07x10 - Uncle Lester

[bunniefuu]

[whimsical music]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Head don't work it never did ♪

♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪

♪ He's a chain smoking
alcoholic sociopath ♪

♪ Keven spencer ♪

♪ You better not cross his path ♪

♪ Kevin spencer ♪

♪ He's a chain smoking alcoholic
sociopath, sociopath. ♪

Oh not this crap again.

[liquid bubbling]

Place an egg in boiling water

and wait for six minutes.

[water bubbling]

Ah, f*ck it's all so confusing.

No wonder I don't never cook nothin'.

Mornin' Sasquatch.

f*ck off.

Uh huh.

We's out of coffee.

Any chance you's runnin'
out and gettin' some?

Any chance of you sobering
up and gettin' a job?

Touche.

Oh well when in Rome.

[door creaking]

[splashing]

[crashing]

Here's to forgettin'.

Here, here.

Geez my stones is itchy.

Oh yeah, I forgot to tell ya,

we got crabs.

Could be me, coulda been you.

Tomato, Tomoto, either
way ointment's in the can

beside the rat trap.

Be a doll and run get that for me?

[laughing]

Ah Jesus Percy, me
doing something for you.

Ah you really had me goin' there.

Ah, well you gotta take a shot.

Where's the boy?

Still sleepin', not home, dead in a ditch.

You guess is as good as mine.

Fine I'll do it myself,

but for the record I'd just like to state

that as the man of this house

it would be nice if
someone else did something

for the good of the
family once in a while.

Listen pot gut,

every day I don't plunge a
f*ck' ax through your head

I'm doin' somethin' for you.

So just lay off with the
f*ck' me, me, me bullshit

and go put some crab
ointment on your wiener.

Well I never.

[soft music]

[splatting]

Done and done.

Hello good health, welcome back.

The name's Spencer,

Percy Spencer.

Hey ladies check this sh*t out.

That's right Percy's in the house.

[smacking]
Oh!

Son of a!

Ow!

Why did I do that?

Wife: Shut up idiot!

Don't make me come down there.

Wife: Bring it on chubby!

Oh I'll bring it all right.

Ah!

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

That's gonna leave a mark.

Ow, ow.

[gasping]

[wife laughing]

[knocking]

Wife: Answer the door stupid.

Whatever the f*ck you selling

you can jam up your
sweet blessed baby Jesus

you're me with the Hitler mustache.

Pa, Pa, Percy.

How the f*ck you know my name?

It's me Percy, Lester.

Your brother.

Well how the f*ck do I know

you ain't just yankin' my chain?

Well I look exactly
like you for starters.

That could just be an
extremely fortunate coincidence

for you on a count I'm
so f*ck' good lookin'.

I know it must be a shock to you,

but do you really not remember me?

With all due respect
I drink so much today

that I have a hard time
remembering anything.

Can I at least come in an explain?

Yes, if you give me $7.

Got change for a $50?

I'll owe ya.

[door banging]

[whimsical music]

Anastasia?

Lester?

Percy.

I mean you two know each other?

Uh, uh, uh we haven't
seen each other in uh,

uh yes.

Let me get this straight.

You knew I had a brother
and you never told me?

It never came up.

You and Percy huh?

Yeah, let me guess you're successful,

you got a nice house, a nice car?

I do all right.

Teach me to flip a f*ck' coin.

And what pray tell
is the meaning of that?

Uh, well uh you's both bound

to find out sooner or later.

So's I might as well come clean.

I was doin' ya both, but
don't get all worked up,

it weren't a family thing.

There were plenty of other
guys in the mix as well,

but long story short I got knocked up

and as near as I could
figure it must of been one

of you two who done it.

I figured the kid would
look enough like either one

of you that it wouldn't
make no difference.

So's I flipped a coin, Percy won.

So the boy might not be mine?

That means I might have a son?

f*ck that's my out.

We've gotta get the little freak tested.

If he's your kid I'm off the hook.

You and big pants can deal with 'em.

Yeah and what the
hell are you gonna do?

Maybe I'll just go back
to being a swingin' bachelor?

I'll have a really f*cking cool apartment

with lots of car posters and sh*t.

f*ck' waterbed, cool stereo.

[record scratching]

[upbeat music]
[clanking]

[splashing]

[splashing]

[plopping]

Here's to pleasure baby.

Pleasure with me cost $300 an hour.

Well then baby,

don't let the door hit
your a*s on the way out,

because I can masturbate for free

and have more booze for me.

Zim zam kazam.

[smacking]

Man that'd be sweet.

Oh you better hope he ain't your kid,

'cause if he is you ain't goin' nowhere's

and don't think I'm gonna
forget this betrayal.

Maybe this wasn't a good idea.

I should just leave.

You ain't goin' nowhere pal.

Anastasia.

He's right if the boy's your kid

then we's comin' to live with you

and bye to bye if we do,

don't expect me to help
out with raisin' him none.

I put in my time so far,

you can f*ck' do the rest 'till he's 18

and we kick the broken headed
freak out onto the street.

But he's your son.

[laughing]

[laughing]

Oh wait 'till you meet 'em.

I swear to God

after 10 minutes you'll never
wanna lay eyes on 'em again.

Come on we's gotta get
some blood out of the boy.

Yeah, and this time
for a legitimate reason.

[banging]

f*ck' door was unlocked
stupid you didn't have

to kick.

I got my reasons.

[horse panting]

[horse panting]

f*ck' boy and his fish.

Well, he ain't here.

Must not have come home last night.

When was the last time you saw 'em?

Jeez I don't know, week, 10 days maybe?

You know it has been a while.

Well, no point in standing
around here waitin' for 'em

when we could be sittin' in
front of the TV gettin' lickered

and waitin' for 'em.

So what, so what's the
deal with the mustache?

You don't like it?

Me I think it would kinda remind people

of Hitler and you know
that guy was an as*h*le.

I really like the look though.

It kind of anchors my features.

Hey, it's your face I'm just sayin'.

Yeah, maybe you're right.

Lousy creep ruins this
mustache for everybody.

Where you goin'?

I'm meetin' some guys who
answered my personal add,

oh I mean I have some errands to run.

You ask me she's probably
off to see some guy.

And that doesn't bother you?

Not as much as havin' to do her myself.

Keep an eye out for broken
head and bring smokes.

If I start carin' I'll try.

Shouldn't we be
looking for Kevin as well?

Nah, here's the thing.

He always comes home sometime,

so we just gotta sit and wait.

And if he don't, then that
probably means he's dead.

In which case it don't matter none.

I guess what I'm trying

to say is I don't feel
like gettin' off the couch.

[spritzing]

[gulping]

Come on miss, miss, miss.

[crashing]

I knew it.

[funky music]

Narrator: Kevin asked Allen

if he thought he was a good bowler

or if he'd just gotten
lucky 20 shots in a row.

Yiff yiff yiff as*h*le.

Narrator: Kevin also
couldn't help but notice

that Allen was a really bad bowler

and he made sure to point it out

because he really wanted
to humiliate his friend

and see if he could make him cry.

Because that's the kind

of thing Kevin thought was really funny.

It never occurred to
Kevin that that was one

of the main reasons why he
didn't have any real friends.

Well your mom and dad are your friend

when you have stuff they want,

but hey you always got bowling.

Maybe when you's older
you can marry bowling

and the two of you can live together?

Narrator: Kevin told the bird

to shove his bad sportsmanship
up his feathered a*s

and to hurry up and take his shot.

I can't hold the ball right.

I got no fingers.

[thudding]

f*ck' bit of old g'in
b*stard sh*t, g*dd*mn it.

[laughing]

Hey isn't that your mom
makin' out with that guy?

Mom: Oh yes, oh, oh yes.

Your mommy is a wh*re,
you're mommy is a wh*re.

Who's laughing now broken head?

Listen I ain't much for bowlin',

so's you just wanna go
someplace and have one off?

Oh, uh, hey Kevin.

Boy, this would be awkward if I cared.

Narrator: Kevin wanted
to know who the guy was,

just what in the hell his
mother thought she was doing,

and also if she could
lend him some beer money?

No on the money thang.

What I'm doin' here is
none of your business

and this is uh.

Jim.

What's going on here?

Well I guess he's gonna
find out sooner or later,

so's I may as well come clean.

This here's my boy Kevin.

I'm still married.

Oh, that reminds me Kevin
you've got an uncle Lester,

unless he's you're daddy.

In which case I guess
you got an uncle Percy.

One of them knocked me up.

Your guess is as good as mine.

They want you to take some blood test

to figure it all out.

Narrator: Kevin was aghast,

if Percy wasn't his real father,

then the whole foundation of
his childhood was shattered.

Well, that's a bit dramatic.

Look at the outside,

Lester's got himself a lot
more money than fat boy.

If I was you I'd take the test

and pray to God you's Lester's,

so's you can own in on the cash.

I'll dump Percy in a heartbeat

and you's and me can go
live with daddy Lester.

She's got a point Kevin,

you ain't gettin' any younger

and it cost more money
to get you loaded now.

Not to mention you's up to
three packs of smokes a day.

We could use the cash.

He's talkin' to the imaginary goose

that lives in his head.

Anyway I kinda got something goin' here,

so's be's a peach and f*ck off home,

so's ya daddy and uncle can cut ya

and get some of your blood.

Kids eh,

boy I'm tellin' ya bein' a
mother is a full-time job,

So is we knockin' one off or what?

Hey Marty it's me Annie sweep
out the stockroom you're up.

So if we're brothers
you must know my parents?

Um, yes.

So if we grew up together
what was I like as a kid?

'Cause I only remember
from like high school or so

and that's a bit sketchy.

Believe it or not

for a long time you were the one

everybody thought was gonna make it.

Come on Percy, you can't
do homework all the time.

I have to if I want
to get into University.

But you're only in grade five.

University isn't for years.

It won't be in my future
ever if I don't buckle down

and keep my grades up.

You know son there's more
to life than just academics.

None as important though.

Come here.

Listen Percy I'm proud of you,

and your mother and I are really happy

that you care so much
about getting good grades,

but you have to have a little fun.

There's nothing wrong with
putting the books away

for a little while and just being a kid.

But I wanna be something Dad,

someone important.

Someone who makes a difference.

If I'm going to get into
the University I want to,

then I have to make
sure I have good grades.

But they won't mean
anything if you don't know

how to interact with people.

That's why Universities

wanna know about your outside interests.

Successful people are
well-rounded people Percy,

and well-rounded people do
more than just one thing,

like homework.

I guess.

Looking for one of these?

Wow, where'd you get that?

I kinda had a sneaking suspicion

you'd be in the market for one,

so I stopped at the sporting
goods store on the way home.

Thanks dad, you're the best.

I'll be right down Lester.

[kids bantering]

[intense music]

[banging]

[crashing]
Ah!

[thudding]

That was pretty much it for University.

The doctor said you suffered
permanent brain damage.

Thank God, huh University.

Look at me everybody I's educated

so I'm smart and better than.

Better than what?

So's if we were living all
right the old man had a job

and sh*t, then what the hell went wrong?

'Cause as far as I remember we was poor

and the old man was always loaded.

Oh sure he was mean an neglectful,

but that son of a b*tch could drink

and not work like nobody's business.

It all started with that baseball.

Things just went downhill from there.

[car screeching]

[car door banging]

[car door banging]

They're here, everybody get ready.

Mother hair.

Lester, straighten out tie.

Percy, where's Percy?

I told him to get changed.

Go find your brother Lester.

Make sure he's presentable.

I'll get the door

[sloshing]

I don't normally go

to the homes of my employees for dinner

because it seems like a cheap
outdated sitcom plot sort

of thing to do, but I made
an exception for you Spencer.

We're happy to have you.

I see big things for you Spencer.

The company's growing and I need a man

to head up the East Coast division.

I never promote until I break bread

with a man to see how he runs his home.

I'm sure we'll meet your standards.

Now, shall we make our way to the table?

Oh and honey can you go check on the boys?

Kids uh, it seems like they
run on a different clock.

Have you tried hitting them?

A good tree switch or a
wooden cane does the job.

I sure will give
that some consideration.

[clock ticking]

Um, Dad can I talk to you for a minute?

Uh excuse me, I'm sure
this won't take long.

[sighing]

What is going on?

Percy said he wasn't
coming down to dinner

because he didn't much feel
like kissing your boss's,

then he said a swear.

That damn concussion.

You go in there, try and stall them.

Have you ever heard of knocking?

Young man I've had just
about enough of your attitude.

Get down stairs and bring
your manners with you.

This dinner is important
for the whole family.

This is my room you know,

I could sue you for trespassing.

Percy I know things have been different

since your head injury.

I know you're angry,

but there's hope.

If I get this promotion
we'll have enough money

to take you to the best
doctors in the world.

Doctors, bunch of a-holes.

You just feel guilty 'cause
you made me like this.

I never wanted to play
baseball and you made me.

I'm stupid 'cause of your fault.

I've tried to be nice,
but you won't listen,

so get your a*s downstairs at that table

and act like a proper little boy.

Or so help me God

you will be grounded from
here until kingdom come.

Ow, ow, ow!

[clock ticking]

Would anyone care for
some more roasted carrots?

Roasted carrots are stupid.

[chuckling]

Kids.

Hey Ma I'm out of soda.

Percy, show your mother some respect,

it's in the kitchen you
can get it yourself.

Can I please have some more too Percy?

Kiss my a*s!

[thudding]

[splashing]

[splashing]

[mumbling]

I got hit in the head, baseball.

My daddy says you smoke d*ck.

You, pretty big t*ts.

Is you seein' anyone?

Uh, oh I peed my pants.

You never loved me!

I smell fire.

[laughing]

Oh the folly of youth.

A cigarette you threw under the bed

ended up starting a fire and
burning down the whole house.

Then while we were all outside waiting

for the fire department to
arrive you copped a feel

of the bosses wife and
kicked him in the groin

when he tried to stop you.

Dad ended up loosing his job.

Mom left him, and that's
when he started to drink.

So because of me our
whole family fell apart,

we slipped into poverty,

and the old man started hittin' the booze?

Yeah.

That'll learn him to
f*ck with the Percinator.

Hey it's the boy let's get his blood.

Narrator: Kevin told his father

to just calm the f*ck down for a minute

and use his head.

Hello Kevin.

I'm Lester.

Narrator: Kevin told
Lester to calm the f*ck down

for a minute and while he was at it

to give him a smoke and
maybe fetch him a beer.

You're kidding right?

At your age?
[chuckling]

There's no way I can stand by

and let you smoke and drink
and throw your life away.

If it turns out you are my son,

then the first thing we're
doing is marching you right down

to rehab and enrolling you in counseling.

Narrator: Kevin didn't
much like the sounds of that.

Tough sh*t broken head.

If you is his sayonara.

I'm off the hook.

Narrator: Kevin realized
that Percy was right.

If he was Lester's kid then
the courts can make him live

with Lester, not to mention his mom

who would be chomping at the bit

to dump the fat old
man and hitch her wagon

to Lester's gravy train of employment.

Then Kevin had an idea

and decided to have a
private word with his father.

Uh look, uh Lester.

Kevin's my kid I love him.

You have to go now and
never return from here.

From here on in you're dead to me.

I don't understand.

Just f*ck' go!

Fine.

I may not agree with your family,

but you are our family
and I'll respect that.

Take care of yourself Kevin.

I hope you get the help you
need and have a good life.

Narrator: Kevin wasn't
much for displays of emotion,

but since Lester seemed sincere,

and since he might be his father,

Kevin accepted the hug.

Mostly because it gave him a chance

to life the dumb twats wallet.

[door banging]

Where's Lester?

I don't know any Lester.

Never heard of 'em, you must be insane.

Narrator: Very good said
Kevin, very good indeed.

Then Kevin said he was going to the toad

and tie one on and that
depending on how drunk he was

when he got home Percy might better learn

to sleep with his eyes open.

What the hell was all that about?

Kevin got wind that I might ditch him

if he was Lester's kid.

He threatened to k*ll me if I did.

So, he's always doin' that.

Yeah but this time he told me how.

Well sh*t.

So's I guess we's just stuck right back

where we started being a stupid family,

living under the same leaky f*ck' roof.

We's alright 'till the boy snaps.

Yeah, unitl the boy snaps.

[rock music]
♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

Sociopath.

[laughing]

Percy: Oh the folly of youth.