02x10 - Too Many Patricks/Much Tofu About Nothing

[bunniefuu]

- Hi! I'm Patrick Star!

And I live with my parents!

Ow!

This is my dad.

[zany music]

This is my mom.
[laughs]

This is my sister. She's shy.

This is my grandpa.

This is my room!

And this...

♪ ♪

This is my show!

♪ ♪

[Can-Can music]

♪ ♪

[laughter]

- There we go.

- Nice tongs.
- Merci.

- Uh, what?
- Thanks.

- Now we're talking.

- And don't they
smell delightful?

- Huh?

Patrick has caught
the scent of food!

And he's hungry!

- [screams]

- [chomps]

Oh, hey, nice tongs.

- Merci.

- What?
- Thanks.

[whistles]

- [inhales deeply]

[blows]

[clattering]

- Ooh, I love upside down cake.

- That does it.
You are officially uninvited!

- Huh?

- [gurgling]

- Oh.

[laughter]

- This is all your fault,
you pink punk!

Merci.

- What?
- Thanks.

- [screaming]

- [whistling]

- I'm sorry your party
was ruined, Timmy.

- Ruined?

Are you kidding? I loved it.

- Yeah.
It was the best party ever.

Kids: Best party ever!

[phones ringing]

- Hello, Star residence.
Squidina speaking.

Ooh, I'll make sure
he gets the message.

Hello, Star residence.

- What's all the racket in here?

- Everyone in town wants you
to entertain

at their parties now.

These messages are all for you!

- Wow.

Just think of all
the upside down cake I can eat.

Tell 'em I'll attend
every one of them myself.

- But Patrick, there's way
too many parties

for you to attend.

Plus, you have to do
"The Patrick Show" now.

- [whimpers]

I can't do everything
at the same time!

If only there were more of me.

- Wait a minute.

Maybe there is a way.

The time closet!
- Yay!

[children chanting]
Patrick! Patrick! Patrick!

- We demand Patrick now
or there will be tantrums!

- Now, now, kids, calm down.
Patrick will be here soon.

- Psst.
All right, Pat the Hapless.

Now put on this uniform
and entertain those kids.

- There he is!
[kids cheering]

- I will tell you kids of
the bloodiest

and most glorious battle
that I ever survived!

- Hey, wait a minute.

That's not Patrick!
Kids: Boo!

- What did you do with Patrick?

[all shouting]

- Hey, kids, look!

It's time for the piñata!

[roars]

- Vikrog, oh, many-colored
beast of Lava Mountain,

we meet again.

I must save these ugly children!

[shouts]

[grunts]

My berserker rage
has been ignited.

My bloodlust is unquenched!

Quench! Quench! Quench!

[yells]

all: Yay!

Patrick is the best!

- Are you having a party?
- Mm-hm.

- Then you need a Patrick!
- Oh! Whoa!

- Patricks are perfect
for every party.

Call and order your Patrick now.

And remember, you can't
spell "party"

without P-A-T, N and R, and Y.

May not be actual Patrick.

- Patrick better get here soon.

We're not getting any younger.

All: Patrick! Patrick!

- Good evening,
ladies and germs.

Another birthday, huh?

You're like a time traveler.

But you're taking
the scenic route.

[laugh track]

Seriously, though.

You're all old!

You're all so old,

the Big Bang
brings back memories.

[laugh track]

You're all so old,

you think carbon dating sounds
like a romantic evening.

[drum snare]

- You stink!

You wasted what little life
I have left!

- Get out of here.

- Tough room detected.

- Don't let the door hit you
on the way out.

- Hey, kids, look!

It's time for the piñata!

- Allow me!

[clattering]

- Yippee!
- Wahoo!

[cheering]

[indistinct chattering]

[sophisticated music playing]

- I am ever most certainly
anticipating

the arrival of our eminent and
sophisticated entertainment.

- Cast thy gaze,
for here he comes now.

- [nervous chuckle]
- Ooh!

Ahh. [chuckles]

Ah! Ooh.

[chuckles]

[applause]
- Excellent!

- I am very much on board
with this fellow.

[knocking]

- Do I know you?

- Magnificent news, comrade.

Each and every party was
attended

and all bad moods vanquished.

The campaign was a success.

I am done.

- Oh, no.
That was just for Tuesday.

You still have all these
to go to.

Don't be late.
[door slams]

- [growls]

[hooting]

- Swing your partner
round and round,

faster than the speed of sound.

- C'mon, partner!
[laugh track]

- [sobbing]

- If only we could have seen
each other one last time.

What the...
[crowd gasps]

- Happy funeral party!

[pops]

- It's a zombie!

- Let's get him!

[crowd shouting]

- Hey, zombie, need a light?

[screams]

- Now back
to "The Patrick Show."

- Hey, this one's really comfy.

I'll test all these other
mattresses after this.

But right now, I'm just gonna
keep laying here.

You know what's better
than testing mattresses?

It's testing mattresses and
different flavors of pie.

Much better than getting
punched in the head by a kid.

Stay tuned for more
"The Patrick Show."

All this mattress testing
and pie eating is hard work.

I think it's time for
the on-camera nap segment

of "The Patrick Show."

Huh?
- Huh?

- I don't want to do parties!

The hosting crown
is rightfully mine!

- No, I want to host
"The Patrick Show!"

- No, I want to
host "The Patrick Show."

- No, I want to host
"The Patrick Show!"

- No, me want host!

- Host.
[alien gibberish]

- No!
I refuse to give up my show.

Beauty is in the pie of
the beholder.

The pie-holder.

[shouting and grunting]

- Hmm...
Hold that pose!

[grunting]

And action!

[shouting and grunting
continues]

- Ooh, upside down pie.

- Whoa!
[bell dings]

- I don't even
need to chew this.

- Whoa!
[bell dings]

- [chomping]

- Oh...
[grunts]

- [shouts] [bell dings]

- Oh, I broke my pie.
[whimpers]

- [screams] [crashes]

[bell dings]

[cheers and applause]

- Well, Patrick,
I guess it's safe to say

your partygoing days
are behind you.

- That's where you're wrong,
Squidina.

I have an even better way
to attend all the parties.

Hold my lunch, please.

Mini-Patricks: Party!

[discordant strumming]
- Huh?

Oh, good day!

I am Patthos.

Wouldst thou care to join me
for a song and a tale?

[rock music playing]

[crunch]

OK, OK!
[grunts]

We'll skip the song.

Let me tell thee a tale.

'Tis a juicy tale,

a tale of a fabled and
delicious land called Hamdonia!

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- [humming]

Ooh!
Today is a very special day

in the Kingdom of Hamdonia.

For today, my daughter,
Princess Hamhock...

[charming tune]

Will finally meet the man
she is going to marry.

Trumpets!

[fanfare]

Prince Shmeat,
enter the royal hall.

- Oh, all eyes on me, eh?
Oh, what do you know?

What do you think about that?

[all sigh dreamily]

- [giggles]
- Milord.

- Ooh, what a handsome hunk
of processed meat you are.

- Thank you, milord.

- And now, I give you

my beautiful daughter's hand
in marriage.

Oh, Princess Hamhock!

[fanfare]

Come on down, pumpkin.

- Milord! Milord!

[breathing heavily]

Oof!
All: Yeesh!

- Sir Frankfurter,
what is the meaning of this?

- The princess is missing!

[all gasp]

- Holy meatballs!

Where is she? Where is she?

Where is she?

- [giggles]

Tofu Todd!

- Princess Hamhock!

[both giggling]

Oh, Princess Hamhock,
I love you so.

Let us be married and
live happily ever after.

Oh!
- [whimpers]

Oh, Todd, my father would
never approve of you.

You're plant-based!
[sobs]

- [barks]

- Not now, Greasy.

Todd, I...
- [barks]

- [grunts]
- What is it, Greasy?

- [panting]

- Huh? Oh.

- Princess Hamhock, you're late
to your own wedding.

- Why, you'd have to drag me
back there.

- As you wish, milady.

- Huh?
[all yelp]

- Princess,
you will marry Prince Shmeat,

and that is that.

- But Father,
I'm in love with Tofu Todd.

- Hi, Your Highness.

- The royal princess
simply cannot marry a man

who isn't pork based.

- But Father,
there must be some way

for me to marry the man I love.

- Milord, milord!

[panting]

[thuds]

- Hotdogs! Get your hotdogs!

- My lord, according to
the Book of Baloney,

there is a way for a princess
to marry a plant-based peon.

- What?

- It says here,
"A commoner may marry a royal

"if he defeats
the king's chosen suitor

in a series of games known as
the Feats of Meats."

both: Ah!

- Prince Shmeat, I challenge
you to the Feats of Meats.

- [laughs]

Do you really want to
humiliate yourself

in front of the entire kingdom?

- Well, not exactly.

- Too late.
I accept your challenge.

[cheers and applause]

- Let the games begin!

[cheers and applause]

- [inhales deeply]

[fanfare]

First event, archery!

- May the best food product win.

- Yeah, well that's not you,
it's me, see.

Tofu's not even a food. Is it?
Is tofu a food? I don't know.

- Well, here I am,
a boy and his bow.

[grunts]

And boy, oh, boy,
is this bow hard to pull.

[huffs]

[grunts]

[crowd gasps]

- Oh, bean curd.

[laughter]

- Todd!

- Oh, my dear,

your Todd isn't half the man
you thought he was, is he?

[laughs]

- I could do this
with my eyes closed.

[cheers and applause]

- Oh, Greasy.

I didn't think Tofu Todd
can pull this off

without a little help.

- [barks]
- Sounds like a plan.

- [fanfare]

Second event, jousting!
Uh-oh.

- [neighs]

- [screams]
- [laughs]

Oh, time to make
a little shish-ka-Todd.

Yeah, I've got to turn up
the heat on that guy, hmm?

- [grunting]

- [neighs]
- Oof!

Whoa! Whoa!

Golly, I think somebody
gave me a backwards horse.

- OK, remember our plan.

- [barking]

- [laughs]

[yells]

[cheers and applause]

- Huh?
Hot dog, I just won round two.

- [blows trumpet]

And now, the final trial
in the Feats of Meats,

the barbecue battle.

- [grunts]

For the hand of Princess
Hamhock, I challenge thee!

Huh?

- Oh, challenge me, will he?

Well, I'll show him
a thing or two.

[grunts]

[laughs]

- Most excellent!
Most excellent!

- I oughta... hmm!

I've got just the thing
to motivate my man.

Yoo-hoo, Tofu Todd!

[blows kiss]
[giggles]

- Gosh, is that for me?

- Ah!
- Huh?

- [laughs]

- For love and honor!

- [kisses]

- Golly. [giggles]

- Nobody pulls that stuff on me.

I'll show you.

Batter up.

- Whoa!

- Heavy objects!
Heavy objects for sale!

- [grunting]

[elephant trumpets]

- Oh!
Crowd: Shmeat! Shmeat! Shmeat!

- Oh, no!
This looks bad, folks.

- [whimpers]

- Oh, poor Todd.

Hmm? Hmm!

I got an idea.

- I got an idea, too.

Leave me alone
when I'm sleeping.

No respect, I tell you. Huh!

- Huh? Well, golly!

Crowd: Shmeat! Shmeat! Shmeat!
- [laughing]

- For the hand of Princess
Hamhock, I challenge thee!

- Hummina-wha? Hummina-who?
What's going on?

- Why, it's Tofu Todd,
returned to fight.

The contest continues!

- Ooh, how exciting! Fight on.

[crowd gasps]

crowd: Todd! Todd! Todd!

- Oh, back for
a second helping, eh?

Well, time to give this
little twerp what for.

Tofu Todd,
I meet your challenge.

- Well met.

But first, look over there
behind you.

- Huh? Okey-doke.
I don't see anything.

[muttering]

[laughter]

Oh! How embarra-skin.

Talk about being
the butt of the joke.

It's mortifying, I tell you.
Mortifying!

[whip crack]

[yelping]

- [barks]

[snickers]

[sizzling]

- The prince has been grilled
and musubi'd.

Tofu Todd is the winner!

Crowd: Todd! Todd! Todd!

- I simply must congratulate
my daughter's brave suitor.

Excellently done, Tofu Todd.

Most excellent, indeed.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa!

- Fret not, your lordship.
Oof!

Tofu Todd, your brave knight,
has returned to the battle.

- What's this? Two Tofu Todds?

- [gasps]
crowd: Todd! Todd! Princess?

- Now, Princess, this was
Tofu Todd's battle, not yours.

Which means...

- Which means you've got to
marry me.

- [gasps]

- In sickness and in health.

Now should the marriage of
Princess Hamhock

and Prince Shmeat not proceed
for any reason,

speak now or forever
hold your peace.

- Leedle-leedle-leedle-lee!
[rumbling]

- Ah!
- [chomps]

- Egads! The Pointy Mouth
of Doom returneth!

[all screaming]

- Run for your lives!

- Ah!

Help us!

Save us!

[chomping]

And then the Pointed Maw
ate the whole wedding!

And-and-and... oof!

- Uh-uh-uh. No more eating
beloved characters.

- [spits]

both: Oof!

- Goodnight, folks.
[both giggling]

- [kisses]
- Golly!

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪