03x13 - Orion

[bunniefuu]

[upbeat rock music]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ His head don't work, it never did ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ You better not cross his path ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ He's a chain-smoking
alcoholic sociopath ♪

♪ Sociopath ♪

[Kevin laughing]

[whimsical music]

[tires screeching]

[horn honking]

[whimsical music]

[upbeat bluesy music]

Holy Christ, look
at the f*ck' lineup.

Get me a coffee, triple triple.

I gotta take a piss.

I gotta piss, too, you get the coffee.

f*ck that, I can't hold it no more.

Boy, you stand in
line and get the coffee,

triple triple for daddy and
one cream and six sugar for me,

and get a f*cking muffin or
Danish or some sh*t, too.

Yeah, get me a lemon tart
or some f*ck' thing, boy.

Narrator: Kevin and his
family were taking a vacation.

Kevin had never been
camping on purpose before

and he was pretty excited.

He couldn't wait to catch up to Allen,

who'd gone ahead to search for gold

and make sure there weren't
any demons hiding in the woods.

Tell Fatty I'll be in the
car, and hurry the f*ck up.

[whimsical music]

Them's nice people, they let
me and the boy butt up front.

Hey, we ain't lost, is we?

Not, but what kind of map is this?

It don't show where none
of the liquor stores is.

Oh, sure, it's got schools on
there, but no booze stores.

Who the hell go to school on vacation?

Who the hell in this family
goes to school any time?

Not the boy, that's for sure.

[all laughing]

Come on, let's just go.

I'll sniff one out along the way.

[lively folk music]

Pop me another one, Perce.

Ain't this the f*cking life.

I'll say, you can just throw
your stuff where you want,

and you ain't gotta worry none
about cleaning it up later.

Yeah, like cleaning up takes up a lot

of your f*ck' time back home.

[both laughing]
[tent stakes clanking]

How's the tent coming, boy?

Narrator: Kevin was having trouble

putting the tent together
because he'd never done it before

and because he couldn't read,

so the instructions weren't
doing him a heap of good.

Kevin figured a smoke might help,

mostly because he didn't
know how flammable nylon was.

[Percy and Anastasia laughing]

[fists thudding]

Jeez, where the hell
we gonna sleep now?

Screw it, we'll just sleep in the car.

Ain't like broken head was ever gonna get

the f*cking thing put up anyway.

Not so fast, boy, this is grown-up beer.

The kids' beer's over there.

Narrator: Kevin didn't much care

for the old man's insolent attitude,

but since light beer
was better than no beer,

he decided not to let
the axe monkey loose.

[monkey shrieking]
[cheerful music]

Then he figured on
finding a nice quiet spot

away from his parents where
he could get good and loaded,

mostly because he didn't
want them catching him

with the bottle of rye he'd lifted

out of the old lady's purse.

[cheerful country music]
[beer gurgling]

What the f*ck you waving at?

I'm just making nice
with our neighbors.

[scoffs] Only h*m* wear overalls.

What about train conductors?

Who cares, I'm going to
that titty bar back in town.

Aw, Jesus, Percy, we's on vacation.

How come you don't never
pay no romantic attention

to me no more?

'Cause if I wanted to
have sex with a fat drunk,

I'd just whack off.

I ain't drunk yet.

Nice pants, fruit.

[cheerful music]

Nice pants, fruit, chalk one up for Percy.

Hey, yous want a f*ck' beer?

[twangy banjo music]

[bluesy music]

Narrator: Kevin was scared at first

because he thought it was either
his mom coming for the rye

or a giant radioactive spider,

but it was just his old
pal Allen the Magic Goose.

Hey, Kevin, I got all them
demons you was worried about.

What you want us to do with 'em now?

[creatures rumbling]

Narrator: Kevin told
Allen that since demons

weren't very good swimmers,
he might just as well

throw the whole bag in the water.

As you wish, Kevin.

How's about a f*ck'
smoke for the bird, Kevin?

Narrator: Kevin told
Allen that he was getting

pretty fed up with always
being the one with the smokes

and that it was high time
the bird got off his lazy a*s

and started contributing his fair share.

I don't f*ck' exist but in your head.

How the hell am I gonna get smokes

unless you imagine me getting smokes?

Narrator: Kevin thought
about it for a long time

and finally decided to give
the bird a smoke to stall him

until he could figure
out a hole in his logic.

It never occurred to
Kevin to imagine Allen

as a non-smoking magic goose

because Kevin wasn't the
kind of kid who came up

with smart ideas rooted in
fairly basic common sense.

Ah, that's more like it, broken head.

Now how's about topping up
the bird with a bit of booze,

and then you and me can go have us

some good old fun times in your head.

[Kevin laughing]

[upbeat folk music]

[tires screeching]

[laughs] f*ck, I can't drive.

Yeah, you better take
off, you f*ck' coward.

[lively country music]

Some as*h*le just run
into my station wagon

and whoever's truck that is out there.

Then the f*cking guy took off.

Gimme a jug of draft.

Where the peelers at?

Okay, them don't start 'til round about

a few hours from here.

A few hours?

Well, you got any porno magazines
I can look at 'til then?

No, sir, but I do got
that there adult channel

on the television up
yonder, but I don't like

to keep it on none.

The old lady don't go in for
me watching no adult films

because they push ideas into my mind

of the kind that she don't like.

Yeah, my old lady's got
a problem with porno, too.

She don't like you
watching them, neither?

Nah, she keeps accidentally
starring in 'em. [gulps]

That don't make no sense, friend.

You can't but do it on purpose.

Naw, that ain't it.

She likes to have a few and
when she gets real loaded,

she sometimes has sex with other men

because she thinks they're me.

She explained it to me one.

Even so, someone done
gotta run the camera

and make the pictures.

Hey, you're right,
son of a b*tch! [gulps]

Put that on my tab.

You ain't got one!

I don't know who the hell you are.

Right [laughs], well
then, you're sh*t outta luck.

[lively folk music]

[engine roaring]

[dramatic music]

[tires screeching]

[lively folk music]

[chiming harp music]

Yee-ha!
[upbeat electronic music]

[expl*si*n booms]

[crowd cheering]

[gentle music]

[celebratory organ music]
[Kevin laughing]

[bear roars]

[kiss smacks]

[peaceful music]

[chiming harp music]

[somber music]

[beer gurgling]

[tires screeching]

[whimsical music]

Where the f*ck you at, Fatty?

We gotta talk about them
pornos you was accidentally in.

Did my agent call?

What, where the hell are you?

Geez, Percy, I, uh,
kinda figured you'd be gone

for a little while longer.

Son of a b*tch, the overalls guy?

Ain't you got no f*cking standards?

There it ain't right
and in no ways proper

to be addressing a lady, no sir.

Shut up, you
stupid-talkin' hillbilly f*ck,

before I put my foot up your a*s.

Let's go, Anastasia.

Why don't y'all let the lady here

fix on deciding whosome she
all wanna be staying with.

Holy sweet Jesus, woman.

Listen to the arsehole talk.

He's f*ck' mentally handi-Ret*rded.

Now let's f*ck' go.

[hand thuds]

[dramatic music]

Chop him in the heart!

He's got a bad f*ck' heart,
he's got a bad f*ck' heart!

Chop him in the heart!

Ah, I'm blind, I'm blind!

[whimsical music]

Any of them beers left?

Nice parking job, bonehead.

[laughs] Glad it ain't my car.

Now normally you'd be right

and four of a kind would beat a seven,

but since we's playing
Russian rules poker,

a seven beats everything.

That means I win, so start
hitting with the losing stick.

[slow jazzy music]

[stick thudding]

My eyes, my eyes!
[discordant music]

My eyes!

[Orion thuds]
[cymbal crashes]

I'll be seeing you, Kevin.

[engine roaring]

[somber music]

Narrator: Kevin was scared.

He'd spent enough time

with blind inbred mountain
people in his life

to know things probably weren't
gonna turn out too well,

mostly at family reunions, which is why

he and his parents had stopped going,

and because all their blind
inbred mountain people relatives

had asked him to stop coming

because Kevin and his family
kept embarrassing them.

You ain't going nowheres, boy.

I need you for to lead me back to my kin

to get a-fixin' on my eyes.

Narrator: Kevin told
the man that he didn't know

how to get there, and since he was loaded,

there was a pretty good chance

he wasn't going to figure it out, either.

[mellow country music]

They're just to the east of us.

Just make on keeping the sun on our backs

and we shall find 'em.

♪ Danger ♪
[horn honking]

♪ Yes, it's all around you ♪

♪ Danger, yes ♪

What?

You're gonna have to
turn the music down, folks.

Your neighbors have been complaining.

Tell 'em to kiss my a*s.

This is your only warning.

Either turn it off or I'll see to it

that you're kicked out
of the park, got it?

Turn off the f*ck' music, Percy.

♪ Danger, yeah, it's right
behind you, so don't ♪

There, you happy?

Yes.

Just so's I'm clear on things,

you guys got any rules about swearing?

We can't tell you what to say,

only to say it in a tone of voice

that doesn't disturb the other campers.

[whimsical music]

Then why don't you f*ck off

so's I can get back to my
drinking, you stupid as*h*le.

Hey, neighbors, suck my d*ck [laughs].

♪ Danger, yes, it's all around you ♪

♪ Danger, yes, it's always ♪

[cheerful music]

Narrator: Kevin hoped the
village was a long way away

because he liked riding on
the big man's shoulders.

It was a lot less exerting
than walking himself,

which made it easier for
him to inhale more smoke.

[sniffs] I can smell my kin.

It ain't but too far from here now.

[jangly banjo music]

[beer gurgling]

Dooley: What in tarnation?

What are you up and fussin' for, Pa?

Looky there at what that be.

Hang right on, come a minute, who dat?

[mellow music]

Orion, he come home, Pa!

Well, I'll be a
two-peckered billy goat.

Mabel, you best get to fixin'
for getting me a new jug

and putting on your party dress.

I'm setting on a celebration
for the return of my boy.

You might wanna watch that
leprosy more careful, too.

[snake rattles]
[bird chirping]

[lively banjo music]

Look, Pa, them's already rolled smokes.

He must be a k*ller something.

There's some people I
likin' you to meet, Kevin.

This be Dooley, he's my pa.

Also, I want to be meeting my ma

and my sister and my second wife, Mabel.

Orion, why you done come back?

I been blinded by fuel.

I need your help, Pa.

Y'all try rinsing it out with water?

[birds chirping]

That why he the smart one.

[cheerful folk music]

[Kevin laughing]

They's fixed!

Pa saying we gonna have a party

for to celebrate you coming back.

Nah, I can't stay none.

I gotta go backs to the
campground and rescue a woman

and k*ll the fat, drunk
man what burned my eyes.

Narrator: Kevin figured
he'd go back with Orion

because the strange stumpy man

and the woman with the big, weird head

were starting to spook him out.

[whimsical music]

I can see on my own now.

I don't for need you
riding on my head no more.

[whimsical music]

♪ Danger ♪
Percy, Percy!

Percy, ah, Percy!

Rock and roll will never die!

[spray hisses]
[Percy screams]

Percy!
[somber music]

♪ Danger, it's ♪

[g*nsh*t booms]

[somber music]

This is f*ck' police brutality.

I want a court-appointed lawyer.

[gas hissing]
[Percy sobbing]

Percy [sobs], Percy!

[dispatcher chattering]
[whimsical music]

I always makes a
production so's he'll think

I still love him, but I'm only with him

'cause he gets welfare and
long-term workman's comp.

[engine rumbling]
[crickets chirping]

Well, now what the f*ck am I gonna do?

[jangly banjo music]

Ah, too late, the cops just arrested him

for drunk and disorderly
and public nudity.

He didn't hurt you none, did he?

Oh, no, we used lubricant this time.

[cheerful music]

I forgot we brung you.

Me and your friend here is just gonna have

a little talk in his tent.

I'll probably stay the
night, so don't wait up.

[beer gurgling]

[fire crackling]

[beer gurgling]

[jazzy music]

Is he gone, boy?

Narrator: Kevin told Allen that his mom

was next door seeing to her needs

and that they were gonna
have to sleep in the car.

f*ck that, Allen ain't
gonna sleep in no cold car.

Narrator: Kevin reminded
Allen that he was a goose

and that real geese lived
outside all year round

and didn't mind because they have feathers

to keep themselves warm.

Real geeses are assholes, broken head.

I'm gonna sleep in the fire.

I'll see you in the morning.

[peaceful music]

[horn honking]

Morning, slugger, how's
about giving Mommy a smoke?

I left mine back in that man's tent.

Narrator: Kevin gave his mom a smoke

and told her that the man
she'd spent the night banging

was named Orion.

Don't matter none, I mean, jeez,

it ain't like I'm gonna
marry him or nothing.

[whimsical music]

I'ma going hunting.

You two for all wanna come with?

Yeah, what the f*ck.

Narrator: Kevin figured he might

just as well tag along,
too, since he couldn't think

of anything better to do
and probably never would.

[cheerful music]

Anastasia: Oh, yes, oh, oh, yes.

[geese honking]

[laughing]

Oh, yes, baby, oh, boy--

Ain't you gonna do
nothing, broken head?

Narrator: Kevin told
Allen he didn't know

what he was talking about
and that his feet hurt

because he was standing on a sharp rock.

Well, then move over a little bit.

You just gonna let that malformed freak

make the moves on your old lady?

Think about it, Kevin, he don't smoke

and he don't got no workman's comp.

That means one less person
to steal cigarettes from

and less money for household booze.

You got to get rid of him so your old lady

stays with your fat drunk father.

Narrator: Kevin wasn't
sure, but because Allen

had been right about
the moving over thing,

he decided to give the bird
the benefit of the doubt

and get rid of Orion.

Hey, boy, smoke me.

[birds chirping]

Why don't you go on for doing something

not where's about me and your mama is?

[whimsical music]

Then leastwise make yourself some useful

and fetch me my lunch sack.

[scorpion hissing]
[dramatic fanfare]

[wildlife chittering]
[suspenseful music]

Them's demons, boy.

It's a good thing I
didn't catch all of them.

Now here's what you gotta do.

[whispers]

I don't mind letting you
have a go at me for nothing,

but I don't share my smokes, you got it?

Ah, my hand, my hand!

Ah, my hand, my hand, my hand!

[whimsical music]

What the f*ck took you
so long posting my bail?

I forgot you was arrested.

Hey, how's about a f*ck' drink?

Not right in front of the
police station, you moron.

Wait until you's driving.

[peaceful music]

Orion: Ah, my hand, my hand,
my hand, my hand, my hand!

What's the matter
with the old lady, Kevin?

Narrator: Kevin told
Allen that his mom was sad

because part of her had really liked

how the deformed inbred hillbilly
had made her feel inside

and she missed him a little bit.

Well, hell, I'll just put
some f*ck' stars up in the sky

so she can also be reminded of him.

Done and f*ck' done, broken head.

[cheerful banjo music]

I put the scorpion up there, too,

in case the c*cksucker
ever starts getting uppity.

[beeping]

[upbeat rock music]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ His head don't work, it never did ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ You better not cross his path ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ He's a chain-smoking
alcoholic sociopath ♪

♪ Sociopath ♪

Orion: He didn't hurt you none, did he?

Anastasia: Oh, no, we
used lubricant this time.

[upbeat rock music]