03x10 - Jacked In

[bunniefuu]

[energetic rock music]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

[energetic rock music]

♪ His head don't work, it never did ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ You better not cross his path ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ He's a chain smoking
alcoholic sociopath ♪

♪ Sociopath ♪

[guitar strumming]

[laughs]

[lighthearted music]

♪ And he's climbing the
stairway to my house ♪

Hey, hey.

Hey, mister, will you go
in the liquor store for me?

Hey, lady, by a kid a six pack?

Come on, you bought me smokes yesterday.

Hey, Percy, you gotta
come to the pizzeria.

You'll freak!

Did the owner go narcoleptic
in the grease pit again?

Nah, nothing funny.

Come on, you'll see.

[playful music]

Wow, cool.

[machine beeping]

[playful music]

This is like magic.

It's like a computer and a
game all at the same time.

[game beeping]

Game over?

Hey, give me back my quarter,
you f*cking piece of sh*t.

What a ripoff.

[dramatic piano music]

[breathing heavily]

[rock music]

[game beeping]

Hey, hey, mister, loan me a quarter

so's I can play the video game?

Lady.

[upbeat rock music]

[game beeping]

[grunts]

[breathing heavily]

[upbeat rock music]

Mr. Spencer, you're wanted
for unpaid child support.

Ah, frig, will you
take the arcade token?

[electric humming]

[upbeat rock music]

Game Announcer: Game over.

[buzzing and banging]

[grunts]

[breathes heavily]

Nobody rips off Percy Spencer.

[playful music]

[foreboding music]

Jesus, what's up with the boy?

The other kids at school,
they been beating on him again.

He's having a little rest.

Really?

Hey, look what I learned to do.

If you wait until his eyes are moving,

that's how you know he's dreaming.

Then you grab his feet,

and it scares the sh*t out of him.

At least it did the last two times.

[suspenseful music]

[sad music]

Hey, boy, hey, boy, you're dying.

The monster's got ya.

[laughs]

Yeah, boy, it's got you by the legs.

It's gonna k*ll ya.

Rawr.

[suspenseful music]

Ah, Percy, you stop that, that's cruel.

[laughs]

Yeah, I suppose he's
all pissed off at me now.

Guess that means he won't
be needing this couch.

[laughs]

[suspenseful music]

[chaotic music]

[lighthearted music]

Narrator: Kevin had
been having a hard day.

What, with his dad being an
arse hole and the bullies.

So he figured he'd escape
the mindless violence

with some mindless violence.

[lighthearted music]

Game Announcer: Game over.

Narrator: He was ashamed to admit it,

but sometimes, he even played
some non-violent video games.

[game beeping]

But his favorite was still Runaway Ninja,

the compelling story of a
misunderstood teenage ninja

and how he deals with his issues.

You must be the best
player in the whole mall.

Narrator: For the
first time in his life,

he was first at something.

Kevin had a sense of accomplishment,

and every time he walked by the arcade,

he'd go in to see his initials, KES,

in the first place position.

[game beeps]

[foreboding music]

[Percy snoring]

[Percy babbling]

You're supposed to
put it in the other way.

You are one hot man, Percy Spencer.

You are so hot.

How does that guy get all the chicks?

Must be on account of him being so hot.

Gee, looks like I'm pretty hot.

[Percy laughs]

Hey, what the f*ck's going on?

How come I'm old all a sudden?

Now you are not hot.

You are ancient and tragic to gaze upon.

Better find Ma and the
boy and get some smokes.

Freaking old knees.

[wolf howling]

[Percy breathes heavily]

Is young Squire Spencer
expecting you, sir?

I'm his father.

He's gotta look after me and give me money

'cause I'm old.

Open the door, boy.

Daddy's home to party.

[foreboding music]

Get your f*cking hands off me, prick.

[Percy screams]

[foreboding music]

sh*t, I better be nice to the boy.

Else I'll die in some soup kitchen.

[upbeat music]

Narrator: Kevin had started to notice

that every time he got first
place in the high score,

someone named SAF always edged him out,

which meant he had to
piss away a few hours

getting back on top again.

What a weed here.

Sit this sucker straight, boy.

You are the true champion of all existence

and shutter the pestilent worm

who dares dock in your
frame with ridicule.

[dramatic music]

Girl: Can I play, too?

[game beeping]
[traditional music]

Game Announcer: Game over.

Good game.

Keep practicing, you'll be as good as me.

Narrator: Kevin said he
was on the high scores, too.

You're KES?

I'm SAF, Shawna.

You must be pretty good.

I see you on the high scores a lot.

[beeping]

Narrator: Kevin didn't know what to say

because he was nervous and pathetic,

so he challenged her to
the best two out of three.

Sure, whatever.

[game beeping]

What people don't understand

is that this is more
than just a video game.

There's an actual story behind it.

Nobody knows this kid is
secretly a ninja, right?

But then, they push him too far,

and now, he's out for justice.

Narrator: Kevin
liked Shawna's worldview

and began to dream about
what it would be like

if they were married.

[peaceful music]

You're so wonderful.

I'm glad I married you, Kevin Spencer.

[peaceful music]

[traditional music]

You won?

But that's complete bullshit luck.

You piece of sh*t.

There's no way, no way.

This is my game, loser.

You're playing on my field.

You just don't try to humiliate me.

Narrator: Normally,
Kevin wouldn't let someone

talk to him like that.

It made him feel awkward,

but he was too afraid of
girls to tell her to f*ck off,

so he just asked her if
maybe she should go home

and see hr parents.

Hey, I can do whatever I like

and play to whenever I like, get it?

I got no parents, you d*ck.

My mom stabbed my old man years ago.

He lived, but he moved out.

Now, she just sits at home feeling guilty

and never says anything.

Kevin said he wished
he didn't have a father

since the one he was stuck

with was a thieving, drunken old washout.

You don't mean that, do ya, boy?

Narrator: Kevin said
he meant it as much now

as when he'd said it at breakfast.

Now, boy, I know you don't mean that,

so's I brought you a present.

A flattened a bunch of beer caps

so's you can use 'em at slugs

and play more computer games.

Narrator: Kevin was
surprised the old man

was being so nice.

Then he took the slugs and forgot about it

and never thought of it again.

[playful music]
[game beeping]

Holy f*ck, how long
these things take to play?

Arcades sure have changed since my day.

Where's all the drug dealers and stuff?

[playful music]
[game beeping]

And welcome back to Game Guru View.

Today, we're gonna review a hot new

shot 'em up video game that's
taking arcades by storm.

Also, the latest import from Japan.

Will they pass the seizure tests?

And what else can you do
with that vibrating joystick?

But first, the new game.

It's called Gen X Ocide.

Sir, would you like to play this game

and give us your opinion?

Sure, give me a quarter.

Mm, okay, but it's two bucks a game.

f*ck that.

Well, here's $2.

Give me five and I'll say I like it.

Game started, sir.

In you go.

Holy f*ck.

Oh my god, take that.

Yeah, dude , just die, die, everyone.

Holy frig, I'm a k*lling machine.

It feels like graphics
make the blood look real.

So you enjoyed the game?

Thanks to modern technology,

I now know what it feels
like to sh**t 34 people

with a fully automatic machine g*n.



Yeah, I never thought
I'd break Grandpa's record.

He had to sh**t his way out
of a Venezuelan police station

on account of--
So the new

video game, Gen X Ocide

is receiving raved reviews from players.

This should make developers

at Snakepit Multimedia very happy.

I'm very happy, gentlemen.

I thought we'd have kind of a laid back

corporate jail session here
to see where we're all at.

Who's got the sales figures?

Three of our video games
are top 10 best sellers,

including our Spork series,

Spork, Spork 2, Spork The
Revenge, Forever Spork,

The Monstrous Secret
of Castle Sporkenstein,

and Classic Spork.

We'll be releasing the original Spork

with two new screens.

People gonna buy the same disc twice?

It's bundled with a promotion.

Classic Spork is free
Band-Aid for the thumbs

after they play.

How much is that costing us?

Not much, it's a used Band-Aid.

What's our progress for the cheat codes

and walkthroughs online for Buggly Wuggly?

Servers recording 16,000 hits a day.

And what's our progress on finding out

what a Buggly Wuggly is?

We're asking the chat groups.

Bunny Apocalypse?

Already bundled.

Bundled Bunny.

Bunny bundled.

Beautiful.

What's our educational software doing?

We've just gotten the sales numbers

for Learn Phonics With Clefty Hairlip.

Phectacular phales and sescatuon, sir.

Monkey Dingle?

[laughs]

Bit early in the day for me, they.

[all laughing]

Okay, no more f*cking around.

This financial quarter, you
promised me a video game

with a bloodshed of Quake III

and the same homicidal
violence of Resident Evil.

Sir, I'm proud to
present the world's first

fully virtual video game.

An encompassing audio visual experience

that doesn't weigh with video screens

and puts the viewer right into the action.

How's it do that?

It's wet ware, sir.

We actually plug it into the brain.

Hmm, opens up a legal can of worms.

Where we gonna get a
sucker who will let us

plus in untested electronic
equipment into their head?

Same as anything else.

We'll hold a contest.

[playful music]

Why'd you phone me and tell me

to bring the boy down?

He's not in trouble again, is he?

On behalf of the fine
people at Snakepit Multimedia,

your son has been chosen,
along with little Shawny

what's her name over here

as the best teenage ninja players.

Great, can I smoke in here?

[lighter clicking]

Your kids will test the latest

video game system in Florida.

Holy Christ, boy, you
won us a f*cking vacation.

Wow, Kevin, this is great.

[sad music]

If you love me so much,

how come you always humiliate me?

This is my playing field.

You're on my turf now, sucker.

And you make me wish I was dead.

Narrator: Unfortunately,
the cheap b*stards

at the video game company

were only paying for accommodations,

so the family had to drive to Florida.

Fine be me.

Repo man's after the car,

so I was gonna skip town with
it for a few days anyway.

Narrator: With Percy's record,

getting into the States would normally

have been a big problem.

Luckily, he and some buddies
had gotten drunk one day

and built a secret ramp that
fixed the problem right quick.

[playful music]

Let me give you a tour.

This is where our imagineers create

the lovable characters you g*n down

in arcades every day.

It all starts here at the
most exciting place of all,

human resources, where
we recruit new staff.

So, what makes you think you can work

in multimedia production?

I have a black
turtleneck and a ponytail.

Great, when can you start?

And here's where we
think up new game concepts.

See?

It's an abandoned insane
asylum haunted by ghosts.

And then you go in, and
you sh**t the ghosts.

You can't sh**t ghosts, you idiot.

You've gotta think of think of something.

This is our f*cking jobs here.

[shoes tapping]

Okay, okay, I think I got it.

Maybe a guy drives a car through a town.

Yeah.
What?

What then?
Come on.

Where he shoots ghosts.

Shh, sh*t.
Ah, sh*t.

You're a steaming
bowl of a*s juice, Todd.

Let's just steal an idea
from some punk over the net.

You must be very proud to have your son

be the first customer to test
our virtual reality game.

I'm proud of my son every day.

[playful music]

Well, he'll find this new
game a change from Gen X Ocide.

I played that game.

It was cool 'cause the
violence was so realistic.

Of course realism is a priority.

Makes me just wanna
keep k*lling everything.

Yes, but what you're not appreciating

is that the new millennium
games won't just be violence.

Our researchers are also
working on a machine

that lets you experience virtual sex.

Pff, that'll be the day
I have sex with a machine.

Narrator: That's about
the time Kevin reminded Percy

about a little incident
involving the emergency ward

in a dust buster.

Then he said he was tired
of sitting through all

of new age guru sanctimonious bullshit

and asked when he was going
to start blowing stuff up.

Uh, just after I take care
of something with your father.

Mr. Spencer, in order to use this machine,

we need you to sign this waiver

absolving us of any responsibility

for damage, retardation, or
death caused to your son by us.

It feels good to support the boy.

[gentle music]

Snakepit Multimedia's proud

to be the first video game company

to produce a complete
virtual reality video game.

Behold, Destructo-hol-a-poc-alypti-cost.

Announcer: The Snake Bite interface

allows full intracranial interaction.

Are you ready, Kevin?

'Cause I'm gonna kick your a*s so hard.

Before we start the game,

are there any questions?

Is it safe?

I'll field that one.

f*ck off.

Er, what Mr. Spencer means to say

is that of course it's safe.

Just ask our test subjects,
Bob from the mail room,

and Mr. Bunny.

Mm, actually, I rather enjoyed it.

Mr. Spencer, would you do the honors

of putting in the coin
to start the machine?

Percy: Sure thing, hippie.

[electronic music]

[electronic beeping]

[energetic rock music]

Looks like he's doing
some kind of fruity dance.

[laughs]

[energetic rock music]

Okay, Kevin, it was a
good game, but you win.

Not.
[g*n clicks]

You made a mistake, Spencer.

I pretended that I like
you, and you went for it,

just like the sucker you are

and the sucker you'll always be.

[laughs]

Oh, and in case you
didn't notice, you lose.

[electronic beeping and buzzing]

All right, she's a bit of
a b*tch, but she's our winner.

A big hand for Shawna.

[audience applauding]

Figures my boy'd be the loser.

Hey, how come he's not
coming out of his funny hat?

[electronic music]

Producer: My god, Mr.
Spencer, you jammed the machine

by trying to use a coin
with a string tied to it.

Yeah, like I'm letting
you f*ck me out of a quarter.

Producer: But now your
son is in horrible danger.

Holy frig, that means
someone's gotta go in there

and save 'em, right?

Actually, no, we just--
Just like the movies.

I'm coming, boy.

[gentle music]

SO this is how you pay off the old man?

Embarrassing me in front of everyone?

Hey, it is pretty cool in here.

Narrator: Kevin explained
that the machine wasn't broken,

but that he'd just decided
the real world sucks,

and so, he is going to
stay inside the game.

No wonder you wanna stay in here.

You can have anything you want.

Virtual strippers suck.

[playful music]

Narrator: After a few
days inside the video game,

the developers were starting
to get a bit worried,

mostly because while
the guys were having fun

in their virtual world,

the real bodies were starting
to stink from neglect.

We can't just disconnect them.

It could damage them,
or worse, the equipment.

My god, the things they get
up to in there are disgusting.

I mean, we support people
having an imagination,

just so long as they buy it from us.

Well, we'll simply have
to get 'em out of there.

It's a disgrace to our corporate image.

Disgrace our corporate image?

I don't think so.

After all, we got rich off
the Tamela Palmi Lee video.

Oh sh*t, the kid.

I think I can help you get
those weirdos out of there.

[suspenseful music]

If you think I'm going to
let you ruin my victory

by having a big suck attack, you're wrong.

You can't beat me, Kevin Spencer.

I can turn it on, and I can turn it off.

[Percy screaming]

[playful music]

Narrator: Turning off the power

didn't k*ll the guys after all.

In fact, it only gave them a minor seizure

and a few hours of memory loss.

And even though Shawna turned out

to be a homicidal backstabbing psycho,

at least he could say she was
addicted to tormenting him,

which was kind of like a crush.

[playful music]
[bat banging]

[electronic beeping]

[energetic rock music]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ His head don't work, it never did ♪

♪ [energetic rock music] ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ You better not cross his path ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ He's a chain smoking
alcoholic sociopath ♪

♪ Sociopath ♪

♪ And he's climbing the
stairway to my house ♪