07x07 - The Buck Stops Here

[bunniefuu]

[bubbles popping]

[ding]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ His head don't work, it never did ♪

♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪

♪ He's a chain smoking,
alcoholic, sociopath ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ You'd better not cross his path ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ He's a chain smoking,
alcoholic, sociopath ♪

♪ Sociopath ♪

Oh, not this crap again.

[static]

[police siren wailing]

[ominous music]
[Percy breathing heavily]

No!

[clock ticking]

[door shuts]

I didn't make it.

[somber music]

Well, that's it for me.

Where's the g*n at?

I'm gonna go k*ll myself.

Load two b*ll*ts.

Narrator: Kevin couldn't believe

what quitters his parents were.

And told them that if they weren't

so g*dd*mn lazy and stupid,

then they could get themselves
nice and liquored up,

by just going to a bar.

Oh, sure, in theory that
all makes perfect sense.

But you know as well as me,

we ain't got enough money
for getting bar drunk.

Narrator: It was times like that,

that Kevin felt mostly nothing,

since he hadn't really
been born with emotions.

Either way, he had a plan,

and he figured he'd let
his parents tag along,

because they had more smokes than he did.

[door opens]

[soft piano music]

Geez, Kevin, I don't think
we's can afford to drink here.

Not to mention, the
food's more f*cking expensive

than a high-class Vegas wh*re.

May I help you?

Narrator: Kevin cut in

before his parents could blow the scam,

and told the waiter to bring them

three pitchers of draft,
and three glasses.

Draft? [chuckles]

How perfectly common.

I'm afraid the only beer we
stock is imported and bottled.

Then bring us each
two of the cheapest one.

And perhaps an appetizer to begin with?

We's just here for the booze.

Narrator: Kevin jumped
in and told the waiter

to ignore his father,
because he was stupid.

Then he told the waiter to
bring them three filet mignons,

with all the trimmings, a
bottle of their best wine,

and some ketchup, mustard, and relish.

Huh.

Uppity a-hole thinks
he's better than us.

I got half a mind to work him real good,

just to shows him you can't
push us Spencers around.

So what's the deal, Kevin?

How's we gonna pay for this?

Narrator: Kevin told his
parents that they weren't.

That when the bill came,
they would just run.

f*ck, you's a genius.

Some genius, we's fat.

And we smokes three packs a day each,

and we's gonna be half caught,
we ain't out running nobody.

Narrator: Kevin told
his mom she was wrong,

and that he wasn't fat.

Give it a few years.

She's got a point thought.

We's f*cked.

Not necessarily.

You got a plan?

No, no, I don't.

[silverware clanks]

Ah, well, ain't like

it'll be the first time
we's been arrested, dig in.

[chewing]

[gulping]
[farting]

[burping]

[Percy exhales]

Oh, man, I shoulda
worn my stretch pants.

[Kevin breathing heavily]

That was some good mother-f*cking meat.

It's called, a fileted mig-noon,

you unedu-learned moron.

Will there be anything else?

No?

Good, here's the bill.

Yeah, okay, just give
us one minute, please.

I believe by giving us a moment,

my lovely wife meant for you
to f*ck off for a minute.

[waiter scoffs]

[somber music]

What are we gonna do?

Narrator: As near
as Kevin could figure,

all he had to do was run
faster than his parents.

[energetic music]

[dramatic music]

I'm, uh...

I'm just gonna use the washroom.

I also

need to use...

Excuse me, sir, might this
be the way to the washroom?

The only way you're
walking out of here,

without paying your tab,
is by police escort.

He made me do it.

I'm an abused wife.

I've seen her naked,

if anyone in this
relationship's abused, it's me.

Verbal abuse.

See,

see, see?

Save it for the police, you obese pig.

[Percy laughs]

She is fat.

Anywho...

[playful music]

[woman screams]

[tires squeal]

Man, I told you to go easy.

Your body ain't used to eating good food.

It don't know what to do with it.

Narrator: Kevin told the bird

that he knew what he could do.

Don't sass mouth the bird, boy.

You get winded up, and
I'm liable to go off.

Narrator: Kevin really
wanted to slap the beak

clean off his imaginary friend,

but he couldn't quite wrap his head around

how that would be possible,

let alone muster the energy
to drag his bloated a*s

to his feet to do it.

Coward!

[ominous music]

Yo, what up with you
being in our park, b*tch?

Wake up, boy, there's
some ruffians about.

Narrator: Kevin couldn't
quite make out what Allen said,

so he screamed at him to
screw off and go to hell.

You want me to cap him?

Narrator: It was about that time

that Kevin figured the voice
he heard wasn't imaginary,

and that he might better see
what the hell was going on.

[lighter flicks]

[Kevin exhales]

Not yet, G.

Let's bully him for a while first,

and maybe if you're good,
I'll let you cap him.

Oh, look like you's in some
kind of trouble now, Kevin.

Whatever is we gonna do?

Narrator: Kevin couldn't help but laugh

at the bored middle class
kids in front of him.

Mostly because they dressed
and acted like stereotypes

of tough inner-city American kids,

even though they all
lived in a nice suburb

in a small Ontario town.
[Kevin and Allen laughing]

You won't be laughing no
more, if you keep on laughing,

you know what I mean?

Narrator: Kevin said that, no,

he didn't know what he meant,

since he had blatantly
contradicted himself,

while trying to construct
a simple sentence,

that would been hard pressed to challenge

the language skills of a
semi-literate eight year old.

sh*t, what up?

Yo, you all just signed
your death warrant, G.

Narrator: Kevin told the g*ng leader,

that when it came to violence,

he pretty much figured he'd be fine.

And then to prove his point,

he busted him a real sweet
one in the side of the neck,

and kicked him in the
ribs on the way down.

Kevin figured that ought to straighten

his wannabe hip-hop a*s out.

[crickets chirping]
[somber music]

Look, man, we don't want no trouble.

We were just looking to
have some fun, that's all.

Narrator: Never one to shy away

from exploiting other
humans for personal gain,

Kevin saw an opportunity
to have a few kicks

and maybe make some money along the way.

Attaboy, Kevin.

Be their messiah, oh, lead
them to the promise land.

And when you get there,

don't forget to buy some
more smokes, we's almost out.

Narrator: Kevin told the
rest of the g*ng members

that if they really wanted to be

tough and cool and have some fun,

then they should come with him.

What about him?

[g*ng leader groaning]

Narrator: Kevin figured
the only way to deal with

such an insubordinate insurgency so early

in his tenure as leader, was to b*tch slap

the other kids, three ways
sideways in front of everyone,

just so they'd know who was boss.

Okay, okay, stop hitting me.

I never liked him anyway.

I'll do whatever you say.

Well, this has all the
hallmarks of a promising venture.

Narrator: Kevin sure
did like the sounds

of having a group of
blindly subservient minions

at his beck and call.

Now all he had to do was figure out

how best to exploit them,
before they caught on.

But first thing's first,

he told them to give him all their money,

so he could buy smokes
and a bottle of rye.

[Kevin laughs]

[chair creaks]

Get me a drink before you's sit down.

We's out.

Oh yeah.

Man, life sucks.

None of this would have
happened if the g*dd*mn government

didn't control all the booze stores.

We should move to Quebec,
where's you can get booze there

anytime you want, 'cause I mean,

every corner store has got booze.

Why can't Ontario be like that,

instead of some g*dd*mn
backwards thinking,

booze police state?

They got no right to tell me
when I can and can't buy booze.

It's my God given right to not work

and get hammered everyday,
and they's trying to stop me.

Well, I've had enough.

But you's just one man, Percy Spencer.

One fat,

unwashed man.

And one man can't take on no government.

Oh, I'm not gonna
take on the government,

I'm gonna take over the government.

Percy Spencer is running for office.

Just as soon as I take a dump.

[toilet flushes]

[playful music]

What exactly are you running for?

Usually the nearest
liquor store. [laughs]

But I kid, I wanna run
this f*cking province,

'cause the guys doing it
now are stupid a-holes.

You can't just decide to run

for an elected office, Spencer.

You have to go through
all the official channels,

to be considered on the ballot.

Huh?

You're a fool.

And don't think we don't know it was you

who ruined our garden.

Gardens are for losers anyway.

Look at me, I have flowers,
la-de-da, I'm an idiot.

Just to prove you wrong,

I'm gonna officially enter the election,

and I'm gonna win, and the
first thing I'm gonna do

after I get booze in every
store, is outlaw gardens

and the as*h*le people
who think they're cool.

Good day to you.

It sure was surprisingly quick and easy

for you to become a political candidate.

Not to mention, convenient.

Yeah, and also quite fortunate

that there just happened
to be an upcoming election.

[soft music]

[upbeat music]

And while I would like
to promise that no new taxes

would be introduced, the reality remains,

that in order for our nation to sustain

it's current social programs,

while at the same time
addressing the deficit,

there may come a need for increased taxes.

Blah, blah, blah.

Mr. Spencer, I remind you once again,

to please not interrupt
the other candidates.

What, am I the only one who's sick

of listening to some a-hole
politician sh**t his mouth off?

[audience members agreeing]

Quiet.

Quiet, please.

Everyone be quiet.

Oh, that's just typical,

tell the voting public to be quiet.

That's not what I, uh...

Let him speak!

That's not how we do things.

Look pal, this ain't f*cking America,

you can't just ignore the voters

and do whatever the f*ck you like

and make up new rules, and
ignore other ones and sh*t,

just so you can f*cking line
your own f*cking pocket.

I mean, all politicians is lying assholes,

but that jack hole takes the f*cking cake.

f*ck, and they wonder why people
is all pissed off at them.

I'll tell you why, nobody
likes the f*cking dumb a*s

two-faced, lying, religious,
crackpot, b*stard, bully,

with his head jammed so far up the a*s

of every crooked son of
a b*tch, corporate CEO

and two bit f*cked up dictator,

that he's blind to the fact,

that the whole f*cking
country is on the verge

of economic collapse.

But as f*cked up and
crooked as that guy is,

at least he's got the
common sense to let people

buy booze whenever the f*ck they want.

Which makes sense, because if ever there

was a f*cking guy who makes
you want to crawl into a bottle

for a few years and
wait for the sh*t-storm

of his stupidity and
corruption to explode,

it's that useless drunk
driving, draft dodging,

on a technicality, lying,
environmental, r*pist,

lap dog of a daddy's boy.

That guy's a f*cking
Republican party's hard-on.

He just goes wherever he's pushed.

Um, uh, this is Canada, Mr. Spencer.

I know, I'm just saying, is all.

But with your respect to your policies,

what exactly is the
cornerstone of your campaign?

Forgetting for a minute,

that I don't really
understand your question,

all's I gotta say is this,

if you's elect me as premier
of this here province,

then I'm gonna make sure we's
get civilized like Quebec.

And let every corner store
in the province sell booze.

Let's say it's three
in the f*cking morning

and you's just run out of Cooleys,

and you still want to have
a few to take the edge off.

Right now, the government makes
sure you can't buy no more.

I'll make sure you can get
good and g*dd*mn drunk,

whenever the hell you want.

That's it?

And what about your economic policy,

social programs, environmental issues?

I don't know, I'll hire
some f*cking eggheads who care

and they can figure it all out.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I'm going to The Toe.

Miss Nude Oshawa is there tonight,

and I hear from the fellas,

she's got a store-bought rack bigger than

two bags of potatoes
stuffed in a garbage bag.

[men cheering]

It is the norm for all
candidates to remain on stage

for the deration of the debate.

Go to hell!

Vote for me or go to hell!

Maybe they ain't coming,

what if they don't come, huh?

What then, man?

For God's sake, what then?

Narrator: Kevin told Allen,

that he'd been thinking of walruses

and hadn't heard what he said.

Before his imaginary friend

could reiterate the point, however,

Kevin's posse of
semi-privileged suburban kids,

who didn't have the ba*ls to
play for big stakes showed up.

Here's you alcohol, Kevin.

Narrator: Kevin wasn't
too happy with the haul,

since it was only enough to blind him

from the harsh realities of
his life for a day or so.

That's all my parents had
in their liquor cabinet, sorry.

Narrator: Kevin told
the boy to never, ever

under any circumstances,
interrupt his drinking again.

It's just that, well, we
were all kinda hoping to,

you know, do g*ng things,
but all you seem to wanna do,

is to have us steal
alcohol from our parents,

then stand around watching you get drunk.

So what is we gonna do
with these here morons?

Narrator: As near
as Kevin could figure,

the best way to see if they had
the stones to be a real g*ng

was a good old-fashioned
fight with another real g*ng.

Like some hardcore bikes, for instance.

Oh, we ain't gonna fight though, is we?

Narrator: Of course not, Kevin said.

They were just going to stand back

and watch these idiots get
their asses handed to them.

Ain't that gonna wreck this
here, free booze pop-line?

Narrator: Yes, said Kevin.

Yes, it would.

But sometimes you had to
make personal sacrifices

in order to watch people
get savagely beaten.

[upbeat tune]

Good evening, I'm Terrence Blonley,

with an update of
tonight's election results.

Joining me to offer his
insight and keen analysis,

is journalist and political
commentator, Andrew Littlecock.

Mr. Littlecock, what an unfortunate name,

any surprises so far?

Obviously, with less than 50%

of the poll showings so far,

it's too early to make
any bold predictions.

But I will say this,

Percy Spencer has struck
a cord with the public.

Whoas it, what's it, me?

Don't you remember,

you was running for
premier of the province.

That doesn't sound
like something I'd do.

Well, you did.

Shut up, I wanna see
if I'm gonna be famous.

Does Percy Spencer actually have a shot

at winning this election?

From what I'm hearing,

this may the closest election in history.

Clearly the voting public is fed up

with the status quo of government,

and I think that they are voting more

for change than the actual
candidate in question.

Let's talk hypotheticals.

If Mr. Spencer should win,

what would his government look like?

Well, if his one and only
appearance is anything to go by,

unwashed, and ravaged by
years of substance abuse

and a poor diet.

You mean, there's really
a chance you might win?

Yeah, I guess.

I don't care.

[knocking]

Oh, for f*ck's sakes, I
just sat down six hours ago.

What the hell is going on?

Mr. Spencer, Mr. Spencer,

the polls are only open
for another two hours,

do you have any last minute words

to constituents who still
haven't visited the polls?

Look, unless you's
here to visit my pole,

you can piss off my g*dd*mn property.

I'm out of the race.

You heard it here first, folks.

Front runner, Percy Spencer
is withdrawing from the race,

potentially turning his
back on a six-figure salary,

and all the perks and fringe benefits

of being premier of the province.

Hang on, six-figure salary?

I changed my mind.

Mr. Spencer, can we come in.

I'd like to film you,
while the results come in,

and get a sense of your home life.

I think our viewers would love it.

Sure, I'll be the one on the couch.

What do you have in mind, Kevin?

Narrator: Kevin told his g*ng to relax,

and that he was going to go inside

and get a g*n he'd agreed to buy.

A g*n.

Isn't that dangerous?

Narrator: Kevin told
them, that if they wanted

to be a real g*ng, then they
were going to need a g*n.

Then he told them to all wait
in the alley, behind the bar,

and he'd be out in a minute.

[dramatic music]

Did you get it?

Can I see it?

This is so cool.

Narrator: Kevin told
them, if they really thought

they were a g*ng, then he
had something even better

for them than a g*n.

A savage dose of reality.

I hear you guys think
Harleys are for f*ggots.

Narrator: Kevin figured
that oughta teach them

to co-opt another culture's stereotype.

[playful music]

[Percy chugging]

[cameraman laughs]

Well, the polls have closed.

And with all but one district reporting,

we have a virtual tie.

What do you make of this, Andrew?

This race is tighter than a--

Hang on, I'm sorry to interrupt,

I've just gotten confirmation
that the final numbers are in

and the incumbent has won.

Percy Spencer, the grassroots champion

of the common man, has lost
the election by two votes,

making this the closest election

in the history of democracy.

Well, that's, that,
I'm going to The Toe.

Mr. Spencer, how does it feel

to have come so close to your dream?

Well, you win some, you lose some.

Quite frankly, I stopped
giving a f*ck a long time ago.

Just think what the
outcome would have been

if me and fatty had voted.

But if you two voted,
you would have won.

You would have been premier.

Yeah, but I woulda
had to get off the couch

and go the school gymnasium
around the corner,

then in line, listening
to people like you.

The place ain't licensed.

I made my decision and I stand by it.

But the taxpayers would
have paid your salary.

They already do, baby, they already do.

[soft music]

[Percy snoring]

[Percy chugging]
[tires squeal]

[Percy laughs]

[Kevin and Anastasia laugh]

Yee-haw!

[Percy laughs]

Yee-haw!

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ His head don't work, it never did ♪

♪ Kevin spencer ♪

♪ Sociopath ♪

Percy: Oh, that's just perfect.

Now, I'm never gonna find out who wins.