02x01 - The Patrick Show Cashes In/The Star Games

[bunniefuu]

- Hi! I'm Patrick Star!

And I live with my parents!

Ow!

This is my dad.

[zany music]

This is my mom.
[laughs]

This is my sister. She's shy.

This is my grandpa.

This is my room!

And this...

♪ ♪

This is my show!

♪ ♪

[upbeat music]

- Perch Perkins here live
at the premiere

of "The Patrick Show"
season two.

Let's take a look.

- Are you ready

for season two?

[people chanting]
Season two! Season two!

♪ ♪

- ♪ Oh ♪

- And that's the entire
season two budget.

Sorry, everybody.

[grunts]

[all scream]

[zany music]

[together]
What?

♪ ♪

[indistinct
disappointed chatter]

- Are we really
out of money, Squidina?

- That's right, Patrick.
TV shows are expensive.

We're gonna need some
pretty creative episode ideas

to fill out the season.

- Oh, how about
an all Cecil episode?

- Or a Halloween special
about the horrors of dust.

- I...
- Wait!

Does anyone else smell that?
[sniffing]

Aha!

Copyright infringement.

- When does the show start,
mister?

- Pirated Patrick paraphernalia.

[gasps]
Bootleg balloons.

Hmm.

Check out my sweet merch haul.
[chuckles]

- [gasps]

GrandPat, you just figured out
how to fund season two!

- Stealing from children?
- No.

We'll sell official
"Patrick Show" merchandise.

- What's the difference?
- Roll commercial.

- Hey, kids, are you bored?

[both groan]
Uh-huh.

- Well, check this out.

- Whoa!
- What?

[together]
Wow!

- Pat the Hapless and Beelzebass

as you've never
seen them before.

Our hero comes with
his very own battle axe.

[triumphant music]

- [laughs] Yeah!

- But the evil Beelzebass
uses his pits of despair.

- [screams]

♪ ♪

- And don't forget
all action figures

come with unique smells.

Pat the Hapless
and Beelzebass toys

come with all you see here.

Batteries and trauma kit
not included.

- These doohickeys seem
a little dangerous, don't they?

[screams]
Oh.

Oh, my.
- Yeah.

But they're selling
like hotcakes.

- [chuckles]

[screams]
My eyes!

- Welcome back to the
Star Home Shopping Network.

We've got some
gorgeous paintings

on sale today all done
by Patrick himself.

These are
"Rainy Monday on a Tuesday"

and "Self Portrait."

And this one is titled,
"The Number Three."

Our operators are standing by
to take your orders.

Patrick, we need more art!

[soft dramatic music]

Uh, uh, uh, oh.

♪ ♪

[laughs]

- Ooh, oh.

Time is running out.
Call now.

- [snoring]

- Hey, adults dressed as kids

'cause we couldn't afford
more real children.

Are you ready to taste something

that will change your life?
- Radical!

- I'm not sure if I'm ready.

- Then prepare yourselves for
Frosted Patrick Show Cereal.

Part of this complete breakfast.

[both gasp]

- [munching]

Oh, did you guys want some?

- Well, I mean, no, I...

- I got another one for you!

Oopsie Doodle, Just Prizes!

It's jam-packed with
the best part of a cereal box,

the prizes.

[both munch]

[both groaning]

- Part of this
mostly edible breakfast.

- And we're back.

Here to bring you
a new shopportunity

is Captain Quasar.

- Captain Quasar here
to sell you something

very special.
[grunts]

It's Pat-Tron.
- Wow.

What can he do?

He can prepare a gourmet meal
in seconds.

[bright music]

He can power wash your car.
- [chirping and beeping]

♪ ♪

- And he can even take care
of your baby.

- I ain't no baby,
but I could use a change.

- [humming and crackling]

- This allegedly useful

and only slightly
very dangerous device

isn't going for $20 or even $10.

Actually, I'll pay you
to take this guy off my hands.

Oh, please.

- Shmandor,
miniature city of glass

can now be yours
for a limited time.

All: Whoa.

- Have minutes of fun

observing and feeding
the little fellas.

[all screaming]

- [laughing deeply]

[laughing]

- We've got a brand-new product,

official "Patrick Show" T-shirts

featuring instant delivery.

- All thanks to our new
military grade T-shirt cannon.

[martial music]

- Oh, I would like...

oh.

- You get a shirt,
and you get a shirt,

and you!

[together]
Thanks, Patrick!

- I'd like a shirt for my wife,

my son, my daughter,
and one for me.

Why not?

Oh, Bermuda shorts.
- [gasps]

Are you okay?
- Yeah.

[coughs]

I'm just more
of a long pants guy.

Bleh.

- I hate to cut this short...
- Ow!

- But even reporters
need to make a buck.

[growls]

- Wait a sec,
you don't even wear shorts.

- This just in,
things are about to get breezy.

[laughs]

- Oh! Oh!
- [continues laughing]

- [screams]
- Ha, ha!

Incoming, 100% denim!

- [screams]

Time to tee up
a shirt-pocalypse.

[screams]

- Huh?
What?

[heavy rock music]

[whimpering]

♪ ♪

- Whoa!

- Here at the
Better Business Bureaucracy,

I, Bobby Babbington, have been
getting too many phone calls

about unsafe products from
an obscure television show.

- [screaming]

- Oh?

- Hi, I'm Patrick Star,
and you found all my toys!

- [grumbling]

- We get it,
you've got places to be,

and that means
you only have four seconds

for a haircut.

That's why you need

the Patrick Star Brand
Hair Chipper.

Gently ease your head in
like so and...

[machinery grinds]

- Whoa.
- Oh, wow.

- Wow.
- Yeah.

[soft dramatic music]

- Time to confiscate.

♪ ♪

Battle axes,
rusty nail ouchie dolls?

Bunny Star Brand Tattoo Kits?
- Ah.

- No!
- Aww.

- Next up, "The Patrick Show"
Uranium Playset.

- [chuckles]
- Everybody, quick!

That's Bobby Babbington from
Binky Bottom's Banana Blather,

and he's coming to take
our dangerous stuff.

- Oh, that's awful.
What do we do?

- Go to commercial, quick!

- Huh?

- Hey, kids.
- Oh?

- Still bored?
- [groans]

[together]
Yeah.

- Well, check this out.
- Huh?

[together]
Wow!

- The Bobby Babbington
of the Bikini Bottom

Better Business Bureaucracy
Action Figure

bursts into battle!
- Toys are dangerous!

I'm coming to take yours away!

- Bobby Babbington
really fills out paperwork.

- We'll need this in triplicate.

- May I see that?
- Oh, sure.

- I always wanted to be a toy.

- Bobby comes in with his own
built-in document stapler.

♪ ♪

Ah!

- Oh, no.

- You're not gonna take away
our toy, are you, mister?

- That...

that was the first thing
I've felt in years.

Here's your toy back, kids.

- Yay!
- Hooray!

- And here's everyone else's
toys back!

I was wrong!
Safety doesn't matter!

[together]
Yay!

[all scream]

- Here you go!
There!

There!
For you!

Here, one for the baby!

- We did it, everyone.

Through the power
of merchandising,

we funded season two.

- And then some.

Say, how much money
did we end up making anyhow?

- Oh, I got it!

[zany music]

[together]
Whoa! Oh!

- Let's use the official

"Patrick Show" Brand
Money Counter.

[laughs]

- But we never made a "Patrick
Show" Brand Money Counter.

- What?

- I can't hear you

over the "Patrick Show"
Brand Money Counter.

That ought to do the trick.

So how rich are we?

♪ ♪

Oh.

- You know,
maybe there's a lesson here.

- Yeah, maybe TV shows
shouldn't just be about

selling stuff and making money.

- Maybe they're really
about making art.

- Right,
and making people happy and...

oh, whoa, oh, whoa.

[all screaming]

- [laughing deeply]

- Order your highly
collectible "Patrick Show"

snow globe today.
- Yeah!

- Must be 800 years
or older to call.

- [snoring]

- Huh?

- Patrick Star, come on down!

- [screams]

Uh...

what's going on?

- You guessed it!

[cheers and applause]

You're on "What's Going On?"

Show him what he's won.

It's game show host in a bottle!

Just one spray, and you'll be
hosting all day!

- Oh, wow.

- And as an added bonus,
you also get...

huh?
[sighs]

My job?

It's okay.
I didn't deserve it anyway.

[sobbing]

- Game show host in a bottle?

Hmm.

[grunts]
Uh-huh!

All right, let's go find
our first contestants!

[upbeat music]

- I just love making TV dinners.

Hmm, it could use
a bit more of some...

- Mom and Dad!

You're the contestants
on our first game!

"Expired"!

- Ooh.
- Ooh, wow.

- The rules are simple.

Guess what you just ate
and when it went bad.

Mom Star is up first.

[audience gasps]

- [munches] [gulps]

Hmm.
Oh, oh, oh!

Is it lasagna 1812?

- Oh, sorry,
I'm afraid we were looking for

grilled cheese,
the crustacean period.

Next up, Dad Star.

[foghorn blows]

- [sniffs]

Smells dead-licious.

[grunts]

Bleh!

[audience gasps]

[dolphin chirps]

- Looks like
we don't have a winner,

but you'll both go home
with a...

Gastropump 3000 stomach pump!

If it's poison you ingest,
get the best!

Gastropump 3000.

- Ah, I'm almost done
carving my portrait

on a grain of rice.

Talk about chiseled abs.
[chuckles]

- Surprise!

[audience groans]

- [growls] Dagnabbit!

Boy, why I ought to...
- Congratulations!

You're the next contestant on...

- [screams]

- "Explody Fold."
The rules are simple.

While you were sleeping,

I hid bombs
in your wrinkle folds...

- What?

- And you have to find them
before they blow up!

[whimsical music]

- Oh, I hate game shows.

Well, let's get this over with.

[grunts]

Yipee!

Hm, ah.
Oh, look.

Aha!

- 99, one trillion.
Found you, little brother!

- Start over!
I wasn't ready!

- Keep looking!

Your time is almost up.

- I've looked everywhere,

and I found
a surprising amount of stuff,

but no bombs.

- I wonder which folds
are holding it.

Hmm.

That was "Explody Fold."

Now let's meet
our next contestant.

[eerie music]

- Come on, people,
learn your lines!

Time is money!

- Squidina Star!

You get to play...

- Huh?

♪ ♪

- "Terrible Clausaly-me"!

- It's called
"Temporal Causality."

- Hey, everybody,
it's our resident brainiac,

Sandy Cheeks!

- Temporal causality
is when you go into the past

to alter an object
in the present.

Today's object,
the common coffee cup.

We take you back
to the invention

of the first coffee cup.

[electronic music]

[dinosaurs screeching]

[dramatic music]

- Now go ahead
and change the present!

Audience: Change the present!

♪ ♪

- Me make coffee cup.

♪ ♪

- Sorry, Cave Star

I want to win the game show.
[grunts]

- Hm?

[screams]

Oh.

Mmm.

- Did it work?
- Nope!

It's the same old cup.

Try again.
- Uh!

- The Renaissance.

- [grunts]

- What happened?
- I'm thinking.

- Nope.
[buzzer blares]

- Oh!

- Nope.
[buzzer blares]

Nope.
[buzzer blares]

Nuh-uh.
[buzzer blares]

Yep.
Just kidding.

Nope.
[buzzer blares]

Nope, nope.
- Darn.

I smashed up all of history,
but nothing's changed.

I mean, the coffee cup
didn't change.

- Help me.
- I'll fix this.

Is everything back to normal?

- Yeah, mostly.

- This coffee cup
isn't going anywhere.

On to our next game!
Whee-hee!

[ominous music]

♪ ♪

- Next up,
an extreme obstacle course

with Bikini Bottom's fittest...

- Uh-oh, what's this?

[engines rumbling]

Looks like your family
is pretty annoyed at you

for terrorizing them

with a bunch of
your stupid game shows.

So that means
it's time to play...

"Battle of
the Game Show Hosts."

The game where your family
lets you know

the fun and games are over.

- [screams]

[screaming]

- Let's start with round one,

and it's the lightning round!

- [screams]

- Don't you regret
making your parents

eat that rotten food?

- A little,
but it got good ratings.

- Wrong!
- [grunting]

- Next question.

- Don't you got
anything better to do

than hide bombs
in my sensitive skin?

- Uh, not usually.

- And Patrick, how could you...

oh, this thing's filthy.

[vacuum whirring]

- Oh, eeh, oh!

- All right, game's over.

So what'll it be,
door number one?

[people screaming]

- Or door number two?

- [screams]

I choose door number exit!

[tense music]

[screams]

[upbeat music]

Hey, I won a jetpack.

[laughs]

- And with that, I'm your host,
Cecil Star.

- Oh, I thought
I was gonna be the host.

I got all dolled up
just for the occasion.

- But I have
the most showbiz experience.

It should be me!
- I'm older than dirt.

I have seniority.

- Why don't we let
the audience decide?

That's right, you at home.

Yell now.

- Yeah, just scream the name
of your favorite host

real loud,
and then we'll hear it.

- We can't hear you.
Louder.

- That's the ticket.
Keep screaming!

- Louder!
- Louder!

[all screaming indistinctly]

[ominous music]

♪ ♪

[together]
Huh?

[footsteps thudding]

- Run!
- [growls]

- Huh?
- Huh?

♪ ♪

- [roars]

[all scream]

- Wait, is that the coffee cup?

I did change it!
I won my game!

♪ ♪

- And we're back.

[all screaming]
- Run!

- [screams]

♪ ♪

What's going on?

- We turned that coffee cup
into a giant monster.

- Patrick, is that you?

- Sorry about
all the dumb games, Dad.

- That's okay, son.

But now we gotta stop
this monster

as a family.

- You're right.

Star family,

super hyper host formation, go!

[energetic electronic music]

♪ ♪

- Dang blasted thing!
Oh!

♪ ♪

Oh, it stinks back here.

♪ ♪

- [roars]

♪ ♪

[roars]

♪ ♪

- [screaming]
- [roaring]

[all screaming]

- Oh, my levers
don't do anything!

[watches beeping]

- Hm?
Coffee break.

[relaxed music]

Huh?
[sniffs]

Single origin light roast.
Don't mind if I do.

♪ ♪

Ah.
- [laughs]

He's always cranky
before he gets his coffee.

- You know how it is.

Now that I'm feeling better,
let's play a game.

It's called "The End."

- The end.

- The end is correct!
We have a winner!