04x09 - Serial k*ller

[bunniefuu]

[cheerful whistling music]

[engine roaring]

[boy laughing]

Yeehaw!

[cars crashing]

[glass shattering]

[woman speaking in foreign language]

[man speaking in foreign language]

[woman speaking in foreign language]

[man speaking in foreign language]

[woman speaking in foreign language]

[cigarette exploding]

[woman speaking in foreign language]

[man speaking in foreign language]

[woman speaking in foreign language]

Narrator: We interrupt
the Arts and Culture channel

production of Bum of Lamancha

performed by the
Not-Quite-Ready-For-Rehab Players.

A serial k*ller is
stalking our community.

For now, he seems to prefer
praying on drunken indigents

and drifters, but police say
they're ready to investigate

as soon as he or she becomes a
threat to the general public.

Officials had no further
comment other than to say

that his chosen method
of murdering his victims

involves a horse.

[intense industrial music]

[lighter burning]

[thunder crashing]

[glass shattering]

[playful music]

Boobies, boobies, boobies!

What the hell is wrong with you?

Remember that pet shop at the mall?

The one where all the animals took over

and ate all the staff?

They just reopened it
as a Boobies restaurant!

All hot chicks in T-shirts,
for the whole family! [laughs]

I should have guessed it.

Why'd you gotta be such a g*dd*mn lowbrow?

Shut up!

I'm learning new words to be smart.

Look what I learned to say this morning:

[clears throat] That's
victim mentality bullshit.

Hey, where'd you learn to say that?

The guy at the employment
insurance said it,

before I put his f*ck' lights out.

What's it mean?

I don't know.

Means I sound smart whenever
people start riding me now.

Narrator: Kevin's dad
was always getting caught up

in whatever was the hot
catchphrase of the day.

It made him seem fashionable and smart

without actually having to think.

[harp strumming]

Up your nose with a rubber hose!

Sit on it nerd!
[man screaming]

[bubbling]
Well excuse me!

[harp strumming]

So now we gotta
listen to ya saying this

'til the end of whatever?

Narrator: Kevin said catchphrases

were a tragic side effect
of cultural indoctrination.

That's victim mentality bullshit.

[laughs] Hey, you're
right, it does work!

Now you look like the smart guy,

and he just looks like an as*h*le!

[laughs] Ah, lowbrow!

[funky music]

You know who that
serial k*ller is, boy?

It's the Axe-Monkey.

And if it's the Axe-Monkey,

that means you're pulling
a wagon load of sh*t

for bringing him into this universe.

Narrator: Kevin said Allen was stupid.

What the hell would the Axe-Monkey

be doing with a horse anyways?

Hey, Kevin.

You're looking well today.

[trippy music]

Oh, oh, looks like the loveborg's

got someone by the shorts and
curlies there, baba ganoush!

Ah, maybe I let you off at the chapel

so's you can get married, uh?

You know, I have a very similar problem.

These bedroom eyes, they
can get a bus driver

in a lot of trouble, there.

I said, look, there's the hotel!

Hey, I could tell you stories
of things that happened here,

oh, [stammers]

oh my, it was curdled boots and ladies!

Whoa, Spencer, you look like
you just got hit in the head

with a horny stick.

Narrator: Kevin told Timmy to f*ck off,

then he asked if he thought
Shauna really liked him.

I don't know, man!

She's a little, how do I put it nicely?

f*cked up, but you know, the two of you

seem to work somehow.

Narrator: Kevin whined briefly

about being awkward with girls,

and then mentally chastised himself

for confiding to Timmy such
a demeaning self-revelation.

Maybe if you brought her
a present, she'd like you?

Tell you what, let's hit my computer

and hack into her email account.

[exciting rock music]

[ominous funky music]

See, I've been trying to figure out

who the serial k*ller is,

so I'm hacked into every email
account in the neighborhood.

It's pretty easy to find
out what everyone's into.

We'll find out what kinda stuff she likes.

Here we go, Shawna.

Hmm, not much, except,

she's been putting in
bids on eBay for scooters.

[chime ringing]

Narrator: The next
day the whole family went

to the monthly neighborhood watch meetings

to see just which nosy
b*stard houses to avoid

whenever they were getting up to sh*t.

Percy was still real
offended that Anastasia

had accused him of being lowbrow,

and was fixing to set
her straight right quick.

Listen, we're gonna go
into that meeting tonight,

and I'm gonna say some smart
sh*t that'll make you sh*t.

That'll be the day!

[playful music]

Welcome to our
neighborhood watch meeting.

Now, because there's a serial
k*ller stalking the community

we'll postpone our discussion

of the new cross-walk 'til next meeting.

[crowd muttering]

But I've been on this side
of the street for three months!

My cats are all dead!

Now now, shut up now!

Here to tell us more is the
late Dr. Wilder Penfield,

and Constable Mumbles.

[crowd applauding]

Serial K*llers, they
are capable of both

inconceivably brilliant
cunning and arrogance.

For instance, the Zodiac k*ller.

Still at large, he
calculates all his murders

to occur on a radian from
the top of a nearby peak.

When you show where the killings occurred

respective to that peak,

it is a mathematically perfect circle,

even accounting for
quirks in the landscape.

It's one of the most horrifying
testaments to human evil,

only to be outdone by...
[ominous music]

The Superfan k*ller.

This diabolical mind only murders

professional sports mascots,

and when the pattern of his
killings is looked at from above

we see the words Go Jays.

That's victim mentality bullshit!

Sh, not yet, Percy!

Ah, f*ck, sorry.

We know very little
about serial K*llers.

About 80% of them seem to
come from broken homes.

I come from a broken home.

And an inordinate amount of them

seem to have a fascination
with John Wayne.

I like John Wayne.

Yes, Mr. Spencer, but I mean

really, really like John Wayne.

Remember John Wayne Gacy, the evil clown?

I like evil clowns!

Heck, I really, really like John Wayne.

[ominous music]

This suspect seems to
have an obsessive fondness

for horses.

Tom Green's already got an alibi,

so we're focusing on equestrian stables,

and pony rides in the park.

Otherwise, I hope this
session has helped inform you

about how to stay safe.

Yeah, if I see John
Wayne in a clown suit,

I'll tackle him.

What about the boy?

He's always in the asylum
getting his head checked.

Maybe he's the k*ller?

Percy, how could you?

What's the reward again?

[playful music]

Narrator: After the
meeting, Percy surprised

the whole family by taking them to dinner

at the new sexist restaurant.

What are we doing here?

I'm buying ya dinner.

Happy Valentine's Day, baby.

Some Valentine's gift.

I don't think they should be letting kids

into a place like this.

It could corrupt their minds.

[bouncy music]

Narrator: Kevin told
his mom not to worry,

because he'd already been to
plenty of real strip clubs.

Kevin made up a homily
about objectification

and individual criminality as a defense

against oppression when
the waitress came over

to take their drink orders.

I'd like an orgasm, sex
on the beach, a blowjob,

and then can you get us
some drinks? [snickers]

You like that one, mom?

Stop hittin' on my husband!

[wind whistling]

I hate this f*ck' restaurant!

If you want to leave
me, Percy, just leave,

and hope I get the f*ck' message!

Hey, I just wanted
to take the family out

for a nice meal and maybe
look at some big t*ts,

but no, you gotta make a big
f*ck' production about it.

That's gratitude.

Narrator: Whenever Kevin's
parents embarrassed themselves

he looked forward to the
opportunity to zone out,

and obsess about little
things, like Shawna.

He didn't know why she
occupied his thoughts,

it kind of pissed him off,

and sometimes she'd say things
that really made him wonder.

[harp strumming]

You're looking well today.

[harp strumming]

[glass shattering]

What the hell you
figure she meant by that?

Is she hitting on you or something?

One second she's f*ck' ya over,

and the next minute she's tippin' her hat!

I don't trust this, boy!

[brake squealing]

[militaristic music]

[crowd cheering]

All right, ladies!

It's time to take a stand against
this corporately-enshrined

sexist dinosaur!

Oh my God, Corporal Vivica!

So I, I heard you reconciled
with your husband.

So what, is it for serious this time?

Yes, Anastasia.

What happened 'tween you
and I was what it was.

An accident.

A tragic, embarrassing,
and ultimately medicinal,

expensive accident.
[girls laughing]

Narrator: Ma joined the protesters,

figuring she could
really stick it to Percy

and that sl*t waitress
who was hitting on him.

Somehow the management of the restaurant

didn't take them too seriously.

[crowd booing]

Oh, God, here come the feminazis.

Come on ladies, it's all a joke!

We're just trying to have some fun.

Yeah, well, well, how'd you like it

if we started our own restaurant?

We'd call it, we'd call it Peckers,

and we'd only employ well hung studs,

so your wives will have
something to look forward to

besides your limp-d*ck little dishrags.

Hey, we're already rich.

Do what you want.

[optimistic music]

Anastasia, that's a brilliant idea!

And I still have the wack
of money from the military.

Let's do it, baby!

[playful music]

Seen the old lady around?

Figure I should, hey, why you givin' away

that little sissy bike I stole for you?

'Course, when I stole it I
thought it was a rollerskate.

Narrator: Kevin told his old man

he wanted to fake his
way into a relationship

like a normal kid.

Maybe some hormonal trigger was jammed,

and his obsession with
Shawna was a way of unlocking

real feelings to penetrate
the fearsome detachment

suffocating his life.

You still here?

Hey, what you doing giving away

that little sissy bike I stole for ya?

Hey, did I tell you how when I stole it,

I thought it was a rollerskate? [laughs]

I feel like stealin' a car.

[whimsical music]

[funky music]

Okay.

Okay.

Impressive.

Ooh, la la.

Okay.

Who are you kidding?

Okay.

What's that, an appetizer?

Holy sh*t, how old are you?

I'm just here to install the plumbing.

Oh, Anastasia, I
can't wait 'til it's time

for the big opening.

I knew you wanted me back.

What?

No, that's just not what I meant.

Oh, please take me back Vivica!

Please, I can't live with
that fat b*stard anymore!

You can move into my
trailer for a few days,

just to get yourself together.

[tragic music]

[car engine roaring]

I'd offer you a lift,

but because of this
friggin' security club,

I can only drive the f*ck'
car in a straight line.

Where the hell's your old lady?

Narrator: Kevin told his old man

that he didn't know where mom was,

and to get lost because he was on his way

to drop off a present with the girl.

Hey, boy, you're goin'
on your first real date.

No money changing hands or nothing.

Here, try some of daddy's aftershave.

That'll turn her head.

[chugging]
[snickers] That's right.

Get some on your face, too.

[Kevin belching]

Wow.

I don't know what to
say at a time like this.

So I'm going to the movies.
[car roaring off]

Soldier: I'm tellin' ya, partner.

I've come to take you all
treacherous Japanese b*stards

to a respectable American
concentration camp!

But I'm just an Asian-American!

I fought against Japan in the w*r!

How can you do this?

Soldier: Well I do
it like this! [punching]

[dramatic music]

Stick it to him, dude!

[punching]

[wailing in pain]

Woman: Why, Charles!

Why must you leave me?

Because he's weak!

Because he's not a man!

A man wouldn't leave just
because things got rough.

Shawna: Are you alright, mother?

[glass shattering]
What do you care?

What does anyone care?

Fine, mother!

[dramatic music]

Oh no, not the serial k*ller!

[birds chirping]

Narrator: Kevin didn't believe in love,

or God, or a lot of things.

All he knew was that
whenever he saw Shawna,

he always imagined them
doing stuff together.

Usually really neat stuff,
like running an amusement park,

or robbing the bank of England.

How do I know you're
not the real k*ller?

A scooter.

Uh, okay, whatever.

There he is, officer!

I heard him breaking
into my daughter's room!

[dramatic music]

On to the floor, weirdo.

We've got a few questions for you.

Questions about serial k*lling.

[ominous music]

Narrator: While in the joint,

Kevin dreamed about what it would be like

if he went on trial as a serial k*ller.

[harp strumming]

Ladies and gentleman,

my argument for sparing
Kevin Spencer's life

is purely scientific.

You can't outlaw a
tornado or an earthquake.

You study them to help
spare future victims.

The same goes for a sociopath.

You're not dealing with a criminal,

you're dealing with a force of nature.

So do not k*ll Kevin Spencer

in some state-sponsored death chamber.

Rather, keep him alive for
painful scientific experiments

so we can preserve future generations

from becoming victims
to sociopaths like this.

[jury applauding]

[frightening music]

[devices whirring]

[Allen laughing]

[harp strumming]

[cell door clanging]

You gotta release the kid.

Why?

The real k*ller just phoned us to brag.

He kidnapped some fat drunk
right out of a movie theater.

[funky music]

Narrator: Even though their
restaurant was a huge success

it didn't draw the clientele
Anastasia expected.

I would like a meaty
mouthful. [snickers]

Are you about to make some
joke about going to down on me?

Maybe. [snickers]

The whole place is fulla g*y men!

Well, I guess money's money!

[phone ringing]

Hello, Packer's family restaurant.

If our food don't bring you
to your knees, our staff will!

[dramatic music]
What? Oh my God!

My husband's in trouble!

A serial k*ller's kidnapped him!

Probably a good time to
move my sh*t outta the house

and into your trailer, huh?

[rooster crowing]

Aren't you bored being a serial k*ller?

I mean, it ain't particularly original,

and if I'm the best you
can do for a victim,

maybe it's time to try a career change.

We perform a duty to society.

We thin the herd, the weak and naive.

When overpopulation occurs, so do we.

[frightening industrial music]

[horse snorting]

What are you gonna do
with that f*ck' horse?

I'm sending you to your grave.

Holy sh*t, you're crazy!

Missed me!

Ow, f*ck!

[high-pitched squealing]

The police told us how you k*ll people,

and we knew it was you right away!

You're the only one
with a right-hand twist

that could break a man's neck!

Now it's time to pay the piper!

[dramatic electronic music]

[horseshoes whooshing]

[horseshoes thumping]

[chicken chirping]

[crowd of old men laughing]

[inspirational music]

Your society created me!

Now you dare have the
nerve to stand in judgment

of the result of your
culture's years of abuse?

[serial k*ller thumping]

Hey, wait a minute. [clears throat]

[playful music]

That's victim mentality bullshit.

Hey, high-five!

Ouch, ya hurt my hand, ya old b*stard!

[playful music]

Narrator: Kevin and his
old man ended up getting home

at roughly the same time.

Where the hell's my beer?

Where the hell's the TV?

Where the hell's mom?

Anastasia: I'm sorry,
but being with Vivica

is like having a Johnson
outboard strapped to my crotch.

I'm moving out of the
house for a few weeks

and into Vivica's trailer,

which by the by is parked outside.

Looks like she wrote
something on a piece of paper.

Wonder what it says?

Ah, f*ck, who cares.

[playful music]

[door bell ringing]

You know, sometimes I
imagine us together, too.

I think of us holding
hands in the pet cemetery

on a stormy night, or
robbing the Bank of England,


the British countryside,

to hide in the innocent
nooks of historic retrospect.

But here and now,

you are the most hated
thing I can imagine,

and my joy is derived from your torment.

[ominous music]

Oh yeah, thanks for the scooter! [laughs]

[ominous music]

[lighter flicking]

[funky music]

[Anastasia moaning]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Something wrong with that kid ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ I don't like him, never did ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ He's a chain-smoking,
alcoholic sociopath ♪

♪ Sociopath ♪

Woman: Baby, oh.

[bubbles trickling]