01x06 - Susie Essman & Jim Florentine

[bunniefuu]

Come one, come all 'cause we're having a

ball. We're just making some calls to

strangers. Come on, come

onYou can say what you want and they'll

never know if you're deranged or

what, but it doesn't really matter.

We'll all be doubled over with laughter

at the expense of others, maybe even your

mother. Won't you join the Crank Yankers

tonight?Crank Yankers!

Yeah, it is Willie. Can I help you?Yes.

Um, I'm trying to track a package that

was supposed to be delivered to my

sister. When was it supposed to get there?

It was supposed to get to her address on

the 17th. On the 17th. Yeah, but they

didn't make their first attempt until the



It's three days late. You should have

sent it sooner. I sent it on the 13th.

You should have sent it on the 10th then.

Now, whose fault is that?It's not my

fault. Oh, come on. That's your fault,

not ours. You dreaming. You think you're

going to get there on the 13th?You should

have sent it a little sooner. I'm.

Excuse me. You should have. Can I speak

to your supervisor?You should have sent

the damn thing a little sooner. Give me

your supervisor. Yeah, hold on.

Hey, talk to this customer.

Hey, Jim Bob, the supervisor. Can I

help you?I'm trying to find my sister's

package. I'm not

the mail roomie. Let me transfer you. And

I try. Oh, this is

a game. Yeah, this is Willie. Can I help

you?Oh, you again. I told you

you should have sent the damn thing a

little sooner. I ain't some hula hoop

eyed chicken neck looking child Turkey. I

don't care who the hell you are. I'm. I'm

I'm a customer that paid good money to

get that package in there. I got a

tracking number. Just find the package

and tell me where the hell it is. Listen,

this is my last week in customer service.

I I don't give a damn where that. Maybe

it fell off the truck. Well then give me

somebody that does. Maybe it's floating

down the river. Well, give me somebody

that does give a damn. How's that?Maybe.

Maybe I'll find your package. I'll flush

the damn thing down the toilet. You're

going to yak and complain me.

I didn't spend that damn money for that

sh*t not to be given to my sister. What?

WhatCome on, calm your a*s down. Calm my

a*s down. You don't want to give me lip

and attitude just because I'm one g*dd*mn

nowhere to help my package is. I don't

get the f*ck when the hell I said that

damn thing. It was supposed to be there

Friday. It never showed up. And give me

somebody that gives a damn or you're

going to see somebody that doesn't give a

damn. Now you sounding like my old lady.

I don't give a g*dd*mn rat a*s who the

hell I sound like in your family. I want

somebody to give a goddamnI spent money.

I want some information now. You calm

your a*s down right now. You sounding

like my old lady. I don't care. Hey, come

on, come on, baby. I I

told you. You should have said. My own

recollection. I should have got that damn

thing with the way it was sent. I have

tracking numbers. I checked on the

Internet. What the hell you guys did. I

want to know where the hell it is now. I

told you the thing in transit. What more

do you want to know?What do you mean in

transit?Because I just figured that's

probably what it's doing. But you didn't

send the thing soon enough, so it's

honest. Yeah, right. I guess you should

have said it with Federal Express next

time. That's what you did wrong. No,

I want some honest answers, and I want

somebody to give it to me. And that's not

going to be you. So I want somebody that

will. Fine. I'll get the supervisor then.

Damn, this lady. She's driving me crazy.

Hello. This is Jim Bob. Can I help you?

Yeah, Jim Bob. It's me again.

Oh, did I transfer you wrong?Yeah, you

transferred me. I'm not getting any

information. Oh, wait, wait

Oh, you son of a bitchYeah,

this is Willie. Can I help you?

Customer service. This is Joe. Can I help

you?Yeah, I'm not. I was just called

up there and I'm not too appreciative of

the little games I'm being played.

Uh, how so?How so?Well, when I talk

to a guy named Willie that tell me I need

to send my package g*dd*mn early, cussing

at me and telling me that I'm stupid. And

then he's trying to send me to this stool

named Billy Bob that don't want to answer

the phone. I apologize. I mean, somebody

was rude to you. They're both being rude

to me. All I ask. He told me he doesn't.

He don't. This was his last week. He

don't give a rat's a*s where the hell my

box is. He said it could probably be

floating down the river for all he cares.

Oh, well, ma'am, I you you deserve

better, better service than this. No sh*t

I'll transfer you to the mailroom right

away. How you

doing?Send me back the damn bill.

Hello. HelloThis is Jim Bob, the

supervisor. Can I help you?

Yeah, Jim Bob, don't you transfer me

again. Oh, well, you come on. You don't

tell me what to do, you dang

varmint. You. Let me tell you something.

I don't care what you stuttering b*stard

but you ain't gonna talk to my wife the

way you are. Who?Who do you think you are?

I'm her g*dd*mn husband, damn it. No, you

you you think you are. What is your name?

What is your damn name?I make damn sure

cuz I work for f*cking assMy dad

will fire your m*therf*cking assNow what

is your g*dd*mn name?Don't you talk that

way to me. f*ck you, you bastardYou

lunkhead. What is your damn name?Ohh

Why don't you go go out and milk

some goats?All right, 'cause you know

what?I'm recording this damn message and

it will be sent to your damn supervisor

and everybody else. I am the supervisor,

you know. I don't give a damn. Your a*s

will be fired because you're not going to

talk to my wife or nobody in this family

this way.

Will you stop being lunkhead?You sound

stupid as hell, motherfuckerYou, you, you

lunkhead. Ah

Damn it.

Hello. HelloI'm trying to reach Betty.

This is Betty. Hello, Betty. This is

Niall Standish calling. I'm looking for a

calligrapher. Do I have the right person?

Yeah. Wonderful, Betty. I'm looking to

have some invitations inscribed with

calligraphy. It's sort of a rush job.

I'll need them in a few weeks. I need

approximately 275, and money is

no object. Ohh So what do you want

written on them?I want it to be one of

those what, where, when invitations. Yes,

yes, you're familiar with those?I guess.

All right. Where?



at Beach Street. What?

An a*s-slapping contest.

When?Tuesday, February



With what?I didn't get that.

What?An

a*s-slapping contest.

When?Tuesday, February



like I want to do that. I I don't think

I'd like to do that calligraphy. Betty,

let me ask you, let me ask you, what is

your rate for invitations, for inscribing

invitations?Well, I try to charge about

$25 each. Double it. Now can I

redo the text?Can I just redo the text

underneath and we can see we can see I'm

a I'm a British Earl and and it's a bunch

of old friends from from Sussex and Essex

and we get together and do this once a

year. Anywho, this was this is what the

text I'm looking for is. And let me tell

you, last year's was incredible.

It eventually turned into a circle jerk

but I'm not even going to get into that.

So let me just redo the text.

Guys, get your asses ready

to be slapped. This year, we want to

double the amount of raw red asses that

we had at last year's a*s-slapping

competition. Bring the hardest paddle you

can find, and get ready to be spanked,

you dirty, dirty pigs. Yes, yesI I

don't think I can do that. If you like, I

can get you on the guest list. How does

that sound?I don't think I'd like to do

that at all. Let me just ask you, for

what we've gone over, how long do you

think it would take you?I have no idea.

It's way too much work for one person.

You need a machine. Alright, now if you

were to if you were to do one of them and

then copy that one, would you be able to

do that?I just don't know. This

whole thing's a little weird for me. I'm

sorry, this is weird for you. I'm just a

little southern housewife and I I just

really don't want to do that, so.

Well, I appreciate, I I certainly

appreciate your position, Betty, but I

must say, there's nothing wrong with a

little a*s slap every now and then, a

little slap and tickle, it's all in good

fun. Yes, yesWell, y'all, just have a

good time, but please just leave me a--

Let me ask you this, let me ask you this.

May I ask you this, Betty?Betty?Oh,

Betty.

Critter crazy. Hi. I need to

speak with the parrot expert. OK, that's

me. And what's your name, dear?Andy.

Andy. Yeah. Andy, I have a

parrot my son gave me and it shouts

curse words. OK, I

want to know. It's very embarrassing and

upsetting to me. I'm a very religious

woman, and I want to know if there's any

way I could retrain the parrot. Dirty

Jew. Oh, goodness. I'm at my wit's end,

Andy. Can I tell you something?

Shut up. My friend. I'm not talking to

you, dear. My friend Miriam was over the

other day. The parrot calls her a wh*re

Oh, my God. OK, What am I supposed to do

about this?Well, I'll tell you

what. About the only thing. If you

just. You bastardGo ahead, Andy. What?

This goes on all day. What?

Can I give it medication?Can I give it

some Prozac, some Valium?No, but I've got

some tapes that you can possibly play.

Oh, interesting. Filthy wh*re

You know, Andy, you hear what I have to

put up with?SkankSkankAnd

there is, is this, is there some kind of

like a shock collar?Because I'm very

close to putting. Shut up, you b*stard

Shut up. I'm very close to putting him in

the oven, Andy, I have to tell you. Is a

parrot considered poultry?Is a

parrot. What?Is a parrot considered

poultry?No, it's not poultry.

Oh, so I can't cook it. Filthy whoreYou

hear that?He just called me a filthy wh*re

I am not a whoreI'm a married woman. God

damn it. Bold dykeOh, you hear

this?I don't. My son taught him this. My

son thinks he's a comedian, and he

teaches him these words and gives it to

mother to drive me crazy. Right.

Well, if you want to, I'll have a.

Shut the hell up. What did you say, Andy?

Could I bring a bunch of different tapes

in on Wednesday?Yeah. If you want to come

by Wednesday and pick them up, you can.

Because I can't live with this another

minute. You know, he's calling me a

filthy whoreI have to tell you, I'm a

very old woman. I haven't had sex in a

good many years. I wish I was a filthy

whoreYou shot it, bitchAll right, Auntie,

I will be in later on. My name is Helen.

You'll Remember me, right?Felchmonger.

Yes, ma'am. All right, darling. Thankyou.

Good evening, Alternative. Hi, I'm

calling about the ad and the paper at the

Alternative Counseling Center job.

Oh, could you give me your name and

cell phone number and someone to get back

to you?I'm the receptionist. This is

Bobby Fletcher. Hold on, honey. Say your

last name.

FLETCHERFL.

Wait a minute.

Are you retardedIt's.

Am I retardedI'm sorry. Did you say am I

retardedNo, no, no, noWhat

did you say?Telephone number?Yes. OK.

Mhm



now So what is this for the part time

council, right?Has it been filled yet?I

don't think so. Talk in the phone, you

slob. Pardon me. It hasn't been filled

yet. No, I don't think so.

I didn't hear nobody say that it was

Phil. OK, now this is a part-time,

part-time drug educator, too, for these

kids that are messed up on drugs. Right.

RightOK. So I talked to. Could you hold

one second?My roommate just came in the

room. Just one second. Sure. Do you get

the weed?OK, cool. We'll smoke a bowl in

a minute. OK. Hello. Yes. OK.

Sorry about that.

So what do you do?Basically, just answer

the phones. Yes. Yeah, cause it seems

like you're not that well educated. What

do you mean that I'm not that well

educated?No, no, I didn't mean it like

that. Excuse me. Miss, I didn't. Listen.

Oh no, you're not going to talk to me

like that because I will relate this

message to Linda and you will not be

coming in here. You will not be talking

to me. Have a nice day. Miss, I was. I

didn't mean it that way.

Good evening, alternative. Hi, Gloria,

it's Bobby Fletcher again. You didn't

even give me the phone number to call or

any information before you hung up.

Listen, you were very rude to me and

that's not nice. Miss, I wasn't rude.

Yes, you were. You burped in my ear. You

told me that I wasn't that smart. No, I

didn't say that. Listen, I was talking to

my roommate. He just came. He came in

with a nickel bag full of pot and he paid

$50.00 for it. He knows it's only $30.

That's why I was calling him stupid. I

wasn't talking to you, but would you?

Would you pay $50.00 for a nickel bag of

pot?I

wouldn't pay nothing for it cause I don't

do it. OK, I that's the thing that you're

doing. You don't need to be here. No.

Well, no, you just know, cause I gotta

relax. I'm gonna talk to these punks. I

need to be a little under the influence.

I'm just gonna smoke a joint real quick.

You won't get hired here, B. We don't

hire anybody that does. No, they're not

gonna even know. Believe me, I got

Visine. You know what I mean?You're

talking to me. You're talking to me.

You're talking to somebody that do know.

No, that's it. Hold on one second. That's

way too much pop. We can't sell all all

out to the kids. That's. Oh,

man. Oh, you.

Oh, you won't get in here because I see

Linda before you will. I understand,

Gloria. Just give me a second to talk to

you for a second. We sell pot to kids. I

can't help it. No, but this is what we

do. And then we get these counselor jobs

because these kids get hooked on pot.

That's how we make our money. We we make

money off them from the pot and then they

have to go to council. We make more

money. No. All right. That's what we do.

You talk to Gloria. You don't scare me.

HuhYou don't scare me. I'm not trying to

scare you, but I'm just saying. Yes, you

are trying too. You. But listen

at you. That is so bad. That is so

ridiculous. That is so sad. Gloria.

Gloria, you sound really pretty. That is

so rude. That is so rude.

Gloria, you love it. You know you do.

Please do not talk to me. Gloria, I'm

just trying to get this job.

Tony DeLoge believes in progress.

Candidate Tony DeLoge says yes to

neighborhoods. Tony DeLoge

endorses midgets as meat.

Vote Tony DeLoge.

Paid for with money.

God bless you. Yes, this is Tony DeLoge

and I'm trying. I'm running for district

selectman and I'm trying to secure your

family vote. Uh-huhMay I run by some of

our policies?OK. All right. What is your

biggest problem in the area?

Our son that lives next door. Oh,

could you explain that to me?He's he's

causing us problems trying to take

everything that we've got. But I mean, I

don't think you can do anything about

that. You're very wrong. Well, we the

first thing I would do, and let me run

this by you. We would surround him with

military personnel surround the house.

We would call him out. If he did not come

out, we would send in smoke bombs. When

he came out, we would immediately

handcuff him and take him down and start

questioning him. Why is he doing this to

his parents?How do you feel about that?

Well, we'll just have to wait and see if

it comes to that. Well, it smells like

it's coming to that. What is your first

name?I'm Virginia. May I call you Ginny?

Yes. All right. It smells, Ginny, like

it's coming to that. What is his name?The

son's name?His name is Johnny West the

Third. Johnny West the Turd. Yes. All

right. Let me tell you what we're going

to do to this young man. He's he's he's

not a favorite of mine. I've got people

in my family who did the same thing. And

I took my son up to a Cliff and pushed

him off. Up to a Cliff. Yes, ma'am.

And pushed him off. You got to be strict

with him. Well, let me just run by you

what he has done and what he's trying to

do. Go ahead. All right. He has come in

the house and taken. One bedroom full of

furniture and he he got all of the

CDs and and the deeds and

his father's name is on it. But we can't.

He won't give them back to us. When do

you want me to surround the house?Cause I

could sh**t tear gas in there and get

that little fart out there and beat the

crap out of him. Well, I have to let you

talk to his father about that. Please let

me talk to his father. I'm trying to

secure your boat. Hello. I'm candidate

Tony DeLoge and I'm running for district

selectman. I'm willing to beat the living

crap out of your kid. How do you feel

about that, Johnny?I feel fine about

that. All right, that's my platform. You

remember, DeLoge beats the crap out of

kids. Do I have your vote?Just a minute.

All right, I'll wait. I'm here. Jenny,

are you both on?Yes. All right, this is

candidate Tony DeLoge, and I'm running

for district selectman. And what I said

to you both, if I get your vote, I will

surround your neighbor's house, which is

your son. Tear gas, say pull them out.

Beat the crap out of them. Get the CDs

back. Get the the deeds back. Whatever

you want. All I need your vote. Well,

that you got it. All right, doll baby.

Thank you for talking to me. And God

bless the West. You too. All right. Bye.

Bye. Goodbye. Bye.

Hello, folk. This is Carl Malone merging

you to conserve water. Remember, if it's

brown, flush it down. But if it's yellow,

it's mellow.