05x10 - Plastic Percy

[bunniefuu]

[truck beeping]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ His head don't work ♪

♪ It never did ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ He's a chain smoking
alcoholic sociopath ♪

♪ Sociopath ♪

[man laughs]

[expl*si*n]

[man whistling]

Look, it's the boy!

Quit f*cking waving at the idiot.

I just smile and wave at him

'cause he scares the sh*t out of me.

I think it's just safer to play nice

and pretend I like the little a-hole.

Yous ain't getting it lard a*s.

[sniffing]

I want you to put your f*cking
arm down 'cause you stink.

Yeah?

Well try this on for size!

[farts loudly]

[man yells]

Good riddance.

Monday, sometime in the
summer and the old lady

is still full of gas.

She has so much gas that if she were on

the f*cking Hindenburg, it
wouldn't have f*cking crashed.

Except, maybe it would have cause she's

so f*cking fat it wouldn't
have been able to hold her up.

[man snickers]

Note to editor,

get to the funny blurb for the back cover,

especially if there's a
picture of my fat wife.

What in the name of sweet
blessed f*ck are yous doin'?

I'm recording all
the cool things about me

and the funny and smart sh*t I think up

so I can write my autobiography.

You don't even know
how to read or write.

That's why I use this, stupid.

f*cking not an idiot.

Narrator: At first Kevin
and his mom didn't care

that Percy was always wandering around

talking into a tape recorder.

Everyone always asks,

"Do you remember where you
were when Kennedy was shot?",

and I always say the same thing,

who the f*ck is Kennedy
and can I have $40?

Narrator: Mostly
because neither one of them

gave a rats a*s what the
fat unemployed drunk did

so long as he kept to himself,

but when Percy's drunken
ramblings began to interfere

with the day to day
enjoyment of their lives,

Kevin and his fat mother
put their foot down

and told him to take his tape recorder

[man yells]
[glass breaking]

and f*ck off somewhere else.

Fine.

We'll see who's laughing when my book tops

the best sellers list.

[mouse squeaking]

Bartender: Brand new,
state of the art pacemaker.

Just got it.

Anyway, my doctor says I gotta
take it easy from now on,

low key, nothing too exciting, all that.

[man yells]

That's what I sound
like when I'm rocking out.

[ambulance siren]
[sad music]

Wait.

You're banned.

No!

Narrator: Percy was terrified because

he was an alcoholic and because
he'd already been banned

by just about every bar in town.

[man breathing heavily]
[suspenseful music]

[angelic music]

f*cking fancy.

My kind of place.

Excuse me, sir, there's
a dress code in effect.

Perhaps you'd be more
comfortable if you left and

went someplace where poor
people hang out, okay?

[punching]

Huh?

Jug of draft, add three.

We only serve bottled beer, imported,

and this is a non-smoking establishment.

Then give me four bottles
of the cheapest beer you got.

Note to self, a good title
for a chapter is as followed:

All Rich People are f*cking c*ck Suckers.

[upbeat jazz music]

Where's the f*cking shitter at?

Hey, where's the f*cking shitter at?

Guard my f*cking seat.

I rule.

Hey good looking, nice d*ck.

Man: It's party time!

♪ Move your body, don't ever stop ♪

[man farts]

Listen, I thought I saw
a wrinkle this morning.

Can you book me in for
a little nip and tuck?

No problem, but I
should tell you that this

can be an expensive procedure.

Well then, I guess I'll
just have to screw Ohib

out of some more cash.

That doesn't sound legal, doctor.

Legal shmeagle,
we're cosmetic surgeons.

We make the rules.

Amen.

Hey, I figured out a way
to double book the lipos

and work in a rehab consultant angle

to screw the government out of more cash.

God, I love being a doctor!

[men laugh]

[man snickers]

Look's like God's not the only one who

makes mistakes, gentlemen.

[man snickers]

[man snoring]

[man breathing heavily]

[man snoring]

[man breathing heavily]

[man snoring]

'Bout time you showed up for work, doctor.

I'm not a doctor, stupid.

Ain't this the Cosmetorium?

Nah, it used to be, but
they needed a bigger office

so they moved to that building.

c*cksucker!

Ew.

You better be rich, mister.

Nah, but I'm real
f*cking clever and charming

so it all works out.

[man snickers]

What exactly is it you want?

Tell them two doctors
that work here that I want

to have a private meeting with them.

[woman chuckles mockingly]

I'm afraid that's not possible.

[woman giggles]

Hey fellas!

Nice t*ts.

Receptionist: You can't go in there!

Hey!

Son of a b*tch.

I hope you just won the lottery.

[man giggles]

We could retire on
the money it would take

to fix what's wrong with you.

Real funny f*ck face.

I kind of figured yous
two would do it for free

after you hear this.

[recorder rewinding]

How much for you's to bang me?

Man: 40 but...

Percy: Lousy hooker.

I'll give you $8 and this tape recorder.

Man: I spent my eight bucks.

Percy: Just a second.

My hand's stuck in my pocket.



Fine I will go f*ck myself,

but I'm gonna think of
yous while I'm doing it.

What do you mean that costs 80 cents?

Fine!

Lousy hooker, take my last 80 cents.

[recorder rewinding]

[doctors laugh]
[man snickers]

I rewound too f*cking far.

Listen to this.

Blonde Doctor: Can you
book me in for a little

nip and tuck?

Brunette Doctor: No problem,

but I should tell you that this

can be an expensive procedure.

Blonde Doctor: Well
then I guess I'll just have

to screw Ohib out of some more cash.

Brunette Doctor: That
doesn't sound legal, doctor.

Blonde Doctor: Legal shmeagle.

We're cosmetic surgeons.

We make the rules.

Brunette Doctor: Amen.

Hey, I figured out a way
to double book the lipos

and work in a rehab consultant angle

to screw the government out of more cash.

Blonde Doctor: God,
I love being a doctor!

[man giggles]

[man snickers]

What do you want?

Money.

Listen, Mr...

Percy B. Spencer.

Mr. Percy B. Spencer,

what if we can offer you
something better than money?

Immortality?

No.

We could fix you.

Not that you necessarily need fixing,

but how would you feel about being

the most attractive man alive?

[voice echoes]

The most attractive man in the world?

[voice echoes]

Man: It's party time!

♪ Move your body, don't ever stop ♪

I'm listening.

Instead of just paying you money,

why don't we schedule you
in for a few appointments?

The works.

Yee-haw!

We'll give you the body
and the face of an Adonis.

Deal.

[man snickers]

[birds chirping]
[expl*si*n]

Are you sure you
know what you're doing?

Narrator: Kevin told Allen
that he probably didn't,

because he forgotten what
they were trying to do

in the first place.

Yeah, me too.

[birds chirping]

Well, that's it I guess.

You wanna go get loaded?

Narrator: Kevin told
his fine feathered friend

that he could think of nothing finer

on such a beautiful sunny day

than to get so loaded he wasn't
aware of his surroundings.

[upbeat retro music]

[pinball machine dinging]

We are here on day three of the

World Pinball Championship for what will

surely be a historic occasion.

Young Peter Dugan is mere
moments away from obtaining

what was once thought to be impossible.

He has already shattered the
world's record for high score

and is closing in on the unthinkable,

a score of one billion points.

[suspenseful music]

[buzzer rings]

[crowed gasps]

[man crying]

[crowd yelling]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

Intercom: Please dial 118.

Holy sh*t boy, look at me!

Did your head ever get f*cked
up when yous in a coma?

Well then, how's about
imagining me back to normal

so we can get the hell out of here?

Narrator: Kevin couldn't remember

why he was in the hospital,

but he figured it must have
just been another brain injury

and he decided to never
think about it again.

That a boy, Kevin!

Screw your good for nothing brain.

Let's go home where's you don't need one.

[rock music]

Hey Kevin, how's about you get momma

a beer while's you's up?

Narrator: Kevin told fatty
to get her own damn beer

and then he asked her
why she didn't wanna know

where he'd been for the past two months.

Yous and the old man
just stopped coming around,

so I's figures yous just run off and died

in a car wreck or something.

I was gonna have a funeral for yous,

but you know, I got to
drinking and then I met Earl.

Carl.

I thought your name was Earl.

Carl.

What happened to Earl?

I don't know any Earls.

Well I do and unless yous
want me steppin' out with him,

how's about you get me a beer?

I was thinking that it
might be nice if we shared

some of the household duties,

and since I got the last
round and not to mention

that it might be a good
idea to cut down the amount

of beer you drink I was just...

Get the f*ck out of my house Earl!

Carl.

[door shuts]

Percy: Honey, I'm home!

f*ck, could this day get any worse?

[dreamy music]

Jesus H. son of a b*tch tap
dancin' flaming mother of God,

king holy Lord thundering
blasted f*cking miracles!

Is that you Percy?

The new me.

I blackmailed a couple of arsehole

plastic surgeons and got the works.

Now I ain't just pretty on the inside.

Go do something, boy.

Me and the old man is going upstairs.

Like that's gonna happen.

I don't have to have sex with you no more

cause I ain't ugly no more.

I just come home to get some
stuff, then I'm going out.

Narrator: Kevin told his
mom that his leg was itchy

and that icebergs were bigger
under the water than on top.

So then I said to my cellmate,

I don't care if you and your
friends make me your b*tch,

I ain't sharing my smokes.

[girls giggle]

You're so raw!

You're so real!

You absolutely must come
to our party next week.

It got an open bar?

Oh God, of course no
one who's anyone would

throw a party uncatered.

It's not some middle class B.Y.O.B thing.

[girl laughs]

[girls giggle]

Well then, it looks like yous
got yourself a f*cking date.

[teeth click]

Leave the tray bunghole.

[waiter sniffing]
[suspenseful music]

[man snickers]

Look, he's crying.

That's funny.

[group laughs]

[glass breaks]

[sad violin music]

Narrator: It had been three
days since the old man left

and Kevin couldn't help but notice that

his mom seemed sad and distracted,

so he figured it was a good time to steal

money from her purse.

Hey, you little prick!

Yous no f*cking better
than your old man, boy!

f*ck!

Percy leaves me, then Earl leaves me,

then my good looking new
Percy leaves me, and now,

now my good for nothing as*h*le
kid hangs me out to dry!

What the hell did I
ever do to deserve this?

Jesus: You're an alcoholic harlot,

a thief, a poor mother, and a criminal.

Jes?

I didn't know you was listening.

Jesus: I'm always listening.

Even when I's doing
it, and farting and stuff?

Jesus: Yes.

Jeez, and you think I'm a weirdo.

Take a look in the mirror pal!

Did you get it?

Did you get it?

Narrator: Kevin told his
friend that he tried his best,

but the man who ran the
store somehow found out

he was really a kid.

Well, there ain't no
point in going to the

Buskers festival now is there?

Narrator: Kevin
didn't suppose there was.

What the hell we gonna
do with the money then?

Narrator: As near
as Kevin could figure,

the very best thing to do with
the money was get a wh*re.

Sophisticated.

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

What in the name of sweet blessed Jesus

was you thinkin' boy?

Narrator: Kevin told the
bird that he thought the woman

was a prost*tute that had
dressed up like a police officer

for some sort of role playing game.

She was sitting in
the f*cking squad car!

What kind of hooker has
their own police car?

Narrator: Kevin
figured a really good one

since police cars weren't cheap.

Well, it's back to
f*cking John's school again.

Boy, you are your daddy's son.

What in the name of
huge swinging gorilla ba*ls

are you doing?

I styling my hair.

See if you can make
it hide your big fat a*s.

It ain't long enough to cover you up.

[man snickers]

You's just jealous
cause I'm f*cking hot

and you still look like I used to.

[woman laughs]

What's so funny?

Have a look in the mirror, Casanova.

f*ck, the party's tonight.

I gotta get this fixed.

We can't help you if
you don't help yourself.

If I gave a flying
f*ck about helping myself,

I wouldn't have needed you two
arseholes in the first place.

Just fix me.

Your body can't stand much more.

We'll do what we can but after
this, you're on your own.

Fine, just suck out the f*cking fat

and get rid of the wrinkles.

We can't give you anymore Botox yet.

It's too soon since your first dosage.

Listen here you big fat dink,

suck out my fat and fill my g*dd*mn head

full of Botox or I'll go to the cops.

It's your life, but listen,

you have to cut out the
beer and fatty foods

or it's going to happen again.

Yeah, sure, no problem.

[upbeat dreamy music]

Don't scratch the paint you
f*cking minimum wage jerk.

[man snickers]

Good evening Mr. Spencer.

I'm so glad you could make it.

I figured you would be.

May I offer you a drink?

Well I ain't supposed
to, but maybe just one.

[upbeat music]

[man yells]

Show me your t*ts!

[man snickers]

[upbeat music]

Look at me, look at me you lesser mortals.

Behold the perfection of the Percinator!

[stomach gurgles]

[guests yell]

What?

[man yells]

c*cksucker!

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ His head don't work ♪

♪ It never did ♪

What in the name of huge
swinging gorilla ba*ls

are you doing?

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ You'd better not cross his path ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ He's a chain smoking
alcoholic sociopath ♪

♪ Sociopath ♪