07x04 - Games Without Frontiers

[bunniefuu]

[bubbles popping]

[bell dings]

[playful music]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Head don't work, it never did ♪

♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪

♪ He's a chain smoking
alcoholic sociopath ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ You better not cross his path ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ He's a chain smoking
alcoholic sociopath ♪

♪ Sociopath ♪

Oh, not this crap again.

[slow, depressing music]

[knocks on door]

What?

Mr. and Mrs. Spencer?

They moved away.

Authorities are very interested

in your son Kevin's
activities at the library.

He checked out several red flag books.

What's a book?

You may be interested

to know your son's been
reading things with titles like

"Crime and Punishment,"
"Naked and the Dead,"

"Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test."

Boy, were you reading them dirty books?

And then there was the problem

with Abby Hoffman's "Steal This Book."

Well, he stole it.

What did you expect?

It's got instructions right on the cover.

Hey, how come you's allowed to spy

on what he takes out of the library?

For the answer to that question,

you'll have to refer to subsection B,

paragraph F12 on a footnote
to a referencing document

of the new Canadian Public Safety

and Emergency Preparedness Department.

Canadian Public Safety

and Emergency Preparedness
Department can suck my big c*ck.

Don't worry, we'll make sure

he don't read so much no more.

It's messing up his melon.

Right, Melonhead?

We don't care if he
reads those porno books,

but breaking probation's another thing.

Library records state he
checked out these books

at a time after his curfew.

Holy f*ck, they're even
spying on you at the library.

We're breaching his probation.

We're placing him under house arrest.

Here's the court order.

Geez, sure is different
from when I was a kid.

Back then, the cops would just knock you

over the head a few times.

Um, that's right.

Thanks for the reminder.

Cheer up already.

There's plenty of ways to k*ll time

when you pull house arrest.

Here, I got us all set up for caps.

I win.

You better be cheered up,

because I'm already bored shitless.

Besides, it ain't like I really
give a flying fiddler's f*ck

about your emotional
well-being and general state

of happiness with your miserable,

useless life, but I am your father.

According to the court,
I'm supposed to care.

So start yammering,

and be sure to tell me when
the f*ck it is you's done

so I can quit this f*ck' charade

that I actually give a sh*t, and get on

with my own useless f*ck' life.

Narrator: Kevin told Percy
that he was feeling all dark

inside at the ever-shrinking
noose of personal freedom.

It was choking off his belief in a future

for the uncivilized
tyranny they called life.

Percy wasn't sure what
all that sh*t meant,

so he just nodded like he understood,

and tried something else
to cheer the boy up.

Check out this trick shot, boy!

[suspenseful music]

[laughs]

Narrator: Kevin told
his parents to stop trying

to cheer him up, as it
was a fashion conceit

of their own guilt feelings.

Ah, Kevin, I'm sure it
ain't anything like that.

That thing you said.

All's we was trying to tell you is

you don't gotta leave
the house to have fun.

Except to go to the liquor store.

Except for that.

Why don't we break out the old board games

and have some fun like a normal family?

Freakin' board games?

Why do you think they're
called board games?

'Cause they're effin' boring.

We can play that twisty game
where everybody has to crawl

around on the floor,

rubbing their bodies all over each other.

I remember in high school
when my uncle invited me

and my girlfriends to play

that twisty game in his rumpus room.

[gasps]

We'd crawl all over the place

whenever my aunt was out of
town, him just staring at us.

Hey, you know, looking back on
it, that was kind of creepy.

Look what I found.

It's the old Malpractice game.

You gotta put all that sh*t back

in the patient's body the wrong way.

See, I'm putting the doctor's wristwatch

in where the guy's liver should be.

[laughs]

Geez, we sure do got a lot

of politically incorrect
games from the old days.

Compulsive Gambler, Barrel of Junkies.

Cop to Commie, Don't Fake the Life.

No, no.

Let's play Monotony.

It's a game about owning real estate.

Oh, sure, sure.

Nothing's more fun than real estate.

[playful music]

[soft music]

I'm the banker on account
as I do math so good.

So?

So it means I handle all the money,

just like the real bank.

Fine, give me all the money

before I blow your f*ck' head off.

It ain't that realistic, as*h*le.

Here's everyone's starter money.

I get to be the little sombrero.

You can be the bottle cap since you seem

to have so many of them.

Oh, my Christ, I hate
this game so f*ck' much.

Your card says go to prison.

Just like my freakin' life.

One, two, uh, three.

What's after three?

[playful music]

[pounds on table]

Okay, so you just landed on
my strip club at Park Place.

You owe me 2000 bucks
in bribes and payoff.

Not if Kevin slaps your property

with a building code violation.

[suspenseful music]

f*ck.

That wiped me out.

Hey, loan me 300 bucks.

I already loaned you
all the bank's money,

then Kevin won it all.

Come on, I'll give you five
real bucks for 300 phony ones.

Narrator: Kevin asked Anastasia

how they knew when the game was over.

Don't know.

Suppose somebody's
supposed to win eventually,

but for some reason, we never
end up playing that long.

Stupid f*ck' piece of sh*t.

I'm tired of this sh*t.
[board clatters]

That's usually the
reason we never finish.

Well, how's about we play Trivia Taboo.

It was invented by Canadians.

Oh, big f*ck' deal, Trivia Taboo.

Thanks to that stupid game,

I know every album Michael
Jackson made in the '80s.

That's useful.

Just try.

[slow music]

Okay, six.

There, I landed on red.

Ask me something.

I can't.

Why not?

Because you tore up all
the colorful question cards

to make filters for your rolly cigarettes.

Well, I can't toke
'em without a filter.

What am I, some kind of British Columbian?

[glass shatters]

Narrator: Kevin said he was bored,

and figured he'd go upstairs
and get some shut-eye.

Now see what you've done?

You went and made the boy sleepy.

f*ck you and your game.

I'm gonna go watch TV.

[depressing music]

[lullaby music]

I bet you ain't so grown up yet

that your mama can't read
you a story to cheer you up.

Narrator: Kevin said
he was far too old,

and she was far too drunk
for bedtime stories,

then he reminded Anastasia

that the only thing she'd
ever read to him was a list

of his possible fathers other than Percy.

Certain blood tests hadn't panned out.

Yeah, for a while there,

I really thought you had a chance.

Well, I'm feeling drunk and sentimental.

I'll read you to sleep
with this here thing.

What to do if you have contracted an STD.

Sexual transmitted disease
can take many forms,

from minor irritants to, in
some severe cases, death.

[spooky organ music]

Ah, don't be embarrassed, boy.

We all get them, so which one you got?

Chlamydia.

That's f*ck-all.

Wait 'til you get herpes.

[groans]

Anywho, I'm bored.

[lullaby music]

You know, Percy,

this house arrest thing makes
me feel closer to the boy.

[scoffs]

Oh, yeah.

House arrest, it's a real blast,

but I'm bucking the f*ck out of here.

This sh*t blows.

[playful music]

[slow music]

If you only knew
what's in store for you.

If you only knew what then would you do,

what lies in the cards,
what rules from the death,

whatever it is, it ain't very nice.

[laughs]

From Allen the Magic
Goose, to old Dr. Seuss,

step into the noose, boy.

Hey, hey, Jimmy.

What'cha doin'?

Just tossin' some old sh*t out, Percy.

Geez, look at all
these old newspapers, eh?

Makes you try to remember

what the news was like
all those years ago.

Hmm, S*ddam Hussein receives key

to city from US President.

Yep, old news.

There's only one good
way to use a newspaper,

Jimmy, and it ain't readin'.

[laughs]

You see what I'm sayin'?

It's for wiping your arse.

I got it, Percy.

Look, um, listen,

I wanna sell all these shitty board games,

and use the money to buy
some cool video games.

That way, I don't gotta
put up with my family

when I'm enjoying myself.

Hmm, you got some
classic games here, Percy.

Organ Broker, Clueless, Ker-Splat,

Don't Bounce the Check,
hey, Hungry, Hungry Bulimic.

♪ Bulimic attack, it's
a game that spits back ♪

[laughs]

Holy frick, give me that newspaper.

When did you say this was from?

'Bout 15 years ago.

Hey, that's a picture of you, ain't it?

Mr. Spencer, you're
a hero to your community

for testifying against the Leduc brothers.

I did it for the money.

He did it for the money, folks.

Tell us, Percy, is it true two
of the culprits you informed

on are actually related to you?

Hey, hey, only by blood.

Yo, Percy, we may be three-time losers,

but we're going to get
out of prison someday,

and when we do, [laughs evilly].

Wow, what did he say after that?

I don't know, I was so
afraid I'd piss myself I fainted

before I could finish.

Gosh, so that was 15 years ago.

Uh-huh, uh-oh.

So I don't suppose you happen

to remember how long his sentence was?



That's what I figured.

Sheesh, I'm surprised
you didn't know, Percy.

I bet there's even a price on your head.

In fact, I'm just gonna
go make a phone call.

Holy sh*t, don't you
tell on my a*s, Jimmy!

Son of a b*tch!

[electronic beeping]

[ceiling thuds]

What's that f*cking kid doing up there?

[phone rings]

Percy, I think you're
getting another death threat

from them Leduc fellas.

That's right, Spencer.

Do you know what time it is?

Percy: I can't tell time.

It's time to settle some scores.

[laughs evilly]

Yeah, well, you don't scare me.

No?

No.

Pourquoi?

Pourquoi?

I'll tell you pourquoi.

I went and got a restraining
order against you,

you son of a b*tch.

[laughs evilly]

You'd want to hold on to
that piece of paper, Spencer.

You're gonna need something
to clean up the blood.

[laughs evilly]

[dial tone beeps]

Anastasia: Ouch!

Jesus, watch what you're
doing with that thing!

[suspenseful music]

[upbeat hip-hop music]

Narrator: After his house arrest ended,

Kevin decided he'd do some research on

what makes a really fun game,

so he dropped in on the school's

recognized extracurricular
gaming consortium.

By using these imaginary characters,

we can invest a lot of our personal issues

and get competitive acting out.

Ooh!

I rolled a 27.

That puts an end to your throw, Gore.

[laughs]

Now I possess your many bribes.

Narrator: Kevin asked
the delusional nerds

if they weren't becoming obsolete,

since computer games made the youths

as unnecessary as
listening to radio drama.

Yes, but at least we have
our friends we can talk to.

Now f*ck off!

[upbeat hip-hop music]

Hey, you!

You ever see this guy before?

Percy Spencer?

Oh, sure, he's that
chiseling son of a b*tch

who's never anted up on his tab and...

who, uh, tragically
died several months ago,

suffocating on a prophylactic.

I did not.

I mean, that's not how it happened.

He died in a manly way,

trying to save a truckload
of kitten from a forest fire,

and some child molester.

We heard he was alive.

We heard he still drinks here.

Somebody's been f*ck'
around with you, buddy.

You got a fast mouth, chubby.

You better not be here when
I come back, or I'm gonna...

[stream splattering]

I'm gonna...

Suddenly, this here place
smell like the pee-pee in here!

Let's get out of this dump
before we catch something!

[crickets chirping]

Boy, I've been coming up

with them splentastical schematics,

speculatin' on your new participatory,

real-time, real-world interactive game.

We're gonna put people

on the social assistance merry-go-round,

and check out what happens

when their playing piece
lands on your slum property.

[trap cracks]

That kind of trouble is lots of fun.

[laughs]

Percy, Kevin wants us

to try his new board game
that he invented now.

I'm busy.

Anastasia: Come on, you
can bring your g*n with you.

Narrator: Kevin told his folks

that his game was called Irony,

that it had no point, and
at the end, everyone loses.

Sounds like fun, right, Percy?

Let's just get this sh*t over

with before someone sneaks in
and blows my f*ck' head off.

Narrator: Kevin said
he was really proud

of his new board game,

and told his parents they
better like it or else.

Your arsonist just landed on my hotel.

Six, six, six.

You rolled three sixes,
you gotta go to hell.

Hey, you go to f*ck' hell.

[crunching]

No, in the game.

Move your piece here.

Oh, so what's it say now?

The card says you get
addicted to painkillers.

Go back two spaces.

Wow, that's almost too real.

[crunching]

Well, the drugs are real
enough, that's for sure.

Spin the cough syrup, Ma.

[b*mb beeps]
It says you join

the police b*mb squad.

Move your piece into
the space marked danger

for a big surprise.

Mmm!

You know, boy, I bet your
teachers will be impressed

with how creative you are.

Yeah, go brown-nose at
school for f*ck's sake.

I'm going someplace to lay low.

[upbeat hip-hop music]

[suspenseful music]

Wow.

It's been a while since we had
a Rastafarian rabbi in here.

I ain't a rabbit.

I'm hiding out from some
guys I rolled over on,

so just give me a back rub

and a hand job so I can
get out of here again.

So you're that Spencer guy.

Sure, just lie down on that table

and I'll go get some
extra spicy lubricant.

[laughs]

This massage table
smells like the last guy.

You can at least sweep
the back hair off it.

That wasn't from his back.

f*ck, just hurry up.

Here's your rub down, Spencer.

[glass shatters]
[Percy yells]

Aw, he's getting away.

I should have had someone
guarding the window.

Don't worry, boys, he can't run forever.

[hard rock music]

[upbeat hip-hop music]

Remember, as soon as
they put the boy in jail,

we ditch him and move to a new town.

All right, next on the
docket, Kevin Spencer.

You're charged with
as*ault with expl*sives,

resulting in the crippling

of your high school marching band.

[playful music]

He came to the cafeteria
with his new board game.

The f*ck' thing nearly
blew our hands off, man.

I'd like to call our expert
on the occult to testify.

Sir, in your opinion,

do you think Kevin Spencer
drinks the blood of orphans?

You'd have to be
Ret*rded not to think so.

Your honor, it's obvious
given this boy's fondness

for dark rituals and affection
for the demonic music

of Jann Arden, we must
conclude that this hellion,

this delinquent vandal, had
every motive, every reason,

every opportunity to
commit this villainous act.

I want the jury to hear how the
marching band used to sound,

[sniffles] and how
they'll never sound again.

Your honor, this is a shameless attempt

to curry sympathy from the jury.

I'll allow it.

[marching band music]

Thanks to this evil
young man, we'll never know

what artistic heights these young people

could have achieved.

Ah, give me a f*ck' break.

He's obviously guilty.

Look at him.

All the normal kids go
to the big school dances.

They revel in the normal
milestones that we all shared,

but this, this degenerate resorts

to hanging out alone in
ravines, and under bridges.

Very expensive bridges.

Your honor, I propose this
boy's confession was acquired

with unethical force.

I demand we enter his evidence footage

of how Kevin's confession was acquired.

I bet you wish you
had a Satanic pentagram

on your chest, don't ya, Kevin?

Here, use this magic marker.

Hang on, you're doing it wrong.

No, no, I'll help you.

Wait, it's gotta be upside
down so it looks really evil.

Mr. Connor, where
did you get your degree

in the occult sciences?

I drew it myself with a crayon.

Sir, don't you think finding
someone guilty based solely

on their religious beliefs
amounts to persecution?

No.

Holy sh*t, it's them.

They tracked me down.

f*ck, what am I gonna do?

[yawns]

Ladies and gentlemen, after
little to no consideration,

I hereby find the defendant guilty of--

Wait, wait!

It was my fault.

I built the game, and I told
the boy to bring it to school.

I'm guilty.

You gotta put me in prison.

Oh, one scapegoat's as good as another.

Percy Spencer, I sentence
you to three months.

[gavel bangs]

[laughs]

How do you like them apples, Leduc?

Now I'm in the joint
where you can't get me.

[laughs]

We'll get you eventually, Spencer.

Hey, you're Sir Leduc.

I just issued a restraining order

against you a few days ago,
and now you're contravening it

by coming within 200
meters of Percy Spencer.

Officer, put them all
in the same paddy wagon.

Leduc's going back to prison.

What?

No, you can't put us in at the same time.

f*ck!

[slow rock music]

[laughs evilly]

[playful music]

Holy freakin' ugh!

Ugh!

[punches landing]
[Percy groaning in pain]

[upbeat rock music]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Head don't work, it never did ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Sociopath ♪

Percy: What's a book?

[bubbles popping]

[bell dings]