03x14 - Much Like Percy, Christmas Only Comes But Once a Year

[bunniefuu]

[upbeat music]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ His head don't work, it never did ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ You better not cross his path ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ He's a chain-smoking
alcoholic sociopath ♪

♪ Sociopath ♪

[Kevin laughing]

[dramatic music]

[siren wailing]

Bust it open now!

[battering ram booming]

[ominous music]

[r*fle actions clicking]

[fist thudding]
[ominous organ music]

[flame roaring]

[pandas roaring]

[geese honking]

[roosters squawking]

Good God, break up that c*ck

and bring them all downtown.

[dramatic music]
[roosters squawking]

[aerosol hissing]

[wheels squeaking]

Book him for impersonating
royalty, indecent exposure,



three counts of aggravated as*ault,

theft under $1,000, and vandalism.

[crowd chattering]

Yous hurting my wrist, you f*ck.

I didn't do nothing, ugh!

[dramatic music]

Stick them in separate
rooms for questioning.

Merry f*ck' Christmas.

I was self defending
myself against that Santa.

He's the one who should
have been arrested.

He's in the hospital with
a third grade concussion.

Does that mean he's only
as smart as a 12-year-old now?

What the hell are you talking
about, you filthy fat drunk?

Just that kids in grade
three are 12, least I was.

What, are you f*ck' stupid?

Just shut up and tell me
what the hell happened tonight.

Hey, don't I get a lawyer?

Mm, no, they changed
that law last week.

f*ck' t*rrorists, fine,
but just so's you know,

my old lady is a f*ck' liar,

so don't believe nothing she tells you,

and the boy's screwed in the head,

so don't pay him no attention, neither.

It started like a normal Saturday

with me and fatty getting up around two

and arguing over who was
gonna take the empties

on the beer run.

You go.

I went yesterday.

You f*ck' left to go,
but you never came back,

so's I had to go myself.

I ran into the guys,
we got talking shop.

Holiday season, family, all that sh*t.

Well, I ain't going.

I said it before and I'll say it again.

Why don't we just send the stupid boy?

'Cause he ain't smart
enough to do it right

and 'cause he ain't old
enough to buy booze.

Oh, so what, they let him drink

but they don't let him buy booze?

They don't let him drink, Percy, we do.

Why the f*ck are we
keeping the moron, anyway?

'Cause the court said we had to.

[dramatic fanfare]

You're lucky you got
the law on your side, boy,

and don't forget it.

Hey, wait a minute, I got an idea.

Listen, mor, I mean son.

You still got that fake mustache you used

when you faked k*lling
yourself and went in disguise?

[cheerful Christmas music]

Narrator: Kevin didn't much
care for the old man's plan,

but he went along with it anyway because,

Kevin couldn't figure out
why he went along with it,

but since he was already
halfway to the beer store,

he figured he might just as
well cash in the empties,

keep all the new booze for himself,

and find a park somewhere and get himself

nice and jimmied up for the holidays.

[ice crunches]

[man screaming]

[Kevin laughing]

[whimsical music]

I'm just saying
either he's dead or lost,

but he ain't coming back.

I knew we shouldn't have
trusted him with all our empties.

Well, we can't just
sit here not drinking.

f*ck it, I'm going to The Toe.

You's coming back for
Christmas dinner, ain't you?

[laughs] Yeah, that's
real high on my f*ck' list.

How come we never
have nice holiday dinners

like a real family?
[somber music]

My family used to do it when I
was growing up and I miss it.

We'd all sit around the
table telling stories,

me and Willie Aames and
Vincent Van Patten, and--

You're thinking of
that TV show family again.

What?
That was a TV show.

It weren't your real family.

Remember you never knew
who your real father was?

And your old lady mopped
floors at the titty bar.

Oh, yeah! [laughs]

What the f*ck was I thinking?

Ah, who cares.
f*ck you, Percy.

I wanna have a nice family
Christmas dinner this year.

[whimsical music]

Okay, so you got the beer
with your clever disguise.

Then what happened?

[somber music]

Narrator: Because Kevin
had grown up in a family

conditioned to exploiting
every possible angle

for personal gain, he sensed he had

the upper hand with
the cop, so he told him

he wasn't gonna say
another word unless he got

a carton of smokes and some food.

f*cking kids today.

[electronic dance music]

What the f*ck are you thinking, boy?

Ain't I told you to never
cooperate with the cops?

Narrator: Kevin told
Allen to relax and said

that because he was so drunk
and jimmied up on cough syrup

that he couldn't remember
anything that had happened anyway,

so he was pretty sure that no
matter what he told the cop,

it would all be a load of sh*t.

Well, howdy-h*!

Maybe there's hope for
you yet, broken head.

Jesus Christ, of all the heads to live in.

Well, get up, you're
f*ck' embarrassing me.

What do you mean, 15?

[crowd chattering]

I'll show you my t*ts
if you let me go, oh!

Ugh, just tell me what happened today.

They ain't implants if
that's what you's thinking.

Yeah, I pretty much
figured that out on my own.

Just tell me what happened today.

Well, I'd gotten up
around seven to clean

and decorate the house and
start getting everything ready

for a nice family Christmas dinner.

♪ Have a holly jolly Christmas ♪

♪ Just you wait and see, oh, my golly ♪

♪ Have a holly jolly Christmas this year ♪

♪ Have a holly jolly Christmas ♪

[electricity zinging]
[vacuum cleaner whirring]

What the f*ck are you doing
making all that noise, woman?

I'm whipping this house
into shape for the holidays.

There ain't gonna be any
holidays this year, woman.

I'm not enough of a provider
to give one to my family.

We have a beautiful
son, Percy, a beautiful son

who still believes in
things like Santa Claus,

and I'll be damned if I'll
let you or anyone else

take that away from him.

Childhood is a gift, Percy.

Are you so blind from the
drink that you can't see that?

There will be a Christmas this year.

Maybe I don't have enough money

to buy fancy gifts for
Kevin, but I got love, Percy,

a whole great big heart
full of love, and that,

that is the most precious gift of all.

f*ck that, I'm going to
the strip club to get drunk

because I don't respect the institutions

of marriage and parenthood.

[somber music]
[Anastasia sobbing]

Honest.

She's a f*ck' liar if
that's what she told you.

We don't even own a
vacuum, and even if we did,

don't none of us know how to work one.

It's all the boy's fault, anyway.

He f*cked off with the empties

and we had to go try and find him.

[whimsical music]

Okay, I'll go this way, you go that way.

Whoever finds him first secures
him so's he can't get away,

then you page the other, got it?

Yeah, yeah.

And remember, he's probably armed.

Let's just f*ck'
go already, I'm cold.

Didn't I tell you to
wear them winter boots?

f*ck that, boots make me look stupid.

[peaceful Christmas music]

[bell clangs]

Hmm, no, I haven't seen him.

He got a fake mustache on now.

I'll show you my honey
pot for a 40 of rye.

[bell dings]
[ominous music]

[dramatic fanfare]

[discordant Christmas music]

[goose squawking]

[goose shrieks]
[dramatic fanfare]

[cheerful Christmas music]
[goose squawking]

A Canada goose?

Yeah, that was the first one.

So there were more?

Hundreds of the things.

They been following me all f*ck' day.

Yeah, fine, you were
heroically saved by a goose.

Then what happened?

Well, it was like I was telling you.

I was running from Santa
Claus because he's crazy

and thought the money I
found was his, but it wasn't.

I was cold, and since I had
that not-stolen money I found,

I figured screw looking for the boy.

I'd just go to The Camel Toe

for some booze and holiday lap dancing.

That's when I got knocked out.

[snowball thuds]

So you threw the
snowball at your father

because he stole money from Santa Claus?

Narrator: Kevin told
the detective he was wrong

and that the only reason he hit his father

in the head with a snowball
was because seeing his father

getting hit in the head
with stuff was funny.

[suspenseful music]

He figured he might just
as well do it himself.

[suspenseful drum music]

[snowball thuds]
[Kevin laughs]

Kevin didn't bother telling the detective

that he also took the money
that his old man stole,

tied his shoelaces together,

and pulled his pants
down around his ankles,

because that was his
second favorite thing to do

next to seeing the fat b*stard
getting hit in the head.

[groovy disco music]

[Kevin honking]

[geese honking]

I never should've
taught you how to do that.

But what you gonna do with
all that money, Kevin?

Well, how's about we get
us a head full of beer

and go have us some fun?

Narrator: Kevin told
Allen he'd been drinking beer

all morning and he didn't
feel like having any more,

so he asked if it would be all right

if they switched to vodka.

The bird don't care,
just drink something!

[geese squawking]

Ah, get off of me birds! [shouts]

Shoo, get out of here, shoo.

Thanks, pal, them
f*ck' things is crazy.

I just didn't want the
geese to spoil my fun,

h* h* h* h* h* h*!
[ominous music]

[Santa thuds]

[whimsical music]

That's why I weren't
had no f*ck' pants on

when you found me, not
because I was doing nothin'

like them other times I got arrested

for not having no f*ck' pants on.

Okay, let's just say I
buy the no-pants excuse.

That still doesn't explain
the break and enter,

the smuggled panda
bears, the c*ck,

your wife trying to break into a safe,

the stolen organ, the aggravated as*ault,

contributing to the
delinquency of a minor,

aiding and abetting underage
drinking, and resisting arrest.

That was all the old
lady and boy's doing.

I didn't know nothing about that stuff.

Hey, wait a minute, I ain't
had my one phone call.

I ain't saying nothing more
until I get my one phone call.

[dramatic action music]

[phone ringing]
Make it quick, Spencer.

as*h*le cop.

I don't give a a tinker's
cuss if it is Christmas.

Stupid damn holiday, anyway,
what with the reindeer

and that fat guy always looking at me.

If you ask me, he's a pervert.

I was away from home

doing some court-ordered community service

when someone broke into my
house and stole my safe.

I want it back.

My tax dollars pay your
salary, so find my safe.

Get me a cup of tea.

It's colder than a witch's tit in here,

you good-for-nothing lackey.

[Anastasia gulping]

Geez, real cream, is
you trying to seduce me?

[whimsical music]

Well then, how's about tossin' one into me

just to k*ll time then?

I got an itch.

Just tell me what happened.

[dramatic music]

Nobody's gonna take the
cigarettes away from you, Kevin.

Slow down.

Narrator: Kevin had never had

a whole carton of smokes
to himself before,

and he'd kind of gone overboard.

Kevin thought that maybe
the detective was right.

Then he got to thinking
that just because no one

was going to take his smokes away,

there wasn't any reason why
he shouldn't try and set

a new personal best smoking record,

so he lit another one before
he continued with his story.

Why don't we just go back home

and drink in your room like normal?

Narrator: Kevin told Allen
that he'd stiffed his old man

and old lady out of the empty money

and that he couldn't go back
home until the heat died down.

Speaking of heat, yous and me

is gonna have to find us some soon,

or, or we're gonna freeze to death.

[soaring Christmas music]

Hey, wait up, mister,
my name's Anastasia.

Beh.

Look, I know we just met
and all, but I was wondering

if you got someplace
warm we could maybe go.

I'm homeless, for God's sake.

Get the hell outta my way,

and don't even think about
trying to snatch my purse,

or you'll get it worse than Audie Murphy

the night he tried to
feel me up at the Emmys.

What a miserable old woman.

I know where she lives if
you wanna get back at her.

Her place is warm, too, and
I bet it's got lots of beds,

if you get my drift.

I may be dirt poor,
filthy, and homeless,

but even I got standards.

How's about we just play it by ear?

Come on.
[cheerful music]

Sit down and shut up, you noisy brats.

"'Twas the night before Christmas
and all through the house,

"not a creature was
stirring, not even a mouse."

Well, I should hope not.

What the hell kind of
people live with mice?

I'll tell you who, communists,

h*m* hippies, and Mexicans.

Gimme back my book or I swear
to God, I'll k*ll everyone.

When's my nap time?

[fingers snap]
[discordant music]

Get your hands off me!

Story time's over, kids.
[peaceful music]

It's nap time now, and
remember, nobody saw anything.

[upbeat electronic music]

Narrator: Kevin told the librarian

that he's seen everything,
and unless he gave him $40,

he was going to report him to the police

for assaulting the crazy old woman.

Why don't we talk about your feelings

away from the other children, young man?

[whimsical music]

We have to be careful not to frighten

some of the younger kids.

Right through here, Spencer.

[ominous music]

Now listen and listen good,
you little c*cksucker.

The library is a place for learning,

and one of the first
things you need to learn

is that we don't take crap

from worthless little piss ants like you.

So here's what you're gonna do.

You're going to get your
things and walk on outta here

like nothing ever happened,
and if I so much as hear

a whisper of you opening
your mouth about any of this,

I or a designated representative

from the National
Association of Librarians

will hunt you down and destroy you.

Now get the f*ck out of here!

God, I hate kids.

Well, that sucked.

I told you libraries were stupid
places for kids, didn't I?

Now let's just go crawl in the dumpster

and get loaded like sensible people.

Hey, ain't them your daddy's pants?

Narrator: Kevin stopped
and asked Santa Claus

what he was doing with
the old man's pants.

Your old man ripped me off.

I'm looking to even the score.

Narrator: Kevin told Santa Claus

that since it was the holiday season,

he'd rat out the old man
for $40 when he saw him.

You're a hell of a kid, h* h* h*.

Listen, here's the address
of the storage place

where the company keeps all
of the Santa Claus suits

and Christmas sh*t.

You get your old man
there and give me a call.

You'll get $40, h*, h*, h*, h*, h*!

[upbeat electronic music]

Well, let's get in that dumpster.

How many times I gotta tell you?

[dramatic music]

Hey, boy!
[dramatic fanfare]

Where's the f*ck' money at?

Narrator: Kevin figured he might better

come up with a lie real
quick so's the old man

wouldn't pop him a real sweet one.

So he told him that he'd
already given all the money

from the empties to his mom.

Son of a b*tch.

Whoever found you first was
supposed to page the other one.

Narrator: Then Kevin got to thinking

that maybe this was an opportunity to get

what he wanted for Christmas
more than anything else,

so he told the old man he had a plan.

I'll see you soon, Percy.

Make sure that little
f*ck don't get away.

That's everything, let's go.

[whimsical music]

Hang on, you said if I helped you

steal all this stuff, you'd put out.

Mama wants her treats.

[kisses smacking]

Ew, let's get out of here.

f*ck' tease.
[suspenseful music]

[fist thuds]

[whimsical music]

She's on her way.

I'm gonna go find a crapper while we wait.

Why don't you wander around,

see if there's anything worth taking here?

[suspenseful music]

[mysterious music]

[dramatic music]
[pandas roaring]

[Kevin honking]

Narrator: Kevin commanded
the geese to stick around

and make sure none of the bears got uppity

while he was waiting for
Santa and the old lady.

[safe thuds]

Hey, what's with all the bears, boy?

[geese honking]
[whimsical music]

Where's Percy?

[soaring romantic music]

Hey, what's the hurry, Santa
Claus, where you going?

There's a fat man with
no pants in the washroom

that I'm going to beat
up, h*, h*, h*, h*, h*!

That must be my Percy.

You want a piece of him, you
gotta take a piece of me first.

Narrator: Normally Santa
wouldn't have sex with someone

as fat and unwashed as Kevin's mom,

but he figured it would help
get back at the old man,

so he closed his eyes and
decided to go through with it.

Hey, boy, go find something to do

while Santa stuffs Mommy's stocking.

[Kevin laughing]

[panda roaring]
[whimsical music]

[Percy burps]
[Anastasia giggling]

Anastasia: Oh, yes, oh!

Oh, I'll show you, fatty.
Oh, oh, yes.

h*, h*, h*, h*, I just had sex

with your wife, oh, h*, h*, h*, h*.

Saves me having to do it, as*h*le.

h*, h*, h*, give me my money back.

f*ck you.
[ominous music]

[geese honking]

[dramatic fanfare]
[fists thudding]

[country Christmas music]

[roosters screeching]

[fist thudding]

[pandas roaring]

[geese squawking]

[flame roaring]

[roosters screeching]

[discordant organ note droning]

[pandas roaring]

[roosters screeching]

[fist thudding]

[geese honking]
[pandas roaring]

Bullshit.

Ah, bullshit.

Bullshit.

Narrator: Because the police thought

they were all full of sh*t
and because they were drunk,

Kevin and his parents were
thrown into the holding cell.

Mom and Dad were angry, but Kevin wasn't,

because he'd gotten what he
really wanted for Christmas.

[beep]

[upbeat music]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ His head don't work, it never did ♪

[beep]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ You better not cross his path ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ He's a chain-smoking
alcoholic sociopath ♪

♪ Sociopath ♪

Bum: I may be dirt
poor, filthy, and homeless,

but even I got standards.

[cheerful music]