05x06 - Working the Rigs

[bunniefuu]

[water burbling]

Narrator: A Canadian Heritage Minute.

[fire crackling]
[gentle piano music]

Holy geez, there's a fire.

Hey everyone, come on down here

close to the shore and look at the fire.

Closer!

Frig, someone's gonna catch sh*t for that.

Jedediah, Jedediah!

You have to warn everybody,
that ship's full of expl*sives!

It's gonna blow!

Holy sh*t, just like my sister-in-law.

I'm on it.

[boy screams]

[Jedediah laughs]

Narrator: Jedediah Spencer
at the Halifax expl*si*n.

He did jack sh*t.

Look at her burn.

[dramatic music]

[expl*si*n booms]

[Jedediah screams]

Narrator: A Canadian Heritage Minute.

[truck beeping]

[rock music]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ His head don't work it never did ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

[both screaming]

[Kevin giggling]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ He's a chain smokin'
alcoholic sociopath ♪

♪ Sociopath ♪

[Kevin giggling]

[festive music]

[knocking]

Aklavik, what a wondrous surprise.

Elves, bring us cookies
and holiday treats.

We have a visitor.

Yes Santa, yes.

The season of merriment be upon us all.

Greetings, Santa.

I journeyed miles across the ice

to bring you a tale of
the world, a question,

and a carton of beer.

Mrs. Claus will be so-h*-h* pleased.

Tell me your story, Aklavik,

and then ask me your question.

[festive music]

[Santa glugging]

It is the story of a
family of poisoned spirits.

[harp music]

[birds chirping]

[plucky music]

What's a good present
for a coming out party?

Who's coming out?

My buddy Luc.

I'm sponsoring him while
he's in the community,

so he's gonna live with us for a while.

What?

Last week you said he got 25 years

for that horrible
t*rture-m*rder thing he did!

Yeah, but then he got good behavior.

Then they cut three years
because of prison overcrowding.

And then his lawyer got
time served knocked off.

I'm pickin' him up tomorrow.

Hard timers like him
scare the sh*t outta me.

You remember the last time he was here?

[harp music]

Hey Luc, do you wanna
stop hogging the horseradish?

Are you disrespecting me?

[intense music]
[glass tinkles]

[harp music]

Okay, so he's got some issues,

but he served his 30 days

and we should give him a f*ck' chance.

[plucky music]

[door rattles]

[ominous music]

Hey Luc, you look good.

I look like sh*t, now shut up.

We gotta go up north.

Frig.

[upbeat music]

Narrator: Kevin thought it
would be cool to go up north,

because he liked the soporific
magic of the aurora borealis,

created by radioactive solar particles,

he always fantasized about
what unexplored dimensions

lay beyond the fluttering
curtain in the sky.

Hey stupid, stupid!

Instead of acting all stupid,

why don't you pay attention
and learn something?

Daddy's gonna show you
how to cross jurisdictions

to transport a felon.

There's the plane I hired.

I owe ya one, Percy.

[engine roaring]

What am I supposed to
tell your parole officer?

Listen, I k*lled a guy up north.

In his pocket are directions to a safe

that hold a million dollars.

They can't bury him 'til
the permafrost melts.

So when I get there, ah!

Ahoy there.

I'm looking for a Luc Bedoe.

It's, you just chewed the f*ck up

like a tree shredder you drunken--

Whassat?

[pilot belches]

He said he's Luc Bedoe.

Here, his ID's right here in his bag.

[twangy music]

Well hurry up and get loadin'.

I already got a head start on ya.

I was loaded when I got here.

Loaded, get it?

[sirens wailing]

The game's on, baby.

We'll fly up to the rigs
and find that money.

What money?

Holy sh*t, cops!

[sirens wailing]

[upbeat music]

Whoa!

Holy sh*t.

Hey, you're makin' me sick, knock it off.

Oh frig, watch out for that mountain!

Christ!

You sure you know your way to Jamaica?

We's goin' to Nunavut, you idiot.

What's the difference?

About 80 degrees,
it's freezin' up there.

[engine roaring]

Oops.

There goes the engine.

Oops.

There goes the liquor.

What?

Holy f*ck, what kind of friggin'
airline you runnin' here?

Here it comes!

Landing's gonna be kinda delicate.

[intense music]

We made it!

[eerie music]

Narrator: The north surprised Kevin,

and it wasn't quite what he'd expected.

He'd never seen above
ground sewage before.

At least, he'd never seen sewage

above ground on purpose before.

I can't believe we made it.

Let's celebrate.

Yeah, we's gonna drink all night!

[wonky music]

Narrator: What Anastasia didn't realize

was the nights in Iqualuit
were pretty long, months long,

and after a few weeks, they
almost ran out of the money

they stole from Luc's luggage.

Ladies and gentlemen,
stompin' Tom Connors.

[all cheering]

Couldn't make it through
the storm tonight,

so instead we're bringing
up his fill in act,

Shaky Jake Jitters.

[crowd booing]

[glass tinkles]

♪ Oh I walked all over this big ol' land ♪

♪ Come on buy me a drink ♪

♪ That dock freezes I'm flat on my a*s ♪

♪ And I'll tell you what I think ♪

♪ I came up here to work the north ♪

♪ Where the wife can't
find her child support ♪

♪ Blew my last dime on
my last damn quarter ♪

♪ So come on buy me a drink ♪

[audience applauds]

Thank you, thank you.

Come on, buy me a g*dd*mn drink already.

Narrator: Kevin noticed
a lot of different things

about being north of the tree line,

like the fact that urine froze

as soon as it hit the ground.

And considering it was
still inside the men's room

at the time, he was pretty impressed.

[banjo music]

Holy sh*t, maybe it's just me

but it seems like it's been
nighttime here for years.



Can you believe the
friggin' prices here?



It's expensive to fly it in, eh?

[door pounding]

All right, you roughnecks.

It's time to get back to work, move it!

[banjo music]

[worker glugging]

Hey fatty, you work on the rig?

We're always lookin' for new roughnecks.

I'm more of a redneck, name's Percy.

It's Luc you freakin' moron!

For the last time, your name's Luc Bedoe!

Jesus Christ!

Lue Bedoe?

You were supposed to be here weeks ago.

Load your family up.

We're headin' out to the rig right away.

What's this say?

They's givin' us a new
home in Pun, Pungentlik.

[eerie music]

[dogs barking]

Wow, a toilet in the
living room, just like prison.

This place must've been an office once.

The mini bar's full of photocopier fluid.

But no booze!

No problem.

Hey boy, while you're out
finding a school for yourself,

see if you can scout out a beer store,

and get some party boxes.

I'm gonna find out where they
store the bodies in this town.

[machinery whirring]

Easy, a little to the right.

Hey Luc, throw that chain over here.

The name's Percy.

I'm only pretendin' my name's Luc

so no one in town will know who I am.

There's a lot of that around here.

So you guys all got
your families up here?

Nah.

So you must have hookers.

None you'd write home about.

Well how do ya, how do ya live up here?

Mostly h*m* activity.

Yep, plenty of h*m* activity.

But we're not g*y or anything,

don't get the wrong idea.

I suppose it's like prison that way.

All right, let's start drillin'!

[drill whirring]

Oh, sweet.

[men groaning]

[gentle music]

According to a reinterpretation
of the Bill of Rights,

all your land now belongs
to the oil companies.

Who here can spell oil?

Narrator: Kevin was
suffering the side effects

of the school system of the midnight sun.

It was like night school,

and the equipment was even
more meager than before.

It was the first time
he'd ever seen a classroom

that got taken away by the repo man.

[low key music]

So on his way home, he decided he'd hit

the nearest beer store, get wasted,

and never go back to school again.

[wolves howling]

Man: Luc, the men say
you've been having problems.

I'm here to straighten you up.

Ain't nothin' straight
on this platform.

And for the last time, my name--

Too much drinkin', too many substances.

Where's it all gonna stop?

I was once like you, friend.

Now I'm sober, 24 hours
a day, seven days a year,

and I feel great.

You sayin' you know
where there's a beer store?

See that building over there?

Is it a beer store?

That's where we keep all
the corpses through the winter

'til we can bury them
without the permafrost.

If you're not careful,
that'll be your new residence.

Bring me a sambuca.

[eerie music]

[intense music]

Hey boy, I've been wonderin'.

What the, where in the name
of St. Timothy Leary are we?

Holy sh*t, I'm freezing!

This is like the arctic or something.

What the hell have you landed us in, boy?

I'm outta here 'til you
get us someplace warmer.

Oh sh*t!

I think you got some company.

[wolves snarling]

[wolves whining]

You are new.

I saw you venture into the snow.

I am Aklavik.

I carve and tell stories.

You should never venture
so far from the community.

There are no landmarks,

and you could quickly become lost and die.

I'm going to Dawson City

to sell my aboriginal
sex carvings to tourists.

I don't make them to be sex carvings.

They just kinda end up
using them that way.

[wonky music]

Narrator: Kevin noticed
his new friend had some beer,

and invited Aklavik to
come meet his parents,

because they probably needed a few.

I would be gratified.

You was gone for four days!

I can't tell when the friggin'
night shift's over up here.

Hey, where's the beer?

I wanna celebrate.

You found a million dollars that fast?

Near enough, just gotta
break into the morgue,

and hey you didn't answer
my question about the beer.

Gee, the boy ain't home?

I guess I got too caught
up watchin' TV to notice.

Narrator: You're watching
the First Nations Network.

It's time for our morning show,

"No-Nook in the Morning."

Today our continuing series
on Inuit marriage custom.

Amongst early tribes,
men allowed for wives

to be liberally shared amongst the tribe.

Holy frig, really?

'Cause I've seen some
hot numbers out there.

They got snowsuits on

that don't leave much to the imagination.

[wind whistling]

Narrator: Kevin asked Aklavik

what kind of stories he told.

Myths of our people, like
the myth of the walrus queen.

[harp music]

And how she tore her
own dress off in rage,

and flung herself into the
ocean to become the walrus

with the head of two lost twin daughters.

[harp music]

Narrator: Kevin said he'd
like to be a storyteller.

[harp music]

And then he told his
own story about the time

when his mother tucked her
skirt inside her pantyhose,

and fell into the k*ller
whale pen at Marine World.

[Anastasia screaming]

[harp music]

Come on, you're just in time boy.

We're gonna break into the morgue

by hotwiring the oil rig.

Hey, you got a new friend, I'm Percy.

I am Aklavik.

Listen Iggy, you stay here and tell us

if you see any snow cops around.

Come on, boy.

But...

[keyboard clacking]

That's it, do your crazy
computer sh*t there, that's it.

We'll drop the drill bit
right through the roof

and climb inside.

[dramatic music]

No!

Okay, we'll just break
in through the plumbing.

What are you doing, Kevin?

Why are you doing all this?

[flames crackling]

[ominous music]

[people screaming]

[intense music]

[metal clanging]

Frig, not much time boy.

Hop in there and get everything
you can off the bodies.

What the f*ck's goin' on?

The whole town's on fire.

Go steal us a toboggan.

I need a wheelman, woman.

Narrator: For his age, Kevin had done

more than his share of grave robbing,

but no matter whose clothes he searched,

he didn't find anything that
looked like a treasure map.

You're just in time.

I fixed up the old girl better than new.

Here's 1,000 bucks, go south!

[crowd clamoring]

Oh, usually they only get this mad

when politicians visit.

Let's get the f*ck outta here.

Farewell, Kevin.

[somber music]

[harp music]

So tell me, Santa.

Why are there such people in the world?

Why, Aklavik?

I'll tell you why.

So people like you and me can do our best

to clean the world up
from people like that.

Santa, no.

You're not in control
of your sensibilities.

The old b*stard's
drunk on the sleigh again.

[banjo music]

Just a few more miles,
and we'll be home free.

You got that map, boy?

Narrator: Kevin told the old man

there was no map to a safe.

Just a bunch of useless
coupons and prophylactics.

What?

After all that, Luc was
just f*ck' us over?

[electronics beeping]

Sorry to break this to ya, folks,

but we got bandits on our six.

[intense music]
[bells jingling]

[Santa laughs]

Holy sh*t, it's Santa,

and he's drunk out of his mind!

So the Santa Claus we
see at the mall at the time,

must really be Santa!

I've lost so much respect.

Look who's talkin'.

He may be a fat drunk,
but at least he works

one day out of the freakin' year!

[intense music]

h* h* h* h*!

[Santa glugging]

[Santa laughs]

There's no stopping him!

Nothing works!

[satellites whirring]

[alarms blaring]

Gentlemen, we're tracking
a dogfight between two bogeys

just south of the tree line.

We don't know who they are yet.

Ah frig 'em all and
let God sort 'em out.

[alarms blaring]

[intense music]

[tinkly music]

So much anger.

What's this?

I wonder why someone would
put their treasure like this

in an old used safe.

I don't suppose you have
an explanation for this.

Oh, that's quite the ice
cube you got there, chief.

This land belongs to the
oil companies, anyhow.

So I'd better be takin' that.

Here, take some fire water instead.

You know what to do with
that, don't ya chief?

Huh, what?

[gentle music]

[rock music]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ His head don't work it never did ♪

Luc: I saw you, b*stards!

I'm Luc Bedoe!

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ You'd better not cross his path ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ He's a chain smokin'
alcoholic sociopath ♪

♪ Sociopath ♪

[water burbling]