04x06 - Andy Milonakis & Ryan Dunn

[bunniefuu]

Hello. Hi there. Hello.

HelloHell yeah.

The new edition Mr. Telephone Man

Somebody playin' on my line Run as fast

as you can And I bet the cap of my phone

from out to man 'Cause I hear pine dine

and laugh again Know who it is

Telephone gangsters, the pranksters Don't

click over the drank gangsters, love Who

is this?Who is this?I don't know, man

I'mma beat your a*s who playin' them

games for I know y'all makin' the name

that's racin' us all I'mma catch ya after

work 'cause I'm tracin' the cop And then

we star 69 and call outHow the

f*ck you gonna say you ain't all with me?

Crank yankers.

Hello. I'm Jim, I'm calling on behalf of

Wireless, through which you can get a

free cell phone for $100. Yay, I love

cell phones. Yay, I'm here to get a free

cell phone. Yay, that's great.

OK, Sir, with that, you're also getting

$100 worth package of. And I'm gonna get

$100, yay, a free cell phone and $100,

yay, that's great.

You'll be getting 5 calling features

free. I'm gonna get 5 calling features

free too, yay, yay, that's

great. And Sir, you're also getting

$30 of cash, which comes to you as a $30

cash. Yay, I'm gonna get $30 cash, yay,

yay, that's great. And sir, with that,

you're not paying anything over the

phone, you're not signing any contracts.

I'm not gonna pay anything over the

phone, yay, yay, that's

great! Okay, and

sir, you have the 30 days time span to

decide on that. I have 30 days to decide,

yay, yay, that's great!

And sir, if you'll end up not liking,

keeping it to you, you can in time get it

canceled and you won't. If I don't like

it, I can get it canceled, yay, yay,

that's great!Sir, would you like to

register yourself?I can register

myself. Yay! Yay! I can register

myself. That's great.

Sir, would you be interested?Yes, I'd be

interested. Yay! Yay! I'm gonna be

interested. Yay! That's great.

So why didn't you give me a few personal

details and I'll... I'll give you some

personal details. Yay! Yay! That's

great. I'm gonna give you personal

details. ohh

Sir, would you please spell your first

name?Yay! I'm gonna spell my first name!

Yay! Yay! That's great! Yay!

Sir, would you be interested in getting a

free cell phone?Yay! A free cell phone!

Yay! Yay! I want a free cell phone! Yay!

That's great!Just told him, Sir, I'll get

back to you in a second. You're gonna get

back to me in a second. Yay,

yay. Hey Mr.

Haggalots, I have a bone to pick with

you. Now go get your picking spoon and

let's go a bone

picking.

Hi, Mrs. Ralph Stone. Thanks for taking

me to the dog concert last night.

I can't believe those dogs were dressed

up as kiss and they. I think you've got

the wrong number. I think I don't because

the dog concert was amazing. The

dog concert?Yes. Who is

this?This is the guy you took.

My name is Andy. The dogs were dressed up

as Kiss, and they sang all those good

Kiss songs. You know the ones. I don't

know who the heck you are. Do you know

about this?I love you 'cause you

took me to a great concert last night. I

didn't take you to a concert, so goodbye.

Thank you for callingfamily, this is

Amanda. How can I help you?Hey, Mrs. Eat

Up. Thanks for the barracuda eating

lessons. They is so yummy! Yum,

yum, yum, barracuda eating. Yum,

yum, yum, barracuda eating. I know how to

do it 'cause of you. I love you, girl.

Yay!

Hello. Hi there. What's your name?

This is Lucy. Hi, Lucy. My name is

Terrence Catheter, and I'm calling

because my boss,

Paris Hilton, is coming to town and she

thought it might be fun to go to church.

Well, that's great. How does it work with

the celebrities?Is there a VIP area?

You know, this is a Catholic Church

you're calling. Yes, exactly. That's what

she was thinking. She's heard about it,

and she just thinks it would be fun to

see what it's all about and what goes on

there. And when you go to church, you

know, it's not a fun thing to do. Parish

thinks church is so hot right now that

she wants to be a part of it. So

what sorts of outfits do people wear to

church?What sorts of purses do they bring?

Et cetera, et cetera. Well, you have to

dress appropriately when you go to

church. And appropriate means you cannot

come in with short shorts or wear like

a backless or no short shorts,

strapless clothes. And you know, it's not

like going to the beach or going to a

party. I've got an idea. Should she dress

like a nun or something?No, not like a

nun. Let me ask another couple questions.

And forgive me because I've never been to

church. I don't know how it goes. There's

a wine tasting. No.

Could she be baptized or hypnotized or

something like that?What do you call that?

What they do to let you get in?You know

what?If she wants to go to church, all

she does is walk into church. OK, she

just needs to show up. And it's welcome

to for her to come to church. And there's

an area where the paparazzi could plug in

and everything. The church is a

serious thing. So if she wants to go

to church seriously. Because she

means it, then that's fine. But it's

not a place where you go to take your

pictures and all that. She'd love to get

a picture with Jesus. Is that possible?I

I don't know what this lady does or what

she's all about, but I suggest if she

really is serious about going to church,

it's not like it's well, I

understand what you're saying in a

certain way, but it's not a place for.

I understand. It's not a frivolous. It's

not to be. It's not a frivolous place.

And believe me, I understand because

Paris, she runs here and there. She gets

involved in this and that. She was

involved with Kabbalah for a while and

she had to drop out when she found out it

was Jewish. Well, you know what?

I suggest that she takes a serious

look at whatever she's going to do.

OK. Thanks. I appreciate this so

much. Thank you so much.

Is this the tattoo parlor?

Sure is. Hi, my name is Wayne Mcclammy.

Do you have a second for me?Just got a

quick question for you. You guys do

very professional high-end work. We

sure do because I got I got one hell of a

job that I want you to do for me. What do

you want to get done?Yeah, I want a

beautiful bald eagle soaring high over a

mountain range with the American flag

hanging right out of its mouth and a

machine g*n clutched tightly in its

talons. Now the

machine g*n is sh**ting at Osama bin

Laden. OK, on

one side is heaven with beautiful

virginal angels lying around and and on

the other side is Hellfire with demons

and goblins. OK, you

got that?Yeah. Then come down the the

four horsemen of the apocalypse. But

they're but they're heading right into a

trap. The Tasmanian devil

wearing a Confederate army uniform

is is waiting there. Hold on a second

with a Scud m*ssile in one hand.

And Dallas Mavericks center Dirk

Nowitzki's head, severed head in the

other. Now

the whole mural is surrounded

by by roses and skulls. And behind it

all, the World Trade Center is rising

from the ashes with Calvin and Hobbes

standing on the top, dancing with a

Grateful Dead bear. Where's this going at?

Well, my my back. OK, yeah, it'd be a

full back. I'm a very tall man, so

there's a. You got a big canvas to work

with. OK. Would you read that back to me,

please?Actually, what we need

to do, we need to have you come in and

Sir, I don't, I don't mean to to make a

fuss here, but I I am in the middle

of Cannonball Run 2 right now and I was

hoping that you would write this

information down. OK, well, we don't. We

don't do that. We have to have like have

you like come in and fill out paperwork

and everything like that. As you can

imagine, there is a lot of money at stake

here. A lot of money.

sh**t, is this for real?I would not blow

zone John up your. I I really do hope

that we can do business together. We

don't do anything over the phone. If you

want to come in and talk to us and you're

serious about this, then you come in and

talk to us face to face. The the very

first question I asked you when we first

started this conversation was, are you a

professional?You answered

affirmative. Roger, yes, we are

professional and you are offending me.

OK, well, come in and talk to us and you

know, we'll get you all set up. I could

feel your stink eye piercing my mind from

over the phone. And it is unacceptable.

OK, well, sorry we couldn't help you out

then, man. Do you know that my twin

brother was consumed whole by a

rattlesnake?Your brother?Your twin

brother was consumed by what?A

rattlesnake right outside of Lubbock, TX.

A rattlesnake pooped him out about three

days later. Oh, he was fine, but it was

very traumatic. That's the craziest story

I've ever heard. Well, it's it's

completely true. I believe you. And I

have tangled with a black bear and lived

to tell about it. So I want to go over

this list one more time with you. I

can't, man. Damn it. I was born in a

trunk. I smoke 7 cartons of cigarettes a

day. My couch has cancer. All right, man,

I got to let you go. All right. Pay me

some respect. Oh, I I do. So, all right,

I'll talk to you later, man. All right.

All rightI'm going to Pilates.

Thank you for calling. This is Armando.

May I help you?Hello. Hello

Yes, I'm going to come in with my family

and I'm from Estrades in Mexico.

From where?Estrades.

Estrades is near Guadalajara. Uh,

yes. So it's a big family in. I want to

impress them with what you have there. So

I need to. How many?11.

No, noFor today?No, six. For

tomorrow. Can you hold for a minute,

please?No. Si, pero mina. I want

to speak to you now, not later.

I know, but at what time do you want the

reservation?I want to talk right now.

Well, tell me what time. Can we talk

right now?At what time do you want

your reservation?OK, that's what I'm

trying to tell you. Yes, that's what I

want to know. OK. There are six of us.

No, at what time?Yes, because there are

six. Please. Six people. But at what time?

A kia ora. Tomorrow. Manana. Tomorrow.

Manana. But at what time?Tomorrow.

Manana. Not today. Tomorrow.

At what time?A kia ora, manana. Six

people, please. What?Six people from my

hometown. They're from my family. Six,

sis, sis, 66, not 5, not



but six. But at what time?

Tomorrow. Huh

Tomorrow

Six people.

Hello. HelloCustomer

service. How may I help you?Yes, sir.

I was calling... I had ordered a

package... How would I have made it?

What is your tracking number?My tracking

number?Yes, sir. Are you ready?Hey, let

me get in the computer here. All right.

Well, go ahead. Okay, sir. Um,

is there anyone else there that I can

speak with that might -- I don't -- I'm

not understanding you.

I hear you. I need to listen to

you. That's what I'm here for. Okay. All

right, sir. Thank you. Uh, my tracking

number is -- it starts with a letter.

Is that okay?What do you mean, is it

okay?That's the way our

system works. Right. But don't

don't don't do that. Don't be a bird

brain. I'm working overtime tonight.

Excuse me, sir?I said I'm

working overtime. Right. But I,

uh-- did you make a reference to me?You--

You-- You people call complain all

the time. You-- I'm not calling to

complain, sir. I just would like to--

You-- Calm your a*s down.

I'm sorry, sir?You calm your a*s down.

I've been working here all day. Sir, do

you work for assNo, Cole, would you

give me your tracking number, you

birdbrain. I mean, I'd track you. Sir, I

don't... Call to my

supervisor. Sir, if you can... Yes, I

would like to speak with someone else.

Immediately. Hold on, you... you

dang varmint.

Got my family this with you. Excuse me?I

said it's Willie, can I help you?Yes sir,

um, yes sir, thank you. I was about to

give my tracking number. I just got up

from talking to Jim Bob, he said you were

giving him a hard time. No sir, I'm not

trying to give anybody a hard time, I'm

just trying to get our package. My

friend's birthday is tomorrow. We ordered

the package and plenty of time to receive

it. What'd you send?It's a personalized

item... Let me ask you to syndicate the

correct zip code on there. you

specificate the correct zip code?

Yes, sir. I just want to make sure I'm

accident y'all put the right zip code on

there because all you people all call up

complaining and y'all forget to put the

right zip code on there. It ain't our

fault if y'all put the the wrong zip code

on there. This is ridiculous. What the

hell are you talking about?You job

turkey. I come down there. I stick a

chicken fried drumstick up your mama

booty. Sir, I'd like to see you try that.

You be in a job turkey. Come on. Don't

Don't Hold on a minute. Yo, Bubba,

I got this job turkey on the phone giving

us a hard time. I'm sick and tired of

dealing with these idiots. What should I

tell them?You want to talk to this job

turkey, Bubba?All

right. Sir, maybe I should just call back

during different... Do you work just a

night shift or something?Yeah, of course.

I work the night shift. I got to listen

to you people calling up... I'll call

back. You working my own thing. This is

ridiculous. I've never experienced

anything in my life. Yeah, you a job

turkey about to go...

This is Dina. How may I help you?Hi,

Dina, this is Randall. I was calling

about chinchillas for my darling little

Angel. Uh-huhDo you carry them?

Yes, I have two right now. How big?About

the size of a doll. A Barbie doll.

I mean, they're fatter than a Barbie

doll. Yeah. YeahLengthwise. Yeah.

How old is she?How old is the Barbie doll?

No, your daughter. Oh, oh, she's 5.

OK, now they do need a lot of attention

and there's a couple of things that are

real important with them. They they

stress out real easily. Her problem is

she says her Barbie doll gets colder in

the winter. She needs something to keep

the Barbie doll warm. Does the skin on

the animals, do they shrink or get

hardened formaldehyde or anything like

that?No. But see, like they can't get

wet because that burns their skin. Can

you can you dye the fur?Like, can I make

it like pink or like or like a Canary

yellow?No, because you can't put

any liquid on them at all. Right.

And how hard is it to get like buttons on

them or anything like that?You you know

this is animal, right?Yeah. Well, here's

the deal. She's been dying to get a a

winter coat for a Barbie doll. And what

we're trying to do is, you know, have a

pet for a few months then and then we

won't sell it to you then. So what?If

you're going to k*ll it for a coat?Well,

I'm not going to k*ll. You know, it'll be

done in a humane thing. It'll be a

ceremony and everything, and then we can

put buttons on it and stuff. We won't

sell it to you, Sir. You know what?I

don't even have a daughter. But forget I

said any of that. You know, let's just go

start over. I just want the

prettiest chinchilla or anything you

have, and maybe a small snake. We don't

carry snakes. What if I made the death

look like an accident?Would you be able

to sell it to me then?Hold on one second.

This is member management. Can I help you?

I just need to buy a chinchilla from my

pet farm. Well, we sell

chinchillas and right

now that I know of, we only have one and

that one's in the. The sick Bay right

now. Your customer brought it back and

we're watching it for him. Oh, well, if

he's in the sick Bay, that's perfect

because he's already half his way there

to be in a coat. Well, that's that's the

customers, though. We're just watching

over. Well, if he gets worse, can you

give me a call?Because I don't want to

hurt anything. I'm a gentle man. But my

daughter's not gentle. You sound like

you're real sincere and warm hearted.

Yeah, and I appreciate that. But anyway,

that's that's all I can do for you.

Yeah, it's just I just want a little

Angel coat for an Angel Barbie. You know

what I mean?Alrighty. Well, let me know

if that one goes down and I'll call them

all in there and and and snatch that one

up and I'll pay top dollar. Don't matter

to me. Alrighty. Appreciate it. I

appreciate it too. Take care now. You

too. Bye. Bye.