04x05 - Fang

[bunniefuu]

[whistling]
[pleasant music]

[loud revving]
[feet tapping]

[laughing]

Percy: Yee-haw!

[car crashing]

[feet tapping]

[upbeat horns and drum music]

[bottle smashing]

[comical music]

Nurse: What's the boy's name?

Kevin Spencer.

Ah, he's here for the extraction.

Down the hall, son.

[footsteps thudding]

Be quick, boy,

otherwise they'll be extracting
my boot from your a*s.

Narrator: It was a busy
day for the Spencer family.

Kevin had to have a tooth out,

because it had decayed to a point,

where it hurt like a son of a b*tch,

every time he took a drag.

[dreamy harp music]
[plane engine whirring]

After that, Percy had to
haul a*s to the airport,

to pick up Ma.

Anastasia Spencer, huh?

Okay, that's a good one.

With a nine iron, original.

You had a semi-automatic?

Up your snizz?

So, I got a gift.

What's your problem?

I'm afraid you're too
much of a security risk.

In fact, they put you
down as a health risk,

just to be safe.

[alarm beeping]

You're going back on that
plane to Canada, lady.

But this is my dream vacation, ya ba,

oh, I mean, isn't there some
way we can work this out?

Sorry, lady.

We have laws about transporting diseases

across the borders too.

Narrator: So Anastasia
had to phone Percy

to come pick her up,

because she was coming
home on the next plane.

[coin clinking]

What? Today?

f*ck!

Okay girls, you gotta be out in an hour.

I still gotta take the
brat to have a tooth out.

[sad trombone music]

We haven't finished playing
Pin the p*ssy on the Percy.

Can't he go by himself?

[sensual soul music]

Yeah right, then Children's
Aid takes him away again,

and cuts off our family allowance check.

Speaking of which,

I guess I'll just sign
this thing over to ya now.

[sensual soul music]

[pen scratching]

[dreamy harp music]

Frig, I barely got enough time

to get any serious drinking done.

Don't forget to ask for Codeine, boy.

Tell them you're in pain.

Papa likes Codeine.

[footsteps thudding]

[chair squeaking]

Dentist: Now just relax, Kevin.

We hardly ever make a mistake.

[laughing]

Hardly ever, just a joke.

Now hold still

while I jam this syringe in your face.

[ominous music]

[comical bouncing and thudding]

Wait!

Boy, you'll like this.

Oof!

Wait.

How about a toy?

[thudding]

Some candy?

[grunting]

Here you go, boy.

I bet you'll like this stuff.

[comical music]

[squeaking]
[air hissing]

[dreamy harp music]

[yodeling]

[wind rushing]

[gentle xylophone music]

[air hissing]
[suspenseful music]

[dreamy harp music]

You know the wife had a
lot of dental work done here,

on account of sometimes when
we're doin' it doggy-style,

her hand slips and her face
smacks into the headboard.

Can I see your health
insurance card, please?

Take your pick.

This one looks somewhat believable.

[comical music]

How long's this gonna take?

Hurry the f*ck up and
lose that tooth, boy.

Still gotta get your ma at the airport.

[man screaming]

That's the bathroom, sir.

Your son's down the hall.

Holy f*ck, sorry twerp.

[man screaming]

Ah, belt up, p*ssy.

Ain't got nothin' I ain't seen in prison.

Except smaller and with less tattoos.

[door slamming]

[man screaming]

[comical music]

[keyboard clacking]

[drill whirring]

Hey Doc, you struck oil yet?

We gotta hit the pavement here.

Dentist: Just finishing up.

[cracking]

Hmm, that's odd.

Almost like there's
another tooth in there.

[gas hissing]

[coughing]

Holy sh*t.

What the hell's that
smell coming out of him?

[dentist coughing]

Dentist: I don't know.

You smell a lot of crappy
breath in this business,

but that's the god damnedest thing.

[ominous music]

[water splashing]

Percy: Come on, boy, we gotta leg it.

Cover your mouth.

If I'd known it was gonna take this long,

we'd have used the motorcycle
like I'd said before.

[plane engine whirring]

Announcer: Attention please,

passengers aboard air
flight 747 from Europe,

will be disembarking at the finish line

of the Oakdale Funny Car Drag Strip.

Transprovincial Airlines
will not be landing, ever.

Let's just leave it at that.

Your ma's plane lands
in a few minutes, boy.

Let's go to the luggage
carousel and do some shoppin'.

[light comical music]

Mr. Percy likes that one.

This one looks pretty chunky, too.

Holy frig, a mountain bike.

Hey that's my suitcase,
you son of a b*tch!

I don't see your name on it.

It's right there!

Yeah, well I can't f*cking read.

How's about I teach you to read, sir?

[thudding]

Hey, they looked identical
to my sh*t, no harm done.

You're on warning, mister.

I'll be watchin' you.

Jesus, I was just guarding
the stuff for them, anyways.

They should be thankin' me.

Where's the frickin' arrivals list?

I can't make sense of this stuff.

[static buzzing]

[loud thudding]

Announcer: You're
watching Hudson's Bay Watch.

That's better.

Hey boy, you look pretty rough.

[laughing]

Hey, you got a bug on your face.

[comical bouncing]

[Percy laughing]

[upbeat electronic music]

There, I got it.

Narrator: The pain in Kevin's
cheek made him delirious,

and he kind of lost track of where he was.

[dreamy harp music]

[electronic music]

Come on, boy, pain ain't so bad.

It's just a merry-go-round ride.

Oh sure, normally you
can just tune out pain,

but not a toothache.

That's a whole new
landscape of blinding agony.

You wanna ride the merry-go-round with me?

[sinister laughing]

[pleasant carnival music]

[dreamy harp music]

[conveyor belt whirring]

Look at this nightie.

You think women actually
wear stuff like this?

She does in this vacation video.

Gimme that, you b*stard.

Staff: Now she's dancing
the hootchie-cootchie

with the mariachi band.

Christ, the kid went
all the way through.

That's my ret*rd boy, he's the b*mb.

[footsteps thudding]

Did that fat as*h*le say b*mb?

I said my boy's the b*mb.

You trying to say different, you effin'.

Narrator: That's about the time

Percy remembered the
one rule about airports.

Whatever you do, never
make a joke about a b*mb.

'Cause they'll lock your a*s up

just for saying the word out loud.

f*ck!

[suspenseful music]

[thudding]

He's getting away!

Secure all the exits!

[panting]

Jesus Christ, airports are touchy.

Holy jet!

[plane engines whirring]

[Percy screaming]

There!

There he is!

[plane engine whirring]

[loud retching]

Pilot: Hello passengers,
this is your captain speaking.

We'll be landing in a few minutes.

Bar services will be closing shortly.

What?

Quick, before we land.

I want one more complimentary
gin, rum, vodka,

triple sec, and coke, please.

What the hell kind of a drink is that?

How the f*ck should I know?

Just give it.

[Anastasia retching]

[plane engine whirring]

[pleasant keyboard music]

Hey look, there's my Percy.

How you doin', baby?

[footsteps thudding]

[loud pounding]

[Percy yelling]
[dogs growling]

[upbeat music]

Spencer, we're willing to offer you

a very lucrative opportunity here.

If you just answer a few questions.

f*ck you.

Oh, you'll talk, Spencer.

You'll have to talk eventually.

[lamp clicking]

[Percy laughing]

[flies buzzing]

Ah gee, Dave.

Ain't the guy ripe enough

without you making him sweat more?

Okay then, you know this man?

Yeah, he's with the Quebec Mafia.

We wanna bring him down, Spencer.

And we want you to help us.

We need a man on the inside.

Ever heard of it?

Yeah, so has your wife.

[laughing]

Man on the inside.

Listen b*stard, can you
get inside his organization?

What?

You don't f*ck with the Quebec Mafia.

They are all like bikers,
and they're French.

That's like the worst of everything.

You have no choice.

Percy: Oh, I,

well, frig, whatever then.

[cuffs clicking]

Good, you're free to go,

as long as you bring us the information

that topples this b*stard's empire.

What, what I can just walk?

Get outta here.

[Percy laughing]

Percy: This is so
f*cked up, it's great.

Bye, suckers.

[comical music]

Narrator: The pain from
Kevin's tooth extraction

was worse than he expected.

On account of all the infections

and the fact that his old man
had stole all the Codeine.

So he went on the biggest
bender of his life,

just to try and dull the pain.

[upbeat carnival music]

Young man, we want you to tell us

which mouthwash leaves your
mouth the most minty fresh.

[loud gurgling]

[glass shattering]

[loud thudding]

[rustling]

[bird cawing]

Narrator: It was weird,
but for some reason,

Kevin felt a strange ache in his mouth.

Turns out he'd grown a fang
where his molar used to be.

What have we here?

Looks like your head's been making

some unscheduled alterations
to your dental work.

That's a pointy little
biter you got there, boy.

Ain't seen an inter-species
vestigial mutation like this

since the duck-billed platypus.

Of course, ducks are so frickin'
common, that's no surprise.

But you better not tell
anyone about this, boy,

or they'll be cutting you up
like a frog in biology class.

[wings flapping]

[crashing]

[thudding]

[siren wailing]
[tires screeching]

Narrator: Percy had
been a police informant

for three weeks,

and it was pretty sweet.

He basically turned in all his friends,

and got some easy coin in the deal.

Besides that,

he'd started to notice
another neat side effect

about being a stoolie.

[burglar alarm ringing]
[suspenseful music]

Freeze!

I was framed.

Holy sh*t!

Percy Spencer?

Yeah.

Hey, you're that nice pig who let me go.

Let's take him in.

We can't, he's on a big case for us.

Give him a public disturbance citation.

What?

Are you serious?

For now, we have no choice.

Narrator: For some reason,

the stupid cops were letting
Percy get away with everything,

short of m*rder.

Wee!

[car honking]
[tires screeching]

[loud crashing]

Unit 65 here,

we have an insane lunatic
driving down the sidewalk.

Oh wait, it's Spencer.

Police: Spencer again?

sh*t, issue him a warning.

[slurping]

Hey bookworm, remember
when you called me

a hair suit troglodyte?

Well guess who found
a dictionary, b*stard!

[glass shattering]

[thudding]

[Percy laughing]

Narrator: Finally Percy got to feel

like a pretty big man,

because all he had to do to
be such a lawless jackass,

was sit around making up any old sh*t

about the Quebec Mafia that suited him.

[door thudding]

You know most of our informants

don't bring their families
to our secret meetings.

That's because they
probably give a sh*t

about what happens to 'em.

[Percy burping]

Besides ma's got a cash
in of Scratch and Win.

She glued all the shavings off
the scratched parts back on

so it still looks valid.

It took four hours,
but it's worth three bucks

and a mooncake.

[loud chomping]

So what'd ya call me for?

You've been DC for some time now.

DC?

Deep cover.

Oh, I thought you were
saying you swung both ways.

How's that?

You know, fruity, a pillow biter.

You mean alternate lifestyle?

f*ck, you even sound like
you work for the government.

[loud guzzling]
[suspenseful music]

Where's the information, Spencer?

Here, I had the wife write it down.

At 3:17,

Big Daddy had a party at the bar.

At midnight he got too drunk,
sh*t his pants, and fainted.

Oh, wait that was me.

I can't even read these notes.

Listen you b*stard, you've
nearly torn this city to pieces

with your antics.

The only reason you're not
in the joint right now,

is we need your inside information.

I need more money.

Narrator: Kevin was starting
to feel a strange urge.

He really wanted to bite the cop.

He'd bitten cops before.

But this time it seemed more instinctive

and he couldn't have
stopped if he wanted to,

which he didn't.

[detective screaming]

He's biting me!

Percy: Get him boy, get him!

Oh! Hey!

I can't feel my leg.

Jesus!

[detective screaming]
[gas hissing]

Anastasia: What's he spittin' at him?

Detective: My f*cking eyes!

Narrator: As the temporary paralysis

of the neurotoxin set in,

everyone took a moment to think about

what had just happened.

[birds chirping]

Holy jeez, I've never
seen that happen before.

Usually when he bites a cop,
they just hoof him in the a*s.

Tell your ma how you
learned that trick, boy.

[Percy yelling]

Narrator: Kevin said he didn't know,

that it just seemed to come naturally.

[blowing]

[Anastasia and Percy chuckling]

So it's true, you are a little freak.

[Percy screaming]

[thudding]

[Anastasia laughing]

Ma!

Hey, Ma!

f*ck, Ma, you gotta carry
me to the bathroom again.

I'm paralyzed.

How come you ain't too
paralyzed to smoke and swill brew?

You're just paralyzed drunk, ya b*stard.

The boy bit ya two days ago.

[door thudding]

All right, Spencer,
we're not taking you in,

'cause we need you,

but we're taking in the freak boy.

He's upstairs screamin'
and cryin' in his pillow

about being different or some sh*t.

[door slamming]

[footsteps thudding]

Narrator: Kevin knew backyarding it

was a good way to get away from the cops

if you have a bicycle.

You just throw the bike over the fence

and bike across the street
to the next backyard fence.

[suspenseful music]

[police siren wailing]
[upbeat music]

[tires screeching]
[cars honking]

[bike clattering]

[yelling]

Look, that boy high
tailing it on the bicycle.

Looks like he's heading for
a showdown at the old rehab.

[old men laughing]

[gas hissing]
[police screaming]

[dramatic music]

What'd you want me down here for?

I told ya, I don't give a
sh*t what you do with the boy.

I never liked him anyhow.

It's about your case.

The judge has ordered
us to confront Big Daddy

with our evidence.

You're gonna have to testify at trial.

Testify, you never
said sh*t about that.

There's nothing we can do,

his lawyers were very expensive.

We guarantee you the best protection

an underfunded public
police force can provide.

What the hell's going on out there?

What's this bullshit
that a kid paralyzed you?

Like a snake?

That was my boy, bit you
right in the a*s good too.

[laughing]

Get outta here, Spencer.

[footsteps thudding]

[door thudding]

I'm tellin ya, the little freak
bit me and I couldn't move,

then he sprayed me in the eyes,

and I thought I was a dead man.

[door thudding]

Perhaps I can help explain.

Who the f*ck are you?

I'm world famous
neurologist, Wilder Penfield.

I was just down here

getting some inmate
volunteers for my experiments,

when I overheard.

What we obviously have here
is a rare genetic mutation

based on generations of toxic environment.

If we look at the family
tree of our Mr. Spencer,

we see it has a long history
of abusing substances.

All the way back to Jeb "Hollow
Leg" Spencer, back in 1783.

This coupled with the hostile environment

of our modern world,

has obviously created this anomaly.

This venom his body creates
is obviously an amalgam

of centuries of toxins his
family has abused itself with.

There's only one man who
can bring this Spencer down.

The most daring personality
on TV, the reptile hunter.

[suspenseful percussion music]
[growling]

Right, now what we're doing here

is hunting the elusive
genetic mutated Serpent Man.

He's a rare creature, this one.

Not like your croc or the small
child-eating guinea squid.

This baby has the cunning
of a drunken teenage boy

and the paralyzing bite of a rattler.

Not the kinda customer you
want sniffing around your didge

on a hot night in Walamaloo.

Crikey, there was an anaconda one time.

It was big, it wrapped
itself around my neck.

Now it was a cute lookin
thing and I had to be careful.

It's time to testify, Percy.

Narrator: Percy was
feeling pretty confident,

and for good reason.

He knew it would be suicide
to testify against the Mafia.

So instead he made a sweet deal
with Big Daddy on the side.

Mr. Spencer, is it not true

that you've been following
Big Daddy Balduke

during his criminal activities?

Yes, it's not true.

And based on what you,

what?

What do you mean it's not true?

[Big Daddy chuckling]

Yeah, basically I
made all that sh*t up.

You didn't think I was
really gonna sell out

that m*therf*cker, did you?

But we paid you.

The government's whole
case rests on the testimony

of our paid stoolie.

Hey f*ck, it's suicide
to testify against that guy

and you know it.

[gasping]

Objection, your honor.

I once saw him break a guy's
finger for picking his nose

in a way he didn't like.

This guy has so many garage drug labs

and pimpin' deals going on,

that if I tried talkin' about him,

I'd have to live the rest of my life

hiding out in dumpsters.

Objection, your honor.

[gavel banging]

Alls I'm saying is it'll
be a cold day in solitary

before I roll over on the guy.

He's a f*cking k*ller for Christ's sake.

Did I do good, Mr. Daddy?

[dramatic piano music]

Thank you, Mr. Spencer.

You've helped us out immeasurably.

What?

Really?

But I wasn't supposed to.

Jesus, Big Daddy, I didn't mean to, ooh.

[Big Daddy growling]

Narrator: And so Kevin
ended up back at the dentist,

getting his fang removed by court order.

[loud punching]

Other kids ended up having to go too.

And it became pretty common
procedure for new infants,

to have their fang removed,
same as their foreskin,

and umbilical cord.

What should we do with
all this medical waste?

We're supposed to burn the stuff

at a federally approved incinerator.

Uh-huh.

Oh, that's gonna happen.

[crashing]

Why don't you watch where
you're pouring your sh*t, ya--

[g*ns firing]
[Percy yelling]

[suspenseful music]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ His head don't work, it never did ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ You better not cross his path ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ He's a chain-smoking,
alcoholic sociopath ♪

♪ Sociopath ♪

Man: Accent on the cootchie.

[electric guitar wailing]