07x13 - Booze Club

[bunniefuu]

[water bubbling]

[bell dings]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Head don't work, it never did ♪

♪ Something's wrong with that kid ♪

♪ He's a chain smoking,
alcoholic sociopath ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ You better not cross his path ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ He's a chain smoking,
alcoholic sociopath ♪

♪ Sociopath ♪

Oh, not this crap again!

Goodness gracious, me.

This is taking so long I'm
starting to talk like an idiot.

Narrator: Kevin told his
father that that was all right

because finally his vocabulary was in line

with his appearance and
mental capabilities.

Har dee f*cking har har.

My foot will be in line with your a*s

if you don't lay off with the smart talk.

You push the button yet?

Narrator: Kevin told his father

that he thought he had pushed the button.

Why the hell would I ask
you if you pushed the button

if I already knew I pushed the button?

[electricity buzzes]
[car screeches]

f*ck, quick respond.

Must have some new science way of knowing

it was me waiting here to not f*ck around.

[electricity buzzes]
[tires squealing]

[Dad screams]

How the f*ck are you
supposed to cross that quick?

Damn you, science!

How dare you mock me?

[electricity buzzes]

Narrator: Kevin told his father

that science wasn't mocking him.

It was just some faulty wiring.

Well that's a fine how do you do.

f*cking dangerous, eh?

You's could think it was
all right to walk then walk.

And then while you's was walking

get hit by a car while walking.

Walking.

[bell chimes]

Excellent.

Let's get a camera first, though,

so the doctors can't argue with us

like we was insane monkeys
that landed on this planet

but did not understand
the ways of their people.

[upbeat music]

[sirens wailing]
[beer glugging]

Trick is to get loose with
a few beers beforehand

so if you go limping
it don't hurt as much.

You ready, boy?

Okay, push the button when I tells ya.

We've got an expensive
one coming, broken head.

Get ready.

Now!

[screams]

[horn blares]

It's a green light, ya fat moron.

Get off the road.

Go to hell!

Jesus Christ, boy, didn't
you hear me screams, "Now"?

[electricity buzzes]

[tires screeching]

Sit down.

I'll explain to ya one more f*cking time.

[upbeat music]

Another day, another dollar.

This isn't a job, Annie.

Well thanks to welfare it is for me.

Line 'em up and stand back.

Annie's getting a load on.

[upbeat country music]

[beer glugging]

Double me up, one don't last long enough.

[upbeat country music]
[beer glugging]

I'll pay for those.

Hey, thanks, but I ain't doing ya

unless you buy more.

Thanks for thinking of me,

but I don't wanna do you.

Well, ya's want something.

I can tell by that look in your eyes.

So spit it out or piss off
after you's buy me a beer.

Oh, leave her alone, Tammy.

Just a couple of girls talking, Marty.

I ain't gonna let you
get your claws into her.

With all due respect, you's
two is f*cking boring me.

So is you buying or not?

Yeah.

Then I'm all ears.

Don't do it, Annie.

Ah, shut up.

Geez.

Why do I have sex with you?

Speaking of which, we still
on for a nooner tomorrow?

Yeah, sure, if you
knock down my tab some.

So you like to drink?

I've been known to
have a few now and again.

Can ya hold it well?

Not some flash drinker
who chugs three pitchers

then passes out for the night?

Three pitchers ain't even
worth getting out of bed for.

Well then, how would you
like to make some money?

[upbeat music]

That took you some
time to figure out, boy.

You's must be slippin'
in the smart department.

Narrator: Kevin said that
he had understood the plan

perfectly well all along.

It was just that he was torn

between wanting some quick lawsuit money

and screwing over the old man,

just to see him get
hit by a moving vehicle

for no particular reason.

Now!

[electricity buzzes]

[brakes screeching]

You ran a f*cking red light and hit me.

I'm gonna sue you!

[trucker sobbing]

Ah, geez, I need this job.

Can't you look the other way?

Narrator: Kevin said his
daddy could've been k*lled,

and he was suffering

from the severe type of emotional damage

that could only be cured with money.

And a case of beer.

All I have is $40.

Sweet.

[tires squealing]

Sucker.

Not too f*cking shabby, eh, boy?

Beats working.

Come on, it's your turn.

[upbeat music]

Narrator: Kevin said, "Now!"

[button clicking]
[electricity buzzing]

[tires screeching]

Where in God's name did
you learn to drink like that?

Hey, I've been
practicing since I was nine.

What if I told you there's a way

of making a living by drinking?

A good living, for both of us.

I'd say sign me the f*ck up

and what the hell are you talking about?

There's a club.

It's a bit like an ill*gal
bare-knuckle fighting circuit,

only instead of fighting
the competitors drink.

I'm not gonna lie to you, it's dangerous.

Who buys?

I cover the cost of the booze.

Let's go.

And I swear on all that I hold dear,

I will show you what
drinking really means.

[upbeat music]

Whose turn is it?

Narrator: Kevin told his father

that he thought it was a good idea

to call it a day since
they already had more stuff

than they could carry.

Not to mention the fact
that he was really dizzy

and his insides felt
all loose and hurting.

Yeah, maybe you're right.

We's can come back tomorrow
once all our broken bones

and internal injuries have healed.

Grab one of them cell
phones and call us a cab.

[sirens wailing]

[crowd chattering]

Welcome, everyone.

I trust you're all
familiar with the rules.

Betting closes in two minutes.

Let's meet the competitors.

In the red chair,
weighing in at 215 pounds,

she's a divorced homemaker

with a record of 12-2, Margaret B.

[audience applauds]

On the blue chair,
coming in at 136 pounds,

You's got something to say?

No, she's a married mother of one.

Two, but I gave one away.

Two.

This is her first bout, Anastasia S.

[crowd boos]

You know the rules, ladies.

You each get four jugs of draft

and an hour to drink 'em.

If you're both good to go,

you get four more for the next hour.

Last one standing, or alive, wins.

On the bell.

[bell chimes]

[fast, frenzied music]

Call me in 56 minutes.

I'll be outside smoking.

Can I get started on my
next hour's beers early?

I don't know, no
one's ever asked before.

Well, that was a fun display

of stupid self-abuse
and short-term thinking.

But on the flip side, you's
did get some nice stuff

so as far as the bird's
concerned, it's a wash.

What a f*cking day.

Just when I thought I
couldn't get no smarter,

along come I do.

I bet Albert Einstein never
done what we did for money,

sitting at a lab all f*cking day.

"Look at me, I'm a scientist.

"I'm so cool."

[laughs]

Ah, geez, my head injury's
making my nose bleed.

Narrator: Kevin told the old man

that even though it had
been a lucrative day,

he wasn't sure they could
live through another day

doing it again.

Probably not.

But if you's gotta go, what better way

than getting smoked by a transport truck,

trying to score some free sh*t?

Narrator: Kevin told the old man

that they should stop
thinking of penny ante sh*t

and make a play for some real money.

What do you mean?

Narrator: Kevin said they
should pull off one last scam,

but they should make sure
whoever they suckered

into running them over
had a boatload of cash

so they could sue them.

But that could take days, weeks even.

I want stuff now.

Just tell the fat, stupid A hole

that the money you's got
from pawning all the sh*t

will tide him over 'til the big payday.

Let's just sleep on it
and deal with it tomorrow.

Narrator: Kevin said
it was awfully early

to be going to sleep.

Okay, then let's just slip

into head trauma unconsciousness
and deal with it tomorrow.

Narrator: Kevin thought what a p*ssy.

[crowd jeering]

[crowd booing]
[crowd claps]

I was out having a smoke.

What'd I miss?

You won.

A 20-1 underdog.

We just cleared $5,000.

Can I finish her beers too?

Sure you can.

You can do whatever you like, Annie,

because we're gonna be rich.

So when's the next contest?

We'll give your body a
couple of days to recover.

I'll line something up.

I said quit f*cking looking at me,

you four eyed f*ck f*ck!

I see you haven't lost
your way with words, Marty.

Albert.

Thanks for coming.

What are old friends for?

Uh, excuse me a moment.

f*ck off!

Where is she?

She'll be along.

She doesn't walk as fast as I do.

So what's the deal?

Tammy's back in town.

She got her hooks into one of my regulars.

You know Tammy.

She'll have her competing every day.

She'll be dead inside three months.

You surprise me, Marty.

It's not like you to get
emotionally attached to a customer.

Look, if she's gonna die from drinking

it's gonna be in my bar, giving me money.

Tammy's smart.

She knows I manage the champion.

She ain't gonna let her
girl drink against mine.

You know the dance.

Build up the record against
a bunch of nobodies,

gets a public appeal

then go for the big
money championship bout.

You ain't seen Annie pound 'em.

Well, you've seen some of the best.

Managed some, too.

f*ck you.

Is that what this is
all about, your guilt?

I can't drink anymore.

The f*ck you can't!

This is for all the marbles!

Suck it up, damn you, and start drinking!

I didn't bring you this far
so you could quit on me!

I don't feel good, Marty.

Drink, damn it!

Drink!

Drink!

Drink!

Drink!

Drink!

Ah, who knows?

Maybe I am trying to fix the past.

I gotta get her off the circuit,

but I know Tammy.

She ain't gonna stop
pushing her until she loses.

I need you to beat Anastasia Spencer.

I'll talk to Tammy.

Marty: Your girl any good?

You be the judge.

Sweet, blessed Jesus!

Didn't you fight Godzilla in a movie?

[Pearl grunts]

Easy, Pearl.

Marty here is gonna give you
all you want, on the house.

What?

f*ck that!

I got a business to run!

Or I could just forget
about talking to Tammy.

Fine.

[Pearl grunts]

Start her off with a
baker's dozen of large draft.

See where it goes.

[dramatic music]

[upbeat music]

[Dad snoring]

Geez, they look dead.

Oh my god, look at all that f*cking money!

[upbeat music]

Leave my f*cking money alone.

Geez whiz, Percy, I
wasn't gonna take it.

I's just tidying up.

The only thing you's ever
picked up is your fat a*s

and the nearest drink.

Don't matter no how.

I got way more money than that anyway.

I got me a job drinking.

I'll show you.

[screams]

Damn you!

Damn you straight to hell!

I'll save you a f*cking seat, fat man.

Hey!

Hey, boy!

It's your mama, wake up.

Narrator: Kevin said, "Huh?

"Who's a, what's it, why
hitting, why, huh, Mom?"

Look, boy, I gotta go.

I got some stuff to do, follow my dreams,

be true to my heart, sh*t like that.

Narrator: Even though
Kevin was awake now,

he still didn't really
understand what was going on.

I got me a job with the future.

I'll be on the road

so I'm not living with you
and your daddy no more.

I honestly hurt almost everywhere.

So, well, I guess this is it.

As kids go, you ain't half bad.

Now, give Mama a hug.

Narrator: Kevin was stunned.

And not just because of the head trauma

he'd inflicted on himself

by purposely jumping in
front of moving vehicles.

He wondered if this was
actually the end of his family.

Oh, hey, Kevin?

I forgot what I was gonna say.

[Dad groaning]

Don't matter none, son.

We's don't need her anyhow.

You and me can turn this place

into a swinging bachelor pad.

Lots of posters of hot chicks,

beer cases for furniture,
fridge always full of cold ones.

Narrator: Kevin said so pretty much

like things already were.

Yeah, except without fatty hogging

all the booze and smokes.

Narrator: Speaking
of which, thought Kevin,

since he was up he might
just as well have a few.

And since he was feeling
kind of sentimental,

he asked if the old man wanted one.

You know, maybe later.

I think I'm just gonna rest some.

[Dad snoring]

[somber music]

Kind of day that makes
ya glad to be alive.

You wanted to meet.

Let's get to it.

I hear you got a new girl
that can really pack it away.

She's rough around the
edges, needs to learn the ropes.

Ah, ah, ah, don't
bullshit a bullshitter.

Fine.

She's the best natural
talent I've ever seen.

High praise for someone
who used to manage Pearl.

You interested in finding
out just how good she is?

Not yet.

Think of the odds
you'll get if she wins.

You'll be rich.

I'm already rich.

I'll think about it.

[Dad snoring]

[frenzied music]

[crowd cheering]

[woman retching]
[Annie laughing]

[frenzied music]

[crowd cheering]

[Annie laughing]

[Dad snoring]

[frenzied music]

[sirens wailing]
[Annie snoring]

She has to stop.

We'll ease up, give a few days' rest.

If she doesn't quit drinking
at this pace she will die.

[Annie snoring]

Thanks for the night call, doc.

[dramatic music]

Hey, Albert, it's me.

Set it up as soon as possible.

[Dad snoring]

[wings flapping]

[beer pouring]

It ain't too late to pull out.

Ladies and gentlemen,
you are in for a treat,

a bout we've all been waiting for.

In this corner, reigning champion

and needing no introduction, Pearl!

[crowd cheers]

And tonight's challenger,
a real up and comer

in the world of competitive drinking,

with an undefeated record
of 22-0, Anastasia!

Marty will never forgive you.

All right, ladies.

You both know the rules.

Last one drinking wins.

On the bell!

[bell dings]

Let's have at it!

[frenzied music]
[crowd cheering]

Tammy, Tammy!

Throw in the towel.

You wanna stop, you throw in the towel.

You had enough?

[Pearl grunts]

Me neither.

In fact, I's just getting started.

[somber music]
[cats yowling]

[Dad snoring]

[upbeat music]

[glass shatters]

[bones chattering]

I hope you're happy.

[crickets chirping]

[Dad snoring]

[phone beeping]

We need a couple of
ambulances, right away!

Narrator: Kevin said,
"Hey Marty, how's it going?"

Ambulances will be here soon.

Narrator: Kevin said thanks

and wondered why he
hadn't thought of that.

I hope they make it.

f*ck still owe on their tab!

[funky music]

[upbeat music]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Head don't work, it never did ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Sociopath ♪

Annie: Nah, I ain't got the education

to get into politics.

[water bubbling]

[bell dings]