[jolly musical whistling]
[speeding engine]
[foot tapping]
[loud laughing]
Hee
haw!
[cars crashing]
[loud jazz music]
[glass breaking]
[happy horn music]
Hey! Hey!
What?
You're messing up my lawn!
And that's my leaf blower!
[deep trombone music]
So?
What do you mean 'so'?
You can't just go into my
garage and take things,
you ignorant man.
Why not?
Ain't no f*cking law against it.
Yes there is, you fat buffoon.
I'll just tell the
cops you've lent it to me.
Your word against mine.
Who they gonna believe?
Oh, look!
Just give me back the leaf blower
and I'll forget the whole thing.
Oh yeah so then you can
just blow all them leaves
back into my yard.
Where's that leave me, huh?
I don't think so.
I won't.
I promise.
Well you seem like a
trustworthy fella and all.
And since you was kind
enough to lend it to me,
I tell you what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna call you a stupid, f*cking
full-of-sh*t a-hole liar
and throw your dumb weed machine
as hard as I can onto the road.
You stupid, f*cking
full-of-sh*t a-hole liar!
[rumbling timpani music]
[descending blow whistle]
[loud crashing]
[perky piano music]
You're gonna pay for that,
Percy Spencer!
Percy Spencer don't
pay for nothing, as*h*le.
So f*ck off!
[sad trumpet music]
[happy trumpet music]
[triumphant laughter]
[bright chiming piano]
Hey, ma, come here!
Ma!
[door opens]
[quick violin music]
Jesus! I was trying
to sleep, you idiot!
What the hell do you want?
Come here and look at this.
[piano music]
[footsteps on grass]
It's a house, Percy! So what?
Just like always, you's
missing the f*cking point.
Look at that right there.
That glass thingy.
[mysterious piano music]
It's a window, Percy!
I know what it is, woman!
But if there's a window there
that means there must be a room behind it.
I ain't following you, Percy.
Come here.
[chime music]
See there's the living room, right?
And the kitchen's down there, right?
Yeah, where the beers is, right?
That's the place you'd cook in
if you ever got off your lazy fat a*s
and made a meal around here.
Right.
And then there's the
upstairs where we sleep.
But the window's over there.
So that must mean there's another room
on the other side of this wall.
Jesus Christ, Percy!
I think yous right.
I wonder how you'd get there.
[horn music]
How long them boxes been there?
Nine years.
Wow! I bet the door's behind them.
Come on! Let's move 'em!
Yeah. Like I'm lifting stuff.
Find yourself another sucker.
Who knows what's behind there, Percy?
It's like a treasure hunt.
[clapping] Maybe the room
is filled with diamonds!
Or them mirrors you get at the fair
with the rock band names on them.
Man, that'd be sweet.
We's probably only
gotta move a few of them
so's we can crawl through.
Can't we just get the boy to do it
or hire someone or something?
Use your f*cking head, Percy.
The boy don't know the room is there.
it could be like, uh, a secret place
where we could get away
from the little freak.
We could have our own secret beer fridge.
And smokes coming out of our assholes!
Hey, imagine what it'd be like
if you's could poo smokes instead of sh*t.
That's be something, eh?
[chuckling]
Percy: A guy like that
[humored laughter]
could write his own ticket.
Cash money, baby!
Probably even get on Mike Bullard.
That guy'll book anyone.
Shut the f*ck up and give me a hand!
[cinematic music]
[breaking glass]
[heavy breathing]
Holy sh*t!
You was right, Percy!
Of course I was.
When you's gonna learn?
Keep going. f*ck, I wanna see!
[mysterious music]
[carpet shuffling]
Ma: Holy sh*t!
[bright transition music]
[group chatter]
[German accent] All right class.
Who would like to go first?
[vibrant piano music]
[chuckling]
Uh, okay. You in the orange shirt.
[sporadic music]
[southern accent] Uh oh.
This ain't gonna work out.
You need to make an incision
first using the scalpel.
[flute music]
[clinking]
That's not a scalpel.
That's a piece of chalk.
[clink sound]
Stethoscope.
[crumpling sound]
[sighs] My lunch.
[clinking sound]
Yes!
[eerie orchestral music]
[ding sound]
[descending music]
That's not how you make a proper incision.
You're not actually a
student of medicine, are you?
Narrator: Kevin told the professor
[funky music]
that he wasn't a student.
But that he was auditing the course.
Because he hoped to be a
doctor himself one day.
Well, I appreciate your eagerness,
but I must state you're just going to have
to wait until you have
finished high school.
[classroom laughter]
And an appropriate
undergraduate degree.
Narrator: Kevin told the
man that it wasn't real likely
he was ever going to finish high school
because he'd pretty much stopped going
about halfway through grade nine.
Then perhaps you
should be thinking about
a profession more suited to
your academic experience.
Narrator: Kevin told the
man he wasn't real interested
in thinking about anything
or having any kind of profession,
since only assholes had jobs.
[group outrage]
And that he was only there
because he kinda liked
looking at dead bodies.
Oh my god!
You're one of those freakin' sociopaths
we read about in Psych 101!
Come on!
Let's get him!
[ascending piano music]
[loud group chatter]
[muffled] Ah f*ck!
[blaring horn music]
[punching sound]
[quick trumpet crescendo]
[girl screams]
[eerie piano music]
[echoed] Jesus Christ, Kevin!
Just once I'd like to enjoy a whole hoagie
without you getting into a knife fight!
[outraged mob sounds]
Really?
The way I see things, that there window
is about your only option.
So have at it, broken head!
[urgent piano music]
[glass breaking]
[muted crash]
[random sound effects]
[lighter sound]
[exhale sound]
[high pitched coughing]
[growling]
[springy sounds]
[growling]
[random sound effects]
[calm transition music]
Oh, a fireplace. Look, Percy!
Now, that's f*cking classy.
That's what that is.
You ain't gotta tell me about class.
Man alive!
Did our house really
used to look like this?
Yeah, don't you remember
when wes first moved in?
No. I was drinking a lot back then.
Oh, that's right. I forgot
you used to have a problem.
Yes, sir. It was a real sweet,
f*cking place back then.
I blame the boy.
If we got rid of him,
this whole f*cking house
could look like this.
Well, if the whole place
used to look like this,
then I only got one question.
How in the name of f*ck
did we ever afford it?
Oh, well. Well, that's
an interesting story.
Let me just fire up the old corn cob pipe
and I'll tell you all about it.
Oh, what the f*ck?
[match lighting sound]
Mmm. That's some smooth tobacco.
Anyways, like I was saying.
[brisk harp decrescendo]
[traffic sounds]
It all happened many years ago,
when we was living in that
trailer under the bridge.
[glugging sound]
[door opening]
[cymbal crash]
What the f*ck you doing, idiot?
I slipped and fell on that f*cking step
you said you was gonna fix.
I'm still in the design phase.
When wes got married, Percy,
you promised me the
good life, god damn it.
And you was 50 pounds lighter.
Besides I don't remember giving
no specific dates on that,
so quit busting my chops.
Three f*cking years,
we've been living like this.
Three f*cking years, Percy,
tripping on the same step.
Day in, day out.
[smack sound]
f*cking think you'd be smart enough now
to step over the f*cking thing.
[loud trumpet music]
What's that?
I didn't say nothing.
Listen up, you useless as*h*le.
Untils you get us a real house to live in,
I'm cutting you off.
Yeah, like you ever buy
the f*cking booze around here.
I ain't talking about booze, Percy.
No house,
no poontang.
And before you start thinking
it don't mean nothing,
go take a long hard look in the mirror.
I may not be the best
piece of tail around,
but I'm pretty sure I'm the only one
who'll bang you regular.
[chuckles]
[harp music]
That's all fine and dandy, Percy,
but it still don't explain how
the f*ck we got this house.
Let me go grab some beers, first.
Fine, f*ck, just hurry up!
And bring me the whole
case and some smokes.
I should've left you
at the f*cking trailer.
[box shuffling]
[sneaky music]
[sneaky music]
[Refrigerator opening and closing]
What is that? Is that,
uh, is that one of them, uh,
is, uh, is that a wolverine or something?
[smooth bass trill]
[funky music]
Kevin told
his dad it was a badger
and that it was his new pet.
Then Kevin said if he wanted
to make something of it,
he'd be happy to go on street rules.
You and your pets.
Hey, remember that time
you had to sh**t your dog
'cause it was rabid?
Man, you bawled like a little baby.
[smooth bass trill]
[funky music]
Narrator: Kevin told the old man
that he'd never shot a rabid dog.
And he was probably thinking
of the movie "Old Yeller."
Oh yeah.
Hey, but I bet if you did have to sh**t
your favorite dog, you'd
cry like a little girl, ay?
Ay, cry baby? You're gonna cry now, baby?
Boo hoo hoo hoo hoo, I'm a cry baby!
[glass breaking]
Nice shot, cry baby.
Anyway, me and wide a*s
is going out for a while.
So if you're hungry, I
left them dine-and-dash
instructions on the fridge.
So you's on your own.
[sneaky music]
See ya, boy!
[door opens and slams shut]
Masterful, Percy!
Absolutely masterful.
[sneaky music]
[angry music]
[echoed] Quit transferring
the rage you's feel for daddy
to me and get this rope off my neck.
[wings flapping]
[lighter sound]
What's with the f*cking gopher?
[funky music]
Narrator: Kevin told
Allen that the gopher
was his new pet.
And that he was going to
train it to be an assassin
or do tricks like fetch and roll over.
That's fantastic, Kevin.
Now how's about you get
your daddy's instructions
and you and me go stick it to
some high class restaurant?
That a boy!
But we's gonna have to
find you a proper suit.
So they's let you in.
Classy restaurants only let you in
if you's wearing a jacket and tie.
[fast running sound]
[funky music]
Narrator: Kevin asked
Allen what the general policy
was at classy restaurants
concerning live animals
taped to your head.
Yeah, we just gonna have
to play that one by ear.
[funky music]
[cheerful music]
[glugging sound]
[glass shattering]
Oh, now that's the
stuff. So keep going.
How'd we get this place, anyway?
Well you's kept harping on
me to find us a better place to
day in and day out.
Until finally I had it up to
my a*s with your bitching.
[descending harp music]
Right up to here, pudgy.
Up yours. I'm medium-boned.
For a buffalo, maybe.
[thunder rolling]
[rain pouring]
[door slamming]
[doorknob turning]
[slow trumpet music]
Let me in!
Ma: Ah, f*ck off!
Let me in, woman. I'm getting wet!
You find me a better house
or else you f*ck off for good,
Percy B. Spencer!
Up yours! I'm going drinking.
Toss my wallet out!
Ma: Once again, f*ck off!
Fine. I don't need no money anyway.
Maybe you's forgetting my fool-proof
dine-and-dash instructions.
[rolling thunder]
[sad music]
[doorknob shaking]
[rolling thunder]
[pouring rain]
Finally, f*ck.
[door opening and closing]
[footsteps]
[calm music]
Sign says you're open.
Yes it does.
Can I get you a drink to start with?
Give me four bottles of
your best imported beer.
So you's a m*dget, eh?
Technically.
My dwarfism derives from a
melody known, in medical circles,
as Achondroplasia.
Yeah well, I chondro don't give a f*ck.
I was just making nice
'cause I'm wet and hungry.
So how's about you put a lid on it
and bring me them beers?
Of course.
[footsteps]
as*h*le.
[door opening]
[footsteps]
Miserable night out there, eh?
f*ck off!
[sentimental music]
[birps]
Will there be anything else?
Uh, just a moment.
[medium-paced music]
[ticking sound]
[thunder]
[chair creak]
[quick xylophone music]
I don't think so, pal.
You owe me $250!
I I I left my wallet in the car.
I will be back in a moment.
Bullshit!
I mean, I have to put
my money in the meter.
I will be back in a moment.
Look you thieving f*ck,
you ain't getting out of
here until I get my money
and if you don't have it,
then I'm calling the cops.
Narrator: Percy didn't know what to do.
He didn't have anywhere
near that kind of money.
And he didn't figure he ever would.
Quit stalling as*h*le.
Give me the money!
[rumbling cinematic music]
Narrator: Then it occurred to Percy
that he was a whole lot
bigger than the m*dget.
[bright piano music]
So he picked him up and
threw him across the bar.
[waiter screams]
[glass shatters]
Holy sh*t!
[glugging sound]
Nice throw!
You didn't see nothing, pal.
I seen a lot of guys throw midgets,
but I ain't never seen
someone throw one that far.
You should, uh, you should
enter one of them contests.
[scoffs] Contests are for losers.
I'm just saying,
a man with your talents for throwing
a small sized human being that far
could make himself some nice coin.
Let me get this straight.
There's a place where I can
throw midgets across the room
and, instead of getting
arrested, I can get some cash?
They got a contest
down at The Ret*rded Elk
every Friday night.
Man, that sounds sweet.
You thinking of, uh, entering?
f*ck off!
[fast-paced harp music]
If abusing midgets gets you a house,
then I'd have real-estate
coming out my a*s.
Cut to the f*cking chase already.
Keep in your pants, fatty,
I's gotta take a leak first.
[quizzical music]
[glugging sound]
[urinating sound]
[funky music]
Narrator: Kevin had
just finished the best meal
of hot dogs and Poutine he'd ever had.
So he figured it was
high time he got around
to reading his father's
dine-and-dash instructions.
So he could high tail it out of there
without having to pay.
[quizzical music]
Kevin got confused. He
really wanted to get going.
But he didn't see any midgets anywhere.
Then he figured it would
be a whole lot easier
just to create a diversion and slip away
when no one was looking.
So he set the tablecloth
at the next table on fire
and pointed the finger at someone else.
[bright accordion music]
Spiffing the restaurant for the bill
was a whole lot easier
than Kevin had imagined.
And he got to thinking about
all the other cool things
he could get by creating diversions.
[wailing sirens]
[funky music]
[squealing car tires]
[glass crashing]
[wailing sirens]
[devious laughter]
Narrator: The more
Kevin thought about it,
the more he lost interest
since it seemed like whole lot
of walking and heavy lifting.
So he figured he'd just still
some prescription cough syrup
from a nearby doctor's office
and go to the park and see
if he could get more hammered
than he'd ever been.
Kevin felt pretty good about
himself for thinking that
because normally he wasn't
the kind of kid who set goals.
[funky music]
[light-spirited music]
[zipper sound]
[window closing]
So the next Friday, I
headed down to The Ret*rded Elk
figuring on throwing me some midgets.
[descending harp music]
Where them f*cking midgets at?
It's 10 in the morning, we just opened.
m*dget toss isn't until nine tonight.
Oh, well then give me a jug of draft.
I'll wait.
[bouncy music]
So's I sat in that same
stool all day drinking draft
and the drunker I got the more I wanted
[glugging sound]
to get my hands on a m*dget.
So by the time the contest rolled around
I was as loaded as I'd ever been
and I was just itching
to throw a f*cking dwarf.
And to the winner goes a check for $500
and a chance to move
to the regional finals!
[crowd cheering]
[murmuring drunkenly]
f*cking hate you.
I'll throw all of you!
Who would like to go first?
[yelling loudly]
[yelling loudly]
[dramatic trombone music]
[troubled wailing]
[glass shattering]
Yeah, so, uh, why don't
we just call it a night
and here you go.
[crowd cheering]
[triumphant music]
Percy: For the first time in my life,
I felt like I finally figured out
why God put me on this earth.
My internal rage and
lifelong hatred of midgets
combined to make me unbeatable.
[triumphant music]
[punching sound]
Finally the big day of the finals arrived
and it was just down to two of us.
Me and some backwoods freak hillbilly.
None of the local midgets wanted to have
anything to do with it.
But, luckily, the contest
organizer was able
to buy one from some circus
bankruptcy sale some place.
The stage was set.
[crowd cheering]
Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to the first annual nationwide
m*dget Tossing Championships!
Having won the toss, Delroy Limpard
is elected to throw first!
[gobbling noise]
[stadium crowd cheering]
[blaring horn music]
[deep grunting]
[high-pitched wailing]
[landing and sliding sound]
[alarm sound]
[crowd cheering]
[cheery bluegrass music]
[sirens wailing]
Percy: The crowd went wild
and who could blame them?
That's what they'd come there to see.
But then it was my turn
and they fell silent in anticipation.
I don't mind telling you I was scared.
I'd thrown a lot of midgets in my time,
but I'd never come close to throwing one
as far as Delroy had.
But there was a quarter
million dollars at stake
and I aimed to give it my best shot.
I could feel the crowd inching
forwards in their seats,
getting nervous.
I took one last deep breath
and grabbed the m*dget.
That's when I noticed the sign.
[awkward trombone music]
I got to thinking,
you always busted my a*s for a real house.
And since there was no way
I was gonna beat Delroy, anyway,
I kicked the m*dget in the
knob and took the house.
[crowd booing]
f*ck off and give me my house!
[descending harp music]
Jesus, Percy. You done all that
so's you could get a house for me?
[sentimental music]
Yeah, I guess so.
Come here, baby. You
fat, handsome drunk.
[sentimental music]
[rubbing sound]
Percy: For you and because
I like hitting midgets.
Ma: Who don't, Percy? Who don't?
[upbeat snare music]
♪ Kevin Spencer ♪
♪ [Percy] Something's
wrong with that kid ♪
♪ Kevin Spencer ♪
♪ [Ma] His head don't work and never did ♪
♪ Kevin Spencer ♪
♪ [Male Speaker] You
better not cross his path ♪
♪ Kevin Spencer ♪
♪ [Allen] He's a teen,
smoking, alcoholic sociopath ♪
♪ Sociopath! ♪
[snorting sound]
[blaring electric guitar]
[underwater bubble noises]
[bouncy music]
[laughing]
Yee haa!
[car collision]
[crowd cheers]
[snoring]
Your mum and dad gonna
want anything for last call?
I gotta hand it to you
Spencer, you sure can drink.
[rock music]
[comical music]
[heart beating]
Jug of draft and six shots of whisky.
The law says am not
allowed to serve someone
who is visibly intoxicated.
But am gonna make an
exception this one time.
f*cking A.
[gulping]
♪ Ecstasy ♪
♪ Ecstasy ♪
♪ Ecstasy ♪
Crowd: Oh yeah!
[crowd cheering]
[suspenseful music]
So what's with the getup,
you loose a bet and have
to dress up like an idiot?
Don't you know who I am?
Can't say that I do pal.
Am this country's
greatest substance abuse
and welfare broaden crime fighter.
[spits]
Is that right?
Yeah, that's right.
Only I've been hearing
rumors back where am from,
there's some other guy around these parts
that's saying the same
thing about himself.
Some sh*t-hole calling
himself Drunken Welfare Man.
You know anything about that?
I've seen him around.
You expecting him in any time soon?
He don't keep me posted on his hours.
[vomits]
Well am gonna be
hanging around these parts
until that yellow-bellied
coward shows himself.
You see him,
you tell him Alcoholic-Welfare-man
is looking for him.
You know,
you just puked all over yourself.
Oh it's nothing pal,
you just wait until I
get a proper load on.
Then you'll see a man swimming
in his own excretions.
A real man.
So,
you want another round then?
Always.
Okay.
♪ Ecstasy ♪
[engine running]
[glass breaking]
[jazzy hip-hop music]
♪ Another east-coast track ♪
Narrator: Kevin didn't
know who the man was.
And his heart was racing a mile a minute.
Mostly because he'd just
eaten a handful of pills
and a little because he
was scared and nervous.
[water splashes]
Relax kid.
I an't gonna hurt you.
My name's Clarence.
Narrator: Kevin told Clarence
that he'd be sure to remember that.
Just in case the occasion ever came up,
where he gave a flying f*ck.
Then he asked the man if he
could lend him 70 dollars.
No.
But I tell you what?
I may have a way
where you could make a
whole lot more than that.
Interested?
Narrator: Kevin wasn't
sure it was a great idea
to listen to strange men in the park,
offering him money to do things.
It was the kind if thing
that happened to him a lot.
And he remembered asking his father
for advise about it once.
I don't give a f*ck what you do boy.
[door opens]
Ma: Percy.
Oh sh*t here comes Ma.
If she asks tell her the wh*re
in daddy's bedroom is yours.
You go stall her whilst I get
out of my f*cking clothes.
I watched your work at
the pharmacy back there.
Gutsy, efficient, devoid of morality.
And an almost blinding
lack of consideration
for the potential consequences.
So, you're just the kind of
man I've been looking for.
Would you like to come with me?
Narrator: Kevin thought
about it for a minute,
and then he told Clarence
that he would go along.
As long as wherever it was they were going
wasn't non smoking.
You can smoke as much as you like
and, we've got g*ns too.
Narrator: Wow, Kevin thought.
Smokes and g*ns.
Then Kevin asked Clarence if
he'd like to be his new daddy.
[upbeat music]
Closing time Anastasia.
Come on, up and at em.
Hey,
Marty.
Geez it's been a while
since I woke up beside you.
Did we do it or what?
[eerie music]
What's that?
She uh, must have been dreaming Percy.
It don't mean nothing.
What the hell is going on?
Oh I'll tell you what's going on.
You've been banging Marty
behind my back again ain't cha?
Marty loves me more
than you ever could.
Ain't that right Marty?
I swear Percy I ain't been with her
since that time you caught us
and them two Puertorican
guys having that four way.
Yeah well what I think
is you is full of sh*t.
And maybe you is need a
good old fashion beating
so is you learn your lesson.
[ominous music]
Not so fast you f*cking fat slob.
Who the hell are you?
Who am I?
[upbeat music]
♪ Who's the hero on the loose ♪
♪ Covered in puke and pissing boots ♪
♪ Defying the government wherever he can ♪
♪ Alcoholic-Welfare man ♪
Wherever there's crime you'll find me.
Wherever there's someone in need of help,
you'll find me.
If someone is being oppressed,
I'll be there.
If the bar is still
serving, I'll be drinking.
If you turn your back,
I'll steal your booze.
That's who I am.
Shut your f*cking face hole
and mind your own g*dd*mn business.
[glass breaking]
Oh jeez,
my f*cking hero.
That's right.
[vomits]
I'll be back in here later
today for first call.
And remember, if you see
that as*h*le imposter,
Drunken-Welfare man tell him
there's a new sheriff in town.
I suggest we get the
introductions over with
and get down to business.
To ensure our safety
should something go wrong.
We all use nicknames.
None of us knows the true
identity of any of the others.
This is The Nose,
[sniffles]
for obvious reasons.
This is Kneecap because
of his nasty habit of
breaking the kneecaps of
anyone who betrays him.
Can you guess what my name is?
Narrator: Kevin thought
about it for a minute,
and then he said as
near as he could figure.
The man's nickname was probably
Stupid Ugly f*cking as*h*le.
This is Johnny Thumps,
you'd do well to stay on his good side.
Narrator: Kevin told
the man that he was sorry,
and that he'd only said that because
he was starting to sober up
and not thinking straight.
Then he asked Clarence
why he used his real name,
when everyone else had nicknames.
Clarence is my nickname.
Its because of my uncanny resemblance
to famed television actor
Clarence Williams III.
Otherwise know as the black
guy, on The Mod Squad.
Don't ask. Trust me
So I guess before we go any further
we'd better pick a nickname
for our new associate.
You got a nickname kid?
Narrator: Kevin told the man
that a lot of his psychiatrist
and parole officers
used to call him Demon seed.
Mostly because he didn't
have a conscience.
Especially when it came to hurting people
and stealing things.
Which were two of his most
favorite things to do.
[laughs maniacally]
That's great, Demon seed.
So now that we all know each other,
let's get down to business.
We hit the bank at nine thirty sharp.
The minute it opens.
Kneecap you're in first.
You take the guard down immediately.
Thumps you've got the manager.
Nose you take the tellers,
my man on the inside will
make sure the safe is unlocked
and its security alarms are by passed.
I'll hit the safety deposit boxes.
Demon seed, you're the wheelman.
We'll be inside for ten minutes exactly.
I want you out front in a
car at precisely nine forty.
Have another car lined up so
we can ditch the first one
A-S-A-P.
Any questions?
[whimsical music]
Yes, Demon seed.
Narrator: Kevin asked Clarence
how the nose got his nickname.
[sniffles]
He has a big nose.
Narrator: Kevin thought
about it for a while,
then he told all the men that
he just didn't see the connection.
[upbeat music]
Hey, how come we ain't
never got nothing to eat?
Coz we are poor
and we spend all our
money on booze and smokes.
Speaking of which, you got a light?
[farts loudly]
f*ck Ma, how much draft
did you have last night?
Like I remember. That
was some fun night huh?
I especially like the part when
that superhero guy kicked you in the head.
I ain't laughed that hard in years.
What?
Geez you don't remember that?
I don't remember nothing
after that fat ugly stripper
gave me that lap dance.
That wasn't no lap dance as*h*le.
I was wrestling you for the last smoke.
Did I win?
Yeah.
[cheering]
I am the greatest.
If you was the greatest
you wouldn't have dropped
like a sack of sh*t
when that guy kicked'cha.
Whatever reputations yous had,
went right out the f*cking
window with that one.
I could have taken that guy.
That ain't what he said.
He said he was the toughest,
most alcoholic welfare cheat there was.
And he dared anyone to prove it different.
Oh what I could tell just looking at him.
He had a way bigger unit than you do.
That's it.
It's time that there Alcoholic-Welfare man
learned what a real problem drinking
pants-pissing welfare cheat looks like.
Ma,
get my suit.
Get it yourself as*h*le.
Fine, but I'll remember this.
No you won't,
you drink too much to remember anything.
That's right, and don't you forget it.
Why not,
you will.
So I guess you see my point then.
[intense percussive music]
[epic music]
Time to lay down the law.
[epic music]
[dramatic music]
Hey Marty,
I hear some as*h*le calling
himself Alcoholic-Welfare man's
been calling me out.
Well it's time he learnt who
the real boss around here is.
Drunken-Welfare man is gonna beat the life
outta that imposter.
Then he's gonna get drunker
than any man you ever seen.
Then he's gonna throw up on
the floor in the men's room,
and and he may even piss his own pants.
Holy f*ck you're some
kinda hero I'll give you that.
So where is this as*h*le?
He just passed out drunk in the corner.
[snoring]
Pf ft! Passed out. f*ck it
ain't even nine o'clock yet.
f*cking p*ssy.
Well,
he's been in here since we
opened at ten this morning.
I've seen a lotta drinking in my time.
But that guy's some kinda genius.
You ain't seen nothing yet pal.
Gimme a jug of draft
and a bottle of vodka.
Oh it's against the law
for me to serve you a whole bottle.
But since you're doing this for
the greater good of mankind.
Am gon look the other way.
[epic music]
[comical music]
[thuds on the floor]
Keep it down f*ck.
Which one of you assholes just woke me up?
Geez you just missed the
greatest half hour of drinking
I've ever seen.
Greatest my a*s.
Gimme two of everything he
has and a f*cking stop watch.
I'll show you how a real
crime fighting alcoholic superhero drinks.
[dramatic music]
[thuds on the floor]
[comical music]
[grunting]
It's like being in ancient times
and watching a duel
between two noble warriors.
[grunting]
Hey this ain't ladies night guys.
You having another round,
Or you want me to call the p*ssy
police to come and get you?
Gimme another [mumbles]. Beer.
Beer? f*ck me.
Gimme rye,
lots.
Now that's more like it.
Nice pants looser.
Yeah well, look at your
[slurs] f*cking pants.
I'll have you know,
I've pissed my own pants three time today.
And am about to do it again.
You try getting that drunk.
You ain't man enough.
Woops! Tough guy wet his pants.
Lemme show [slurs]
See that.
[disgusted]
I've been so loaded I've
had sex with her. Lots.
Sucks.
You call yourself an alcoholic?
For your information you fat sack of sh*t.
I can't even get it up no more.
Now that's drinking.
Well, we'll just see about that.
[gulping]
Narrator: Kevin had stolen
the best car he could find.
Which for Kevin meant
the one that was closest,
since he was never much for walking.
Unfortunately the car he had
stolen didn't run real well
and kept stalling.
Mostly because Kevin
had never really learnt
how to drive a stick.
Because all that shifting
seemed like a whole lotta work.
[gear squeals]
[dramatic music]
[dialing phone]
Two minutes more.
Move move move.
This just in.
Moments ago our police scanners
recorded a call to 9-1-1.
Apparently a bank robbery
is in progress as we speak.
We will get a camera
there as soon as possible,
so stay tuned for full coverage.
Bank robbery[slurs].
That sounds like a job for,
Drunken-Welfare man.
Oh no you don't.
This is gonna be Alcoholic-Welfare
man to the rescue.
Or my name ain't Alcoholic-welfare man.
Run like the wind you
unemployed alcoholic assholes,
like the wind.
[dramatic music]
Times up. Let's move out.
[police sirens wailing]
Demon seed, what the hell are you doing?
Narrator: Kevin told the man
he'd gotten bored sitting in the car,
so he'd gone over to check
out some shinny things.
Just get in and drive dammit.
Narrator: That's when
Kevin told his new friends
that he couldn't drive the car any more.
Because he couldn't remember
where he left the keys.
You f*cking looser.
[cars skidding]
[g*n c*ck]
Narrator: Kevin wasn't
real sure what was going on,
because he'd pretty much
stopped paying attention.
But he figured
he'd just pretend to be
an innocent bystander
so he wouldn't get arrested
or caught in the crossfire.
That idiot over there was in on it.
Honest he was the driver.
Narrator: Kevin told the cops,
gee wiz he didn't know
what the heck the mean man
was talking about.
[doors slam shut]
That was some quick thinking Kevin.
However your plan has one major flaw.
We still ain't got no
money to go to Happy land.
Narrator: Kevin told
the bird not to worry.
Because when he stole the car,
he'd also helped himself to all the change
the owner kept in the ashtray for parking.
Why did I ever doubt you Kevin.
[dramatic music]
Freeze.[pukes]
[shouts]
[thuds on the floor]
You f*cking [slurs] son of a.
[heart beats rapidly]
My f*cking heart.
[thuds on the floor]
And still champion.
♪ Kevin Spencer ♪
♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪
♪ Kevin Spencer ♪
♪ His head don't work, it never did ♪
♪ Kevin Spencer ♪
♪ You better not cross his path ♪
♪ Kevin Spencer ♪
♪ He's a teen f*cking
alcoholic sociopath ♪
♪ Sociopath ♪
Narrator: Hey,
why don't you show me
how a glue g*n works.
Oh that would be fascinating.
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