05x01 - Writing the Wrongs

[bunniefuu]

[bubbling]

[bell dinging]

[truck beeping]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Somethings wrong with that kid ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ His head don't work, it never did ♪

[water splashing]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ He's a chain smoking,
alcoholic sociopath ♪

[guitar riff]

♪ Sociopath ♪

[bars clinking]
[laughing]

Hello and welcome to
peripheral character theater.

You probably don't know my
name, I certainly don't.

I'm officially known as Man #2,

on the Kevin Spencer Show.

I frequently get cued in
various ways as a comical side.

[baby crying]
[thumping]

[plane engine roaring]

[pigeon cooing]
[expl*si*n]

I do have another life besides the show.

For instance I'm an amateur taxidermist.

Here's some stuff I made with
some things I found dead,

in my very own backyard.

I also enjoy the mischievous
urban thrill of base jumping.

[whistle blowing]

[suspenseful music]

But that's just f*cking beautiful.

The one car I actually paid to rent.

Well I've taken up
enough of your time for now,

after all this is the Kevin Spencer Show.

So let's see what the
little sociopathic Dickens

is getting up to today.

[comical music]

[slow upbeat music]

Your short story
assignments were all excellent.

Probably because you all
stole the same short story,

from the same homework website, Morons.

As of tomorrow you will
all write new short stories

and read them in front of the class.

Starting with you, Spencer.

Narrator: Kevin said
he was the only one,

who didn't steal his
homework from the internet

and didn't know why he had to be punished

with the rest of the enfeebled masses.

And I'm not accepting
any more short stories,

about sand crabs from you, Spencer.

Math, English even shop class,

every teacher says you're
going through some sort

of sand crab obsession.

I want a new story tomorrow

and nothing to do with sand crabs.

It's that Spencer kid.

Pathetic, faddy old clothes, never eats,

never talks to anyone.

We'll teach you to be poor.

[suspenseful music]

[thumping]

[upbeat music]

Narrator: As soon as he
got home Kevin told his dad,

how we got in a royal
a*s whooping at school.

You think that's funny,

look at how daddy fits
into your mommy's shoes.

[giggling]

Look at me I'm Anastasia Spencer.

Jesus Christ, Percy, take my shoes off.

You're gonna stretch him your fat as*h*le.

What's up with the brat?

Said some bullies were
laying into him again.

Good for you Boy.

Bet you showed them.

Hey, Percy, guess who's coming

to sing at the community center?

Zeppelin.

What, you skull f*cked alcoholic.

No!

One man.

Look they're showing a commercial again.

Announcer: His movie
career left you spellbound.

now Pornman shows you the other side,

the music side.

♪ I wanna stick my love
where the sun don't shine ♪

♪ So you better pucker
up that sweet behind ♪

Announcer: Yes, the man the

Guinness Book of Records says,

has had more people on his
face than the bleachers

at Yankee Stadium.

Pornman does what you always hoped, sing.

Yeah, right.

Another porno actor trying to go legit.

It's stupid, like when
Ron Jeremy was acting.

When John Owen tried to make
them martial arts movies.

[harp resonating]

[dramatic music]

[air whooshing]

[yelling]

[harp resonating]
[giggling]

Announcer: Yes, you're
here all Pornman's greatest.

Blood Test Negative,

Love Test Positive.

Cuddles and Spooge, Love Graveyboat.

The Gerbil Said I Do,
Squish, Splat, Ptang.

And of course my--

♪ Mile high club ♪

♪ I've got a mile high club ♪

♪ Climb aboard ♪

Come on, Percy, can we go see him?

He's playing at the Output
Salas Lounge for one night only.

f*cking guy lived at that motel.

I've been to his party.

Come on, Percy, tell me can we go?

Narrator: Kevin tried to
get his parents attention

but they just wanted to fight all the time

about who was a bigger as*h*le.

Luckily Allen was always
around to offer some insights.

I don't think you're gonna
get any sympathy here boy.

Narrator: Kevin went to
his room and got straight

to work on his short story assignment

and after the day he had,

he knew exactly what he
was going to write about.

[comical music]

[crab squeaking]

What in the name of
sweet bennet f*cking hells,

going on out there?

Sand crab, you write
sh*t about a sand crab?

Narrator: Kevin told
Allen he was striving

to recreate the great 70s classic
of imaginative literature,

Jonathan Livingston Seagull

and that he didn't have any other ideas

because homework was stupid

and he wanted the chew on something.

Listen white bread, we in
it up to our family jewels,

if you don't pick yourself
some territory at that school.

If you're gonna read them a story,

you read him a story that wow
they're f*cking asses shut,

for what they done to ya.

Write a story about revenge, boy.

Narrator: So Kevin wrote
a different kind of story,

the story was all about a
kid who went crazy in school

and went around exacting revenge,

until he gotten back at
everyone who had bullied him.

[giggling]

I got him, I got him!

[siren blaring]
[crashing]

f*cking sh*t.

Robot: What you said is evidence.

Recording: f*cking sh*t, f*cking sh*t.

f*cking sh*t.

Recording: f*cking sh*t.

[anxious music]

[police sirens blaring]

Yeah I wanna buy two tickets
to see Pornman in concert,

at the airport lounge.

Credit card?

Sure.

Four, seven, five, six.

Three, eight, three
eight, two, one, eight.

What, stolen?

You mean my own credit card.

Well I ain't got one of those.

[door knocking]

[belching]

Sir, your son's been arrested

for writing a violent story in school.

What that little
b*stard say about me now?

It wasn't about you.

Well then, who the hell cares.

Interviewer: Mr. Spencer
a world-famous lawyer

has volunteered to
defend your son in court.

Do you support free speech.

f*cking right.

Like every time I ask about

where all friggin' Australian
immigrants keep coming from.

They keep f*cking all the hot chicks,

just 'cause they've got

some twangy sh*t going on in their voices.

G'day mate, g'day mate.

But every time I tell
them to toss his shrimp

on the open barbie, someone's
always tucked me down,

saying I'm r*cist or something.

There's a difference
between free speech

and spreading hate.

I heard you were
spreading for the weatherman.

So you doing it or what?

Yes, Kevin Spencer's
parents stand behind our son.

Oh only stays place, if
you know what's good for you.

Hey why don't y'all go back
to Australia land burger,

whatever sh*t.

[comical music]

Welcome back to
peripheral character theater.

It was a very exciting
day for yours truly,

after filling out my police statement,

a big truck drove by my building

and I got a free tampon
sampler in the mail.

I wonder what's on the news?

A young boy was arrested today

for writing a short story
depicting a vengeful teen

who goes on a violent rampage in a school.

Oh my, the cat certainly
among the pigeons for Kevin now.

I wonder what he'll do next.

On a lighter note, this
week's athlete of the week

is competitive target
sh**ter Buck Bigsley.

I like to sit in a basement
and shammy my weapons.

Anchorman: Buck has a full complement

of legally obtained licensed firearms.

Here he displays his pride and joy,

an 80 millimeter tank
k*lling a*tillery cannon

from World w*r II.

It's for sport sh**ting.

[cannon firing]

[expl*si*n]

[water splashing]

Anchorman: Buck maintains a straight A,

grade point average.

Oh, oh yes, Buck, remarkably.

[chuckling]

Oh, yes, straight As.

Oh my, that Kevin certainly
seems to have landed himself--

[door knocking]

I just shoveled your drive.

Give me $200.

I don't have a drive, this
is an apartment building.

f*ck you, you cheating
c*ck-sucking son of a b*tch,

this is Percy Spencer, you just wait,

you'll see who's more of
a c*ck-sucker, mister.

[crashing]

I'll take you down you b*stard.

It's prison law.

Hey hold that elevator.

Well, I wonder how Kevin
will get out of this pickle?

[crowd shouting]

Kevin Spencer in the
past you faced me on charges

of theft, arson, as*ault, substance abuse

but I can honestly say without reservation

that writing this short
story is the most socially,

destructive dangerous
thing I've ever witnessed.

It will be a pleasure to
see you put away for good.

Now it's time to hear the
victim impact statements.

I was in the room when
the defendant read the story

and it really sucked.

See how scarred this young man is?

Did you find the story disturbing, boy?

Nah, the story just sucked.

I mean, I didn't relate
to the main character,

like at all.

A big one-dimensional whiny p*ssy

but still I gotta sit there for 20 minutes

while he whacks off his ego
with that long-winded bullshit.

I tried to put my head
down on my desk for a nap

and cut a blast.

People shouldn't be forced to
sit through crap like that.

I say, fry the b*stard.

Well this is Canada, we can
only enter him indefinitely,

in dehumanizing isolation.

Well, for now.

[upbeat music]

Oh, jeez, hey, Percy,

I got this bad feeling
we's forgotten something.

Ain't it the boys trial today?

What do I look like,
a f*cking calendar?

Well I'm sure we're
forgetting something.

I better check.

I got a raffle of panties
to throw on the stage.

Stuff to get autographed.

Any pictures of me to slip
to him after the show.

Yeah I better do a check too.

Now let's see, two
pocketful airplane vodka.

Well I'm done.

Remember we're only ordering
orange juice tonight.

Get me?

[sensual music]

Care for an autograph
copy my latest CD?

Would I?

Oh great, now I gotta steal
us a car with a CD player.

Oh my, I seem to have
left my pen in my pocket.

If you buy two CDs I'll let you
reach in and find it for me.

Anastasia: Is that it?

Try again, baby.

Oh, freak, his crotch
smells like coconuts.

How does a man know how
to reach a woman like that?

He speaks to me someplace so personal.

Really?

You know, I'm a peripheral character too.

I don't get to do too much around here,

except whoring and hood ornamenting.

Well I don't think it's
fair is all I'm saying.

Things ain't always fair, dumpling.

[comical music]

This may sound a bit presumptuous

but well would you give
me oral sex for $60.

I'd give you more, but it's all I've got.

Sweet little puddin pop,
just talking now you and me,

just gave me the longest
scene with dialogue,

I've ever had.

I'll cut you a freebie.

Really?

That's wonderful I assure you,

I'm not trying to start
a romantic subplot.

Sugar, what is it
with men and commitment?

Meet me behind the dumpster
in the alley in five.

I wanna freshen up.

Punched out, hey buddy.

She's what you call a bowling trophy wife.

On account you gotta fill up three holes.

[giggling]

Hey, hold on, you're that prick,

who stiffed me on that
four grand three days ago.

Well, settle your account, b*stard.

♪ I wanna stick my love
where the sun don't shine ♪

♪ You better pucker up that sweet behind ♪

♪ Oh yeah, oh yeah ♪

♪ Ah, oh yeah ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, yeah ♪

Narrator: Things looked
pretty grim for Kevin.

And people on the outside
we're really trying

to help him out.

Ladies and gentlemen,
it's clear the warden,

the government the whole friggin system

is giving us the runaround here

because Kevin is assembled
writers everywhere.

I've composed a verse in his honor.

Hey, Messiah, this guy's
talking about you on the TV.

Says he's gonna read a poem to you.

[energetic music]

[pimple pulsing]

Free, like the Sun and air.

Free like those little dough ba*ls,

they give you at the mall.

It's all free, why can't Kevin be?

[crowd cheering]

Mr. Lilley-pittle, your
brilliant words have moved me.

I'm with the National Arts Council,

here's $20,000 to develop
your poem further.

See you suckers, I'm
off to Monaco to research.

Don't worry Messiah.

They can't keep you in on
a bold discharge like this.

Hey, are you all right?

Narrator: Fact of the matter was,

Kevin was far from all right.

He'd developed a viral infection,

called paralytic poliomyelitis.

It's a disease that had almost
been wiped out by vaccines

and clean water systems.

Basically Kevin lived
around too much filth

and was always too stupid
to go for vaccinations.

Tap water hadn't been very
reliable lately either

and that with his already
shitty immune system,

couldn't stop his infected
zit from making a meningital.

Oh, no.

Messiah, God, no!

We gotta get him to the infirmary.

[upbeat music]

I'm taking over.

I haven't been appreciated
for who I am on this program.

From now on it's The Man #2 Show.

Announcer: The Man #2,
Canadian variety spectacular

with all your favorite Canadian stars.

[crowd cheering]

Now Pornman, before we
talk more about your CD,

I know you and I share
a passion for Chaucer.

Mm-hmm.

And I was leafing through
the Wife of Bath the other day

and felt compelled to speculate,

why she would wear spurs on
both her feet at the same time,

when most women rode sidesaddle.

She was probably a
swinging hot tamale, man.

And that's Man #2.

Sorry, Man #2, man.
[crowd cheering]

Announcer: Man #2
Show was brought to you

by NAFTA Beer.

I was Canadian.

Yes, NAFTA beer, from Murphy's breweries,

brought to you by the
Mexo-Can American Commonwealth

of Currencies Association.

Now we go to our panel
to talk about the issues.

The topic is this little
imprisoned boy, Kevin Spencer.

I think you're being a naive
apologist for the lefties.

I agree with that
closeted h*m* cop.

[clown horn hooting]

[sad music]

[hospital machines beeping]

Hey, Messiah, they're
talking about you on

that new Man #2 Show and well
I'll tell you later I suppose.

How's the Messiah doing, doctor?

Still fine for the
acute motor paralysis,

it doesn't look good.

[harp resonating]

Hey kid, I'm William S. Burroughs.

Don't worry everyone went ape-sh*t,

when I wrote The Naked Lunch too.

I'm Oscar Wilde.

And I'm also a writer got sent to prison.

Yeah for going down on a guy.

Nevertheless my writing
was not unacquainted

with controversy.

Bourgeois parlor trip.

I am Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn.

In my time I was showing the side effects

of the communist system
as it became corrupt,

as the dream of the Revolution was lost

for that I was persecuted.

The issue is free speech,
ladies and gentlemen.

Ladies and gentlemen?

Where does that leave you, Wilde.

Oh and I suppose we're
supposed to believe,

you just made up all that
stuff about Tom Jones, William?

Kid the point is,

if you're not willing to
face the consequences,

you'd better keep your
criminal tendencies a secret,

if you know what's good for you.

Naked Lunch didn't even get
released until after a trial.

Good Christ, Norman Mailer
had to testify for me.

Norman f*ck' Mailer.

Tabarich, I think I
found a way out of here,

through the north.

[harp resonating]

[pimple bursting]

[mischievous music]

I knew you weren't
really sick, Messiah.

When they dragged you here,

I assume that was a signal on account

of it's always easier to
escape from the infirmary.

I've knocked out all the
guards to the laundry exit

and pocketed the wardens
keys to the truck.

Here's a guard uniform in your size

and back up smokes and


Was overrated when you get out.

I love you, Messiah.

Narrator: Kevin was mighty pissed off

that Petey hadn't ripped
off smokes in his brand

but everything else seemed pretty cool

so he knocked Petey out
with a metal IV stand,

just so his body wouldn't
be suspected later.

[bashing]

[groaning]

No thanks necessary, Messiah.

Narrator: Kevin decided
to lay low in Quebec

for a while there he figured,

he could have all the
free speech he wanted,

on account of no one understanding,

any english there anyways.

Ladies and gentlemen of the court,

the accused Kevin Spencer has
escaped the prison infirmary

and is on the run.

As a result we'll complete
this episode of the show

with only peripheral characters.

[comical music]

Principal big a*s.

Can you tell us why Kevin
is hopeless to society

and would be best left
of an Arctic island naked

and alone so nature can take its course?

Well I've asked the school
board that question many times.

Many, many times.

[door banging]
[yelling]

Percy: Open up, I'm coming in.

[door banging]

Go away.

The rest of the show is
peripheral characters only.

No I get this sh*t.

Everyone's tired of all you
second string characters,

hogging all the attention to yourself.

You never do nothing interesting.

Let me in so I can grab my hand.

No.

The world can now finally
appreciate our gift for drama.

Percy: We're cutting the power.

You don't scare us.

Now as I was saying--

[electrical buzzing]

Finally, now for some real energy.

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ His head don't work, it never did ♪

William: Norman Mailer testified once.

Norman f*ck Mailer.

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ You'd better not cross his path ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ He's a chain smoking,
alcoholic sociopath ♪

♪ Sociopath ♪

[bubbling]