03x13 - Squidina's Holidaze Special

[bunniefuu]

And I live with my parents! Ow!

This is my dad!

This is my mom! [chuckles]

This is my sister! She's shy.

This is my grandpa.

This is my room!

And this...

This is my show!

[muttering]

[grunts]

[slurps]

[grunts]

Oh! Santa, please don't put me
on the naughty list.

I-- Oh, oh,
it's just you.

Ooh, are you okay?

It took three
consecutive all-nighters

and more coffee than
a 3rd grader should ever drink,

but I finished my script for
the school play just in time.

Ooh.

I wanna pretend to read it!
Huh?

Sorry, Patrick,
this is my only copy,

and if anything happened to it,

I'd probably fail [yawns]
drama class.

So please... don't touch it.

Nudge. Nudge.

Oh, I hope Santa isn't
watching.

He wouldn't mind
if I took a little peek.

[giggles, murmurs]

[screams]

Gotta clean it, gotta clean it!

[gargles]

I'm sure it'll be fine
once I dry it.

[blower whirs]

[gasps]

[grunts]

[snoring]

[growls]

Ooh!

That was almost a disaster.

-[shredding]
-[screams]

[grunts] Ooh!

[exclaims]

-[snoring]
-[grunts]

I can still fix this.

I can't believe it worked.

All fixed.

-[snores]
-[expl*si*n]

[Squidina]
Fade out, end of dream.

Where am I? What's this?

[gasps]

The play! We're gonna be late.

Come on, Patrick. Let's go!

[audience chatters]

[sighs]

All right, class.

It looks like our
illustrious playwright,

Squidina, is a no-show.

That's a failing grade for her.

And the audience
does not sound happy.

We're not happy!
We're not happy!

Wait!

[suspenseful music plays]

[grunts] Here's the author!

[pants] Sorry I'm late.

I had to make copies
for everyone.

[Squidina] Learn your lines!

Good luck, everyone.
[gasps] I mean, break a leg!

Where's Mr. Steinman?
He's got to grade my play.

[groans] Let's just
get this over with.

[giggles]

Oh!
Our little girl's first play.

Oopsy!

My daughter
is directing this play.

[chuckles] I only care
about my own kids.

Toodle-oo!

Huh! I wish I had kids
I cared about.

Now how the heck do I...?

Oh, right.

Testing.

Look, there she is.
There she is.

[Bunny] Oh, our little
director.

-I am so proud of her.
-[beeping]

Huh. That's odd.
Must've run out of time.

Better add more quarters
to the meter.

Oh. Oh! Shh, shh!
It's starting. It's starting.

[Cecil sputters]

♪ It's a holiday play ♪

♪ It's a holiday play ♪

[all] Aw!

Oh! They like it.

♪ And we're here to say ♪

♪ It's a wonderful day ♪

♪ We celebrate
in different ways ♪

♪ Like eating cake
and mayonnaise ♪

♪ We ride a goose
and honk our horn ♪

♪ And then we put some butter
on the corn ♪

[confused muttering]

Wait a minute,
this isn't what I wrote.

What's going on?

Yeah, I may have done

a few punch-ups on your script.

You what?

♪ It's a hollandaise sauce ♪

♪ It's a game of lacrosse ♪

♪ It's some old dental floss ♪

Well, let's just say it went
through some adjustments.

There was some spilling.
Some minor shredding...

♪ We pet our pickled octopus ♪

Well, if that's what
the director wants.

You shredded
and rewrote my script?

♪ La la la la la la la la ♪

Oh, yeah.

You know the first draft

always needs some polishing,

and sometimes welding.

[rocket combusting]

[all screaming]

[chuckles nervously] Oh!

Patrick. This play is 95%
of my final grade

and all my actors are in orbit
because of your script changes!

Now get in costume
and help me fix this!

Well, that was a b*mb.

F minus.

Wait! You can't give me an F!

[chuckles playfully]

Because we're just
getting started.

And it's time for the next act.

Oh! [spits]

Hi, family.
Hope you're enjoying the show.

Just gonna borrow GrandPat
for a moment.

-What the--?
-Just go with the flow.

-You'll be great.
-Have you talked to my agent?

-[moans]
-Five, six, seven, eight.

♪ It a holiday play ♪

♪ Me love holiday ♪

[chuckles] Yeah!

♪ I'm Father Time ♪

♪ I'm the New Year's bay-bay ♪

♪ So listen up ♪

[both] ♪ To what we say ♪

♪ We're gonna take you
on a tour ♪

♪ Through every
single holiday! ♪

Sweet Neptune.
I hope this works.

As requested, the Easter Bunny
reporting for duty.

How do I look?

Sorry, SpongeBob. Rewrites.

You're not
the Easter Bunny anymore.

You're playing, uh,
the other guy.

Go get some boots or something.

Aye-aye!

[Patrick] Introducing
Groundhog Day!

Oh, no! My groundhog
was on that bus!

[all screaming]

We need to recast the part.

Let's see. Groundhog.
Groundhog. Don't mind me.

Aha! Sandy.

[Squidina whispers]

I'll do it!

-Thank you.
-Oh!

Uh, now for the shadow.

[gasps] You!

[whispers]

Perch Perkins reporting,
I'll do it.

Whoa!

Here, put this on.

Folks, I'm either participating

in a kids' play

or being kidnapped.

Stay tuned.

The most important part
of Groundhog Day

is picking the perfect hog
to grind.

That ain't what Groundhog Day
is all about, you clodhopper.

[grunts]

I'll tell you the history.

Groundhog Day has origins
in European weather folklore.

-And--
-Ahem. The script...

Oh. Okay.

It's where a groundhog's shadow

doesn't want winter to end

so it, um...

Huh?

"...challenges the groundhog

to single combat"?

[martial arts grunts]

[Perch] News flash!
Your time in the sun is over.

Oh! Spring's not going down
without a fight.

This just in: it's on!

-[Sandy] Hai-yah!
-[scuffling]

[Perch] Breaking news!

You mean, breaking nose!

[grunting, scuffling]

How about some shadow boxing?

Six more weeks of pain.

[grunting, scuffling]

Time to spring forward!

And just like that,
winter was over.

Hey! My shadow's supposed
to be following me.

Whoa-oh-a-oh!

And that's where sausage
comes from.

-Oh! Oh! Ow!
-[crashing thud]

Oh, come on,
why isn't this thing working?

[grunting, groaning]

[angry grumbling]

Pay attention now
or you'll miss my little boy.

[gasps] Isn't he talented?

I can't make heads or tails
of this dadgum script.

What comes next?

Ew! What is this?

It's a heart.
I used to have one of those.

Valentines Day must be next.

Isn't this supposed
to be a Christmas play?

[slurping]

False advertising.

Not to mention,
this acting is atrocious.

A half dead imbecile
could do better than this.

Then you two will be perfect.
Knock 'em dead!

What the...? [screams]

[exclaims]

Huh?

[sputters, clears throat]

Oh, Cupid,

I have searched the entire sea.

Bring forth my true love to me.

[screams]

Are you supposed
to be my true love?

Thank-ye not.

No. I'm Cupid.
Your girlfriend's up there.

I suppose that's an
improvement.

[grunts]

Oh, my love,
how I yearn for your embrace--

And then they kiss.

And then they kiss?

I hope he brushed his teeth
this morning.

I hope she wore hers.

[both gulp]

[kissing noises]

[crowd gasps]

[chuckles]

Clever trick.

But that won't work on me.

Now, hand over Cupid.

I come from a future

where Cupid's army
of stale candy-hearts

have unleashed
their never-ending sugar w*r.

[robotic voice] I love you.

Now I've returned
to stop this future

from ever coming to pass

by destroying
the one you call Cupid!

[yelps]

Hah! Nice try, muscles.

Here, have some candy.
I'm sure you'll love it.

[computerized beeps]

I see now that I was wrong

to hate those beautiful
candy hearts.

I'm coming, my love!

Be mine!

[laughs wickedly]

Hmm, an interesting take.

This isn't going
as badly as I expected.

[screams] Ow!

[laughs weakly]

How do these boots look,
partner?

What? No, wrong boots.

Where's your beard?
Where's your big coat?

One big coat comin' up.

[thunder rumbling]

Hey, Patgor.

Peak-a-boo!

Peak-a-boo!

Hey, you two egg-noggins.

Get back to work!

Okay.

And to tie it all together...

Hold on
to your jingle bells, boys.

Yes. It's alive.

The Christmas Spirit is alive!

[grunting]

Ah!

[both] Merry Christmas, boss!

Thanks.
Just what I always wanted.

[camera shutter clicks]

And now to celebrate
my favorite day!

Patrick's Day!

[audience cheering]

It's not Patrick's Day,
you buffoon!

It's Saint Patrick's Day.

What's the difference?

[Patrick screams]

[Mr. Krabs] Hey!

[GrandPat] Saint Patrick's Day
apparently commemorates

the brave deeds
of Saint Patrick,

who opposed the evil
green leprechauns,

who were using their dark magic

to turn pots of gold
into rainbows.

[maniacal laughing]

[grumbles]

So powering up his strength

to its maximum level,

Saint Patrick did battle
with the leprechaun.

[both grunting]

[both scream]

Huh?

[hums a tune]

[groans]

Saint Patrick
delivered one final blow.

Hold it!

Who wrote this malarkey?

[Patrick] Hey!

Wow, so original.

The villain gets defeated.

Don't you people
wanna see something new?

[all] No.

Something cutting edge?

[all] No.

Well, I've got something to
say.

[Mr. Krabs]
All right, Shakespeare,

this is your final act.

Take a hike.
I'm building a moment.

Fore...

[Plankton screaming]

[all screaming]

-Any room?
-No, we're full.

-[grunting]
-[Mr. Krabs] Okay.

-[screaming]
-[Mr. Krabs laughing]

[laughter]

Uh, I should probably
get backstage.

To celebrate Easter,
a special treat.

We hid chocolate eggs
under your seat.

[all gasp happily]

[slurping]

Uh, that segment's been cut.

[all] Aw...

But don't worry...

there's an even sweeter treat

on the next page.

[munching]
Had to cut that one too.

-I'm back.
-[horn honks]

How do ya like this coat?

What is this?

No, no, no no! A red coat.
With the fluffy trim.

Ooh! Fluffy trim?
Coming right up.

Wait, how did you...

Going up?

Patrick, you're supposed
to be on stage!

Oh, no, the teacher.

We're losing him.
We gotta get to the good part.

I know! Holiday lightning
round!

The Fourth of July!

Boxing Day!

Labor Day!

Tax Day!

-Twin Day!
-Twin Day!

Halloween.

-[laughter]
-Aah!

Free Balloon Day.

Now it's free. Nothing Day.

Cy-ber Mon-Day.

Mother's Day.

Fitness Day!

Swaptoberfest.

All right, pal, let's go.

Earth Day!

Opposite Day!

Make A Friend Day.

Huh, I don't know
about some of these...

Found a fluffy trim.

No, no, no,
that's not a Santa suit.

I'm... playing... Santa?

Well, why didn't ya say so?
I have the perfect outfit.

Oh, no.

Wednesday.

Those aren't holidays.
Docking points.

Cue Bikini Bottom Founders'
Day!

h*, h*, h*!

Is this what you had in mind?

[gasps] SpongeBob, it's
perfect!

Come on, you're up soon.

I'm ready. I'm ready.
I'm r-- Oh...

[grunts]

[exclaiming]

Oh. [weakly] Ready. [groans]

Well, that's it.

I don't think this play

could possibly get any worse.

[screaming]

[all groaning]

It got worse.

[screaming]

[sighs]

Hey, why are those grown-ups

wearing our costumes?

Hate to break it to ya, kid,

but they were looking
for seasoned talent.

[gasps]

Did you hear that?

Those weird grown-ups
stole our parts.

Get 'em!

[all scuffling]

Nope. It got worse than worse.

I guess
it's summer school for me.

Oh, I feel bad.

Me too.

And not just from eating

all those chocolate eggs.

[grunts]

-But I have an idea!
-[bell dings]

[whispering]

That's it!
Patrick, your genius is showing.

[gasps] Again?

[laughs]

Come on, let's go.

[all grunting]

Uncle, Uncle!

All right, I think
we've both seen enough.

[groans]

[grunting]

Let's just get this grading
over with.

Well, due to excessive
violence, destruction,

and lack of Christmas content
in a Christmas play,

I have to give you an F.

[sighs]

I know. It would've taken

a miracle to fix this mess...

[expl*si*n]

[gasps]

Did someone say miracle?

h*, h*, h*, h*!

Honey, look! It's Santa.

Ooh!

Jumping Gingerbread Men!

It's Santa!
Santa's in your play?

-A+ for you!
-Yippee!

Santa, did you get my letters?
Tell me about the North Pole!

This is amazing!

But, SpongeBob, Patrick,
how did you pull it off?

Patrick here reminded me

that the big guy

owes us a couple of favors.

Thanks for fixing my play,
big brother.

Aw...

I'm just sorry I messed it up

in the first place.

And that's why you're still

on my naughty list,
Patrick Star.

[laughs]

But never mind all that,
it's time for presents.

[all cheering]

h*, h*, h*! h*, h*, h*, h*, h*!

[groaning]

[Santa] h*, h*, h*!
Merry Christmas!

[laughing uncontrollably]