06x09 - Snowed In

[bunniefuu]

[bubbles popping]

[bell dinging]

[upbeat music]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Ha ha ha ha ha ♪

♪ Oh yeah ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

[TV fizzing]

[gentle instrumental music]

[snoring]

[gulping]

[bottle smashing]
[belching]

[thudding and crashing]

[g*n c*ck]
[ominous music]

[whooshing]

[upbeat instrumental music]

[smooching]

[gentle music]
[wind howling]

[gentle music]

[snoring]

[gulping]

[bottle smashing]
[belching]

[suspenseful music]
[chair creaking]

[g*n firing]

Ow.
[laughing]

[wind howling]

[gentle music]

Ow, ow, ow.

[snoring]

[exploding]

[upbeat hip hop music]

Boomba, nice shot.

[wind howling]
[gentle music]

[snoring]

Ow, ow, ow.

[steady hip hop beat]

[laughing]

[laughing dramatically]

[wind howling]
[gentle music]

[gulping]

Boy, what a week.

TGIF!

sh**t yourself again?
[bottle cap clinking]

Yep.

One of these days,
you's gonna k*ll yourself.

And?

Nothing, I'm just saying.

Death ain't got the f*cking stones

to take on Percy Spencer.
[gulping]

[upbeat rock music]
[wooing]

Must be Friday.

[upbeat music]

Narrator: Kevin wasn't
sure what a Friday was.

So he just nodded in agreement.

So he wouldn't appear stupid

from years of chronic substance abuse.

Well, up and at 'em.

No point lying around in bed

when we's could be having a few.

Narrator: Kevin was really sore

from sleeping on the floor.

And he was a little pissed off

at his imaginary friend
for hogging the bed.

We tossed a coin, and you lost, boy.

Fair is fair.

Narrator: Something
about losing a coin toss

to an imaginary ghost and having to sleep

on the floor of his filthy
closet bothered Kevin.

But he couldn't quite
put his finger on it.

So like most of his childhood,

he decided it would be best

just to pretend it never happened.

Face it, Kevin.

Repress the reality of your life.

[slapping]

Feel better?

Good, now let's you and me see if we can

drink enough hot liquor to
make ourselves impotent.

Narrator: Kevin said, "Race you."

[gentle scattered music]

Who's that?

Our son.

Oh right, hey Kevin.

Since you's up, bring daddy a beer.

Mommy too!

So's, you want to go upstairs and finish?

I got a beer coming.

You's can do both.

Lots of guys I know do.

You mean you's not
faithful to your husband?

[laughing]

Join the fun, boy.

You's daddy just made a joke
about me f*cking other men.

Narrator: Kevin told his parents

that he didn't feel like laughing

because he hurt so much inside.

And thus, the boy becomes a man.

Drink up, it helps.

And how.
[melancholy music]

[gulping]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪
[upbeat music]

Well, it's been nice,

but I've had it up to my
a*s with the quality time

and bullshit family bonding crap.

So I'll see you losers when I see you.

Yeah I'm think of going
[gentle music]

to the Toe and having a few.

What you's gonna do, boy?

Narrator: Kevin told
his parents that he

and his imaginary friend Allan
[upbeat hip hop music]

were going to drink
until they were impotent.

Well, your parole officer
will be relieved, anyway.

[gentle music]

Son of a wh*re!

[ominous music]

Gee, that's a lot of snow.
[gentle music]

Anyway, see ya wouldn't want to be ya.

Especially you, good for
nothing f*cking loser,

always leaching, I ought to...

sh*t!
[door slamming]

[gentle music]

Gee, boys-y.

Is there snow in the
front of the house, too?

[laughing]

Very f*cking, ha ha.

I haven't laughed the entire dang year.

It was an honest mistake.

I mean, the front of the house is closer

to the Equator than the back of the house.

[laughing]

Yeah laugh all you's want, boy,

but remember this.

I forgot what I was gonna say.

Narrator: Kevin didn't much
[upbeat hip hop music]

like the idea of being snowed in.

Mostly because it meant having to spend

so much time with his family,

who he didn't really like that much.

Well, as charming as it is sitting here

with you's two f*cking boneheads,

I'll be in the other
room with my good friend

bottle of vodka watching some TV.

"Baywatch" is on soon
and I want to make sure

I fiddle my joint looking at Hasselhoff

before's I get too loaded.

Do yourself a favor, boy,

and don't never get married.

You think life is a
wretched sh*t h*le now?

Try spending it with the same fat broad

day in and day out for years on end.

Narrator: Wow, thought Kevin,

this was almost like
having a father-son talk

with the old man, which
had never happened before.

Kevin figured this was about

as good as it was ever going to get

in terms of a proper family relationship,

so he figured now was the best time

to ask all those normal boyhood questions

sons ask of their fathers,

so Kevin took a deep breath
and asked the old man

if he would inherit the
house when he and fatty died.

First off, the way we live,

chances are we all die in
the same time in a car wreck,

house fire, or maybe
an exchange of g*nf*re.

Secondly, you don't have
to wait until we die.

This f*cking dump's got
six mortgages on it.

You want the f*cking debt, have at her.

[screaming]

Ugh, I ain't never sitting
on that couch again.

[eerie music]

f*cking cable's out.

Well now what?

Oh there's f*ck all else to do,

so's I guess we can either talk

or sit here and drink in silence.

Talk?

That's stupid.

What the hell is there
we got to talk about?

I don't know.

Well it was your idea, you go first.

What do you want to talk about?

I don't know, stuff.

Just start.

[tapping]
[gentle awkward music]

Narrator: "Hey," said Kevin.

"Why don't we tell some jokes?"

Yeah, okay.

What's the difference between

a wh*re and a drug dealer?

[playful music]

A wh*re can wash her
crack and sell it again.

[laughing]
[choking]

[laughing]

Right out your f*cking nose.

You should have seen your face.

God, you look stupid.

f*ck, I laughed, remember that, huh?

Remember the time the
beer come out your nose

and I laughed?

[laughing]

Narrator: Because Kevin was much more

a fan of slapstick than cerebral humor,

he found the beer coming
out of his mother's nose

much more funny than the witty
barb his father had pulled.

Your turn, Annie.

Geeze, a joke.

Just give me a minute to think.

Okay, okay.

Here's a little chestnut I heard

down at the Toe the other night.

Oh it made me laugh near
'til I pissed myself.

What's the difference between
a vitamin and a hormone?

You can't make a vitamin.

[laughing]

Oh that's rich.

I'd make a note of that
if I could read or write.

[laughing]

Okay broken head, it's your turn now.

Narrator: Kevin said,
"What's the difference

"between a hooker and a mop?

[gentle music]

"A mop never points at you and laughs,

"and makes you feel so dirty inside

"that you're sure your soul is crying,

"and then you lie awake at
night in a sea of tears,

"praying for the blackness of
your heart to wash over you

"and obliterate the
cruel world around you,

"as you long for the
welcome embrace of death

"to release you from the unending torment

"of your meaningless and cruel existence."

[laughing]

Good one, boy.

A bit f*cking wordy, but funny.

Geeze, look at us sitting around here,

telling stories and whatnot.

And laughing like a real family.

I gotta go take a dump.

Oh, way to ruin the mood.

Kind of like you do every time

you take off your clothes.

Well, if it's so God damn awful,

how comes you keep coming back for more?

Ah, something to do between drinks?

Kills time until the bar opens?

Whatever, you take your pick.

Do yourself a favor, boy,

and don't ever grow up
to be like your father.

You want to make sure you's
treat your woman right.

Say marriage is supposed
to be a sacred institution,

and a man is supposed to treat his wife

like she's a precious...
[farting dramatically]

[squirting and spraying]

Ah f*ck, I sh*t my pants.

Due to these tap dancing
crocks on a stack of nickels

if your family ain't the most screwed up

pack of sons of b*tches

would ever grace God's green acres.

Narrator: Kevin
couldn't help but agree.

I'll tell you what, boy.

Forget them being nice to you and all.

When push come to shove,

them b*stards would turn
on you like starving dogs.

Narrator: Kevin told
Allan that he'd seen

a starving dog once on television.

Nah, you thinking of
that Celine Dion special.

Just hear me out.
[upbeat music]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪
[upbeat music]

Just hear me out.

That snow ain't going
nowhere no time soon,

and there's only so much food and alcohol

in this here house.

You better start making
a plan to make sure

ma and pa sh*t-can don't screw you.

Narrator: Kevin
realized Allan was right,

and he figured that he'd better start

sneaking his share and
stockpiling it somewhere safe

so that if need be, he could
stay loaded until springtime.

[upbeat music]

[g*n clicking]
[bottles clinking]

Hey son.

What you doing?

Narrator: Kevin told the old man

that because he was
feeling all sentimental

after their little family bonding session,

that he figured he'd bring him some beers.

Well well well, is that right?

Because you know it looked to me like

you was trying to steal them beers,

and screw me out of my share.

What's going on?

Caught the boy stealing beers.

Blood may be blood, but beers is beers.

sh**t him.
[electricity buzzing]

[ominous music]

Fair enough.

He's running away, get him!
[feet pattering]

f*ck!
[thudding]

What happened?

I ran into the f*cking wall.

You stupid useless good-for-nothing

fat, uneducated, illiterate,
unemployed sack of sh*t!

[lighter clicking]
[gentle music]

Tell me something I don't know.

Hey, we got any candles?

No, we're fresh out
and I ain't had no time

to pop down to the Pottery Barn this week.

What with all my country
club obligations and all.

Candles, f*ck.

Like I'd know.

Just set something on fire.

I'd like to set you on fire.

Come again?

Nothing.

I think there's some
candles in the cupboard.

I'll just get them.

[steady music]

[items rattling]

We gotta get that g*n
away from your useless daddy.

He who has the g*n gets the booze.

Not to mention, you's
gonna run out of smokes,

and there ain't no way them a*s corns

is gonna make it through this weather.

Narrator: Kevin told the
bird that he'd done his best,

but that some things
were beyond his control.

But you promised me some girls, Kevin.

I got my hopes up and everything,

just to have them bashed against a rock

like some piece of garbage.

Narrator: Kevin said,
"Welcome to my world, Allan.

"Welcome to my world."

We need a plan, boy.

I know you's around
here somewhere, Kevin.

You just keep your f*cking
distance and no one gets hurt.

You's come for the liquor, I'll sh**t you.

Ain't no court in the world
would hold that against me.

It's turning into
"Lord of the Flies," boy.

Every man for himself.

We need weapons.

What about that bazooka you got?

Narrator: Kevin told
Allan that he was all

out of ammunition for the bazooka

after venting his
frustrations against society.

Okay, now this is just
off the top of my head,

you understand, I'm just
spit-balling here right,

but how's about you go downstairs,

get into the old man's skin
and get him all worked up

so he starts firing shots at you.

Then all you's gotta
do is dodge the b*ll*ts

until he runs out of a*mo.

Narrator: Kevin thought, okay.

Mostly because he wasn't
a hair too bright.

Besides, he figured, it was the only way

he was going to get some liquor.

So if it didn't work out,

then being dead seemed a whole
lot better than being sober.

So he's dumb.

Nothing, carry on.

So now what?

Geeze, boys-y.
[romantic music]

Use your head.

We's got booze and candlelight,

you's got that g*n to keep the boy away.

Ain't it romantic?

I think maybe you's and me

got a different idea of what romantic is.

Are you telling me this
don't do nothing for ya?

It's like when we was first dating.

Nah, it were just dark under
them high school bleachers.

That's because them
was outdoor bleachers.

And it was the middle of the day.

Don't you remember all
them people watching us?

f*cking nosy porkers.

They wouldn't have known we were there,

except you kept screaming deeper.

Like I had a bunch of extra
c*ck I decided not to use.

Oh, that's right.

Then I's kept screaming faster, faster.

And you's got right going.

And then you had your's very first stroke.

That's right.

Death come knocking, but the person there,

they weren't answering the f*cking door.

Yoo!

Ha ha, good times, good times.

[eerie music]

[spraying]
[candle sizzling]

What in the name of sweet
holy Divine Brown is going on?

It must be the boy,
come for the liquor.

Where's the g*n at?

It's on the table someplace.

Feel around, I can't find--
[g*n clicking]

sh**t him, boy.

It's you or them.

Come on, Kevin.

Tick tock, tick tock.

What's it gonna be, broken head?

You can do it, Kevin.

Focus, focus.

Go ahead and sh**t us, boy.

Like we'd be missing out on a lot.

[laughing]

Our lives do suck.

Narrator: The very last
thing Kevin wanted to do

was help or please his parents.

So he had lowered the g*n.

But just to be safe,

he pocketed all the a*mo

to make sure fatty and the
old man didn't cap him.

Obviously we's all want to get drunk.

So the only way this is gonna work

is if we set some rules.

You and your rules.

You're starting to sound like the man,

always trying to keep me down.

Listen to Rudy Ray Moore here,

sh**ting his f*cking mouth off.

I propose we just gather up
all the booze and smokes,

and divide 'em up equally,

and then goes our separate ways.

I propose we just gather up
all the booze and smokes,

and divide 'em up equally,

and then goes our separate ways.

Hang on, you know me
and the boy can't do math.

How's we gonna know if you's screwing us?

You's just gonna have to trust me.

Last time I did that,

you's got knocked up
with this f*cking idiot.

[laughing]

Oh no Percy, we's ain't gotta use nothing.

I'm on the pill.

Well, I thought I was.

Of all the guys who
had sampled your wares,

I gotta be the one to
f*cking knock you up.

What the hell do you
think you're doing, Kevin?

Narrator: Kevin told his mother

that he was going to fix himself a drink

to try and dull the roar of the incessant

turmoil of his family life.

Well since you's up, bring a round.

f*ck you and your show-offy
grade nine education.

I don't need no high school
math to figure this out.

All's we gotta do is make sure

that when someone goes for
a round, we all have one.

Fine, that works.

f*cking right it does.

I'd like to see that Einstein bag-licker

figure that one out.

[upbeat banjo music]

♪ I got something baby ♪

♪ Something you want ♪

♪ I got something baby ♪

♪ Something you need ♪

♪ Oh I got something ♪

♪ Something you need ♪

[gentle music]

[gulping]

[puffing]

Are you okay?

Narrator: Kevin told the man

to mind his own f*cking business.

Then he cleaned out fatty's purse,

and lifted the old man's wallet

and headed for the Toe.

I know it must have
been horrible for you, son.

Your parents, are they, are they dead?

Narrator: Kevin told the man

that as far as he was concerned,

his parents had been
dead to him for years.

But right now, they were
just passed out cold

from alcohol poisoning
because they were both pussies

who couldn't hold their booze.

Then Kevin told the man
to let go of his arm

before he tore him a new
one with a rusty shank.

What's the hurry?

Narrator: A promise, Kevin said,

to get his imaginary friend a wh*re.

[upbeat music]

[upbeat rock music]

♪ Yeah, Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Ha ha ha ha ha ha ♪

♪ Oh yeah ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

[bubbles popping]

[dinging]