04x17 - Kevin's Girl

[bunniefuu]

[upbeat music]

Yee-haw.

[knocking]

We don't give to charity,

so f*ck off.

Step aside, Mr. Spencer,

we have a search warrant.

Not so fast,

I know my right.

You can't come in here

unless one of you's is the chosen one.

And then, and only then,

if the grand wizard
agrees to open the portal

so we can all return to the real world

instead of this damn alter-universe

full of doppelgangers.

What the hell are you talking about?

All right, I've been drinking

and watching the sci-fi channel

for almost 50 straight hours.

Pretty cool, hey?

What the hell is it exactly
you's A-holes is selling?

We're not selling anything,

we're the police.

We have a warrant to search your premises

on the suspicion of finding stolen goods.

Now get the hell out of the way.

Oh, the grand wizard
ain't gonna like this.

God, I love black market smokes.

Just the fact that I'm
screwing the government

makes them taste so much better.

Well, well, well,

ill*gal cigarettes too.

What's with all the boxes?

Jeez, I don't know sir,

Percy just showed up with them.

I know better than to ask any questions.

He abuses me,

so anything you might be
thinking I is guilty of,

I done because of that,

and I ain't responsible

on account of it was all self-defense.

Oh, like you wasn't
driving the f*cking van.

Van?

What van?

This one, you's forgot
we took souvenir snapshot.

See, that's you right there waving

in your "f*ck the government,

"let's steal smokes," t-shirt.

You prick.

Fine, yeah, we stole the smokes.

Me and fat boy over here done it together.

And since we's on the
subject of unsolved crimes,

you wanna go looking
underneath our neighbor's shed.

There's a bunch of jewelry in there

that Percy shoplifted a few weeks back.

He was waiting for the heat to die down

before he pawned them.

Fatty's been defrauding
the welfare for the last year

using the fake name Lana Foxybox.

Son of a wh*re,

he faked a back injury
to get workman's comp.

She's got a bag of
grass hidden in her bra.

I got it from him,

he's growing a bunch of it
in the woods near highway 16.

I can draw you a map.

Both of you,

just shut the hell up.

Take them away, boys.

We'll sort it all out at the station.

I hope you's f*cking happy.

I ain't been happy a single
moment in my miserable life

since I was stupid enough to marry you.

[upbeat music]

Narrator: It was a beautiful
day in Kevin's neighborhood,

so he figured he'd head on
down to the old folks home

and convince people with Alzheimer's

that he was their long lost son

so they'd sign over their wills to him.

But since talking to old people
usually took a lot of time

because they weren't used to having people

remember they were still
alive and visiting,

Kevin figured he might better

get nice and loaded beforehand.

So before going in,

he drank his last nine ounces of sherry.

Kevin gave the funny
smelling man a great big hug

and told him

he was the very best
grandpa in the whole world.

Then he told him he'd
fallen on troubled times

and could use a few thousand dollars

to get back on his feet.

Grandpa, that's a laugh.

Hate to break it to you

but you're barking up the wrong tree.

I'm g*y, I've never had sex with a woman.

I was an orphan and I didn't
have any brothers and sisters,

so there ain't no ways in hell

you are related to me.

Narrator: Of all the
luck, Kevin thought.

Kevin figured he'd just have to go

find another old person to swindle,

which kind of upset him

because it meant he'd have
to hug another person,

and Kevin hated the thought
of expressing affection.

Even false and insincere affection

geared towards exploiting the elderly.

I'll give you $20 to stay
and talk to me for a while.

Narrator: Kevin told the man he'd do it

but that he wanted the cash upfront.

The minute Kevin got
the money in his hand,

he turned and ran away.

Please.

Oh God, I'm so lonely.

Please.

You know the rules,

no expressing emotion

or you get the four point restraints.

I fought a w*r so people
like you could be free.

Yeah, well I never asked
you to fight no w*r for me

so don't go expecting me
to give you nothing for it

except some nice, yummy Thorazine.

There, now don't you feel better?

[alarm beeping]

f*cking alarm codes.

Hey, you're a janitor,

can't you disconnect that thing?

I'm not a janitor,

I'm an orderly,

and even if I could, I wouldn't.

Oh, why?

Does someone have a
crisis with her morality?

[laughing]

f*ck morality, all I meant

was that it'll be a cold day in hell

before I lift a finger to help
an ignorant b*tch like you.

How dare you,

I could have your job for that.

You're not smart enough to do my job,

and if you so much as think of
giving me an ounce of grief,

I'll hurt you in ways you
never thought imaginable.

Oh, I'm so scared.

What could you possible do to hurt me?

Oh my God, you sl*t.

It's a picture of you
having sex with her husband.

[fighting]

[upbeat music]

Narrator: Kevin was in love,

she was everything Kevin had
ever hoped for in a girl.

Beautiful.
[screaming]

Full of vengeful malice,

and with the key to the drug cabinet.

Kevin figured he'd put the old timers job

on hold for a while

so he could steal a ring
and ask her to marry him.

[tense music]

Perfect.

[laughing]

You're not allowed to smoke in here.

So is this guy a relative
of yours, or what?

Narrator: Kevin told the woman

that he didn't have any
idea who the man was,

and that even if he was a relative,

Kevin wouldn't visit him anyway

since old people scared him.

I hear that.

Narrator: Then Kevin showed her

the 47 rings he'd stolen
from various patients,

and asked her to pick one and be his wife.

Wow, you're an industrious
little prick, aren't you?

I like that.

Mm, she likes you Kevin.

French kiss her, Kevin.

French kiss her right on the mouth.

Narrator: Kevin didn't know what to do.

He'd never gotten this
far with a girl before

without being really drunk
and having to pay for it,

and he was nervous.

Hey, hey, you're talking to yourself.

Narrator: Kevin told his fiance

that he was talking to an
imaginary bird, not himself.

Then he told her he was going
to need an answer real soon

since this was a non-smoking room,

and that if he didn't piss off
and have some nicotine soon

the bird would command him
to start hurting himself.

Well, marriage is a big step,

why don't we just start with
something simple like dinner?

Narrator: Kevin wasn't real good

at the whole dating scene

so he panicked and told her

he was a world class Cordon Bleu chef

and that he would be delighted

if she'd come to his house for
an opulent nine course meal.

Really?

Wow, okay.

Give me your address

and I'll meet you at your place,

Friday night at eight.

Fantastic, Kevin.

Yeah, I've got a good
feeling about this date,

I bet everything's gonna
work out just fine.

[upbeat music]

Narrator: Even though
Kevin couldn't read,

he'd spent the last four
hours studying cookbooks,

figuring that if he stared
at the pictures long enough

then things would just sort
of start to make sense.

Kevin was wrong.

Told you so,

now what the hell you gonna do?

Narrator: Kevin told Allan not to worry

because he had a plan B.

Really?

Let's hear it.

Narrator: Kevin told
his imaginary friend

that plan B was to stand up his date,

go to an alley some place
and get nice and loaded

until his life returned

to the predictable cesspool
of failure it'd always been.

God damn it, Kevin,

you can't afford to blow this.

You ain't exactly got a lot of prospects.

Now I don't get why she said yes,

but she did,

and let's face it,

this is your one jab at
hooking up with a real girl,

not like them prostit*tes

or that one you made out
of a mop and them pillows.

Narrator: Even though
Kevin knew it was true,

he didn't figure there was
too much he could do about it

since his fiance was
coming over in two days.

Think, broken head, think.

All you gotta do is find some food

and then pretend you made it,

she ain't gonna f*cking know.

Don't throw away our
one shot at regular tail

and prescription medication, Kevin.

I'm begging you.

Narrator: Kevin told
Allan he'd think about it

while he was in the washroom
with a mop and some pillows.

Ew, well that crossed some
sort of f*cking line I think.

Narrator: Kevin figured
he'd have one last go

at making food himself

before he went to all the trouble

of stealing meals from
restaurants around town.

Unfortunately, his parents never kept

too much food around the house

because they usually
spent their welfare money

on alcohol and lottery tickets.

So all Kevin could find

was a can of almost meat,

some soya sauce and half of something

that he was pretty sure
used to be a carrot.

Kevin had no idea what to do

and he was feeling hopeless,

so he figured he'd head
on down to The Camel Toe

for some booze and peelers

because that was the kind of thing

that usually made him feel better.

[drinking]

Even though the booze was helping,

Kevin still couldn't figure
out a way out of things.

He was looking around the room

for someone to ask for dating advice from,

but it occurred to him that
men who were good with women

probably didn't spend
all day in strip clubs

getting drunk and staring at women

they could never get in real life,

so he wasn't real optimistic
about getting any help.

He was about to give up

when Afroman and Pornman walked in.

Kevin was excited

because he'd figured that
if anyone in the world

knew what it took to
get a woman to love you,

it was an adult film actor.

Oh man, what a day,

my back is k*lling me, mm-hmm.

That new director is an idiot.

Oh, I hear that,

telling me how to f*ck.

Like anyone needs to tell Afroman

how to work his mojo.

I've been getting a leg
over with the ladies

since he was in diapers.

It's these damn wigs and capes,

I hate doing period pieces.

Aw, let's just get some booze

and forget this whole day ever happened.

Amen to that, brother.

What's this?

Narrator: Kevin told
Pornman and Afroman

that they were his two
favorite adult film actors

aside from every female
who had ever made a film,

and that he was hoping to
ask them for some advice

in exchange for some beer.

Well if it's about f*cking,

then maybe you should ask someone else

because apparently I
don't know what I'm doing.

Relax friend, take a deep breath.

It's just one man's opinion,

and believe you, me,

I've seen them come and
go in this business,

and you, my friend,

can f*ck with the best of them.

Oh, I'm sorry man,

have a seat and thanks for the beer.

What can we do for you?

Narrator: Kevin explained to the men

that he had a big date coming up

and he didn't want to
blow it by letting her see

what he was really like.

But that since he'd never
been on a real date,

he didn't know what to do.

Then he told them he had lied
about being a Cordon Bleu chef

and wanted to know if that was wrong.

So you told her you
were a Cordon Bleu chef.

As long as you cook her something nice,

she's not going to call you on it.

Narrator: That made sense,

thought Kevin, then he told them

that he'd never even
made toast for himself,

and that even if he did wanna cook,

he couldn't since he'd thrown
out the only pan he had

because it was covered
in soya sauce and vomit,

and because he'd sold the
stove for drinking money.

Well then, I guess you are f*cked.

Yeah, I mean,

if she's coming to your
place expecting a meal,

even if you cheat and order out,

you still gonna need to
clutter up the kitchen

to make it look like you ain't lying.

You's gonna need an excuse, mm-hmm.

Yes, like that character
I played last month

who's wife caught him cheating on her.

I know you've been having an affair,

none of the other high
priced Wall Street lawyers

go to work dressed like that.

Why, I do not know what you mean.

Wall Street?

Lawyer?

I must have amnesia and lost my memory,

therefore, if I did have
sex with the neighbor,

it is not my fault because
I have a medical condition.

Oh, you poor thing,

well maybe this will restore your memory.

And when me and my wife
in the film were banging,

the neighbor lady walked in

and we had a really hot three-way.

Is there anything
fake amnesia can't do?

No.

Narrator: Kevin told the men

that it was going to take a whole lot more

than fake amnesia,

especially since his fiance had no idea

about what he was like

or how he lived in the first place.

Oh, I see,

I kinda thought you two had
a thing going for a while.

Well, that's a whole different ballgame

you's dealing with there.

First impressions is important,

it reminds me of a movie I made last week

about a blind date.

I was playing a high
priced Wall Street lawyer,

to busy for a personal life,

so the other partners in my firm

set me up on a blind date.

Yeah, trade that one for $1,000,000

and then invest the money
in a high risk stock.

I know that it is risky,

but that is the kind of man I am.

I am a high flying risk taker,

completely absorbed in my career.

[knocking]

I have to go now,

my 12 o'clock appointment is here.

Hello, my name is Crystal Flame,

I am here for our blind date.

Wow, look at all this decor,

you must be very successful.

Yes.

Director: Okay, go.

Well, you see,

women love successful men.

So even if you ain't successful,

you's just got to figure out a way

to make it look like you is,

and you got yourself the master key

to the house of nookie.

Narrator: Kevin
thought about it some more

and realized that what
he had been thinking

was right all along,

which surprised him

because he wasn't used to
being right about things.

Then Kevin got to thinking

that since the two porn actors

hadn't really told him anything
he didn't already know,

they were ripping him off
drinking the beer he bought.

That made Kevin real angry,

so he took back his jug of draft,

kicked the table over

and told them to stay the
hell away from him forever

or he'd k*ll them.

Then Kevin saw Marty
coming to kick him out

for wrecking things,

so he chugged the rest of the beer

and bounced the jug of Marty's head.

Then Kevin punched the man
sitting at the next table

right in the throat.

Kevin figured that ought
to straighten things out,

then he ran away before
the cops showed up.

[upbeat music]

Kevin had been up all night

talking it over with Allan,

and he figured his date was the one shot

he was going to have
in his whole existence

for a normal life,

and he didn't wanna blow it.

So he'd spent the whole
day of his big date

forging checks to get the
house fixed up and clean.

The last of the work
crews finally finished

just one hour before his
fiance was set to arrive.

The food had all been delivered

and Kevin was sure everything was ready.

You might wanna have
yourself a bath first Kevin,

it has been a while.

Narrator: Allan was right,

Kevin couldn't remember the
last time he'd had a bath.

Kevin found that funny

and he laughed all the
way to the bathroom.

[laughing]

Kevin, that was the
best meal I ever had.

You sure weren't lying
about being a great chef.

Narrator: Kevin lied and
told her he'd never lied,

then he said he felt funny in his stomach

and asked if he could kiss her.

Why, you old smoothie, Kevin Spencer.

Sure, a kiss would be nice.

[Anastasia Spencer] What the f*ck?

Percy Spencer: Why's our f*cking house

look like the Taj f*cking Mahal?

[laughing]

Jesus H, boy,

you win the c*ck sucking lottery or what?

Hey, food.

What did I tell you about
bringing them hookers home?

Narrator: Kevin told his parents

that she was his fiance,

not a hooker,

and that they were going to get married

and spend the rest of
their lives together.

[laughing]

f*ck, I wet myself again.

Who are these people, Kevin?

And why are they in your house?

His house?

f*ck, he sold you a bill
of goods, didn't he?

For your information,

this is our house,

me and Percy's.

Kevin's our idiot kid

and he's only living here

until the government

stops giving us child
support to raise him,

then he can f*ck off and
get his own God damn place.

Quit hogging the food,

you fat prick.

[laughing]

Kiss my a*s,

you wide load sh*t can

before I stuff my
f*cking foot up your a*s.

You ain't got the ba*ls, piss face,

so shove the f*ck over.

Narrator: Kevin tried
to explain it all to Lisa,

but she was already gone.

[sad music]

[chewing]

[burping]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ His head don't work ♪

♪ It never did ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ You better not cross his path ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ He's a chain smoking,
alcoholic sociopath ♪

♪ Sociopath ♪

Presenter: [laughs] you
do have a lot to learn.