got the corpses, we can
finally finish the video!

[pleasant music]

Gimme three pitchers of beer.

We don't serve draft beer here.

We try to maintain a degree of class.

Percy: Class, you ain't
even wearing any f*ck' pants.

Perhaps a glass of our
finest sparkling import.

It's an exquisite year, made
by monks on the Boulogne.

Right I could've
downed a bottle waitin'

for you to finish sayin'
that f*ck' name.

Gimme four glasses, and if
I find a f*ck' hair in it

I'll drop you like a bad habit.

Narrator: Kevin had
just finished constructing

the altar of the dead out of human bones.

That's when he'd realized
he'd made a big mistake.

He'd picked up the wrong
book when he left the house.

So instead of making an
altar to raise the dead,

he'd actually constructed a bunk bed

from an old furniture catalog.

As if that wasn't
enough, all the shoveling

had opened up the scab
he'd cut into his hand.

What have you done, moron?

Time for this goose to
chicken sh*t outta here!

Narrator: To Kevin's surprise,

the ghost of his former
pet Pinky appeared.

But he sure was different.

Hello, Kevin.

I am Pinky.

I have become an angel of the underworld.

[eerie music]

First we must gather together
all the immoral and wicked

and turn them into the
legion of the damned.

Then maybe we'll break for some

go kart racing, how's that sound kid?

Narrator: Kevin said
Pinky was the coolest friend

he'd ever had, and told
him all the immoral

and wicked people were with his parents

at a big swingers party downtown.

[growling]

[dog whining]

♪ And tonight is the time I'm coming ♪

[ominous music]

I am the lord of darkness,

and I'm here to lay claim to my dominion.

That's what I call a costume.

Look at the pecker on that b*stard.

sh*t, he coulda played
goalie for the Oilers.

Wait a minute, it's
that f*ck' alligator.

And we had a score to settle.

Narrator: Kevin was really excited,

because finally he'd have
revenge on his parents,

as well as the rest of the human race

for everything they'd made him
suffer throughout his life.

How would you like to be my queen,

and rule the world in imperious evil?

Hey ya b*stard, nobody
messes with my wife

while Drunken Welfare Man
has anything to say about it,

which is me you ugly freak.

So you are humanity's champion?

Choose how you would challenge me,

and prepare to meet your demise.

Chug-a-lug.

Narrator: Percy and
Pinky put away enough liquor

to make a grizzly bear's liver cirrhotic,

but in the end the reptile
had the upper hand again.

[belches]

[people screaming]

Your champion is vanquished,

and now I shall claim my bride.

Back off, reptile.

Maybe I can't beat
your a*s in a chug-a-lug,

but that don't mean I can't

shove this wine bottle
where the sun don't shine.

Narrator: What Percy
didn't know at the time

was that the wine made by the monks

was also blessed by the monks,

and there'd been a whole lot of holy water

used in the process.

So Pinky's rectum burned

with an expl*sive fizz
of effervescent piety.

[growling]

[screaming]

Geez, Percy.

Looks like you gave him a holy enema!

That's what I should've given you

for bringing me to this
sh*thole in the first place.

[grunting]

Narrator: That was about
the time Kevin briefly woke up

and realized that the whole event

had merely been a hallucination

brought on by some stolen pharmaceuticals.

Narrator: And now a message
from Drunken Welfare Man.

Yeah that's right, it was all a dream,

the whole f*ck' episode.

Got a problem with that?

I know you've been lookin' at my wife,

you b*stards, so f*ck off.

[dramatic music]

[rock music]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ His head don't work it never did ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ You better not cross his path ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ He's a chain smokin'
alcoholic sociopath ♪

♪ Sociopath ♪

Narrator: In color!

[rock music]