04x14 - Chile

[bunniefuu]

[gentle music]

[engine buzzing]

Man: Yee hah!

[soft music]

Nah, nothing exciting
f*cking ever happens to us.

That's 'cause the whole world stupid.

It's full of stupid people who are stupid.

I f*cking hate them all.

Jeez that make me mad!

[wacky music]

I gotta go get another cheeseburger.

Hey, get me more
fries with triple gravy.

Oh, and another diet pop.

Narrator: Kevin told him
Mom that he was bored too.

And that maybe it would be fun

if they did something
different for a change.

[soft music]

Wow!

Look at you wantin' to do
family things together.

Ain't that sweet?

[bell ringing]

Narrator: Kevin told his mom,

that what he meant by different,

was that they should give him $40

and stay the hell out of his business.

Look, I don't wanna bust
your dreams or nothin',

but the only thing I ever
intended on giving you was life.

And since yous already got that,

then you can put a lid on it

and forget get anything else ever.

[ominous music]

Dad: Did you grow
on the back of potatoes

back there as*h*le?

I can't take them out
until the timer beeps

and tells me when they're done.

Look, sh*t pot, I
don't give a pig's a*s

about no damn beeping crab.

Just hand over some goddam
fries before I smack ya.

If you don't stop harassing me sir,

I'm going to call the
mall security on you.

Ooh, mall Cop.

Ooh, mall Cop.

I'm so scared.

You leave him alone, bully.

Easy, dage?

Like the whole world's against me.

Screw all of yous, I've had it.

Hey, where's my fries at?

Screw the fries!

Screw society!

Screw everything!

We's leaving it all behind.

Narrator: Kevin didn't
much like the sounds of that.

So, he told the old man that
if it was all the same to him,

he'd just go on living
in the house by himself.

I don't like you anymore
than you like me Kevin,

but your child support

is the only steady pay check we've got.

Ergo, you go, where we go.

Jeez!

Percy's, yous almost
sounded smart saying that.

Yeah.

I wonder how that happend?

[soft music]

[c*ck crowing]

[birds chirping]

sh*t, that means we's gotta move

all this sh*t back into the house.

f*ck it!

The garbage man will get it.

That's their f*cking job.

Besides, who cares?

We're getting the hell out
of this country for good.

Too many of them stupid,
f*cking, dumb stupids

runnin' around doing dumb things.

f*ck, they just keep pushing my button.

I swear to God, one of these days...

[screaming]

I'm going to bed.

See you in the morning.

[screaming]

[wacky music]

[c*ck crowing]

Narrator: Kevin thought
it was nice of his mom

to remember to bring him the milk.

But he didn't bother to tell her.

How's your hand?

Swelling's going down.

Narrator: Kevin told the old man

that his hand didn't look so good,

and that he should probably see a doctor.

Breakfast of champions, hey boy.

Doctors.

Them people don't know sh*t.

They's all just looking to screw hard work

and folks like you and
me out of our dough.

Call a check, check jaded b*stard.

Jeez, it burns my a*s.

I mean just one.

[electronic music]

[screaming]

Yoinks!

That's it!

The Spencer's are getting
the f*ck out of this country.

But we ain't got no money.

You leave that up to me.

[somber music]

[helicopter engine roaring]

[airplane engine roaring]

[gentle music]

I still don't know
how you done it Percy.

All that money.

That ain't important.

All that matters is we's here.

And loaded!

Free booze, my God!

It was like a f*cking dream.

If Heaven's half way as good
as first class, k*ll me now.

Sir, you'll have to
extinguish that cigarette.

This is a non-smoking flight.

[chuckles]

What are they gonna do?

Throw me off the plane?

Loser!

Freeze!

[ominous music]

It was the boy, I swear.

[dramatic music]

Is that true, little man?

Narrator: Kevin told the guard

he hadn't done anything wrong.

But if they were looking
for the fat, obnoxious drunk

who was stealing from the liquor cart,

slapping the stewardess on the can

and smoking during the flight,

then it was his old man they were after.

You fank!

I ain't gonna forget this, boy.

Narrator: Then Kevin
told the man with a g*n,

that Percy has stolen all his money

that he was going to give to an orphanage,

right before they got off the plane.

Here you go, you
great, noble humanitarian.

Narrator: Kevin thanked the
guard for getting his cash.

Then he asked them why he and the others

spoke perfect English, even
though they all lived in Chile.

Well, look kid, we're kinda busy here.

Scram!

[dramatic music]

Looks like it's just you and me boy,

and all that sweet, sweet cash.

[dramatic music]

What you thinking about, boy?

You little prick!

You get back here this instant.

[panting]

[airplane engine roaring]

[screaming]

[wacky music]

[ominous music]

Hey Pacho, you know the
rules about making weapons.

Give me the sharp stick.

Lousy screw.

Hey, if you've been
talking to my wife...

[laughing]

[crickets chirping]

It's funny because I'm
not good at f*cking.

Whoa, tough room.

[ominous guitar music]

[chuckles] that's a smart idea.

I gotta remember to floss more myself.

Who are you?

Percy B. Spencer.

Who are you?

Why are you here?

Just 'cause I smoked on a plane

and accidentally bumped
into the stewardess

with my crotch a couple of times.

Okay, seven.

But I was pretty loaded
and we was up really high,

so's I don't think my brain was getting

as much oxygen as it needed.

And then my kid, and let me
tell you that little as*h*le's

a real piece of f*cking work.

Little sh*t sets me up [mumbles].

I swear to God if I ever get
my hands on that little...

[screaming]

It occurs to me that you
may be a very stupid Man.

You don't know the half of it, pal.

You may prove to be useful yet.

Spare change.

Spare change.

Hey, help a lady out.

spare change.

I'm a stranded tourist.

Spare change.

f*ck all of yous, you hear me?

Each and every last one of you b*stards

can go straight to hell.

[ominous music]

Oh well, that's just f*cking perfect.

[gentle guitar music]

How much?

Come again?

You know, how much for you?

Leave me alone, freak.

Come on, how much?

Fine, maybe this'll get rid of ya.

I'll bone ya's for a 1000.

Oh!

Deal.

Hop in.

Holy sh*t!



What an idiot.

Yous gotta spring for the room too.

Something classy, a wet
bath and it's only sh*t up.

Well, there's that thing, Kevin.

I'm proud of you for finally sticking up

to your parents and
headin' off or your own.

And I might add, that your
timing was impeccable.

Yes sir-ee.

It's just you and me now, with our pockets

stuffed full of cash, lost in
the f*cking jungle of Chile.

Narrator: Harlan had
been riding Kevin's a*s

for almost four hours, and he
was getting pretty sick of it.

So he told the bird, if he didn't like it,

then he could go find
another head to live in.

That's a problem in a nutshell, stupid.

I can't!

I'm part of your psyche.

You and me, we stuck with each other.

But since we're gonna
starve to death soon,

I guess it don't matter too much.

Narrator: Kevin told the
bird that they wouldn't starve

because he remembered seeing something

called a salad once on TV,

and it looked the whole lot like a plant.

So as near as he could figure,

all they had to do was eat
some of the nearby plants

and they'd be fine.

[dramatic music]

Well then, how's about
you start eatin' already.

The bird's getting dizzy.

Narrator: Because Kevin wasn't

a classically trained botanist,

he didn't realize that
the plant he was eating

was a datura plant,

which was highly hallucinogenic
and caused sever confusion,

and a coma-like dream state

that left the user utterly immobilized.

The sad part was, that even if he was

a classically trained botanist,

he still would have picked the same plant.

[birds chirping]

[goats howling]

Crikey, look at that.

Those are keblets, wild
goats to you and me.

Lets go in for a closer look.

[wacky music]

That was a nasty fall,

but did you see those keblets run?

Beautiful.

They're one of God's
most graceful creatures,

but they are timid.

Nothing scares them more
then a full grown Aussie,

with a great gut full of fosters.

Hang on, what's this?

Now, here's something really rare.

Boy, are we in for a treat?

The teenage Caucasian alcoholic.

They're almost never seen
in these parts of Chile.

Lets poke him in the head with a stick

and see what happens.

[dramatic music]

[screaming]

[gentle guitar music]

Gentleman, I'd like you to meet

my new cell mate, Percy Spencer.

He's going to help us out
with a little problem we have.

How's it going, hey?

Hey, you got any extra smokes?

Pacho, is it wise to bring in another

this late in the game?

We have no choice.

No, no!

I know, but this, this man,

this new cell mate of yours,
he is fat and stupid, no?

And he is an outsider.

He doesn't know the ways of our country.

Sh, keep you voice down.

He speaks English.

Look, don't sweat it fellas.

I've probably broken more locks
than all you guys combined.

Come with us Mr. Spencer.

There's something we have to show you.

Hang on!

The last time I was in the joint,

some guy said that exact same thing to me

and I ended up, you know...

[wacky music]

Rest assured, Percy.

Even if my friends and
I were the type of men

to engage in such activities,

we wouldn't choose you.

You are too fat and ugly and unwashed.

And don't forget it.

How much for a room?



What?

For $20000 I can buy this f*cking dump.

Yes, you could.

But this is Chile, and it
is 20000 pesos a night.

You see, 500 of our pesos

equals only one of your Canadian dollars.

So you see, our prices
are the best deal in town.

I hate to break it to you pal,

but I just gave away
the best deal in town.

What the f*ck am I gonna do now?

I ain't got enough money, my kid run off,

my fat brick of husband's in jail,

I'm stranded, you gotta help me mister.

I am afraid there is nothing I can do.

Now please, if you do
not possess the means

to stay at our fine
establishment, then go.

c*cksucker!

[dramatic music]

No!

Here.

Thanks, I just gotta
take a few travelers too.

My name is Merv.

You don't look like no Merv.

My mother was a huge fan

of the old, "Merv Griffin Show".

I don't mean to be presumptuous but,

I overheard your dilemma back there.

I'd like to help out.

Okay, but I'm charging
five thousand pesos now.

Oh, no, no, no.

That's not it.

I was thinking we could
help each other out.

I can provide you with
financial assistance,

and in turn, you can put me
in contact with your husband.

I overheard he was in
jail and as it happens,

I need a favor from someone
currently incarcerated.

Think of it as a business partnership.

So's yous just not feeding
me some cheap song and dance

so's you can try and get me in the sack?

I swear to you, my
intentions are purely honorable.

No deal then.

You throw in some grade A
boot-knocking, you'll do.

And maybe some buddies of yours,

don't matter too much, and
I'll talk to my husband.

Otherwise, leave the smokes and piss off.

[wacky music]
Ah.

Okay.

I'll ask around.

See what I can do.

Narrator: Kevin was
still drilled on datura,

and he'd been hallucinating
for several days.

Normally, the effects
didn't last that long,

which annoyed Kevin, because
he kept having to eat more.

[howling]

Look at me Kevin, I'm coming.

Help me Kevin, I got a monkey on my back.

Narrator: Then Kevin got tired.

So, he slipped into a drug-induced comma

and collapsed to the ground.

[dramatic music]

Look.

My God, the legend is true.

I'm rich, rich beyond my wildest dreams.

Man, I can't believe
you agreed to this sh*t.

What?

These outfits.

They're degrading and demeaning.

It reeks of the ingrained racism

entrenched in all nations,

who's history is rife with colonization.

Look, we needed the
money, and I didn't see you

getting off your a*s looking for work.

I'm trying to pay off my
education, thank you very much.

A BA in Fine Arts, wow!

The upper echelon of academia.

You b*tch!
Shh.

Here he comes.

Quick, act native.

A hunt more successful
than my wildest dreams

could have envisaged.

Take me home, my good men.

I have an appointment with history.

[soft guitar music]

The tunnel is accessible

through the floor of the confessional.

Check.

The guards allow us 13
minutes a day to honor our God.

Check.

We need you to go first.

Why me?

That way you can check
if the coast is clear.

See, they won't sh**t you
because you're new here.

If you get caught, all you
have to do is play dumb

and say you didn't know
it was against the rules

to dig a tunnel.

If we tried that, then
they'd just sh**t us on the spot

because we've been here so long,

there's no way we wouldn't
know about the tunnel rule.

Well, that makes sense.

Okay, I'll do it.

[ominous music]

You're a good man, Percy.

Thanks, you guys are alright.

Well, we're going to stay
a while and pray, Percy.

Why don't you head back to your cell?

I left a bottle of
liquor under your pillow

as a welcoming present.

[wacky music]

Can he really be that stupid?

[screaming]

Well, that scratched the itch.

Now, let's get down to business.

[ominous music]

I need you to get a
hold of your husband.

Some former coworkers
of mine are serving time

in the same prison.

They are planning an escape.

What, are they short one
fat drunk to pull it off?

No.

I need one fat drunk to make
sure they never get out.

I wish to double cross them

and keep the money we
stole together for myself.

Here's how it has to go down.

First, he must talk to the warden...

[gentle music]

Give me the phone, I'll do it.

[wacky music]

Call this number.

[phone ringing]

Hello?

Percy it's me.

Those b*stards.

Tell Merv, I'll do it
if he buys yous and me

a plane ticket home.

And gives us 100000 pesos.

That's only like 100 bucks Canadian.

I know.

[soft guitar music]

Percy should be on his way by now.

Here's your plane tickets and the money.

As soon as your husband appears, we go.

I'll drop you off a few
miles down the road.

Another driver will pick you
up and take you to the airport.

[wacky music]

Hey, yous wanna have
a go while we're waiting?

No.

[loud farting]

Excuse me.

[wacky music]

There he is.

[upbeat music]

[wacky music]

$85, what a f*cking jib.

I told you, you should
have asked for more.

Hey, look at the boy.

Oh yeah, I was wondering
what happened to him.

Experts can't say for sure

how long the boy was in the jungle,

but given his severely
stunted social skills,

and his overwhelmingly
primitive understanding

of manners and hygiene,

they estimate that he may well have been

raised by apes since infancy.

So far, he appears
to be completely mute.

However, we feel that with
an intensive training regime

and moderate electroshock therapy,

we can train him to a sufficient level

that I will be able to put him on display

at freak shows and carnivals
all around the world.

[wacky music]

[laughing]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ 'cause I don't like it never did ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ He better not drop his path ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ He's a teen f*cking
alcoholic sociopath ♪

♪ Sociopath ♪

Percy: Well, let's see,

I'm a Sagittarius, I like drinking.