03x11 - M.O.W.

[bunniefuu]

[rock music]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ His head don't work it never did ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ You better not cross his path ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ He's a chain smoking
alcoholic sociopath ♪

♪ Sociopath ♪

[laughs]

[casual music]

[crashes]

[g*nsh*t fires]

God wants you to give me your money.

God needs me to have your money.

If I'm lying, may Jesus strike me dead.

[crashes]

Ain't nothing mysterious about that.

Missed again, broken head.

Now you owe me seven trillion dollars.

Narrator: Kevin told Alan
that he didn't have any money

because he was poor and had no job skills.

And because Mike Harris
had bent the old man over

and given him a good stiff reaming.

Then, he reminded the goose

that what little money he
did manage to scrape up,

he quickly spent on
cough syrup and smokes.

Because that's what Alan
kept telling him to do

if he wanted to keep his soul.

Touche.

Speaking of, how's about we
get ourselves nice and tight

and see if we can't
take the edge off some.

And that's when I pissed myself

and the guy dressed as
a lizard laughed so hard

he puked in the plastic lizard head.

f*ck, I laughed.

Hey boy, nice sh**ting, you crazy b*stard.

Geez, you suck.

You couldn't hit the broad
side of your old lady's a*s

if you were standing in its shadow.

Neither can you most
nights, ya fat drunk b*stard.

[laughs]

Both: [laughs]

Jesus Christ, this is nice.

We ain't been out as a
family in a long time.

That's mostly because broken head

spends so much time in
custody, he ain't never around.

Like you're any better.

[laughs]

You can still make me laugh, baby.

I bet that ain't all
I can still make you do.

[snaps]

[silly music]

Holy smokes, it's like
watching two sea lions fight.

Oh, yes.

Quit staring, boy,
you're weirding me out.

Woman: Yeah, take your g*n
and go find something to do

while your daddy and me renews our vows.

Oh, yes, baby, oh boy.

[roars]

[dramatic music]

[roars]

[screams]

[roars]

[g*nsh*t fires]

[dramatic music]

[roars]

[g*nshots fire]

[thumps]

[roars]

Narrator: Kevin was amazed.

He had managed to sh**t
the bear just in time

to save his own life.

Then some men who worked at
the dump called the police

and Kevin was arrested
for hunting out of season,

ill*gal possession of a
firearm, and aggravated as*ault

because Alan had told him
to punch one of the cops,

so he did.

[dramatic music]

[slams]

My god, you're a mere child.

What kind of world do we live in

where the powers the
be would feel compelled

to house a boy of such a tender age

in the harsh and brutal
confines of an adult prison?

Narrator: Kevin told
the funny talking man

that is was a kind of world

where if you racked up 106 felony arrests

by your 13th birthday,

you've pretty much ruled out
juvenile detention centers.

Then, Kevin told the man

that if it wasn't for
the young offender's act,

he'd be doing a life sentence.

Then Kevin laughed really hard

because that was the kind of
thing he thought was funny.

Prisoner: Cease with
the macho rhetoric, son.

I see right through you.

You're a frightened lamb
trying to compensate

by exaggerating your exploits

in order to garner a prison reputation

so the other convicts won't
try to make you their b*tch.

[laughs]

Trust me, I've seen it before.

Hell, I even made a movie about it.

Perhaps you remember
the made for TV classic,

"I Don't Catch My an*s, My
Life, the Gary Smith Story"

[sad music]

Announcer: The law had
stripped him of his freedom.

Society had thrown him away
into the harsh and brutal world

of adult prison.

They'd taken everything he held sacred

and drowned it in a
tub like a Chinese baby

at the hands of its government,

all but one thing, his dignity.

And to stop that, this boy
would have to become a man.

Don't miss, "I Don't
Catch, My an*s, My Life.

The Gary Smith Story" Tonight at nine.

Narrator: Kevin asked the man

if he was really a successful
television producer

and why he had such an a**l fixation.

Yes and none of your business.

Now, why don't you tell me
the real reason you're here.

What could an innocent scamp like you

possibly have done to land himself

in this barbaric hell hole?

Narrator: Kevin told
the man with the a*s thing

that for the first time in his life,

he was wrongfully incarcerated.

Kevin said he had acted in self defense

to save himself from
being mauled by a bear.

Just like the lead
character in Polar Adams,

the cheap Canadian knock
off of Grizzly Adams.

And action.

[silly music]

[dramatic music]

This really isn't your
first time behind bars.

Narrator: Kevin laughed again.

Then, he said he'd tell
the man his life story

for 20 bucks and some smokes.

[mouse squeaks]

Both: [snores]

Hey fatty, you up?

Gimme a smoke.

Fatty, hey fatty, hey fat,
where are your smokes at, fatty?

Anastasia was still out cold

from all the wry, so Percy figured

he's just help himself to some smokes.

Then, he figured he'd help
himself to all of her money

and ditch her and go
drinking at the peeler bar.

Jesus Christ, where the
hell did she get all this?

Narrator: Percy had never seen

that much money before in his life.

He knew that if he stole it from his wife,

she'd wake up and come after him.

So, he figured he'd
chain her legs together,

so if she found him later,
he could out run her.

[chains jingle]

[upbeat music]

And that's when I pissed myself

and the guy dressed as
lizard laughed so hard

he puked in the plastic
lizard head, f*ck, I laughed.

Yeah, that's funny, Percy.

So, how you be paying for this?

Cash money.

Whoa, where'd you get
that kind of money, Percy?

You ain't working, are you?

Both: [laughs]

Yeah, I got me a job.

Look at me, I'm employed.

Hey, hey you, get me one of them people

to tell Johnathan in
accounting he's fired.

And tell him to suck
my d*ck on the way out.

Yeah, right, me working.

That'll be the f*ck' day.

Hey, since you're flush,
how bot cleaning up your tab?

No.

Well, maybe I'll just cut you off then.

Like to see you try.

You're cut off.

Fine, I'll leave as soon
as I finish this here drink.

Now.

You're gonna regret this, Marty.

When you least expect it,
I'm gonna get even with you.

Oh, I'm real scared. Spence.

[booms]

Narrator: Percy figured
that oughta learn Marty

a thing or two.

And he aimed on getting out of there

before the cops showed up.

Percy almost made it to the door

before he ran out of breath

and decided to screw
the whole getaway plan

and sit down and finish his beer instead.

Since prison food was a whole lot better

than any other crap his old
lady slapped in front of him.

[dramatic music]

That can't possibly be true.

No one man can be that negligent.

Me thinks you are embellishing again.

Percy: I swear to god I just tripped.

I wasn't even going for your g*n.

[thumps]

[slams]

f*ck' screws.

Oh good, you's here too.

Give me a smoke, boy.

Narrator: Kevin told the old
man that he was outta smokes

and even if he did have some,

he wouldn't give him one anyway

because he was a freeloading arsehole,

who never returned the favor.

Percy: Who puts the food
on the table, broken head?

You ever think of that?

Narrator: Kevin told
Percy that it was welfare

who put the food on the table,

and that he thought about it a lot.

Especially when he
sometimes went to school

and saw the rich kids who had lunch.

f*ck, boy, how many
times I gotta tell ya?

Just take someone else's lunch.

Ain't no one gonna say nothing

on account of your head problems.

Leave him alone.

He's just an innocent child.

Who, him?

Oh, yeah, he's real f*ck' innocent.

Ain't that right, boy?

Percy And Kevin: [laughs]

Hey, you got any smokes?

[strange music]

Atta boy, don't take no sh*t.

Do you really think
that's a proper thing

to be teaching your son?

First of all, he ain't never learned

nothing halfway useful before.

And secondly, who gives a f*ck?

It's no wonder he's been
arrested so many times.

He ain't even close to
catching up to the old man.

Listen, I just had an idea.

I'm going to be getting out
of jail in a couple of days

and I was thinking, I'm in
the market for a new project.

Something dark and hard hitting.

How would you two feel
about having a movie made

about your life story?

It'll be about your family,
the two of you and your wife.

Narrator: Kevin told them
there was already a movie

made about his mother and it
was called, "The Titantic."

[laughs]

Narrator: Kevin didn't
know why it was so funny

because he'd honestly thought it was true.

Okay, here's what I'll do.

When I get out, I'll
arrange for my company

to post your bail,

then, you two can't act as
consultants for the film.

I really think this is an
idea whose time as come.

It can be a hard hitting social commentary

of the welfare state and the
failure of government service

as in agencies to both recognize

and provide proper social
services to those most in need.

What do you think?

[farts]

Oh my god.

I think I shouldn't have
run so far after all that draft

but upside of that, you can count me in.

Hey, hurry up with them snacks and beer.

It's almost starting.

Hey boy, stick another
smoke in my smokinator.

Snacks and beer!

Keep it in your pants,
ya fat b*stard, I'm coming.

[crashes]

Both: [laughs]

Six f*ck' months
and it's still funny.

Shut up, the show is on.

[dramatic music]

[thunder crashes]

Gosh darn you, Kevin Spencer.

I wish you'd never been born.

Aw, fudge.

That's all we need, another
gall darn mouth to feed.

I'm going drinking to
cope with my problems.

If you have something
funny to say, Kevin Spencer,

then why don't you share it
with the rest of the class?

To hell with you and your
whole damn educational system!

Don't you get it?

I'm poor and my parents
are both alcoholics.

What chance do I have?

You always were a lousy
provider in every department.

That's why I've been having
sex with your friends.

I can't live like this!

[dramatic music]

[thunder crashes]

I'll show you, society, I'll show you all.

[g*n clicks]

Announcer: Little Boy
Lost, The Kevin Spencer Story

will return in a moment.

What a whiny p*ssy.

Man alive, am I ever glad
you don't really speak, boy.

Hey, someone rebeer my f*ck' hat.

Kevin, rebeer your daddy's f*ck' hat.

Narrator: Kevin told his parents

that he was sick and tired

of babysitting the old
man's drinking habit

and that if he wanted a beer that bad,

he'd have to figure out
a way to do it himself.

Ma, cuff the boy.

Shut your face, the story's back on.

This ain't over, broken head.

Anastasia: Quiet the f*ck up, f*ck.

[baby cries]

You were supposed
to bring me cigarettes.

You shouldn't smoke
in front of your son.

See boy?

I do love you.

The hell with my son.

He's worthless.

[echoes]

You got that right.

Quiet, f*ck.

Kiss my a*s, fatty.

[thumps]

Not my f*ck' arms.

[laughs]

Anastasia: I warned you.

[sad music]

[crashes]

[baby cries]

[baby cries]

[baby cries]

[thunder crashes]

[beeps]

[static crackles]

[bright music]

Group: [snores]

[phone rings]

What?

[mumbles]

Nah, I passed out and
missed the f*ck' end.

Don't matter anyway.

I pretty much know how it turns out.

I end up still married to fatty

and the boy's still f*cked in the head.

What do you mean, crying?

Percy Spencer don't cry.

Go to hell.

[strange music]

Hey, crybaby.

What the?

Nice purse, do all the
b*tches in prison get one?

f*ck off.

Look, mommy, it's the fat, drunk man

who cried in the prison after
the other men touched him.

Go to hell.

I mean, you had to see this guy.

He looked exactly like
Percy only not as dirty.

He even cried like Percy.

I know it 'cause I remember

the night Percy dropped
his smokes in the urinal

then still tried to smoke them.

Next time you see him, ask
him about the pee smokes.

Man, that was some kind
of funny that night.

Gimme a jug.

Can't, draft order ain't come in yet.

Oh, that's just perfect.

Geez, you ain't gonna cry
or nothing, is you p*ssy?

I mean, Percy.

[laughs]

Hey, you got any pee smokes?

[laughs]

[strange music]

Take it easy, Perce,
we was only teasing you

on account of the movie last night.

That f*ck' movie.

Whole god damn town is laughing at me,

thinking I'm a bad father and sh*t.

And stupid, don't forget stupid

'cause you're real stupid in the movie.

If I was stupid, would I
be sittin' here on a work day

with a purse full of drinkin' money?

Nah, you'd be working
down at the soup kitchen.

The hell are you talking
about, you stupid McBastard?

You in the movie.

You realized you were a fat, lazy loser

so you sobered up and found god

and started working at the soup kitchen

to help other people.

Loser?

Sober, working?

Wait til I get my hands on that b*stard.

He's gonna have to make a f*ck' sequel

to show what life was
like for Percy Spencer

after he got sent back to the joint

for tearing some as*h*le
TV producer a new one.

Put that on my tab.

You ain't had nothing to drink yet.

All right, give me a couple of beers.

I'll get that son of a
b*tch, Blaine, later.

[strange music]

It was self defense.

My client had no weapon.

He wasn't attacking you.

You showed up at his place
of work smelling of liquor.

I always smell of liquor.

That don't mean nothing.

Clearly, my client was
presenting no danger to you

and your vicious attack
was completely unwarranted.

Isn't that right, Mr. Spencer?

Stupid f*ck' arms.

[screams]

[silly music]

How long they give you?

[laughs]

Well, it's funny.

Ah, yeah, f*ck you too.

I'll send the boy around with some smokes.

[casual music]

I'm going out for a few months.

If anyone asks em', tell em' you're 18.

Or write it down.

Whatever it is you do.

Narrator: Kevin was sad.

He didn't like being
in the house all alone

because he was still just a kid.

Most people thought he
was older than what he was

because of the drinking and smoking

and all the felony arrests.

But the more Kevin thought about it,

the more he liked the idea of
not having his parents around.

Because that meant he
got to wear the beer hat.

♪ Oh dad ♪

♪ I know you tried to
teach me right from wrong ♪

♪ Right from wrong ♪

♪ I didn't really care ♪

♪ Its just my way so there ♪

♪ Oh dad ♪

♪ I really tried for us to get along ♪

♪ You told me I was wrong ♪

♪ It's made my habits strong ♪

♪ You're my dad and you're my mom ♪

♪ Its a wonderful world
when we're together ♪

♪ All the prisons in the world ♪

♪ Could never change a thing ♪

♪ You're my dad and you're my mom ♪

♪ It's a wonderful place to be forever ♪

♪ When I'm alone I haven't got a thing ♪

♪ Oh mom ♪

♪ You were the one that
came to comfort me ♪

♪ Comfort me ♪

♪ You helped me off the ground ♪

♪ You've really been around ♪

♪ I'm your son and you're my mom ♪

♪ Its a wonderful world
when we're together ♪

♪ All the stories have been told ♪

♪ And still I'm here alone ♪

[casual music]

Home sweet home.

[horn blares]

[applause]

What the hell's going on?

[casual music]

Thank Christ, you're here, Percy.

I didn't think you was
ever gonna get parole.

[applause]

The boy's gone even more f*ck' nuts.

He got a studio audience in every room

and he's filming everything.

He's broadcasting it live on the internet.

What's that?

It's something to do with computers.

Tch, computers, f*ck'
fad that's all they are.

[applause]

f*ck off.

[applause]

f*ck off.

[applause]

Don't do it Percy, he's
got the security laser set up.

Once you's in, you can't
get back outta the house.

Quit being stupid, fatty.

The boy don't know how to work no-

[screams]

[applause]

[beeps]

[rock music]

♪ Kevin spencer ♪

♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪

♪ Kevin spencer ♪

♪ His head don't work it never did ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ You better not cross his path ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ He's a chain smoking
alcoholic sociopath ♪

♪ Sociopath ♪

Percy: And that's when I pissed myself

and the guy dressed as a lizard

laughed so hard he puked
in the plastic lizard head.

[guitar riff]