08x03 - Hell or High Water

[bunniefuu]

♪ Puking on the run ♪

♪ He swears at everyone ♪

♪ He's just a lousy, no good boozer, ♪

♪ Another wealthy loser ♪

♪ Alas his wife is just a big, fat wh*re ♪

♪ And his son is rotten to the core ♪

♪ Oh, why do they all stay together ♪

♪ On Kevin Spencer ♪

[car tires screeching]

[snoring]

Grab your mom's legs boy and
help me get here in the car,

we've got to get the f*ck
out of here now, for,

a family vacation, now.

Narrator: Kevin wasn't
sure what was going on,

but since there was nothing good on TV,

he figured what the hell.

[dramatic music]

[car tires screeching]

sh*t, get in, f*ck, we gotta go.

Narrator: Since Kevin
was the kind of kid

who was always looking for an angle,

he couldn't help but notice
that this seemed like

the perfect opportunity
to f*ck with the old man

and screw him out of some cash.

So he told Percy that just
because he was in a hurry

didn't mean everyone else was,

and if it was so damn blasted
important to get a move on,

then he might just see his way

to stepping things up
a little for 20 bucks.

Your call broken-head I'm gone,

enjoy the beating.

Narrator: Then again thought Kevin,

it was a nice night for a ride.

[tense rock music]

[car tires screeching]

[g*nshots firing]

What do you think boss?

He ain't, can't have gone far.

Could be headed anywhere,
we should cut our losses.

Or we'll do what I say we'll do

and you'll go along happy like.

Sure, I didn't mean nothing.

Whatever you say boss, I'm with you.

We both are,

but let's get the hell
out of here and regroup.

Law will be here soon.

Well fine then, come
hell or high water.

Give me a smoke boy.

Oh my god!

Body snatchers have wrapped my head

in a cocoon of rotted flesh.

I knew this day would come.

Narrator: Kevin told the old man

to shut his fat, rotten tooth hole,

and calm down and take the
pantyhose off his head.

Oh right, [laughing]

been on so long I kind of got used to it.

Holy f*ck, what clarity of vision.

I ain't nearly as drunk as I should be.

What in the name of hell is going on?

We's running from some men

that are gonna k*ll all
of us if they catch us.

They know where we live

so we had to leave everything behind.

We can never go back.

All right, wake me up
when we get to a gas station.

I'm almost out of smokes.

[snoring]

[seductive jazz music]

That's the future boys,

young, good looking and jacked
full of steroids and Viagra.

That guys got a rod on 24/7.

Hell I work with guys like that,

I save enough on fluffers
to sh**t six more films.

But where's the art?

That's right, our films
ain't just about the f*cking.

We sh**t quality pictures
with solid scripts.

Scripts!

Hell, half my talent can't even read.

That's because you and
your equally shoddy ilk

have besmirched and cheapened

what was once an honorable industry.

Can't stop progress
and I wouldn't wanna.

Now is there a reason for you being here

other than wasting my time?

We have one picture
left in our contract,

and we expect to make that picture.

Look, if you're gonna
make a big stink out of this

go make your own blasted picture.

We's want complete creative control

and a decent budget.

Or, how about you borrow
my home video camera,

agree to work for scale,

have it on my desk in a week,

and get the f*ck out of my office.

Those terms are acceptable.

Where the f*ck is we anyway?

Merts corners.

This like a f*cking,
what do ya call it,

a village or some sh*t?

Nah, village is down the road some,

left on the first dirt road,

don't nobody live there no more though,

got so things just dried
up and everyone moved.

Just an old ghost town now.

Shut the f*ck up,

god you's boring.

Look mister, I just want
to say I'm sorry for how

me and my family treated you's just now.

We've been on the road for
a while and are some tired.

Well, I guess we all been there.

Oh, hey now that I think of it.

Could you give the oil a quick check?

Sure thing.

[hood latch opening]

You's want the honor boy or should I?

[car horn beeping]

[hood slamming]

[lively banjo music]

You see that?

[laughing]

Ha ha, that was funny.

Yeah, like you'd f*cking know.

You'd be surprised with what I know,

I know I am.

Where the f*ck we going anyways?

There's a deserted town
around here someplace.

Sounds like the perfect
place to lay low for a while,

til the heat blows over.

What the f*ck did you do anyway?

I don't know, hit a
guy, stole some stuff,

might have k*lled his fish,

and I got caught having sex in the tub.

You's was banging another woman?

No, I was alone thank you very much.

So's you broke into some guys place,

k*lled his fish and got
caught masturbating.

Oh, well sure it sounds
stupid when you say it like that,

but, well you had to be there.

[bouncy music]

[lively electronic rock music]

So, anyway Marty,

I was kinda wondering--

You greasy c*cksucker,

let me guess, you're a
little f*cking short.

Don't even f*cking think
about asking for a tab,

cash only,

all right this is [splutters in rage]

[thud of punch to the head]

Ooh actually,

I was just wondering if
you knew what time it was?

What am I a f*cking clock?

Is that what you think?

I think Marty's a clock,
are you the f*cking clock?

This is what I think of clocks!

[thud of punch to the head]

Hey beans,

I'll tolerate a man doing
a lot of things in my house

but I draw the line at that.

I'd love to get my
hands on the b*stard.

I can't believe he
stole your best car too,

talk about rubbing salt in the wounds.

Car's insured though right?

Yeah, but all that
bullshit filing claims and--

Hang on, [beep]

god bless technology.

Son of a b*tch!

Guy only left me 10%.

Watch the bar Charlie.

[bouncy tuba music]

[lively electronic music]

All right baby, I'll see you then.

She's in man, I'll tell you what.

Our cast is f*cking k*ller.

Now all I have to do
is finish, the script.

You still working on that ting?

It's been three hours,

how long's it take to
write a damned script?

I know it's taking longer than usual,

but I want to make sure it's perfect.

Them words don't gotta be perfect,

as long as it's got you and me

doing our tang with the ladies.

I hear that.

What type of film is it anyways?

It's a Western.

I ain't f*cking no horse.

[awkward music]

[computer beeps]

[tense music]

This is your big hide out plan.

It's perfect, who the f*ck
is ever gonna find us here.

Narrator: Kevin said,

probably just the vultures

after they all f*cking
died from starvation,

since neither of his fat f*ck parents

had thought to bring food,

and it sure as hell didn't look like

anything was open for business.

I'll tell you what
was open for business,

your mothers legs in high-school.

[thud of punch to the head]

Narrator: Kevin said,
"right in the throat, sweet."

I'm gonna find a place to crash,

you do whatever you feel like boy,

as long as it ain't near me.

I call dibs for living in the tavern,

it's always been my dream.

I get first drink of
any old booze we find.

Narrator: Kevin said, "I
call second, I call second."

Yeah, oh excellent work, where?

Morgan's Gulch, where the fu--

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, go on, uh huh.

I got it, hey I owe ya on that one.

[phone beeps]

No, hey let's see, first
thing tomorrow morning,

we'll find us a car,

take a little drive to Morgan's Gulch.

Then we k*ll that fat
f*ck Percy Spencer!

Henchman: What about his wife?

Who is also fat, and
that funny looking kid?

Boss: No witnesses, k*ll them all!

Hey fellas, nice night eh?

[laughs nervously]

I'm just minding my own business.

Yeah well f*ck off and
go mind it someplace else.

Okey dokey.

Top ya up Cowboy?

Uh geez yeah, maybe a quick one,

but then I gotta go.

You want me to just
add my tip to your tab or

is you in a gambling mood?

Whatever, yeah, yeah, yeah,

the money's good on the tab there.

Listen, you ever hear of a
place called Morgan's Gulch?

[tense music]

Hop in ladies,

you can learn your lines
on the way to the set.

Where the f*ck did you
get the money to rent a set?

It was free.

Free?

That's m*therf*cking crazy talk, baby.

Trust me, I know what I'm doing.

We're going to make the
Citizen Kane of hardcore,

Western, three-way, f*ck movies.

Sweet baby, sweet!

Oh, and by the way, and PS,

I ain't doing that without a rubber,

cause I got an infection.

Err, less sweet baby, less sweet.

[light bouncy music]

Good call on fleeing
without smokes and booze.

Look, this is better than being dead

Narrator: The hell it is,
said Kevin, the hell it is.

Hey boy, over here, hey Kevin.

Yoo hoo, Kevin, Kevin, Kevin.

Boy howdy, it's getting
closer and closer every time.

Don't help nuttin' he's got them DTs.

Who don't?

It don't make him no better than me.

Alls I'm saying is that

sooner or later the boy's gonna k*ll us.

Hey, you wanna hear a joke?

A manatee walks into a bar

wearing stretch pants and a tube top.

Bartender says, "hey,
where'd you get the outfit?"

And the manatee says, "I got
it from Percy B Spencer's wife,

"cause the fatty, fat, fat,
fatter grew out of it." [laughs]

That's hilarious on so many levels,

and I don't even know what a manatee is.

You're a f*cking idiot.

Deep, here is dire straits boy,

we's got no booze, no
cough syrup, nothing.

Not to mention you's down
to your last pack of smokes.

I say we cut our losses and
get the hell out of here.

It is, however a long walk,

so maybe you should go
ahead and stab your daddy

and steal his smokes.

[door opening thud]

[Percy And Anastasia]
Hey Charlie, you got smokes?

No time to talk, we's
gotta get out of here.

f*ck that, there's
men looking to k*ll us.

I ain't going no place, cause
they'll never find us here.

They're on their way,

I overheard them talking about
it in the Toe last night.

They're gonna be here any minute.

Hey, who was dancing last night?

Miss Nude Yukon.

Ooh, exotic.

She got nice ones?

Real ones too.

Wish I'd seen that.

How the f*ck did
they know where we went?

That car you stole's
got one of them anti-theft,

global positioning thingies.

Once again I have
been foiled by science.

Well, now what the hell is we gonna do?

I say we get in Charlie's
truck and f*ck off,

they're gonna come here and find the car

but we'll be long gone.
[car tires screeching]

[tense music]

Screw all of you,

I ain't gonna die because
of what a Spencer done.

[tense western music]

Narrator: Kevin told everyone to relax,

that it was only an adult film
crew and some porn actresses,

and they still had time
to make their getaway.

Porn actresses!

Hi I'm Percy Spencer, are you
guys gonna start f*cking soon?

This is the best day of my
life, can I be in your movie?

Huh, can I, huh?

There's no way I'm
doing him, for scale.

This town is supposed to be deserted.

Yeah, funny story about that.

A story that involves
me playing with myself.

What an odd turn of events,

but on the bright side,

porn folk always got booze and drugs

to help dull the spiritual
and emotional pain

of trying to rationalize
what they do for a living,

benchmarked against what
would likely have been

normal childhood aspirations
of happiness and success.

[both laughing]

Come on, let's search
the m*therf*cking van.

That's a pretty sweet hat you got.

I'm not wearing a hat.

He wasn't talking to you.

Thanks.

You ever think about
starring in an adult film?

I ain't never acted one before.

Do you have a p*nis?

Yeah.

That and the hat's good enough for us.

What about me?

I got a p*nis, a real good one too.

[laughing]

Told ya boy, paid debt.

[g*nsh*t firing]

[g*nshots firing]

[people screaming]

Holy f*ck, that would
have hurt if I was real.

Hurry up and haul on the f*cking thing,

let's get out of here.

[air escaping from tires]

Narrator: Kevin said, "aw nuts",

and then wondered why if the guy sh**ting

was a good enough shot to
take out all the tires,

then how come he missed all the people,

especially his mum and dad,

who are both fat.

[lively banjo music]

Useless, both of yas.

Now they know we're on to them.

Who were all of them other people?

This town was supposed to be
deserted, just them Spencers.

No witnesses, k*ll them all,

and then we'll torch the town
and get rid of the evidence.

Damn you Percy I always
knew one day you'd go too far.

Oh, so this is my fault.

My colleagues and I have
nothing to do with this,

come on guys, let's roll.

I ain't going out there as long as

them's what's got them
g*ns is still shootin'.

We need a plan.

Narrator: Kevin said, "hey
look everybody, I found g*ns."

Thank God for convenient happenstances.

Give me one of them,

I'll show those f*ck
not to mess around with me,

or my name ain't Percival B Spencer.

Roll the camera on all of this,

if we get out of this alive

it'll be great footage for our film.

We still putting that
f*cking in later though, right?

Oh, yeah.

[dramatic western music]

Sorry about that g*nf*re earlier,

hey it was an accident, hey. [laughs]

We just wanna talk to the Spencer family.

They left, a few minutes ago,

out the back door, in a helicopter.

I'm just an innocent stranger,

who happens to sound exactly like

this Percy guy you's talking about.

You think they bought it?

[g*nshots firing]

Narrator: Kevin said "no,
no I don't think they did."

I ain't got time for this, f*ck it!

Fill the place with lead.

[g*nshots firing]

You wanna know something funny?

This was going to be my last film.

I finally saved enough money

to buy that farm I
always talked about, I--

[struggles for breath]

[exhales from dying]

You really did have a heart of gold.

I'm sorry I thought the
safety was on, [laughs]

honest mistake hey,

hey won't happen again,

now come on out.

We's just want's to talk.

Talk to this you son
of a b*tch. [screams]

[g*nshots firing]

[dramatic music]
[g*nshots firing]

[door creaks]

[dramatic music]

[door creaks]

[sneaky music]

Not so fast you thieving b*stard.

Turn around.

I'm gonna enjoy this.

Hey, I'll bang ya if you
just k*ll him and let me go.

Like I'd do a hog like you.

Hey, is you gonna let him
talk to your wife like that?

[tense music]

[window smashes]

[bang of piano falling on man]

Hey I thought that f*ck
said he was out of smokes.

Pornstar: No, my
p*nis, my beautiful p*nis.

[crying in anguish]

[g*nsh*t fired]

Hey boy,

stick your head out front
and see if they still around.

[rock music]

Fine, we'll all go,

but don't think for a
minute I is gonna forget

you's letting this family down.

[whoosh]

[door creaks]

[tense piano music]

[emotional orchestral music]

Hey, I wonder where Charlie's at.

I dropped something over there.

Geez, we better get out of here.

Knowing our luck,

if the cops come they'll
try and blame this on us.

I got my keys right
here, I can drive us.

[footsteps]

I see's you in hell Spencers!

[slow motion tense music]

[slow motion shouting]

No.

[g*nshots firing]

[cymbal crashes]

[thud]

[tense orchestral music]

[fire crackling]

[car horn beeping]

We should go.

I still can't believe you took his hat.

Well he ain't gonna need it.

Quit f*cking around boy.

as*h*le kid.
[laughing]

Hey, Kevin.

as*h*le.

I'll f*cking k*ll you.

Damn as*h*le kid.

Let me in, you're
getting dust on my head.

[laughing]

[loud rock music]

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ His head don't work it never did ♪

♪ Kevin Spencer ♪

♪ Sociopath ♪

Porn producer: People don't
watch porn for the story,

waste of time.