05x02 - Slingshot

[bunniefuu]

[bubbling]

[ringing]

[static buzzing]

Police continue searching for remains.

And now it's time for "Talkback,"

our segment in which viewers can express

alternative political opinions

during the last few minutes of the show

when no one's watching.

Tonight, Mr. Percy Spencer

expresses his views on
professional sports.

[Percy clears throat]

Andre the Giant.

How big you figure that guy's unit was?

And Charlie Plunt's a f*g.

[static buzzing]

[vehicle beeping]

[comical horn music]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ His head don't work, it never did ♪

[electric guitar wailing]

[water hissing]
[moaning]

[splashing]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

[Anastasia screaming]

[Kevin laughing]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ He's a chain-smoking
alcoholic sociopath ♪

[electric guitar wailing]

♪ Sociopath ♪

[laughing]

[comical music]

Boy, you in that shed?

[heavy breathing]

Where's your father?

He totally missed seeing himself on TV

and he made some good points.

Narrator: Kevin told his mother

that the old man had gone
to take a bath hours ago

because the scars from his amputation

had started to smell funny.

Well you go tell him he's
an as*h*le for missing it.

I'm all out of breath
from all these stairs.

[panting]

[door thudding]

Where the hell do you get off,

treating you like some sort
of f*cking intercom, boy?

[dramatic music]

[lighter flicking]

[air blowing]

Go tell your father this.

Tell the old lady that.

Why don't they paint a red
button on your forehead

and spit words in your face!

Narrator: Kevin said life
was one big spit in the face

and was about to ramble
on pointlessly about it

when he saw something that kind
of took the piss out of him.

[splashing]

[comical music]

[Percy gurgling]

Okay, there's just no need for this.

Narrator: Kevin tried to imagine

the confluence of circumstances

that would result in the old man

being flipped over with his a*s in the air

drowning in eight inches of bathwater.

[dreamy harp music]

[water gurgling]
[Percy screaming]

[splashing]
[dreamy harp music]

Kevin's bizarre fantasy
betrayed how genuinely little

he knew about bathing.

Compared to what he had imagined,

the reality of Percy's downfall

was relatively underwhelming.

[splashing]

[dreamy harp music]

[loud munching]

You know, sometimes
I just wanna get laid

but I ain't g*y and I'm tired
of giving myself handjobs.

The guy in my cell

says you can do something
called the slingshot.

What's that?

Theory is, you sit in the tub

half full of warm bath water

and put a belt from the back of your knees

to the back of your neck.

What's that supposed to do?

Come on, you know.

You can give yourself a blow job.

A blow job?

Yeah!
Oh, yeah!

What are you all looking at?

Just a few more,

it's a few more inches.

Oh, ooh!

Ah!

f*ck it, now I can't move my arm.

Oh!

[dreamy harp music]

Thanks for helping me, boy.

Narrator: Kevin asked Percy

how he'd ended up trapped in the tub

with a belt tied around.

I was doing heroin.

I think that stunt might have
damaged my amputated leg,

better get it checked.

Percy, oh my god!

Percy, get down here!

Oh god, help me, Percy!

Ah sh*t, looks like your old lady

had another angel sighting.

[birds chirping]
[suspenseful music]

Percy!

What's with the friggin' racket?

Percy!

They cut the cable, Percy!

Narrator: The TV in the Spencer house

hadn't been turned off in over 18 years,

not on purpose at least.

It was on even when they moved in

and Percy had maintained the stolen cable

for over a decade

right up until the neighbors
got cable internet.

[dreamy harp music]

Announcer: I will not wait for pictures

of my favorite public executions.

I will not wait to hear my
Uncle sing Neil Diamond.

Dreamland Cable.

I will not wait for the internet.

[leaves rustling]

Neither will I.

[laughing]

[comical music]

[feet thudding]

Now you can get all
the porn you want, boy.

[water hissing]

[clicking]

[computer whirring]

[water sputtering]

[electricity buzzing]
[dial up beeping]

Ya plugged the neighbor's garden hose

in the back of the computer,
ya f*cking drunk sh*t heel!

Well at least I got
something done all day.

[Percy screaming]
[electricity buzzing]

[dreamy harp music]

[static buzzing]

Wait a minute.

If we steal cable from the McNaughton's,

that means their cable got cut off.

Man: Why is it always
me who has to find the job?

Why don't one of you f*cking
bloodsuckers find a job?

[sobbing]

Woman: Stop it! Stop it!

Stop it!

Boy: I have a job, a full-time job.

It's called putting up with your sh*t.

[glass shattering]

[gadgets thudding]

I guess the arsehole
ain't found a job yet.

Boy, some people get so stressed

about being unemployed.

Hey look, we're getting
something on the TV.

Maybe we don't need cable after all.

[static buzzing]

Announcer: You're watching the CBC.

The what?

It's one of them university channels.

Announcer: Coming up tonight,

the East Coast Music Awards,

celebrating Canadian musical excellence.

[bottles shattering]

Ah, who f*cking cares?

Oh frig, that tears it.

I'm gonna get this leg looked at.

Maybe get some beer.

Come on, boy, bring the toboggan

in case you need to drag me.

Wow.

No cable.

I wonder what I'll do.

I guess there's always that
yuca tournament at the tavern.

Frig, is my life that boring?

[upbeat ska music]

[toboggan screeching]

Hey, let's go to the doctor later.

They can cut our cable

but they can't cut off our stolen VCR.

[comical music]

[stealthy music]

Announcer: The German expressionist

film noir horror classic

that's been banned from public
viewing for over 70 years

is finally released.

"The Freakish."

Shouldn't someone be home
studying for their civics exam?

Narrator: It was
the new supply teacher,

Ms. McGarrigle from Baffin Island.

They cut your cable?

That's terrible.

Kevin, you can come
watch cable at my place.

I can, mmm, help you with your homework.

Narrator: Kevin noticed
that there sure had been

a lot of horny teachers lately

and wondered what that was all about.

I think it's that American show

where they just let their
teachers just get it on,

Jeopardy or something.

You could do with a little bit of tootin'

in the tutorin' department yourself, boy.

Allen's got himself an idea

but we have to play this game slow.

We could get better grades

and you could see your adult movie.

Whatever you do,

don't get her pregnant.

Clean up aisle four.

[laughing]

Come on, boy.

I don't need to rent nothing no more.

[squelching]

Doctor: This leg is gangrenous.

I see it.

Does your son attend all your physicals?

What?

I didn't even see him come in.

Yeah, just don't let
him get near my wallet

'til I get my pants back on.

Doctor: Hmm, well I'm afraid

we'll have to treat the infection

with a number of expensive antibiotics

but first you'll need expensive tests

from expensive American labs

because the Canadian
waiting list is too long.

Expensive, like how much?

Doctor: Oh, by a thousand.

I can't afford all that sh*t.

What happened to health care?

Doctor: Oh, it's still
around here somewhere.

That covered your exam and the handshake.

Come on, boy.

They gotta have some
over-the-counter gangrene sh*t

at the Cash Mart.

[Kevin laughing]
[Percy moaning]

Well I did that too fast.

Narrator: Percy figured
they'd stop in at the courthouse

to fill up some applications for pardons.

The only way Percy could keep

from being in jail all the time

was by trying to get pardoned

on a lot of the minor offenses

that they were always busting him for.

After enough time went by,

he could apply to have a
lot of the smaller stuff

wiped from his permanent record.

[snoring]

[slapping]

I wanna see my government record.

[keys clacking]

I'm afraid based on recent events,

there are certain records
we can't show you.

They're classified.

What are you talking about?

I've always had access to my records.

Shh, ongoing investigations.

Frig, it's like living
in Russia or something.

Oh, if you're a Russian
that wouldn't be a problem.

The KGB files have been open for years.

Look, we're just here

to apply for a f*cking pardon.

Oh, why didn't you say so?

Just check off the offense
you wanna be pardoned for.

Percy: Hmm.

Bug,

bug,

buglary?

Maybe I'd better help you.

Let's see,

employing escaped sl*ves
without registering?

No.

Indulging h*m*
behavior in public.

That comes after they
throw you in the joint.

Here's an old one,
beating rugs on the Sabbath.

What?

My charge ain't on that form.

What was the charge?

Loitering in a commercial wind tunnel.

Just check-marked trespassing.

Thank you.

You'll know in three weeks.

See boy, the system works.

We just get keep getting our pardons

and our records will be clean in no time.

Let's get plastered.

Narrator: Percy was in a great mood

because his short-term memory was shot

and he didn't realize

how remarkably shitty
his life was becoming.

So he figured on doing some celebrating.

Would you like to
support our Olympic team?

No, I'm already an Olympic athlete.

You're an Olympic athlete?

Yeah, I'm putting a new
sport in the Winter Olympics,

it's called cross-country f*ck'.

[laughing]

[unicycle rattling]

Ladies and gentlemen,
I do this for a living.

I depend on your generosity.

[rattling]

[thudding]

[flame hissing]

[crowd gasping]

[applauding]

[scoffing]

Give you money?

What for, I can do that.

[squelching]

Oh.

[scoffing]

Yeah, check this out.

[loud farting]
[exploding]

[laughing]

It usually goes off by now.

Geez Percy, that ain't normal.

Can't you clench or something?

I'm trying.

It's like getting a run
from eating Mexican.

I can't stop.

Okay, folks, freak show's over.

Stand back.

[extinguisher hissing]

This guy ain't going out!

Narrator: Kevin was startled

by this unsettling turn of events.

The old man was burning
up like a roman candle.

Run home, boy.

Tell your mother to get down here

and bring all the cheese
bread she can find.

[suspenseful music]

[birds chirping]

Hey, boy, where's your father?

Narrator: Kevin said he didn't remember

and sat down trying to
imagine his own TV shows

to make up for the vacuum
created by the missing cable.

And now "The Six Million Dollar Drunk."

[suspenseful music]

Steve, what are you doing here?

I've seen the way you've been dancing

with them other astronauts.

So I went out and bought me some fem bots.

Steve, it's over.

We'll see about that!

[suspenseful music]

Steve, put that stereo down.

Announcer: And now a
word from our sponsors.

Wouldn't you love to be the lucky winner?

Free tickets to see "The Freakish."

Let's look at a scene.

Woman: Oh my god.

Please don't do that to
me and my innocent family!

Oh no!

Not ravenous flesh-eating pigs!

[screaming]
[phone ringing]

Hey, your supply
teacher's on the phone.

Says you're late for your tutoring.

Yeah, right.

You better not be banging your teacher

like them Americans do.

This house ain't big enough

for two court order support payments.

Narrator: Kevin said he was
just leading her on favors.

Oh well, that's okay then.

[cat shrieking]

[drink sloshing]

[bottle shattering]

And so Kevin, that's why statistically,

people in your tax bracket
really have no chance whatsoever.

Kevin, why don't you take a
break from first year civics

and watch some cable television.

New on the shelves this week,

the release of "The Freakish,"

a shocking tale of 18th century

death row prisoners who escaped,

only to be kidnapped

by a band of bloodthirsty circus freaks.

Who eventually fall into the clutches

of homicidal asylum
inmates and their puppets.

Winner of Germany's Best Comedy,

it resulted in Hamburg preview audiences

being hospitalized with horror.

Subsequent viewings are
blamed for World w*r II

and the overall attitude of Germans.

Narrator: Kevin thought the movie

sounded like the coolest
thing in the world.

He really wish he could see it.

Fortunately recent reviewing

by the Ontario Movie Ratings Board

have deemed it adult accompaniment.

Damn it boy,

and to think you're too stupid

to even be classified as an adult.

You know, Kevin, I've been
reading some of the poetry

you've been handing in

and well, can't help thinking
you're writing about me.

Can't we use this sucker,

like the spit shell she is already.

Narrator: Kevin told Ms. McGarrigle

that he'd really like to see
the movie "The Freakish."

I'll go rent it right away, Kevin,

but I want an essay about it on Monday

and another one of your poems.

What an unethical fat horny sl*t.

Anyone seen my wife?

Whoa, Officer, I'm
used to capping oil rigs.

The doc says this guy's
fatty tissues and stored up gas

could keep him burning
'til he blows himself

into a flesh-eating hollowed out old sock.

Fine, you gotta do something.

Well I could just lay
a couple of cheap charges

but the expl*si*n would probably k*ll him.

[farting]

[Percy screaming]

Can we do something that
avoids a bleeding corpse

in front of my place of business?

Give me a few hours.

We'll build a wall to direct the blast

but first me and my team need booze,

lots of booze.

I'm starting to feel dizzy.

[cat shrieking]

[scratching]

[door thudding]

I rented that movie you wanted to see.

[VCR clicking and whirring]

Announcer: Brought to you
by Dr. Caligari's Cabinets.

Step into one today.

Narrator: The Freakish.

[chains rattling]

So Kevin, I was thinking.

Oh my, this film is disturbing.

Heavens, that child was
watching the whole time?

Why so much blood?

[Kevin laughing]
[dramatic music]

[ominous music]

[flame blowing]

Three,

two,

one!

[exploding]

Yee

haw!

[comical celebratory music]
[crowd applauding]

Uh-huh, mhmm, gotcha.

Good news, your leg just landed
at the Little League game

on the West End.

[laughing]
[comical horn music]

[pleasant music]

Well I got my leg back.

It's still infected and
we still got no cable.

I guess we'll have
to talk or something.

f*ck, it gets worse.

So, would you still love
me if I was in a car accident?

You've already been in
plenty of car accidents.

No, I mean like if I
got all blind and deformed.

Limbs stickin' out every which way.

Narrator: Percy was
about to make a joke

about how it would
probably be an improvement.

[laughing]

He thought it was funny

but then something weird
stirred inside him.

I've been kind of mean
to the old lady lately.

You think?

Yeah, remember when she
said she wanted to have

kinky sex with fruit?

Yeah, so I kicked that pumpkin up her a*s.

[laughing]

What'd she expect at Halloween?

It's her fault for not knowing me enough

to know I'd f*ck her over anyways.

All right, I'll tell her something nice.

[Percy clears throat]

If you's got all deformed,

I suppose I'd still toss
one into ya once in a while.

I'm usually drunk anyways.

[magical harp music]

I love you, Percy!

[thudding]

Oh f*ck, I don't
know what smells worse,

your breath or my gangrene leg.

Gangrene?

[crickets chirping]
[cat shrieking]

[suspenseful music]

Narrator: Kevin had wanted
to say goodbye to the teacher

but she'd gotten so disturbed by the film,

her hair had gone white and
her eyes had no pupils anymore.

Soon she'd have no school pupils either.

[tires screeching]

[loud thudding]

[vehicle revving]

It was all very strange

because Kevin thought the
subplot seemed contrived.

[rustling]
[crickets chirping]

[comical bouncing]
[upbeat music]

[dramatic music]

Got a fungusy wound?

Suffering from gangrene?

Screw public health!

During the Civil w*r, they used maggots.

Listen to this smart as*h*le.

In this era of
antibiotic resistant drugs,

I suggest you let a pound of ground beef

rot in a plastic bag,

and then wrap the bag around the wound.

The maggots will clean the
gangrene off your leg in no time

but they'll only eat
the putrefying matter.

[laughing]

This feels disgusting.

I learned it on cable.

[static buzzing]

[speaking in foreign language]

Announcer: Emmanuelle meets Pinocchio.

Hey, the cable's back on!

That's right.

Neighbor's wife's working
as a hooker part-time.

I just love a happy ending.

[dramatic music]

[heavenly music]

[laughing]

[loud slapping]
[comical music]

[laughing]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ His head don't work, it never did ♪

[singing in foreign language]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ You'd better not cross his path ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ He's a chain-smoking, alcoholic ♪

♪ Sociopath ♪

♪ Sociopath ♪

[bubbling]

[ringing]