05x04 - Spankdriven

[bunniefuu]

[tinkering music]

[electric buzz]

[solum music]

[kids yelling]

Hey kids, play safe.

Remember, you can-

[Gilbert snores]

[car beeping]

[theme song]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Somethings wrong with that kid ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ I don't like him, never did. ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ He's a chain smoking
alcoholic sociopath ♪

♪ Sociopath! ♪

[Kevin laughs]

[rock music]

Ouch!

What the-

[Kevin laughs]

♪ We're not meant for sunshine ♪

♪ We're not meant for rain ♪

♪ So where do we belong now ♪

♪ Show us where to stay ♪

♪ [Back up singers] ♪

♪ I want a piece of that ♪

♪ Is my soul possessed? ♪

[whoosh]

Say what you want about Stanley,

buddy makes one hell of a margarita.

[slurping]

Oh, hey!

All the fellas in hell say "hi!"

So whatcha doin' boy?

[slurping]

Oh, Kevin, a real live rock
band in your own backyard.

Narrator: Kevin agreed with Allen,

and said that "yes, it would be something.

It would be something indeed."

Quit thinkin', bein' smart, boy.

And fill out a hand full
of them f*ck' ballots.

Percy: Hey boy, lets f*ck' roll.

Daddy wants to get to the titty bar!

Fear not, earthling c*ck.

I come in peace.

I'm just here to get the boy.

Okay, well, then just
hurry up and get him and go.

Yeah yeah yeah.

You're just lucky your mom
works five dollars cheaper,

otherwise I'd go to bang your daddy.

[intense music]

[shuffling]

Hey, you got any smokes, Kevin?

Oh, full pack!

[records fall]

His pants are full of stolen CDs!

His pants are full of stolen CDs!

[Percy laughs]

[intense music]

[woman screams]

[elevator music]

[Percy pants]

Ah!
[thud]

[elevator music]

[Percy laughs]

[Percy laughs]

What's so funny, Percy?

Just thinking about that time

I turned the boy in for shoplifting.

But I knocked down that fat four eyed f*ck

that's always hanging
around in the green sweater.

Oh yeah, that guys creepy.

[doorbell rings]

Yous gonna get that?

Probably not.

f*ck' lazy good for nothing.

Good for nothing?

How many f*ck' awards
did you win last night?

[table slams]

[funky music]

Quit f*ck' throwin'
things at me, f*ck!

Well, what do yous want?

Is Kevin Spencer home?

Who wants to know?

Tell him Barfy Boozehound is
here to award him first prize

in the backyard barbecue
rock show contest.

Featuring the great Canadian
rockband, Spank Driven.

And that he must sign a waiver,

that signals his acceptance of the prize,

and also invokes a hold harmless clause

against old Barfy Brewery's Limited.

In the event any legal matter,
class action, suit or claim,

the person or persons action
that may occur at the party.

That's a lot to remember!

Hey, can I just tell him there's
an as*h*le in a dog suit,

and a couple of wh*res on our front porch

that wants to talk to him?

I'm not a wh*re.

Shut up!

Kevin has to sign for it himself.

Or you don't get the party, the t-shirts,

or the free beer.

Free beers?

Wait here!

[door slams]

Quick, Percy!

Go put on our boy's clothes!

And then go out to the front door

and pretend yous him.

[Annie panting]

First of all, whatever yous
think I was doing, I wasn't.

And second of all, no.

If yous pretend to be
the boy and sign some sh*t,

then we get a bunch of free beers!

[Annie laughs]

[Percy pants]

Where do I sign?

Are you Kevin Spencer?

Yeah, pleased to meet ya.

Where do I sign?

Right here on the dotted line.

[scribbling]

Thanks, pantomime dog.

Now where's my f*ck' beers at?

The party isn't until Friday night.

Barfy: Old Barfy will deliver the kegs

around six at night.

The band will get here around eight,

and play for an hour or so.

Fine, f*ck.

Hey, uh, you, yous ladies
wanna come to the party?

Have a few drinks?

Maybe head upstairs in the
bedroom and tear one off?

God no!

And even if we said yes,

it's not like a fat drunk like
you could get it up anyway.

Can't get it up, aye?

Well, miss smarty-pants,

I'll have you know that
while you was out here

waiting for me to come to the door,

I was in my kitchen masturbating.

[groups screams]

So who's the f*ck' loser now?

[door slams]

[snoring]

[knocking]

[clearing throat]

Yes, come in.

[intense music]

Have a seat, Mr. Spencer.

That'll be all, gentlemen.

[door slams]

So, Kevin, how are you?

Narrator: Kevin wasn't
much in much of a mood

to listen to anymore
authoritarian bullshit

from a community college graduate

of achieved law and security program.

And he was about to bust the warden

a real sweet one in the scapula,

when his old pal Allen showed up.

Pst, Kevin.

Hey, Kevin!

Over here!

Yous only got one day
left until you get out.

This might be one of those rare occasions,

when it's best not to
physically as*ault someone

in a position of authority.

Narrator: Kevin thought
about it for a while,

before he decided that the
goose was probably right.

So, he returned to his chair,

and told the warden that after careful

and thoughtful consultation
with his learned counsel,

that he would demurrer
to the warden's wishes.

Well, that's fantastic, Kevin.

I just wanted to, uh,

wish you good luck,

and tell you that I hope we don't, uh,

see you back here again.

Narrrator: Kevin thanked
the warden for his kind words,

and told him that he would do his best

to avoid having to return.

Then Kevin forgot what
they were talking about,

and leapt over the desk
and punched the warden.

The warden never saw it coming,

and went down right quick.

Then before Kevin jumped
out the window and ran away,

he busted up all the warden's pictures

of his happy, nuclear family.

[glass shattering]

[keys jingle]

[crashing]
[cat meows]

[upbeat music]

[tire screeching]
[cars honking]

Narrator: As Kevin drove
away in the warden's car,

he couldn't help but think
about big, shiny, chrome plated,

Canadian geese, attacking
a megalithic sea creature

from a Japanese monster movie.

[monster roars]

[intense music]

[geese honking]

[crashing]

[Kevin laughs]

Jesus H, you is crazy, ain't you, boy.

Narrator: Kevin told the bird

he didn't know or care
one way or the other.

Then he told him

to check the glove
department for valuables.

Oh, look at here!

[car screeches]

[g*n shoots]

Hi everyone!

I'm here to remind you
that g*ns aren't toys.

And should only be handled

by those who have a firearms license,

and have received proper training.

Remember, g*ns don't k*ll people.

People k*ll people.

Although, they usually do it with g*ns.

Especially in America, where
its harder to get a dog license

than a g*n license.

I mean, think about it.

[snoring]

[thud]

♪ He's Gilbert ♪

♪ He's Gilbert ♪

♪ He's Gilbert, Gilbert, Gilbert ♪

♪ He's a hydrocephalic, ♪

♪ Narcoleptic, safety bear. ♪

[rock music]
[car engine roaring]

Where the hell are we anyway?

About ten miles outside
of butt-f*ck nowhere.

Well that's just perfect!
[manager talking on phone]

Life just couldn't get
any better, could it?

Remind me again why the
hell we're doing this?

Because, our idiot manager
thought it was a good idea.

If an accident were to say, occur,

well that's just the kinda thing that-

as*h*le.

I gotta go to the can.

[suspicious music]

Son of a b*tch!

[door opens and closes]

Whoa!

The women's washroom!

What was it like?

What was it like?

Narrator: Kevin told the bird

that everything they had ever
heard about women's washrooms,

was true and more.

Kevin said it was the most fearsome

and magical place he had ever been.

Then he told Allen that
they must tell no one,

and never speak of this again.

Now listen!

I've got a busy day lined
up for you tomorrow.

We got press all day!

TV morning shows, radio, newspaper,

and then we have the barbecue
house party at night.

I've invited all the media to cover it.

Who's bright idea was it for us

to play at some loser's house party?

It's good PR!

It's different!

I'll get your name out there.

It's a brilliant marketing move.

And speaking of brilliant marketing,

I just got off the phone
with a head of your label,

and we've come up with what we think

is a little added something

that will propel you over the top.

What now?

Tube tops.

What?
What?

What?
What?

Hear me out, hear me out.

Our record research,

has shown that the main consumer

for the type of music you play

are teenage boys!

Teenage boys also like girls!

Especially pretty girls in tube tops.

We're not hookers, you f*cking moron!

Hey!

Of course you're not!

Who's to say you don't just like the look

and style of the tube top?

And who's to say that sometimes,

when you're playing your instruments,

really, ya know, rocking out,

that maybe one, or more,

of you accidentally falls
out of the tube top?

And if this accident were to say,

"occur" when the media is
taking pictures at the barbecue,

well that's just the kinda thing

that gets your name in the paper!

We're a serious band!

Not some tit-a*s sideshow!

t*ts and a*s sideshow?

Now that's a catchy name for an album.

I'm gonna go to the washroom.

You guys, you hash it out.

But do it quick.

We're on a tight schedule

and won't have much time
to shop for tube tops.

Oh, and hey,

I'm just spit balling here but,

wait for it,

short shorts!

So what do you guys think?

Tube tops and short shorts.

Are you serious?

Not that.

I mean, should we just take
the bus and leave him here?

Or should we k*ll him first
and dispose of the body?

I could go either way.

I just had a manicure.

Digging a grave would be hell on my nails.

Mary's right.

Let's just leave him.

[bus engine roars]

[dreamy music]

Oh yeah that's the stuff.

Shake that f*ck' pole baby!

That's right, you give Annie
some kind of that good stuff.

I said shake that f*ck' rod!

[door opens]

Oh, f*ck!

That's Percy.

Get the f*ck outta here!

What about my money?

Why the f*ck you dressed like that?

This is my rock concert outfit.

Remember it from high school?

Yeah, like I remember
anything from high school.

I'm just glad it still fits.

Ain't you gonna get
your concert outfit on?

But I don't feel like changing.

Come on!

It'll be just like old times.

Yous always tellin' me we
gotta be more romantic.

We'll pretend it's like the
first concert we ever went to.

You mean,

yous gonna puke and pass
out during the opening act?

And I'm gonna get arrested for
blowing a fat security guard

behind a port-a-potty,

to get a pass backstage?

[Percy laughs]

Oh to follow your youth.

Oh, I'll say.

Come on, and yous can help
tuck me into my spandex.

[bus engine roaring]

Yeah, yeah, fine.

But, call the radio station

and tell them that the sound system

and the stage better be set up properly.

No f*ck' around.

We walk in,

do a few songs,

wave to the cameras,

and then we're gone.

You tell them that.

[bus engine roaring]

[car tire squealing]

You and your f*cking corn.

Narrator: Kevin told Allen,

that it was normal for a boy his age

to love corn more than life itself.

Then he started to feel uncomfortable

for opening up to the duck.

So he told him to turn on the radio

so they didn't have to talk.

[rock music]

Radio Announcer: That was
"Plastic" by Spank Driven,

who incidentally were in
the studio earlier today,

to promote their new album.

And they're also in town to
play at a house party tonight

as part of their cross country promo tour.

That's right,

one lucky fan by the
name of Kevin Spencer,

is going to have all of
the members of Spank Driven

right in his own backyard.

I gotta tell ya,

nice ladies.

An all female rockband,

how crazy is that?

I like their music,

but just between you and me,

I don't think it would hurt them

to dress a little more girlish.

I'm with you on that,

put them all in skirts and
I don't mind telling you,

I'd be the one driven to spank.

I think he means his p*nis!

That's right!

I was metaphorically talking
about using my own hand

to masturbate while I thought
about girls in skirts.

Yowza! We'll be
right back with weather.

I swear to God,

the next sexist as*h*le
that pushes my buttons

is gonna get his head kicked in.

[upbeat pop music]

Hey, everyone!

I'm Barfy the Boozehound!

And I've got one question for ya.

Are you ready to rock?

Get off the f*ck' stage dog!

You're on, break a leg.

Come on, f*ck.

Where's the f*ck' band?

[Percy howls]

[crowd cheering]

Hello, we're Spank Driven,

and we are so, so happy to be here.

This is Plastic.

[rock music]
[crowd cheers]

♪ We're not meant for sunshine ♪

♪ We're not meant for rain ♪

♪ So where do we belong now? ♪

♪ Show us where to stand ♪

♪ [Backup singers] ♪

♪ I wanna piece of ♪

♪ Am I so possessed? ♪

♪ Just take me into your fix ♪

♪ You gotta fix me ♪

♪ I need all you can give me ♪

♪ I can take it all day ♪

Oh, rock and roll chick.

They must be easy and half drunk.

Show us your t*ts!

Fair enough

Christ, not you, fatty.

I seen enough of them
to last me a life time.

Yeah, like the world can
ever get enough of these babies.

Show us your t*ts!

k*ll him!

k*ll him!

k*ll the fat f*ck!

[country music]
[crowd fighting]

[car honk]

Narrator: Kevin had no
idea what could possibly

have caused such carnage and
disaster in his backyard.

He was going to see if he could find out,

but then he noticed the keg 'o' beer,

and decided he'd have more fun
locking himself in the shed

and drinking until he either
died or ran out of booze.

Hello, I'm Gilbert.

And I'd like to talk to you
about drinking responsibly.

[gulping]

♪ He's Gilbert! ♪

♪ He's Gilbert! ♪

♪ He's hydrocephalic ♪

♪ Narcoleptic, safety bear! ♪

[Kevin Spencer Theme]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Somethings wrong with that kid ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ I don't like him, never did ♪

t*ts and a*s side show,

now that's a catchy name for an album!

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ You better not cross him bro ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ He's a chain smoking,
alcoholic, sociopath ♪

♪ Sociopath! ♪