03x19 - Web54U

[bunniefuu]

[energetic rock music]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ His head don't work, it never did ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ You better not cross his path ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ He's a chain smokin'
alcoholic sociopath ♪

♪ Sociopath ♪

[laughing]

[slow playful music]

Hey hurry the Christ up, Percy.

I'm still thinking.

Well, what letters you got?

I got D, U, M,

B, E, S, T.

f*cked if I know.

[both laughing]

Hey while youse up, go
get Daddy four more beers.

And Mommy needs a half and half.

Rye and ginger.

[somber music]

[both whispering]

[both laughing]

Hey no shaking 'em, f*ck.

It's your turn, c*ck.

[both laughing]

Narrator: Kevin wasn't too happy

about being called a c*ck.

Least wise, that's what he
figured the letters spelled.

Mostly because he couldn't read.

What's the matter, Kevin, you stuck?

Narrator: Kevin told his parents

that the only thing he was stuck in

was a deep and endless black
pool of rage and despair,

and it was all he could do to cling

to the last vestiges of reality.

[both laughing]

You've been watching too much TV, boy.

It's starting to affect,

hey where's my f*ck' half and half?

Gimme a beer to hold me
over 'til the boy gets back.

Blow me.

I will if youse gimme the beer.

Nah, get your own beer.

Narrator: Kevin had just about had it

with Fatty and the old man
always bossing him around,

and so he told 'em it was
high time they got off

their fat unemployed welfare asses

and got their own drinks.

Then he told them he was going to

hang around the warehouses
down by the waterfront,

and get jimmied up on cough syrup.

Show some f*ck' respect
for your fat mother, boy.

She ordered a half and half, so hop to it.

Narrator: Kevin told the old man

that he was never going to hop again,

unless it was with joy
and on top of his grave.

Pf, yeah like I'm ever gonna die.

You can't take down the Percinator!

Rye and ginger, f*ck!

[low key music]

You walk out that door boy, and it's over.

You leave, you ain't
no part of this family

no more, you got that?

[low key music]

[eerie music]

[both laughing]

Narrator: Even though he'd
spent many hours in the past

sitting alone at the docks getting loaded

and thinking about the futility of life

and girls rollerskating
in shorts and tank tops,

this time Kevin was kind of nervous.

In the past, Kevin always had
the security of the safety net

that a stable home and parents provided,

but since he'd blown that sweet gig

by telling Fatty and the
Percinator to f*ck off,

he was pretty much on
his own from here on in.

[somber music]

[ominous music]

[rat squeaking]

[ominous music]

[tires squealing]

Hey, that spot's
for handicapped people!

Tell you what, arsehole,

I'll ask around inside and see if

I can find anyone who gives a f*ck.

[laughs]

[intense music]

Ah my f*ck' spine!

[panting]

Who's laughing now,
as*h*le, huh funny guy?

Who's laughing now?

You are.

[emotional music]

Yeah, well that's right,
me and don't you forget it!

[emotional music]

What is it?

You got any smokes?

God, no!

Then f*ck off!

No!

The fat drunk man is dead!

[dramatic music]

Narrator: It had been almost 14 hours

since the men had thrown
Kevin into the holding cell,

and Kevin figured the coast was clear,

so he decided to have a smoke.

[eerie music]

Kevin wasn't sure what was going on,

but just in case any of the other kids

were trying to horn in on his action,

he told 'em he wasn't sharing his smokes,

and just in case that wasn't
enough to keep them away,

he also told them he had the Ebola virus

and a contagious tapeworm.

Then he told 'em he was
a homicidal cannibal.

Then he burned his finger

because he let the
lighter heat up too long.

[plucky music]

Relax, kid.

My name's Carl, who are you?

Narrator: Kevin told Carl that it was

none of his business, and that if he knew

what was good for him,

he'd give back the lighter and f*ck off

so Kevin could get some sleep.

How can you even think about
sleeping at a time like this?

We've been kidnapped, all of us.

I don't know why, but I'll tell you this.

I intend to find out.

Make no mistake about it, I will find out.

Narrator: Kevin told Carl that talking

like a bad action movie hero
made him sound like a moron.

Especially since it was only
a cheap and shallow attempt

to mask his fear, which was obvious

to anyone with half a brain.

Oh, and I suppose
you've got a better idea?

Well, let's hear it smart guy.

Come on kid, what's your big...

Narrator: Kevin figured that oughta

straighten things out.

Then because he couldn't
think of anything else to do,

he cleaned out Carl's pockets.

Kevin only found two dollars and some gum,

which made him hate Carl even more.

Then he forgot where he was
and what he was thinking about,

and since he didn't much care anyway,

he rolled over and went back to sleep.

[somber music]

I know this is difficult ma'am,

but we need you to make a
positive identification.

There's no delicate way to put this,

but the John Doe in question, the body--

Look bonehead, this ain't
the first body I ever IDed,

and I got a cab with the
f*ck' meter running out front.

So you wanna step it up some?

Uh, just let me know when you're ready

and I'll pull back the curtain.

Go, f*ck!

[horror music]

[laughs]

Come here you fat, drunk b*stard!

What the, hey close the
curtains you f*ck' pervert!

He's alive?

Ah geez, not again.

Lemme guess, youse
checked for brain activity

and didn't find none?

Nah, usually we just
poke them a little bit

with a broom handle, or sneak up on them

and scream their name really loud.

Your husband never even flinched.

Ah, he got used to
playing dead last time he was

in the joint, so his cellmate
wouldn't cornhole him.

Heya is it okay if I smoke in here?

Uh no.

I tell you what, we's both'll play dumb

if anybody asks.

[plucky music]

Jesus Christ, where am I?

City Morgue, they told me you was dead.

So's I had to come down
and identify your body.

Well then who the f*ck's this guy?

Some guy named Tom
or Frank or something.

He's my date.

You brought a date to identify my body?

Am I supposed to spend
the rest of my life alone?

We'll talk about this later.

You, date's over, f*ck off.

That's up to the lady.

You're willing to fight for her honor?

Let's go Percy.

If he's that f*ck' stupid,
I'm better off with you.

Ain't I always told you that, Fatty?

Anastasia: Don't you call me Fatty.

Percy: I'll call you
whatever the f*ck I like.

I swear to Christ, Percy,

one more time and I'll f*ck' drop ya.

Percy: Why don't you try dropping

a few pounds instead, say around 100?

[Percy groaning]

[somber music]

Percy, hey Percy, Percy.

Come on get up, I got smokes.

Oh my god, my fat drunk husband is dead!

Because he fell down on his own!

[ominous music]

Ah, there's one missing.

He's pretending to be dead.

Sounds like an old cellmate of mine,

like I would've wanted to have sex

with him even if I was g*y.

Fat guy with a drinking problem,

hadn't had a bath in weeks.

I don't think he could read either.

Wake him up.

[intense music]

[pummeling, crashing]

Well?

He told me to leave him
alone and let him sleep.

I told him that wasn't an option.

Then he told me to f*ck
off or he'd tell the goose

to let the ax money loose.

Then he started hitting me.

You let a kid do that to you?

He don't seem much like the other kids.

I should never have
rescued you from Menudo.

Get the rest of these pathetic
street urchins inside,

shower them, shave their
heads, de-lice them,

and get them in uniform.

I'll deal with the little miscreants

inside with the dumb goose and monkey.

[ominous music]

My friend tells me you're
a feisty little scamp.

Narrator: Kevin told
the man that he didn't know

what the word feisty meant.

Then he told him that if he
was friends with the last guy

who came in, that he must
be a bit of an as*h*le too,

because the last guy was a
king holy sack of useless sh*t

and was damn luck to get out
of the truck with his life.

You know you're
right, he is an as*h*le.

I think I'm going to like you.

What I just said is usually taken

as an invitation to state your name?

Narrator: Kevin didn't
much like talking to the man,

but he figured the sooner
he told him his name,

the sooner he would
leave him the f*ck alone.

Kevin also thought there was no reason

why he shouldn't have a
little fun at the same time,

so he told the man his
name was Kelvin Spencer.

Mostly because he wasn't real clever.

Nice to meet you Kelvin.

Now, let's go inside, shave your head,

and give you a nice warm lice bath.

Narrator: Since Kevin was
bored sitting in the truck,

he figured he'd go with the man

and see if there was
anything worth stealing.

But just so the man didn't
get any strange ideas,

and start thinking Kevin liked him any,

Kevin popped him a sweet
one in the back of the neck.

What the!

Oh, you're a real firecracker
all right, Kelvin.

A real firecracker.

[upbeat music]

Okay, listen up fellas.

I got bingo tonight, so's we
gotta step things up a little.

From now on, it's just
three-ways so buddy up.

All right then, guy in the blue shirt

and you in the brown shoes.

Let's have at it.

[door opening]
[intense music]

What the f*ck's goin' on?

Ah, sh*t.

Geez, Percy.

Youse alive.

Hey, back of the line loser!

The name's Percinator, and the line

starts and ends right here, c*cksucker.

And just in case you think I'm lying.

[intense music]

And another thing, where's
the f*ck' remote?

Ah beats me, I'm gonna go
start getting loaded for bingo.

Bring me a six pack.

[can hisses]

The TV ain't on.

Can't find the remote.

f*ck, I thought you was dead.

Can't keep the Percinator
down, you know that.

[ominous music]

Good day, boys.

Let me begin by saying
you all look much better

with the filth of the
street washed off you.

Now I presume you're all
curious as to why we have

removed you from your various corners

and cardboard boxes and dragged you

halfway around the world?

It's simple!

Pop music.

For those lucky few of you who graduate,

the world will be your oyster.

The marketplace is crowded,

but there is always room

for one more collective of
teenage male stereotypes

to exploit the emotions of teenage girls.

[eerie music]

Five of you lucky boys
will make the final cut.

The rest of you, well you didn't

have much to live for
anyways okay, sera sera.

Wake up call's at five a.m. sharp.

Lateness isn't an option.

You'll get your
assignments in the morning.

Now hit the sheets, and no g*y stuff.

You're sexy guys now.

[boys murmuring]
[somber music]

[insects chirping]

Narrator: Like most kids his age,

Kevin wondered what hideous pit of hell

was responsible for spawning
all the putrid boy bands

that were currently crowding the airwaves.

Now that he knew, more than
anything else in the world,

Kevin wanted to set fire to the place

and destroy everyone and spare the world,

but the more he thought about it,

the more he realized that not destroying

all the potential boy band members

better suited his worldview.

Because in the long run,
a new boy band meant

that many more people would suffer.

As Kevin fell asleep,
he decided he would do

everything in his power to make sure

he was one of the members of the band,

so he could be a firsthand participant

in the misery they caused.

In the meantime, he figured
he'd cause some misery

by taking a rap out of the kid

in the next bunk with his shoe.

[plucky music]

Man: Up and at 'em, boys!

Welcome to your first day of hell.

Get your assignments on
your way out the door

and let's have some fun.

♪ Gonna be your man ♪

♪ Get up in your face ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Gonna be your man ♪

♪ I'm gonna rock my band ♪

You and you, too fat.

Get out.

Close, but you forgot the L.

You, you print like a girl, out.

[upbeat music]

Well guys, let me first
say you're all winners.

Well that's not true either,

because two of you are getting the boot.

The other five of you are on your way

to stardom and a life of luxury!

Anyway, without further ado,

the winners for each category
are Jason as the hunk.

Vince as the boy next door,

Jerry as the smart one,

Donny, you're going to be
the sense of humor guy.

And finally, the last
position, the angry loner

with a sensitive side goes to Kelvin.

That's all, first show's tomorrow
to kick off the mall tour.

Couple of videos to sh**t, and we gotta

grease the palms of the
music and radio stations.

So get on the plane and
let's make some money!

I mean art.

No wait, I do mean money.

Oh and you other two will
be taken away and k*lled.

Now come on fellas, we
got a plane to catch!

Pay the arsehole.

I ain't got no money.

Then tell him to f*ck
off or run, I don't care.

Ah, f*ck off.

Hey, his name's Percy Spencer.

[doors creak]

What the f*ck's goin' on?

Beats me.

Let's just get our
stuff and get outta here.

[crowd cheering]

Hey kids, I'm Marty.

And I'm the Lone Wolf
from the Marty and Lone Wolf

Morning Cavalcade of Wackiness.

And we're here to
introduce the newest boy band

that's going to steal your hearts.

And your money.

Yowza, that stings.

Just kidding.

About the hearts.

Bada bing, ouch!

Just intro the f*cking band!

Both: Wee B54U.

[audience cheering]

[upbeat music]

Holy f*ck, it's the boy!

[upbeat music]

What.

Up there on the stage, it's Kevin.

Who?

Kevin, our stupid kid Kevin.

f*ck off, we got a kid?

Yeah, don't you remember?

Can't say that I do,

but you're telling me that's him?

That's him.

Which one?

Anastasia: The angry loner
with the sensitive side.

Well no kid of mine is
gonna be parading around

in some sissy f*ck' boy band.

They ain't even got no guitars, f*ck.

How can you call that music?

Outta my way, I gotta save my boy.

[upbeat music]

This one, right?

Come on boy, we're goin' home.

You?

Listen, I don't wanna have
sex with you all right,

you fat, drunk b*stard!

I don't know what the hell
youse talking about, lady.

I'm just here to get my boy.

He's my boy now.

I'm gonna make him a star.

Famous, rich beyond his
wildest dreams, everything.

All you can offer him is a cycle

of poverty, alcoholism, and abuse.

Listen to me, broken
head and listen good.

You got a decision to make.

Your mother and I may only be able

to offer you squalor and poverty,

we don't feed ya much, and
we's always bummin' smokes

and the house gets pretty dirty

since none of us ever
cleans up the f*ck' dump,

but think of what you're doing.

New Kids On the Block, Backstreet Boys,

Nsync, b4-4 for god's sake,

you really wanna join the likes of them?

Is that how you wanna spend
the rest of your life?

Think of what you're doing to society.

I mean I know you don't like society much,

and I can't say as I blame ya,

but even you can't have
that much hate in ya.

No son of mine is so bad enough
to want to join a boy band.

So what's it gonna be, Kevin?

[dramatic music]

[somber music]

[crowd booing]

Ah f*ck all of ya.

That's my boy, come on son.

Me and your mom is
gonna take you drinking,

and we're gonna get
drunker than we ever been.

[crowd booing]

[beeping sounds]

[rock music]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ His head don't work it never did ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ You better not cross his path ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ He's a chain smoking
alcoholic sociopath ♪

♪ Sociopath ♪

Man: I should never have
rescued you from Menudo.

[rock music]