03x17 - Blackout

[bunniefuu]

[rock music]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ His head don't work ♪

♪ It never did ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ You better not cross his path ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ He's a chain smokin' alcoholic ♪

♪ Sociopath ♪

♪ Sociopath ♪

[laughs]

Narrator: Kevin was
putting the finishing touches

on a bottle of rye

and doing some chain smoking

while watching the bulldozing

of his favorite childhood park.

Soon, the years fell away

as easily as the flimsy gym equipment,

as he reminisced about all
the behavioral advances

he had made while there.

The play structure where he built

his very first fire.

[equipment clattering]

The carousel where he
used to make himself dizzy

when he was still too young to get booze.

And the community pool.

[pleasant music]

Come on, boy, let's
you and me go swimming.

Lots of single moms there
looking for a new daddy.

[chuckles]

Maybe old Percy here will get himself

a sun baked hottie.

Oh no, not them.

Hold up this towel so that your old man

can change into a swimsuit
without violating his parole.

[plucky music]

All right, time to party.

Or as I like to call it, bath time.

[pleasant music]

Oh yeah.

[soft funky music]

[gentle piano music]

Narrator: Kevin remembered
being seven years old

and riding the swing
as high as it would go.

Fly, boy, fly.

[gentle music]

I wonder if I could kick you that high.

Come here, boy, come here.

[gentle music]

[soft rap music]

Hey, you're blocking our plow.

Get out of the way!

We're here to save the park.

All you granola eatin' peaceniks

can kiss my a*s.

We ain't peaceniks, we're drug dealers.

We work this park and we ain't paying



[grumbling]
[intense music]

Narrator: Fortunately for Kevin,

he was still too buzzed to notice

the sprains and hairline
fractures he'd given himself.

[soft funky music]

I ain't no clay pigeon broken head.

[soft funky music]

[electricity crackles]

[cat screeching]

Narrator: Percy had been
through blackouts before,

but usually they were just his own.

Jeez, it's too dark.

What the Christ is going on?

I think it's a blackout.

Blackout my a*s.

Them friggin immigrants.

They're finally coming for me

after all that stuff I said
about them on the radio.

And the topic of today's phone-in is

episode eight of refinishing your patio.

What's the best shade of brown?

Some have suggested
perhaps a strange topic

for a radio show,

but certainly not our first caller.

We're going to Percy on line one.

Percy: Yeah, I'm phoning to complain

about all the f*cking immigrants.

We appreciate your opinion, sir,

but that's not the topic
of our radio show today.

Radio show?

Must have dialed the wrong number.

I was phoning someone else.

You know, Chad, he
could hire immigrants

to stain his patio.

Is that what you were
trying to say, Percy?

What?

No.

Well, what's the deal
with all these people

coming to take our jobs?

If I had a job, maybe I could work

half-assed a few months

and then be able to get unemployment

instead of lousy frigging welfare.

And another thing.

I'm on the f*cking phone.

Anastasia: I gotta call my mother

with the lottery numbers.

Percy: The old b*tch can
tie a knot in it a few minutes.

Anastasia: You can't
talk to me that way.

Percy: Great, is that how you want

the neighbors to hear you?

Anastasia: Why did I even marry you?

Percy: 'Cause I knocked you up.

Now go ahead and cry, you big idiot.

Sorry, what were we talking about?

Staining your patio, Percy.

What?

Wouldn't catch me doing that.

Why not?

Welfare pays better, you dumb a*s.

sh*t work's for immigrants.

Listen, you want to tell
me why the f*ck you called?

You called us.

Yeah, well I'm trying to drink, so,

oh, you want the phone that bad?

Here, I'll just pull the g*dd*mn thing

out of the wall so that it'll reach.

Well, we're out of time.

Narrator: Kevin
noticed that the community

would sure pull together

whenever there was a crisis.

Kevin felt good too,

because he'd frigged everyone over

right sweet with this wrangle.

I'm sure we'll be told what to do.

Don't panic, folks.

Don't panic, anybody.

The authorities will tell you what to do.

Do not assemble publicly

or talk to each other
to exchange information.

Don't panic, folks.

Don't panic.

You know anyone with
a TV still working?

We can find out what's happening.

Go fire up the generator
in the boathouse, son.

We'll see what the
cable news channel says.

Fine, just give me orders.

That's great, captain.

[somber music]

Put it on the porno channel.

They get all the latest news.

Found out that when Larry Flint dies,

he'd arranged to freeze his head.

Bet you can't guess which one.

We don't have the porno
channel in this house.

I guess just those videotapes

you keep in the toolbox
in the boat house, eh?

Actually, they got
all the porno channels.

They think I don't know
the channel lockout code.

Idiots.

Some unavoidable
blackouts have occurred,

but only in poorer neighborhoods,

and those known for marginal
political influence.

Power will be restored shortly

without inconvenience to
anyone of consequence.

You see, Percy?

Everything's gonna be just fine.

It ain't no big disaster after all.

In other news, a law was passed today

requiring mandatory drug testing

for welfare check recipients.

[intense music]

Jeez, Percy.

If they start drug
testing for our welfare,

we're gonna have to find some place

to buy clean urine.

I knew this was gonna
happen, but don't worry.

I got some connections in the joint.

You and your connections.

Lotta good that'll do ya.

Well, Mr. Spencer,
according to these urine tests,

you're a 100% drug free
Labrador Retriever.

f*cking right.

Now I'm not on probation no more.

Think again, dumb a*s.

Think what again?

Narrator: The next day,

there was still no power
in the neighborhood,

and people were starting
to get pissed off.

Maybe these pickled pig peckers

will last longer out here in the cold.

Hey, where the hell you two going?

Me and the boy are gonna try and find

a connection for clean urine samples.

Then we can get our welfare checks.

Why don't you figure out
a way to get the heat on?

I nearly froze my a*s shut last night.

Surprised you got off
it long enough to notice.

Besides, if we cash the checks,

I can score us a fancy
generator like them Bentons.

Narrator: Percy would soon discover

that finding a clean urine
sample on the outside

wasn't as easy as buying one in the joint.

Welcome to the Crap-A-Torium.

We provide only the finest
quality portable toilets

for your major events.

Will you require something stylish?

Or maybe you'll need
the rubber to the road

reliability of our biker
beer tent flushables.

Remember, we handled all
the three tenors concerts.

How about this beauty?

What better way to honor
our First Nation friends

than with this totem pole toilet?

Reminds me of some jerk I beat up

in a cigar store once.

f*ck had a whole fistful of Havanas

and he wouldn't even share none.

Sir, perhaps we should--

Tough son of a b*tch
though, I'll give him that.

Wouldn't go down no matter
how many times I smacked him.

How about our peri potty?

It's a portable toilet with a periscope.

Now you'll never miss a concert.

We don't want a toilet.

I'm just wondering what you do

with the sewage when you're finished.

We discharge it in a
completely legal fashion.

Why, are you with the Board
of Health or something?

That lawsuit was settled.

And besides, we had no way of knowing

they were going to use that
land for a play structure.

I don't care where you dump it,

just wondering if you'd like

to make a few bucks on the side.

Narrator: Percy whispered to the man

about how he wanted to use the go-hut.

Get a clean urine sample?

You uncivilized barbarian!

Fine then, prick.

Come on boy, I don't think,

holy f*ck I think he's using
one of your port-o-cans.

Stupid idiot.

You don't use the ones in the
showroom, you f*ck' ret*rd.

I wasn't sleeping, no!

Sorry Percy, I got
out of the urine trade.

It was too competitive.

Now there's people offering
celebrity urine over the net.

I can't stay innovative
enough for the marketplace.

How's the Messiah these days?

He can't help me, freak.

[footsteps tapping]

You know drinking all alone in the dark

is f*ck' depressing after a few nights.

Well so is eating and
just about everything else.

Yeah, 'cept screwing.

At least now I don't have to look at ya.

When are you gonna do
something about it all

and get us a generator?

I can't afford all of these lighters.

Oh for Christ sakes, I'm out there

trying to keep us on welfare, woman.

It's a full time job getting
the thieving little brat

to do something useful for a change.

[gentle piano music]

Ah, Kevin, baby.

Can you go steal your
mama a nice generator?

[gentle piano music]

What'd the little freak say?

He asked if we'd tape
a show while he was gone.

The little rugrat's really
starting to lose it.

Ooh it's cold in here.

Will you get some g*dd*mn heat in here

before my freakin' n*pples
take someone's eye out?

Don't worry, I'm
gonna make us a nice fire

out of these old beer cases.

Crack a window and get
some ventilation in here.

[funky music]

And just where the hell
do you think you're going?

[intense music]

Move along, kid.

Narrator: Kevin decided
he had two choices.

Go find another generator,

or wait until the carbon monoxide fumes

in the claustrophobic boathouse
knocked the old b*stard out.

[funky music]

Kevin was really excited

about the idea of hot-wiring the crane,

because one of the benefits
of having no feelings

means a reckless disregard
for personal safety.

[funky music]

Meh, I can't wait to try
out these fancy new go-huts.

What the, somebody's up in the crane, ah!

[ominous music]

Narrator: Kevin figured
that using the crane,

he could move the generator to his house

the same way you reach for
a prize at a claw machine.

[ominous music]

[screaming]

[somber music]

I think the fire's out.

Just a few more minutes.

Percy, look what our boy got us!

Guess the kid's good
for something after all.

But now ya went and dented
the house, ya useless tool.

[ominous music]

f*ck' kid's trying to k*ll me!

Well you could've been more supportive.

[intense music]

Oh god help me!

Don't worry, baby.

Mommy's proud of you.

Now go hook that generator up so's we's

don't have to freeze
like these other idiots.

Maybe we can get the TV
going for that new show.

[pleasant music]

Narrator: Percy decided
to call it a day at the bar.

He was pretty mad, because
besides having a rotten kid

and shitty relationship,

it didn't look like he was
going to get a clean sample

and he was going to lose his welfare.

[chuckles]

Sounds pretty tough, Percy.

Wish I could help ya.

You must be pretty pissed off.

I'm used to dealing with piss
tanks and piss faces, but--

That supposed to be funny, prick?

No, no, hey I don't want any trouble.

Don't go gettin' all pissy.

That tears it.

Hey Kevin, I couldn't help

overhearing your old man's problem.

I know some guys who are shipping in

tanker trucks of clean urine from Mexico.

Come to the pawn shop
tomorrow, we'll talk.

The scam's been going for a while.

It's known to the Quebec
Underground as the yellow railroad.

[eerie music]

So Percy, I hear you been
lookin' for a connection.

I got someone on the phone
you might wanna talk to.

Thank Christ.

Thought I'd have to beat
the piss outta someone.

Adieu Senor Spencer, we
provide a way for citizens

to defend their rights not to be exploited

by government and corporations.

And we only cater to the best.

Most of our clients are
military or Olympic athletes.

Where do you get the stuff?

Let's just say we use
only 100% child labor.

I'll arrange to have Pedro and Jean Claude

make a delivery next time
they're in your neighborhood.

What do you think you're doing?

Get back to work!

Narrator: The power had been out

in Kevin's neighborhood for almost a week,

and the city still wasn't doing anything.

People started degenerating

into primal isolationist paranoias,

and the mob attitude ran rampant.

[crowd shouting]

Yeah my hydroponic tomatoes are dying.

If I don't get my lights working,

I'll have 30,000 bucks worth of

hydroponic tomatoes
rotting in my basement.

You can all kiss my a*s, you suckers.

[glass tinkles]

They're all jealous 'cause we got power.

Why the hell ain't they
buggin' them Benson arseholes?

'Cause they can afford

fancy private cops to
guard their property.

sh*t if the boy could
stop killin' all his pets,

we could sic one of them on 'em.

[ominous music]

That's it, they're fire bombing us.

Everyone into the attic.

[dramatic music]

Die, die, die!

[dramatic music]

Take in that, Pedro.

The house is a terrifying inferno!

Perhaps we should save
the day by using the hose

to extinguish the flames with the pee-pee.

We're supposed to sell this stuff.

Hey, you're right.

Let's go.

[jaunty music]

Hey, I don't think I
ever been up here before.

Yeah look at all the old
sh*t people left up here.

You know, I think this outfit
would look great on Kevin.

Yeah little fruit would
look like a sailor boy.

Hey boy, can you do a sailor
dance for your old man?

Come on, here I'll show ya.

[country music]

Gosh Percy, maybe it's just 'cause

we been through tough times together,

but I suddenly feel all romantic
like it's our first date.

Like I'm a giddy little schoolgirl again.

Yeah, reform school baby.

[yawns]

Narrator: Actually his mom
was feeling the toxic fumes

from burning paint and upholstery.

Kevin knew that if he didn't do something

right quick, his parents would die.

[flames crackling]

Then he realized that if he
didn't do something right quick,

all his fake IDs and forgery equipment

would get burned too, and
he'd have to replace them.

[intense music]

[electricity crackles]

[intense music]

[crowd cheering]

[intense music]

[crowd screaming]

Kevin had saved the house,
which made him feel powerful,

and he'd saved his parents,

about which he was relatively ambivalent.

[spluttering]

Oh god.

[coughing]

Sweet Jesus, we're alive.

Kiss me, ma.

Ooh gross, don't come near me you pig.

Besides, it's not like you did nothin'.

The boy did all the work.

Big deal, we still got the
problem with the welfare check.

We don't get some drug free urine soon,

someone's gonna have to find work.

[twangy music]

The boy says he has
an idea for that, too.

Narrator: Kevin told
his dad that he knew

where he could connect,

and that he'd only charge
the old man 30 bucks.

What, stiffin' the
old man on the deal eh?

I'm proud of ya, boy.

Now where the hell are you
gettin' this stuff anyways?

Narrator: Kevin told the
old man there's no way in hell

he was gonna find out his stash.

You learn well, boy.

You learn well.

[plucky music]

Well Mr. Spencer,
except for the chlorine,

you have the urine of a
drug free seven year old.

f*ck' right, I'm back on welfare.

Let's you and me do some celebrating, boy.

Just don't tell Fatty about this,

or she'll try and screw
us outta the dough.

Narrator: Now that Kevin's old man

had a steady income again,

he decided to spend some time

enjoying the finer things
in life with his son.

Mostly because he needed
a designated driver.

[upbeat music]

[plucky music]

Assholes.

You thinkin' of doin' what
I'm thinkin' of doin' boy?

Lead on, grasshopper.

[upbeat music]

Is that really what you
was thinkin' broken head?

I can't believe I went along with that.

What the f*ck goes on in your head anyway,

you crazy g*dd*mn simpleton?

Narrator: Kevin told the old man

that what went on in his head
was mostly a dark, murky abyss

full of menacing shadows

and the harrowing screams
of tortured souls,

and that the loudest scream
of all was a little boy scream

as he fell further and further away

from the comforting light of sanity.

Geez, when I was your age

I was mostly thinkin' about f*ck'.

Takes all kinds I guess, eh sport?

Sorry boy, I forgot about that hair thing.

Narrator: Because
Kevin knew his old man

was really stupid, and
probably had forgotten,

he decided to cut him some slack

and put away his homemade shiv.

Anyway like I was
saying, I was just thinkin'

about gettin' back at Marty
by putting on disguises.

No more f*ck' dresses.

See we put on disguises
and go back in there,

and you and me run up a huge bar tab.

Then we skip out and stiff
the b*stard on the bill.

[door creaks]

I'll do all the talkin'.

Good evening, barkeep.

My name is Michael Smith,

and this is my business
associate, John John McFuckpants.

May we please have some alcoholic drinks?

Get the hell outta here, Spencer.

I don't know what you're talking about

because I am mentally Ret*rded.

Please may I have a jug of draft?

I swear to god, Percy.

I'll have my bouncer kick
what teeth you got left

clean out of your head if
you don't get out right now!

Who is this Percy person
you speak of, my good man?

Please innkeeper, a glass of your best

for a parched traveler.

[ominous music]

Word of advice for
ya, do yourself a favor

and steer clear of that Percy Spencer guy.

He's bad news.

So, Mr. McFuckpants,
what can I get for ya?

[goofy music]

[rock music]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ His head don't work it never did ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ You better not cross his path ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ He's a chain smoking
alcoholic sociopath ♪

♪ Sociopath ♪

Man: All you granola eatin'
peaceniks can kiss my a*s!

[rock music]