03x12 - Practical Jokes

[bunniefuu]

[upbeat rock music]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ His head don't work, it never did ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ You better not cross his path ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ He's a chain smokin'
alcoholic sociopath ♪

Sociopath

[laughing]

[slow music]

[gulping]

[glass breaking]

[burp]

[scratching]

How long you been up?

Since about noon.

Well, the early bird gets the worm.

Pfft, the f*ck would I do with a worm?

[scratching]

[fart]

Jesus, woman!

[laughing]

Don't say I never gave you nothing.

[laughing]

[groans]

Ugh, that ain't funny
Percy, I coulda' been away.

I am the king, you's just
pissed off I gotcha good.

Ain't like you don't fall
off the porch three four

times a week anyways.

[dramatic music]

You won't be laughing so
hard when it's payback time.

When you gonna learn
you ain't smart enough

to pull one over on the master?

We'll just see about that.

If you're comin' back
out, bring me a beer.

[chuckles]

Master my a*s!

[smashing]

Give it boy, bust that f*ck' thing good!

[suspenseful music]

[suspenseful music]

[glass shatters]

Swish.

The phones for you, Percy.

[mouse trap slams shut]

Argh!

What's the matter Percy,
was it the wrong number?

[she laughs]

[screaming]

f*ck, did that hurt!

I think you broke my f*cking lip.

Now who's the master?

[glass shatters]

[trap music]

Darn it, boy, go get it!

[upbeat rock music]

Incoming!

[glass shatters]

[fart]

Hey, where's that beer at
you were supposed to bring me?

Do I look like a maid?

You look like a fat
drunk who needs a bath.

That ain't no way
to talk to the master.

What, 'cause of the mouse trap?

I don't think so.

Just you wait, I'll show
you who the master is.

Shoes untied!

Made you look.

[laughs]

[dramatic music]

[glass shattering]

[dramatic music]

[exclaims]

Anastasia: I'm the master!

You're gonna pay for that, fatty!

[smashing]

Did you get it boy?

Did you make the voices
stop talking to you?

Sweet, now how's about you
go to the store and steal

mommy a carton of smokes?

And remember, if you's gets
caught, you say you was

doing it for daddy and I
don't know nothing about it.

[suspenseful music]

[upbeat piano]

[upbeat piano]

[groans]

[chuckling]

Little trouble with
your balance there, tubby?

The master is going drinking.

[upbeat music]

Ah, it'll come to me.

You remind me of someone.

That rash back, Percy?

What?

Oh, geez, I forgot they was up.

Hey pal, buy me a beer?

Just asking, as*h*le.

You're late Percy, I didn't
figure you was comin' in.

I had some stuff to
take care of at home.

Hey, who does this guy remind you of?

It's been bugging me.

Looks like my f*cking kid
in a fake beard and mustache.

[quick footsteps]

[quick footsteps approaching]

sh*t, I was hopin' he'd leave that.

[phone trilling]

Camel Toe, Marty speaking.

It's for you, Percy.

What?

Child services is here for
the boy, you gotta come home.

That the best you got?

I ain't shittin' ya Percy,
here, you talk to the guy.

Is this uh, Percy Spencer?

What the f*ck's it to
ya, and who wants to know?

Hi, my name is Gary
Buttons, and I'm an officer

for the Children's Aid
Society, we've had some

complaints registered
against you and your wife

and we're here to straighten things out.

If we can't come to some
resolution, then Kevin will

be placed in foster care, and
your child support benefits

will be cut off.

Fine, I'm on my way.

Jesus, keeping welfare
going is getting to be so

much like work, it's almost
like having a stupid job.

I'll see ya, Marty.

There, I did what you said.

Now can I please have my car keys back?

Fine!

Hey, you wanna get 'em yourself?

God no!

Well, you know where
the f*ck' door is, so hit

the bricks before Percy gets home.

[upbeat jazz music]

[upbeat jazz music]

[upbeat jazz music]

Where's the as*h*le at?

Up in the boys room,
checkin' to see if we

provide for him good enough.

Don't you say nothin',
let me do the talkin'.

What the hells going on!

Oh, Jesus that hurts!

[she laughs]

[dramatic suspenseful music]

[air horn sounds]

[screaming]

I am the master!

[dramatic rock music]

Time for f*cking around, fatty.

This is w*r!

We'll just see who the master is.

Where to, lady?

Closest bar.

Hey, didn't I bang you once?

No, I don't think so.

You sure?

Yes.

You got a brother?

Yes.

Maybe I banged him.

That will be $2.45.

[flirtatious music]

Hey, how's about you hop
over the seat, and we sees

if we can't find us another
way to clear up that bill.

Oh my God, no.

Predictable to a fault.

[piano music]

[groaning]

Oh, my f*ck' heart!

Son of a b*tch, this is all I need.

Ah, get off me bird, bird get off me!

Ah, f*cking bird!

Ugh!

[suspenseful music]

Holy smokes, the fear
jump started my heart.

That's pretty f*ck' sweet.

Chalk one up for Percy.

Now back to you, lard a*s.

[rock music]

[rock music]

[rock music]

Hey, hey hey you, hey pal?

What the f*ck you want there?

Do me a favor and go
ask that lady to dance?

Not a chance!

One dance?

I'll give you 20 bucks.

Cash first.

[glass shatters]

[slow rock music]

[slow rock music]

Percy, you is a genius.

[tense music]

[tense music]

Oh, gee, is the door locked?

Whatever shall you do now?

[tense music]

Oh Jesus, that's just perfect!

[farts]

Hey, everyone look!

The fat drunk lady just sh*t her pants.

[laughter]

Shame about them bathroom
doors being locked.

[chuckles]

Son of a b*tch, I can't
believe I fell for that

twice this week!

[g*n c*ck]

[scary music]

Good to see you's finally
making some friends, boy.

Don't tell your old lady where
I keep my emergency booze.

Hey, that's a lotta money boy.

How's about spotting daddy a few bills?

Oh f*ck off yourself, you little b*stard.

She's pissed off at me because
I followed her to a bar

and spiked her drink with a laxative,

and she sh*t her pants
in front of everyone!

[they both laugh]

Thinks he's so smart,
hey everyone, look,

son of a b*tch.

You wanna play hard ball Percy!

Well that's fine by me!

Bring it on, sh*t pants.

[suspenseful music]

[suspenseful music]

[suspenseful music]

[upbeat music]

[music stops abruptly]

[dramatic music]

[drum beat]

[glass shatters]

What did I tell ya' about
dead animals in the house, boy?

Yeah, I don't remember either.

[phone trilling]

You don't speak nothin'
stupid, why the f*ck you

answering the phone?

What?

Person: Is this Percy Spencer?

No, it's Prince La-Di-Da
f*ck Land, what the hell

do ya' want?

Person: Listen, ya sick b*stard.

We don't want your kind
in the neighborhood.

Ha, take a number as*h*le.

Person: We're gonna get you, Spencer.

[phone rings]

What?

Person: You're going to hell, pervert!

Hey Percy, how's it goin'?

What the hell did you do?

I don't know what you mean.

Hey, where's that boy at,
you know he's supposed

to bring me some smokes.

He's up in his room, eating a falcon.

Again with the animals?

You know that violates his parole.

Is you tryin' to get our welfare cut off?

Kevin!

Percy: Where's your purse, fatty?

I'm goin' out.

Ah, f*ck off.

I ain't lookin' for trouble, Kevin.

I just want the bird, I'm
gonna open the door now, Kevin.

Nice and slow, okay?

I'm alone, I'm not armed sweetie.

I just want the bird.

I'm gonna turn on the light now, Kevin.

Nice and slow, okay?

[suspenseful music]

[upbeat music]

[upbeat music]

I hope you die, pervert.

What the f*ck's going on?

[upbeat music]

You're dead, Anastasia.

[dramatic music]

[dramatic music]

[dramatic music]

I slept with a hooker I knew
had crabs yesterday, take that.

I already have crabs, and
syphilis, I am the master!

From the Prime Minister,
jeez I wonder what it is.

[thud]

♪ There's love, love in the air ♪

♪ There's love, love everywhere ♪

♪ There's always something special ♪

♪ When love is in your soul ♪

♪ 'Cause love, love will conquer all ♪

♪ There's love, love in the air ♪

♪ There's love, love everywhere ♪

[truck honks]

[tires screech]

Okay, you're the master.

Told ya' I was.

Shoulda' listened to
me in the first place.

Yeah, whatever.

Now if you'll kindly shut the hell up,

the master is going to get some sleep.

[suspenseful music]

Oh, hey, Percy!

What?

[farts]

[upbeat music]

Narrator: Kevin's mom and
dad were still in the hospital

and Kevin was hungry
because he didn't know how

to make food.

Then it occurred to Kevin
that he should just go out

somewhere to eat, because
he had all the money

from his new friends.

Kevin liked the idea
of having new friends,

and the more he thought
about it, the more he forgot

what he was doing in the first place.

[eerie music]

Kevin was still thinking
about it, two days later,

when he fainted from
malnourishment and fell down.

Why don't you look in the
f*ck' fridge, bonehead?

[laughter]

Yeah, yeah.

I've got to do everything
around here, I'll be in

the living room Kevin.

Alan: Grab the f*ck'
chicken too, broken head!

Attaboy, Kevin.

You's on the road to recovery now.

Narrator: Alan spent the next few days

slowly nursing Kevin back to the glowing

example of health that he normally was.

[upbeat music]

Now drop and give me 20 pushups.

You made it boy, you's
back to your old self!

Narrator: Kevin was
happy to be back to normal,

and he wanted to thank
his imaginary friend.

Kevin asked Alan what he
wanted more than anything

in the whole world.

Hm, let's you and me
get nice and liquored up,

get some h*'s, steal a
motorcycle, and see if we can

jump it all the way
over the f*cking house.

We are live outside of
the home of a young man

named Kevin Spencer, who
today is gonna tempt fate

by attempting to jump a
motorcycle over his house.

I'm joined now by
motorcycle jumping expert

Tom Jumpmaster Smith, Tom,
you've seen the set-up,

the motorcycle being used,
what are your thoughts?

You know, this is
exactly the kinda thing

that gives daredevil
motorcycle jumping a bad name,

Tom: The ramps are, to
my eye at least, too steep

to make a safe jump, and he's
driving a stolen minibike

that runs on a lawnmower engine.

Is that bad?

Tom: Well, take a look
at this stock footage.

The bike in question has a
top speed of 40 miles an hour,

for a jump of this magnitude
you need at least twice

that speed, plus he's
doubling a couple of wh*res,

and that extra weight is gonna cost him.

Bear in mind though,
the wh*res in question are

in fact crack wh*res, so
they don't weigh as much as

say, a conventional wh*re or an escort.

Oh, and I'd like to say a
special thanks to this weeks

guest artist, Stephanie
Teisman, a grade 6 student

from John Bowell Public
School, great work Stephanie!

Anyway, I know my wh*res,
and all I'm saying is that-

Sorry to cut you off
Tom, but I've just gotten

word from my producers that
Kevin Spencer is set to go,

clearly this is a historic
event for backyard crazies

and village idiots everywhere.

Reporter: We now go
live to our action news

cameras on the scene.

Narrator: Kevin was excited,
because he was positive

his plan would work, and
he would become famous.

Mostly because Kevin
wasn't real smart when it

came to physics.

[motorbike engine sounds]

[crowd gasps]

[vehicle engine intensifies]

[screaming]

[suspenseful music]

[suspenseful music]

[crashing]

[crowd gasps]

[laughter]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ His head don't work it never did! ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ You better not cross his path ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ He's a chain smoking
alcoholic sociopath ♪

♪ Sociopath! ♪

Percy: Ah, get off me
bird, bird get off ah!

f*ck' bird!