03x02 - The Big Weigh In/Hard Days Samson

[bunniefuu]

Samson

Attention, campers.

Attention, campers.

It's time for camp lazlo.

♪ There were two scouts

Who made a friend

And lazlo was his name-o

L-a-z-l-o

♪ L

♪ A

♪ Z-l-o

♪ L-a-z-l-o

♪ And lazlo was his name-o

♪ And then that trio

Went to camp

And turned it upside down-o

L-a-z-l-o ♪

♪ L-a-z-l-o

♪ L-a-z-l-o

And lazlo was his name-o ♪

♪ Yodel-ay-eee

[Microphone feedback]

Atten--oh!

Ouch.

Don't forget, all you scouts.

Today is the day for your annual

Checkup.

Please report to nurse leslie's

Office.

Plus I feel very strange, and

Do you rember last month when

I scraped my knee?

Well, do you rember that scab?

Come on, already!

Why do I have to wait in this

Germ-infested line?

Nursie, what's the hold-up?!

I've been looking forward to

This all summer.

You know what makes it all worth

It?

Uh, great health?

Nuh-uh.

Lollipops.

Next.

Name's lazlo.

Check the file and prepare the

Lollipop.

Thanks, lazlo.

What would we do without you?

No problem.

Ok, so what do we have here?

Same thing we have every

Year--perfect health.

Give me lollipop!

Easy there, chief.

Says here you have brown eyes...

Yes.

Last I checked, yep.

Brown hair...

Yes.

Yes, sir.

No cavities...

Fine.

Yep.

Weighing in at 35 pounds...

Fine.

Check.

Lollipop, lollipop!

Lolli, lolli, lolli!

Ha ha!

Green flavor, my favorite!

Next.

Ok, nurse leslie, lollipop

Me.

What?

Don't I get a lollipop?

You just took one.

No, I didn't.

Yes, you did.

No, I didn't.

Yes, you did.

I heard you take one.

Now get lost.

Ok, then.

[Sniffling]

Hmmph!

Where is your lollipop,

Lazlo?

Nurse leslie wouldn't give me

One.

Oh.

Clam and I got ours.

Grape and cherry.

[Slurping]

Hey, edward, can I have your

Lollipop?

What?

Get your own artificial flavor

To suck on!

Oh, no, I don't want to suck

On it.

We want to bury it.

We are growing a lollipop

Tree.

What's a lollipop tree?

You know, so all the little

Creatures of the forest can eat

Lollipops.

That is the stupidest thing--

Lollipop tree?

Cool!

Here, take mine!

Mine, too.

Ha ha ha!

Thanks, skip, chip.

That is what I'm talking

About!

A lollipop tree!

Looks like your annual

Checkup went well, sir.

Yep.

And I see that nurse leslie

Gave you a lollipop, his

Approving signature of good

Health.

Uh-huh.

Uh, actually, I took it myself.

Well, what exactly did nurse

Leslie tell you, sir?

Uh, let's see.

Brown hair, brown eyes, weighing

In at 35 pounds.

35 Pounds?

Correctamundo.

B-but, sir, you're a

Full-grown moose.

You should weigh over 500

Pounds.

Huh?

Severe malnutrition like that

Can cause hair loss, antler

Loss, brain loss, and even

Death.

Hair loss?!

What am I gonna do?

I don't want to be a raving,

Bald, antlerless moose that's,

Uh, not alive!

Really unattractive, slinkman.

What can I do?

Well, sometimes

Over-consumption of food leads

To weight gain.

It's been proven before.

Eat it, eat it, eat it!

Lumpus, lumpus, yeah!

Oh, yeah, there you go.

Down the hatch, sir.

You're doing good.

Feel the carbo loading.

Whoo, what an appetite!

Good work, sir.

So, did you like it?

Oh, yes, me likey.

[Loud burp]

Whew!

How you feeling now, sir?

How do I feel?

More importantly, how do I look?

Why, you look thinner

Already.

Yeah, heh heh--what?

The mcmuesli low-cal fat-free

Food-free weight-loss meal plan

Never fails to shed--

You psychotic salad spinner!

Pounds.

I'm trying to gain weight!

Gain weight?

I can't handle such insanity!

He is not of this world!

I got to get some real food!

I got to get out of here!

[Panting]

Uh, sir, how about some fresh

Mangos or--

Forget about fruit!

I need meat!

I need fat!

I need--

Happy little animals, eating

From our very own lollipop tree.

Whoo!

Lollipop tree, lollipop tree!

Now all the little creatures

Of the forest can enjoy

Lollipops.

And uncle lumpy can have

Lunch.

Furry kabobs!

[Panting]

No, scoutmaster lumpus!

You can't eat the sweet little

Creatures of the forest!

Which way did they go?

Scoutmaster lumpus!

Forest creatures are our

Friends!

Come back here, you fuzzy

Hors d'oeuvres!

We don't eat our friends!

Come on, little creatures.

There's a moose fat globule with

Your name on it!

[Laughing evilly]

Scoutmaster lumpus!

Raging carnivore!

Aaah!

Must eat fuzzy animals!

[Panting]

Hi!

You sure surprised us.

Oh, come on now, mr. Lumpus.

We're not food.

[Bird clucking]

No, you're not food, but he

Sure is.

[All gasp]

[Bird burps]

That's the elusive

Lardadoodle bird.

[Bird clucking]

He's so fat.

97% Fat, to be precise.

Lardudius maximus glutenus.

Biggest mealius for meus.

Fatso bird.

He's kind of the goat of the

Bird world.

The lardadoodle eats anything.

[Bird passes gas]

Aren't we lucky to spot such a

Rare bird, scoutmaster lumpus?

Scoutmaster lumpus?

Scoutmaster lumpus!

What are you doing?

What does it look like I'm

Doing?

With a meal like this, I'll gain

All the weight I need in one

Sitting.

But, scoutmaster lumpus, you

Can't just go out into nature

And start chewing on poor birds.

You know what?

I think you're right, lazlo.

Of course I am, sir.

Here, keep an eye on him.

I'll go home and get my nut g*n

So I can take him to go.

Why eat it raw when I can have

It cooked, right?

Righty-o, scoutmaster.

You go home and get your--what?

[Bird clucking]

Don't you worry, lardy.

I'll get you out of here in a

Jiffy.

Push, guys!

Push lard!

Push!

Push lard!

Here, lardadoodly doodly

Doodly doodly!

Huh.

Keep pushing, guys.

Push, clam!

Push lard!

Ha!

Gotcha!

[Branches snapping]

Uh-oh.

[Bird clucking]

Push lard!

Push lard!

Push lard!

What are we gonna do with

Him?

Put him on a diet!

♪ He'll be comin' round

The mountain when he comes

And I'll serve you up

With biscuits when you're done

Yee-ha!

Yes, I'll serve you up... ♪

All right, where are you?

You can't hide from me forever.

Oh, gee.

With all that mcmuesli fiber, I

Think I need to make a pit stop.

Aha!

[Bird clucking]

I think we lost him.

Surprise!

No!

No--oh.

[All gasp]

♪ Moosey's little baby

Loves fat birds, fat birds

Moosey's little baby loves

Fat bird jam ♪

[Humming]

Huh?

Huh.

[Humming]

Grrr!

Don't worry, lardy.

I'm almost...

In you go.

[Grunting]

Well, that's not--hey!

I'm coming, lardy.

Hey!

Shame on you, scoutmaster

Lumpus, picking on a poor,

Defenseless creature of the

Forest.

How would you like it if some

Creepy old scoutmaster tried to

Eat--

Listen, you, this is between

Me and the bird.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah!

Yeah?

Yeah!

I'm gonna eat that bird if it's

The last--aaah!

[Bird burps]

Aaah!

Shame on you, eating a poor,

Defenseless scoutmas--

Aaah!

Aaah!

Aaah!

[Babbling hysterically]

[Bird burps]

I demand you let lumpus and

Me free?

It's no use, kid.

We're goners.

As we sit here in the belly of

The beast, I can see the folly

Of my selfish actions.

Yeah.

You follied a lot.

But not more than you did!

If you didn't keep me from

Eating that bird, he wouldn't

Have eaten us!

Scoutmaster, sometimes we

Eat, sometimes we are eaten.

It's the circle of survival.

We forgive you, doodle of lard.

Yeah, what the heck?

We forgive you.

I think you should give him

A hug, scoutmaster lumpus.

[Babbling hysterically]

[Bird squawking]

[Passes gas]

Eggs?

Where'd all the eggs come

From?

I don't know, but they're

About to hatch.

Hey, my diary!

And my retainer!

Hey, my laundry!

My bicycle!

My caramel apple!

My set of encyclopedias!

My pants!

But no sign of lazlo and

Lumpus.

Lazlo?

Larry?

[Bird squawking]

[Kitchen timer rings]

Oh!

Oh, lazlo, you are very much

Alive!

Lazlo, lumpus not dead!

We're alive!

Alive?

Hooray!

[Cheering]

Oh, thank you, lardadoodle.

I promise never to try and

Eat you again for as long as I

Live.

Oh, no.

I still haven't eaten.

[Bird cooing]

Oh, look.

Ma wants to feed her baby.

Oh, uh, that's very kind of

You, but i--

[Gagging]

Aw, how precious.

[Groaning]

Well, doc, what do you think?

[Groaning]

Nothing a mcmuesli weight

Loss plan couldn't cure.

[Lumpus passes gas]

Attention, campers.

Attention, campers.

It's time for camp lazlo.

♪ There were two scouts

Who made a friend

And lazlo was his name-o

L-a-z-l-o

♪ L

♪ A

♪ Z-l-o

♪ L-a-z-l-o

♪ And lazlo was his name-o

♪ And then that trio

Went to camp

And turned it upside down-o

L-a-z-l-o ♪

♪ L-a-z-l-o

♪ L-a-z-l-o

And lazlo was his name-o ♪

♪ Yodel-ay-eee

[Panting]

[Thunder]

[Bicycle bell ringing]

Good day, miss--

[Muffled]

Oh, for crying out--

Good day, miss mucus!

Ain't it a beaut?

Identification, please.

Heh heh!

Come on, rubella.

I've been delivering your camp's

Mail all summer.

Heh heh!

Here you go.

Don't suppose you could give me

A head start this morning?

Those girls give me the willies.

[Triangle ringing loudly]

Mail!

[Gasping and squealing]

Aaah!

Good day, ladies.

My new math pin-up!

Scrunchy of the month club!

Check out august!

Looks like mom and dad are

Enjoying florida.

Aaah!

The new issue of "dreamboat"

Magazine.

[Gasps]

With hanly manster on the cover!

He's so gorgeous.

And generous.

He adopts underprivileged baby

Ponies.

I'd like to put him in a cage

And keep him on my nightstand

Forever.

[Sighs]

I wish he were here with us

Right now.

Well, if you gals are all

Set, I'm gonna get a move on.

Thanks for the magazine.

[Gasps]

What's the matter--

[Gasps]

You girls sound like a couple

Of--

[Gasps]

He looks just like hanly

Manster!

[All sighing]

Well--heh heh--i'm off.

The road's a harsh mistress, and

She waits for no one.

[Rings bicycle bell]

What's your hurry, manly--

I mean, samson?

What?

Well, uh--

Why don't you stick around

A while?

[Chuckling nervously]

Love to, but, uh, the mail must

Go through and--hey, hey, hey,

What gives?

[Fabric ripping]

That was really strange.

[Girls talking all at once]

[Laughter]

Look!

His pillow!

That's where he lays his

Sweet, sweet head.

I found his socks!

I found his tissues!

I found his dandruff!

[Girls squealing]

Let me have some!

Get your own!

I said give me some of that

Samson dander!

Look!

It's him!

Hi, samson.

Hello.

Can we do anything for you?

Could you put my dandruff

Back where you found it?

[All laughing]

Handsome and funny.

[All sigh]

Well, i...i really should

Get going now.

[Girls sighing]

Oh, golly, those squirrel scouts

Are starting to give me the

Creeps.

Hi, samson.

Where are you going, samson?

To the bathroom.

He goes to the bathroom.

Ooh!

So dreamy.

Heh heh!

I think I'll take the long way

Around.

[Panting]

Ok, my turn.

I spy with my--

Oh!

What's wrong, edward?

I'm bored.

[Panting]

[Squealing]

Awesome.

I need you two to find out why

The squirrel scouts are chasing

Samson.

How do we do that?

You know, dig around, ask

Questions, see what you can find

Out.

Here's some walking-around

Money.

Food vouchers!

Thanks, edward!

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, man, just thinking about

This makes me want to--uh-huh.

[Laughing evilly]

Aren't we supposed to be

Finding out why the girls are

Chasing samson?

Not on an empty stomach,

We're not.

Two specials, please.

Coming right up.

Hold on a second, raj.

Vouchers, huh?

Let's just see if these babies

Are real.

[Buzzing]

Lazlo, what is that

Instrument?

Scoutmaster lumpus' nose hair

Trimmer.

Where is it?

Where is it?

Where is it?

Where is it?

[Gasps]

Aaah!

Enjoy your meals, fellas.

Clam!

We need more potato salad!

Potato salad.

Heavier than usual.

Raj, does that potato salad

Look funny to you?

Yes, there is entirely too

Much samson.

Samson, what are you doing in

There?

Hiding from the squirrel

Scouts.

Please let me stay!

I beg you!

Why are you hiding from the

Squirrel scouts?

They think I look like some

Hunky heartthrob named hanly

Manster.

Hanly manster?

[Screaming]

Oh, now you've done it!

Samson, you can't hide in

There forever.

What will you eat?

Potato salad?

Come on, you.

We'll help you figure a way out

Of this mess.

Come on, raj.

Yes, just let me take care of

Skip and chip.

They're gone.

Lazlo, wait for me!

[Screaming]

[Screaming]

[Screaming]

Aaah!

No matter where we hide, the

Squirrel scouts always find us!

They won't find us in here,

Raj.

[Squealing]

Here they come!

That's just my deviated

Septum.

It's not so loud if I breathe

Through my mouth.

[Wheezing]

Silence!

Precisely, clam.

Let's see if the coast is clear.

[Screaming]

Better lay low a little

Longer.

[Screaming]

A little longer.

[Screaming]

Aaah!

Samson!

[Stammering]

Make them stop!

Aaah!

La-la-la la la!

Morse code!

He wants us to barricade the

Door!

[Whimpering]

Uh, where'd all that wood

Come from?

The other side.

[Wolf howling]

Oh, boy.

Hi, samson.

Aaah!

I'm sorry, samson!

I didn't sign on for this!

Run away!

Hi, samson.

Hi, samson.

Quick!

Samson, the totem pole!

[Screaming]

Ha ha ha ha!

Fellas, I know funny, and that's

It.

Ha ha ha!

And all I had to do was rat out

Samson.

Let's go catch a rat.

[Screaming]

Well, this looks like the

End, old friend.

[Panting]

Samson, are you ok?

I--i just need my inhaler.

Oh!

I'll get it for you, samson!

Thank you.

You're welcome, samson.

Do you need anything?

Some gum?

I'll get it.

Here you go.

Thanks.

Wow.

Maybe this isn't so bad.

Maybe you're right.

I should just accept my fate.

Do it, samson!

Ok, girls, here I come!

[Screaming]

Yah!

Yah!

Hey, what's that?

Oof!

Look, it's the new issue of

"Dreamboat" magazine!

[All gasp]

[Screaming]

What happened?

I don't know.

Raj?

Clam?

You slipped the magazine under

The door.

Guilty.

It's amazing what you can do

With tape, scissors, and a

Picture of edward.

No!

Whoa!

Poor edward.

I'd hate to be that guy.

Run away!

So, who wants dinner?

We're buying.

Oh, that's great!

I can't wait!

Awesome!

Yeah!

[Edward screaming]

Planting trees.

What kind of tree?

We planted rubber gloves.

To make a rubber glove tree!

You guys, planting rubber

Gloves won't make a rubber glove

Tree.

Yeah, he's right.

It made a stethoscope tree

Instead.

Bummer.

I guess it's the wrong

Season.

Yeah, I guess so.