04x11 - Big a*s Spooky Halloween

[bunniefuu]

[cheerful whistling]

[laughter]

Man: Yee haw!

[crashing]

[big band music]

[glass breaking]

[wolf howling]

[wind blowing]
[trees rustling]

[car engine whirring]

What seems to be the matter?

[repetitive dinging]

According to them
lights we're 'outta gas,

'outta oil, 'outta washer fluid,

the engine is over heatin',

and the emergency brake won't shut off.

That's not good.

What are we going to do?

I think we should walk
back to that picnic area

a few miles back.

There are washrooms there

and we can start a fire to keep warm.

I know what I'd like right
about now to keep me warm.

Some grade-A ladies with
big-ol' t*tties mm hm.

I hear that!

Now c'mon lets go!

[wolf howls]

I don't like the sounds of that.

Probably just a dog in heat.

That isn't a horny dog!

No, but I is!

f*ck' imagination,

I tell you what I'm imagining right now.

A great big Afroman sandwich,

a little bit of me between
two slices of hot honey bread,

sweet baby, sweet!

[chuckles] That would be.

[spooky music]

[rustling]

Both: Help!

Some f*ck' shortcut ya fat drunk!

Put a lid on it sh*t can.

Hey look at them two porno actors.

[cheerful music]

Narrator: It was Halloween night,

and Kevin's parents had
gotten so drunk during the day

that they'd had a moment of sentimentality

and decided to dress the
boy up like a pirate,

and take him trick or treating.

Unfortunately they were so drunk

that they'd taken several wrong turns

trying to find a rich neighborhood in town

and had gotten lost in the woods.

Man, I'd love to f*ck
as much as you's guys

but I got a crappy heart
so it'd probably k*ll me,

otherwise I'd be making pornos too!

We don't make pornos!

We make adult erotica!

And no offense, but you ain't exactly,

how can I put this delicately?

You are too fat and unwashed
to be an adequate stimulus

for a viewer's erotic fantasies.

I don't even care if the ol'
lady gets off when we do it.

Why the f*ck would I care
about some loser at home

yanking his pole [chuckles]?

Hey you's guys got any booze?

No!

Fine I'll drink my own then.

Where is we anyway?

Near the asylum, our car broke down.

We all stuck here
until they open the road,

unless we try to walk out!

f*ck that!

We spent six f*cking hours

walking here in the first place.

I ain't f*cking moving another inch.

Let the f*ck' government
come and save us, they owe me!

Narrator: Kevin was bored

listening to his old man's
rambling against the government

and he asked everyone if they
wanted to change the subject.

Sounds good to me!

What'd you want to talk
about my little buccaneer?

Narrator: Kevin told Afroman
that since it was Halloween

it might be fun to take
turns telling ghost stories.

Then he told him if he ever called him

little buccaneer again he'd
beat him three ways sideways

with the biggest rock he could pick up.

Ha ha you tell him boy,
you threaten him good!

Why don't we just
start with the stories?

Fine, I'll go first.

[spooky music]

Back when I was younger, there
was this lovers lane place

not too far from my house.

All the kids knew about it

but our parents were constantly warnin' us

never to go there.

But I didn't listen,

and one night, a dark, dark
night, I found out why!

But first, let me go back and tell you

what led me to that dune lookout
place in the first place.

[xylophone transition music]

I'm not a wh*re!

That's good because only wh*res

go to lovers lane to neck with boys!

Trust me, boys like you more
if you play hard to get!

Once you got 'em respecting you

then you can start
putting out little bits,

get 'em to buy you things
and take you places.

Really mom?

How do you think I landed

the sweetest double wide in the park?

I strung your new daddy along

for two and half weeks.
[giggling]

Made him do it sober the first time

so it'd be a special memory.

But all the other girls at
school say they're doing it!

Well, I suppose if all
the other girls at school

shoved wolverines up their assholes

and started singing Bay City Roller songs

you'd join right in!

I just want to fit in Ma.

It's hard ya know, in
case you haven't noticed

this is the fifth new school
I've been in this year!

Well, ya know your daddy
can't stay in one place too long.

I know, I just want people to like me.

[slow cheerful music]

You're new around here aren't you?

My Ma and I just moved into

the Paradise Acres mobile park.

My name's Dirk, I'm the
captain of the football team

and the school president.

I'm Anastasia.

That's great, listen if
you're not doing anything tonight

how would you like to
go cruising in my car?

That's so cool!

Great, I'll meet you
out in front of the school

at nine tonight.

It was my first real
date and I was nervous.

You see boy,

I didn't always have to
settle for fat assholes

like your old man.

I used to have prospects.

'Til you ballooned
up like a f*cking whale

and started hitting the booze.

You's lucky you done as good as me!

f*ck you Percy!

So anyway, I snuck out
of the house that night

which weren't so hard since
Ma was kinda preoccupied

with sleeping one off.

[car braking]

Hop in!

[tires screeching]

Isn't this the haunted lookout?

That's just some old wives
tale parents tell their kids

to try and stop them from
doing what comes natural.

[giggling] Yeah, that's what I figured,

I never believed it anyway.

It's just some stupid thing I heard.

Do you believe in
doing what comes natural?

I guess so.

Great, here hold my beer.

I just got to drain the vein.

Try not to get too scared while I'm gone.

[owl hooting]

I'd never had a drink
before but I was scared

and nervous about making out

and I thought it might help
take the f*cking edge off

ya know?

And what a sweet, sweet
f*ck' revelation it was!

About an hour later it
occurred to me that Dirk

was taking an awful long time pissing.

I would have driven home

but I wasn't old enough
to have a driver's license

so I just figured I'd keep
drinking and listen to the radio.

[chugging]

Broadcaster: This just in!

A homicidal maniac known
as the Lovers Lane k*ller

escaped from the insane
asylum earlier today.

Police are cautioning
people to stay inside

keep their doors locked
and under no circumstances

sit alone in cars on
lonely dark country roads!

Shut up as*h*le.

How's about some f*cking tunes!

[radio squelching]

♪ Danger, yes its all around you ♪

♪ Danger ♪

[thumping]

Dirk, hey Dirk is that you?

Dirk is that you?

C'mon Dirk quit f*ck' around!

[click]

[creaking]

This isn't funny Dirk!

[suspenseful music]

Dirk, is that you?

But it wasn't Dirk.

I didn't know it at the time,

but the man walking
along the side of the car

was the escaped lunatic
and he was comin' for me!

[footsteps approaching]

Have you seen my boyfriend, Dirk?

Dirk won't be coming back ever!

Well then who the
f*ck's gonna drive me home?

I ain't staying out
here all f*cking night!

Hey do you got a license?

If you drive me home

I'll give you some of
them beers that's left.

I don't think you're
getting it, I k*lled Dirk!

I'll show's ya my t*tties!

Be quiet!

I'm going to k*ll you you
stupid ugly drunk skank!

Skank?

Well then, let's get this party started

you ugly c*ck smoker!

[fists pounding]

[screaming]

[grunting]

Well maybe that'll learn ya
how to talk to a f*cking lady!

[engine rumbles]

I ditched the f*ck' car

a couple a blocks from the trailer park.

Wiped it for prints and
snuck back in the house.

The cops never did
figure out what happened.

They figured Dirk must
have beaten the lunatic

before collapsing.

They found him clinging to life

and stuck him back in the asylum.

And, well I've been drinking ever since.

And if any of you c*ck suckers
spill the beans about it

you'll be wishing you had it as good

as that f*cking lunatic, got it?

[lighter flicks]
[chuckling]

Okay, who's goin' next?

Well I guess we can take our turn.

If that's all right with you Ma'am.

Oh Ma'am, ain't that f*cking classy!

You could learn a thing
or two from him Percy!

If I gave a rats a*s
about learning nothing

I wouldn't have dropped
out of grade five twice.

Just ignore the dumb fat drunk b*stard

and please, continue.

It all happened,

Shut your f*ck' hole I'm going next!

[wolf howling]

It all happened many years ago

when I was hiding out from the
cops up in Northern Ontario.

[xylophone transition music]

[suspenseful music]

The pigs were looking
for me for welfare fraud

and theft under a thousand dollars,

because I allegedly stole some clothes

from some as*h*le tourist.

I was staying away from the main highway

and looking for some
small town to hole up in

'til the heat blew over.

[splashing]

I'd been walking for three
days when suddenly I saw it.

It was exactly what I'd been looking for.

How's it f*cking going eh?

Is there a titty bar in this here town?

Oh, there's just the
one bar, no strippers.

Then how would your
wife like to make $14?

[intense music]

[chuckling] I'm just f*cking with ya.

I'm gonna go get loaded, see ya!

[cheerful music]

What can I get you, stranger?

How'd you know my name was stranger?

[chuckles] I was just f*cking with ya.

My name's really, Charlie Plunt.

I normally look different,
but I lost my cowboy hat

and my mustache, just in
case anyone ever asks.

Now quit giving me the
f*ck' third degree

and bring me a jug of draft.

Get out of town, now!

Come again?

Before the sun goes down,

get outta town and never come back.

f*ck that, I've been
walking in the woods

for three f*cking days and this
is the first bar I've seen!

The only thing that's going
to drag me out of here

is last call.

If you don't go now, you'll
never be allowed to leave.

Once night falls you'll become one of us.

Luther, drink your beer and keep quiet.

Luther's the town drunk.

He tends to run off at the
mouth and talk nonsense.

No problem, I'm the town
drunk back where I come from

so I pretty much know the routine.

You best go, Luther.

Yeah sure, okay, here.

Hey, hey bring me another jug of draft.

And what's this say?

That freak left me a note.

Oh, it says have a nice day.

And you can't have any more
beer, you missed last call.

What the f*ck are you talking about,

it ain't even dark yet?

Bar closes a half hour before sun down.

We open again at sunrise.

This is the stupidest
God damn sh*t h*le

of a piss poor excuse for
a backwards a*s piss pot

useless jack hole puke
stain of a f*cking town

I've ever been in!

And you, my good man

are nothing but an a*s
ugly bone licking arsehole.

With that said, how's
about selling me a bottle?

No.

Fine, but don't go
thinkin' I give a rat's a*s.

It woulda made it easier

but it ain't gonna to
stop me from drinking.

Percy B. Spencer always
finds a way to get loaded!

I thought you said your
name was Charlie Plunt.

sh*t.
[sharp whistle]

You know where I could get, hey!

[door slams]

Some booze, anyone?

Beer store, liquor, hey?

Some booze, booze, do you
know where I could get, hey!

Booze?

[lighter flicks]

Screw all of ya!

If you think you can keep me sober

you got another thing coming!

[suspenseful music]

You should have gotten
out when you could.

Now you're doomed like the rest of us.

Hey you got any booze?

They'll be coming soon,
the dead of this town.

Once they get ahold of you
they'll make you one of them.

That's why they're all inside.

It won't be safe again until sunrise.

You're full of sh*t mister.

If there were zombies
that came out every night

then how come people still live here huh?

I mean if I lived in
a town full of zombies

every f*cking night then
I'd just be f*cking moving

during the day.

Because the people that still live here

are all dead already, except you and I.

I've been stuck here for three years.

If I try and leave during the day

the townspeople stop me.

And if you try and leave at
night, well they're out there.

It's how it was for everyone here.

They wear you down until eventually

you just give in and let them get you.

Hey, I wonder if any
of them zombies got booze?

We need to find somewhere
safe for the night, before,

[creaking]
[spooky music]

Oh God, it's too late!

Luther, how wonderful
to see you out and about.

So glad you've decided to join us.

So what's the deal
with you aresholes anyway?

Eternal life.

A life of torment and
hell, is that what you want?

Hey I got an alcoholic
wife that goes about 250

and a psychopath kid that's
likely gonna k*ll me some day.

As near as I can figure
that's what I already got,

so what's the f*cking deal?

You k*ll me then I gotta live
here for the rest of eternity?

Yes!

So what do I got to do?

Do I got to like serve some evil master

or do chores or something?

Uh no, you just, you're dead.

And you can't ever leave this town, ever!

Yeah but on a day to day like thing,

I mean I get at night I got
to be spooky and all that sh*t

maybe eat a few tourists or whatever,

but during the day can
I do whatever I want?

I suppose.

Okay, so lets say that
hypothetically speaking

I wanted to spend everyday
sitting in the bar

smoking and getting a load on,
is that cool with you guys?

Sure, I guess.

But you'll have to do it
everyday for eternity.

Ha ha I was going to do it everyday

for the rest of my life anyway.

So near as I can figure

I just one-upped cirrhosis
of the liver and lung cancer

so sign me up.

Uh, just a minute.

[low grumbling]

Look, we're going to
make an exception here

and let you go, and just k*ll Luther.

Son of a b*tch of all the luck!

Come on, k*ll me, f*ck, please.

Come on, if you's wasn't
dead already I'd k*ll you.

I'm sorry about that.

Please make me a zombie.

But no matter how much I begged

no one in the town of
the damned would listen.

You call that scary?

What the hell's so scary about that?

Having to return to my real life

and waking up beside your bloated corpse

every f*cking day of my life.

Your turn boy, tell us
a spooky f*cking story.

Narrator: Kevin wasn't
sure if he had a story

as spooky and scary as the
one's his parents told.

Mostly because he hadn't
bothered listening,

because years of exposure
to their drunken ramblings

had pretty much proven
that they were boring

and full of sh*t.

But Kevin didn't want to look like a loser

in front of the two
second rate porn actors

so he figured he'd give it his best shot

and tell them about the scariest thing

that had ever happened to him.

[chatter]
[cheerful music]

It was Kevin's first day of grade nine.

He really wanted to fit in,

so he'd gone out and stolen clothes

exactly like the ones he'd
seen a rock band wearing

on their album cover.

Unfortunately, it was a Bay
City Rollers album from 1974

so Kevin didn't really fit in.

[murmurs] my a*s,
didn't I f*cking tell you?

Narrator: Kevin told his
imaginary friend to screw off

since he was still able to
control him at the time.

And Kevin figured he'd
hammer back 10 ounces of gin

before his first class,
just to take the edge off.

By about ounce seven Kevin
figured he'd skip his first class

and go hang out in the cafeteria instead.

[burps]

So it's like I was saying,

there is no point in getting an education

unless you wanna end up stuck in a cave

fighting ninja bears with
a wiffel ball bat, right?

Good, so how's about we get on with plan B

and go rob some houses,
that's a real man's job.

Let's hide all the valuables
under our underpants.

No one will ever think to look there.

Rich people so stupid.

Narrator: Kevin told Allen
that he thought the underpants

were the best things he'd stolen.

Yeah, that great Kevin, underpants.

[chill music]

A liquor cabinet, well
spotted broken head.

[chugging]

Uh oh, quick let's
hide, bring the booze!

Narrator: Kevin and
Allen both hid inside

one of the kitchen cupboards.

Kevin didn't much like the idea
of being stuck in a cupboard

but by the looks of things
he was going to be there

for a right long time.

Why don't you guys wash
up before dinner okay?

[Son And Daughter] Okay Dad!

[gentle piano music]

Good day?

Yeah, things are running
smoothly at the office.

Make sure you get Ashley to
tell you her about her test.

She's so proud of herself.

I mean it wasn't highest mark,

but it's the best mark I've ever gotten!

I got an 85 in calculus!

You did great Ashley, good for you!

[cheerful music]

[chugging]

[laughter]

[door slams]

What the f*ck's so scary about that?

Narrator: Kevin told them

that most frightening thing about it all

was having to walk home after seeing it.

Why was it scary, did you
see a monster [chuckles]?

Probably just in his head [cackles]!

[wolf howling]

♪ Kevin Spencer, something's
wrong with that kid ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer, his head
don't work it never did ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer, he's a teen
smoking alcoholic sociopath ♪

♪ Sociopath ♪

Boy: It's a Gremlin

but I painted it just like the
one on "Starsky and Hutch".

[bubbles popping]