02x04 - Handy Helper/Love Sick

[bunniefuu]

[Reveille plays]

Attention, campers,

Attention, campers--

It's time for camp lazlo!

♪ There were to scouts

Who made a friend

And lazlo was his name-o

L-a-z-l-o ♪

♪ L-a-z-l-o ♪

♪ L-a-z-l-o ♪

♪ And lazlo was his name-o ♪

♪ And then that trio

Went to camp

And turned it upside-o

L-a-z-l-o ♪

♪ L-a-z-l-o ♪

♪ L-a-z-l-o

And lazlo was his name-o ♪

[



Slinkman!

Aren't you done with my

Ironing yet?

Just finishing your

Badge sash, sir.

Slinkman, I'm freezing my

Antlers off in here.

What are you doing?

Can't you see I'm damp and

Exposed?

Uh, sir, I think we have a

Problem.

There appears to be an issue

With your badge sash, sir.

It's...

Well, it's incomplete.

Yeah, so what's the big deal?

That means there's a badge

You didn't earn.

Just get one from the utility

Closet and stick it on for me.

Uh, actually, sir, I can't.

You have to earn it or commander

Hoo-hah will find out and

Terminate your command.

What?

And you'll never get a chance

To be promoted to grand legume,

Like you always dreamed.

Ah.

Grand legume.

Oh, pshaw.

How's that old windbag ever

Gonna find out?

Well, I'll...

I'll have to tell him, sir.

You wouldn't really do that,

Would you, slinkman?

[Crickets chirping]

Slinkman?

I'm sorry, sir.

If I don't, I'll get salted.

What badge am I missing?

The handy helper badge.

And that means to earn that

Badge, I have to...

[Muttering]

Help someone.

Help someone?!

No!

What are you doing, sir?

I'm simply too valuable to

Waste away at this miserable

Excuse for a camp.

The real world needs someone

With my can-do spirit,

My intellect.

But, sir, why leave when you

Could just stay, earn your

Badge, and be done with it?

Because a man of the real

World doesn't need badges or

Grand legumes, slinkman.

Good-bye, camp kidney,

You old pile of logs.

Real world, here I come--

Sir!

Just one of the hazards of

The real world, slinkman.

Here, a man must pick

Himself up and--

Sir, wouldn't it be easier to

Just earn the badge?

Easier?

Yes, slinkman.

But not what a man of the real

World would do.

Oh!

Yes, but I wonder if you are

Cut out for the real world, sir.

Cut out for it?

Why, taylor-made is more like--

Oh!

That one actually hurt a little.

Please reconsider, sir.

[Elephants trumpeting]

[Screaming]

[Ducks quacking]

Slinkman?

Sir?

Ok, who do I gotta help?

Hiya, scoutmaster lumpus.

Suddenly, tires up my nose

Don't seem so bad.

Sir, just give it a chance.

They are the only ones who

Volunteered.

Yep.

So you can get your handy helper

Badge.

Hey, guys, scoutmaster lumpus is

Here to help us.

Oh, good!

We need lots of help.

Ee!

Boy, I'll say.

Good luck, sir.

Yeah, whatever.

Scoutmaster lumpus, we've got

An idea for how you could get

Your handy helper badge.

You could help us with our bunk

Swimming.

I'm busy.

Ok.

But you're really missing out.

Free-style!

Back stroke.

[Cow moos]

[Laughter]

[Growling]

All right, all right!

I'll help you with your stupid

Bunk swimming.

Higher, sir.

Hey, I'm doing it.

Ha ha.

It's kind of fun.

Look at me.

Back stroke!

How's the water, sir?

It's adult swim.

Now, let the grownups have

Some fun.

[Laughing]

Sir, this isn't being very

Helpful.

Aha!

[Crash]

Well, that was refreshing.

Oh.

Here he comes!

Here he comes!

Magical floating head

Must be fed.

Here is your food,

Mr. Magical floating head.

[Munching]

My turn!

Scoutmaster lumpus,

Want to play magical floating

Head for your badge?

How does me playing magical

Floating head help me get my

Badge?

If you play, you'll be

Helping, 'cause then clam will

Have someone to feed.

Yeah, yeah--feed!

What do you say?

Eh.

Magical floating heads

Must be fed.

[Munching]

Hey, not bad!

What do you call this stuff?

Magical floating head food.

Whatever.

Hit me.

[Munching]

Hmm!

This stuff is all right!

Hit me again.

Um, you're not supposed to

Push, sir.

Out of the way, kid.

This doesn't seem very handy

Or helpful to me.

More, more!

Give me more!

[Burp]

Oh, scoutmaster lumpus?

What?

Would you help us get to

Sleep by reading us a story?

It would help you earn you handy

Helper badge.

Mmm, I'll give you

A helping hand.

[Muttering]

Here you go,

Scoutmaster lumpus.

"The happy squirrel."

You gotta be kidding.

Please!

All right.

But I don't see how reading

"The happy squirrel" is gonna

Help anybody get to sleep.

Once upon a time, there

Was a happy--

[Snoring]

[Muttering]

Happy squirrel.

[Donkey brays]

[Snoring]

[Knocking]

Who is it?

Sir?

What goes on?

Uh, scoutmaster lumpus got

Sleepy.

Has he actually helped you

With anything?

Well, um, he...

No, he hasn't.

Ah!

Good morning, slinkman.

I just slept like a baby.

It's after noon, sir,

And I'm sorry, but I've seen

Enough.

What?

What are you talking about?

Well, it's obvious you

Haven't done too much helping.

I'm sorry, but I have to make a

Phone call to hoo-hah.

No!

You can't do it.

That means no scoutmaster,

No grand legume!

Please, I'm not ready for the

Real world.

I don't want to be a hood

Ornament!

Wait, slinkman!

Please give him one more chance.

We don't want to lose our

Beloved scoutmaster lumpus.

Have pity on a poor,

Worthless moose.

All right, all right.

I'll give you two hours.

And if you can help someone and

Get your badge by then, I won't

Call hoo-hah.

Two hours.

Boy, that was close.

Let's get some waffles.

Don't worry, sir.

You're gonna help me do

Something and get that badge.

How on earth am I gonna help

You when I'm not good at

Anything but being a jerk?!

That's it!

You're gonna help me become

A jerk!

I'm road k*ll!

[Sobbing]

Now, what would a jerk do in

The mess hall?

Why don't you just go cut in

Line or something.

You think you can handle that?

Of course, I can!

I feel like a jerk just thinking

About it.

Don't look now, samson,

But there's one big jerk that

Just cut in line right behind

You.

[Giggling]

Excuse me, is this the end of

The line?

Why, yes, it is.

But because I'm such a big jerk,

I'm gonna cut in line right

Behind you.

Well, thanks...

I guess.

You're not welcome!

Ha ha ha.

How was that, coach?

Needs work.

Ok, so what would a jerk do

Outside the mess hall?

Why don't you try some good

Old-fashioned name-calling.

Oh, I'm good at

Old-fashioned.

Hiya, ye old clammus

Of ye old camp kidney!

Salutations, ye old edward,

Duke of platypusshire.

Oh, hail to thee, sir raj of

Cabin jelly.

Huh.

Maybe a little out of your

League.

Why don't you try scaring the

Dickens out of some poor sap.

Boo!

Thanks, lazlo.

[Laughter]

Hey, scoutmaster lumpus.

How am I doing?

And how exactly are you being

A jerk now?

Well, I threw the biggest

Party ever, invited every single

Person I know, but I didn't

Invite myself!

What a jerk I am to myself.

I give up.

Slinkman, call hoo-hah.

I couldn't help a fish to a cup

Of water.

Well, I don't take any

Pleasure in this, sir.

Don't touch that phone!

Scoutmaster lumpus helped me.

He helped me!

Look, lazlo, I understand

That you really don't want

Scoutmaster lumpus to leave,

But I don't think that he's

Capable of helping anyone but

Himself.

But he's helped me

To become a jerk.

I don't see it.

Wait, I'll prove it to you.

Name-calling.

You, slinkman, are nothing but

An old...

An old slugward chap of

Sluggenshire.

[Wheel squeaking]

Boo!

Try to relax.

Don't let the stresses of the

Outside world control your mind.

Focus on your internal

Happiness.

Ah!

Hello, mr. Butterfly.

You are in your happy place.

I love being in my happy

Place.

[Telephone rings]

Try to eliminate annoying

Distractions.

Hello.

Commander hoo-hah here.

Lumpus, you say?

Don't let things bother you.

Missing what?

A handy helper badge?!

Aagh!

Yes, there's just a big empty

Spot on his sash.

He'll never get promoted to

Grand legume ever!

You'll have to remove him

From command, sir.

No!

Give me that phone!

What?

What's going on there?

Give me that phone,

I'm talking to commander--

Ow!

Slinkman!

Who is that?

Ow, ow, ow!

Slinkman!

[Grunting]

Slinkman, who is that jerk?!

Did he say you're a--

Yep.

Then you really are a--

Yep.

So, lumpus did help you to

Become a--

Yep.

Scoutmaster lumpus!

Hey, come back!

Wait!

Hey, come back,

Scoutmaster lumpus!

You helped me!

Come back!

You helped lazlo.

What?

You helped lazlo.

You helped him.

That's right!

You turned me into a big jerk.

Hoo-hah says so.

I helped that little monkey

Thing?

Yes.

I have your badge right here!

I did it!

♪ Lazlo's a jerk

I helped him be a jerk

He's a jerk

He's a-- ♪

Ouch!

[Growls]

Can somebody help me turn off

This blasted c*ck tape?!

Come on.

Don't be a jerk!

...to your neighbor.

[Grunts]

Uh-huh.

[Grunts]

[Moans]

[



Uh...





]

Ha ha ha.

[Screams]

[Giggles]

Ow!

That one actually hurt a little.

[Toot]

[Reveille plays]

Attention, campers,

Attention, campers--

It's time for camp lazlo!

♪ There were to scouts

Who made a friend

And lazlo was his name-o

L-a-z-l-o ♪

♪ L-a-z-l-o ♪

♪ L-a-z-l-o ♪

♪ And lazlo was his name-o ♪

♪ And then that trio

Went to camp

And turned it upside-o

L-a-z-l-o ♪

♪ L-a-z-l-o ♪

♪ L-a-z-l-o

And lazlo was his name-o ♪

Ok, scouts,

The moment you've all

Been waiting for:

The annual onion day tug-o-w*r

Between the putrid bean scouts--

[Cheering]

Oh, yeah, that's us!

Putrid!

And the undefeated squirrel

Scouts!

Yeah, squirrel scouts!

Sock it to them!

Sir?

[Snoring]

Sir?

Huh, what?

What, did we lose already?

Come on!

Let's get this over with.

Really.

This is so anticlimactic.

Every year, it's the same

Story.

We heave and h*, then gretchen

Pulls us all into the mud.

We should all just throw in--

There!

Very nice!

What are you derelicts doing?

I'm showing raj how to make a

Flower with rope.

And I wonder why we lose

Every year.

Mine looks like a stinkweed,

Lazlo.

How are you doing, clam?

French knot.

Instead of playing macrame,

Why don't you guys pull for a

Change.

Pull?

Yeah.

You pull the rope like this.

It's called tug-o-w*r.

Like this?

Ding-dong!

Ding-dong!

Who is it?

Ding-dong!

Like this?

Ding-dong!

Ding, ding.

Ok, scouts.

Ready?

Ready, gretchen?

Set?

Go!

[Grunting]

Ok.

[Straing]

Now!

[Screaming]

Whoa!

[Groaning]

All right, clam,

Hold tight!

[Growls]

Ding-dong.

[Gasps]

Ding-dong.

[Growling]

Dong.

Clam!

Clam, buddy,

Are you all right?

Clam!

Speak to us.

You keep that mutant whatever

He is as far away from me as

Possible!

Most species on this earth

Will want to stay as far away--

Clam, where are you going?

Clam?

Clam!

Whoa, whoa!

Stop it right there, buddy.

You need to get that bump

Looked at.

Yes, clam.

We are this way.

You're walking toward that--

That thing!

Come on, clam.

Let's see nurse leslie.

So, nurse leslie,

Has this bump caused brain

Damage?

Psoriasis, head lice?

[Sighs]

Well, he does have a

Nasty-looking bump there.

I tried to make it look better

By drawing a happy face on it.

I don't know.

No, you're buddy's real problem

Is slightly more complicated.

He's, well, in love.

In love?!

Great goodness, it's worse

Than we thought.

How do you know?

Bad case of doilies.

I am shocked.

But who's he in love with?

Well, we need a culture for

That.

Hmm.

He's in love with some

Prehistoric mutated dinosaur.

Let me see.

That's gretchen.

Gretchen?!

Well, he was not too far off.

Gretchen.

You'll need to keep him as

Far away from her as possible.

Think you can do that?

And we'll need to keep him

Quarantined for a couple of

Weeks.

Love sickness is known to be

Highly contagious.

Quarantined?

But we don't want the camp to

Find out he has love sickness.

Don't worry.

We'll keep it discreet.

Love sickness?

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

What a loser!

Ah ha ha ha.

We better stay away.

Love sickness makes your fingers

Fall off.

I heard it will make your

Eyeballs turn inside out.

Poor clam.

Flu symptoms, quarantined.

[Groaning]

Help me.

Lazlo, I do not think nurse

Leslie would approve of us

Borrowing his books.

Don't worry, clam.

We're gonna help you.

We have a book called

"Questionable cures."

Gretchen!

Are you ready, raj?

Are you sure this will work,

Lazlo?

Well, technically, they're

Supposed to be canadian geese,

But ducks will have to do.

I hope this duck didn't have

A big lunch.

Are you ready, clam?

Gretchen!

Love sickness, love sickness,

Fly away home.

Love sickness, love sickness,

Leave clam alone.

No clam loving!

Ah-choo!

Gretchen.

I forgot that clam is

Allergic to ducks.

Raj, didn't your mother have

A tea that cured everything?

You are speaking of my

Mother's kafizzle river curry

Pepper tea...

And it is not to be messed with.

Besides, you need water from the

Kafizzle river to make it,

Which we do not have.

What about your kafizzle

River snow globe?

Gretchen?!

Oh!

Here you go.

But be very careful.

Smells good.

Oops!

Do not spill it!

Wow!

It's like magma from the earth's

Core!

More powerful than that.

You must be quite mindful.

Mindful, got it.

Whoops!

Don't spill it.

Hot magma.

Oh, you spilled it again.

So, sorry.

Not mindful, not mindful,

Not mindful!

Won't happen again.

Please, lazlo!

Here, clam.

Drink this.

[Slurp]

Ah--

Ah-choo!

Gretchen!

Ok, grandma.

Right, right.

Ok, thanks.

I love you, too.

Got it.

My grandmother says this

Brazilian plantain persimmon

Pear pie is the only thing that

Cures love sickness.

But where are we going to get

The brazilian pear persmello

Whatever pie?

Hey, clam, you hang tight!

We're gonna find a pie shop in

Prickly pines!

Oh.

We won't be long!

Pie shop!

Aah.

Ah--

Ah-choo!

[Farts]

Gretchen.

I've always dreamt of a life

On the rails.

Um, excuse me, sir,

Is there a pie shop in town?

[Sniffling]

Ah-choo!

Apple!

Pecan!

Cherry!

There it is!

One brazilian plantain persimmon

Pear pie, please!

Ha ha ha.

For love sickness, ja?

[Sniffling]

Gretchen.

Ah-choo!

What the?!

Oh, it's just you.

You know, clam, it ain't too

Bright sneaking up on alligators

Like that.

What do you doing here anyway?

Shoo!

Go on!

Get lost!

If anyone found out that a bean

Scout was trespassing this far

Into squirrel scout's territory,

There'd be--

What?!

Sick.

You're sick?

Gretchen sick.

You're gonna get gretchen

Sick if you don't beat it!

Uh, no!

Gretchen sick.

Gretchen sick.

Wait a minute.

You mean...

Clam gretchen sick.

With me?

Ah-choo!

Love sickness!

[Stammering]

You stay away from me, clam!

Sick for gretchen!

Get away!

Clams are bad for gretchen.

Clams with gretchen!

No clams!

Clams!

No clams!

Clams!

No clams!

Clams, clams, clams,

Clams, clams!

Hey, uh, clam,

Our neckerchiefs are tangled.

Love knot.

Love knot?

What are you talking about?

It's just a knot.

It can be untangled.

Just gotta--

Love knot!

Untangle!

Come on, you stupid knot!

Gretchen?!

Gretchen?!

Hey, gretchen!

Oh, no!

Oh, no, no!

Come out, stupid knot!

Come on!

Gretchen!

Hey, gretchen, you're gonna

Miss jai alai practice.

She never misses jai alai.

Ha, oh.

There you are.

Ha ha.

Hey, ladies.

We've been calling for you.

Yeah.

Didn't you hear us?

We have jai alai today.

Did you forget?

No.

Just getting ready.

Um...

You're neckerchief's on

Backwards.

Oh, uh...

Yeah.

It's a new style.

Do you like it?

[Sniffling]

Ah--

Uh, uh--

Ah-choo!

Gretchen!

Love sick bean!

Aagh!

You gotta help me, please!

[Panting]

Love sick bean alert.

Love sick bean alert.

Love sick bean alert.

[Screaming]

Love sick bean alert.

Love sick bean alert.

Love sick bean alert.

Love sick bean alert.

Love sick bean has infiltrated

Our perimeter.

Danger, danger.

Love sick bean alert.

Love sick bean alarm!

From squirrel scout camp!

Clam!

Full throttle to squirrel scout

Camp, engineer raj!

I think I can.

I think I can.

I think I can.

Help, help!

Somebody please help me!

Come on, amber.

Open up!

Tootie, tootie!

You gotta help me!

[Panting]

Somebody help...

[Panting]

Me please.

Someone.

You gotta help me.

[Groans]

Clam and gretchen...

Forever.

Oh, no.

No, no, no.

Clam and gretchen not forever.

Clam and gretchen forever.

Not forever.

Forever.

Not forever!

Forever!

Not!

Forever!

Not!

Forever!

Not forever!

Forever!

Not forever!

Forever!

Whoa!

Uh, uh...

Where am i?

Clam!

Duh...

Uh-oh!

Clam!

Hold on, buddy!

We've got pie!

Lazlo!

Clam!

Gretchen!

Oh, look.

The lake.

Well...

What are you looking at,

Mutant?!

I thought I told you to get

Lost!

Get lost yourself!

Thanks, lazlo.

[Whistling]

Well, he's resting

Comfortably.

But he'll be--

He'll be experiencing flu-like

Symptoms for a few weeks.

Whoops.

Well, good-bye.

[Grunting]

Ah-choo!

Oh, miss doe!

Rrr!

[Grunts]

Uh-huh.

[Grunts]

[Moans]


Uh...


Ha ha ha.

[Screams]

[Giggles]

Ow!

That one actually hurt a little.

[Toot]