04x07 - Adam Carolla & Dane Cook

[bunniefuu]

Hello. Hi there. Hi. Who's this?Hello.

Hey. Who's this?Hello. Hello

Hell yeah. Hey, how you doing there, boy?

Hello. The new edition, Mr.

Telephone Man Somebody playing on my line

Run as fast as you can And I've been the

cop in my phone from out to man 'Cause I

hand pinedine and laugh again Know

who it is Telephone gangsters, do

pranksers Don't click over the drank

yankers, love Who is this?Who is this?I

don't know, man, I'mma beat your a*s I'm

playing them games for I know y'all

making the names, disgracing us all But

I'mma catch you after work 'cause I'm

tracing the cops And then we star 69 and

call out

Hey, is this the Renaissance there or the

Medieval Times thing?Yep. Hey, do y'all

have a manager?This is Taylor from The

Real World. Okay.

How you doing?Good. It's totally me.

OK, hold on. Can I help you?

Hey, who am I speaking to?This is Clark.

Hey, Clark. Hey, listen, I don't want to

freak you out. This is Taylor from the

real world. OK. Nice to

meet you over the phone, man. Listen,

what I'm doing is I'm preparing for the

real world Rd. Rules Challenge. You

familiar with that?Yes, I am. We got a

competition coming up called the Gallows,

and the whole thing is medieval themed.

I'm looking to get a leg up on the

competition. I already aced the real

world. I'm looking to ace this challenge.

Which season were you on?I was in the

Milwaukee season, man. And it was

awesome. Milwaukee. Yeah. When was that?

It was like two years ago, bro. Don't you

watch TV?Yeah, I just didn't remember

that one. I'm shocked, man. I was all

over the place. So what I'm looking to do

is get some training. You know what I

mean?Like basic night training, the

jousting, the rings, the. The sword

fighting, the mace swinging, the the the

winch ravaging, the the grog drinking. I

know you guys got the the skill set there

and I'm looking to acquire it. OK,

so so what you're looking for is you want

to come here and you want to learn all

that sh*t right?That's what I'm hoping to

do. Wow, I didn't realize you call it sh*t

Bro, I would think it's like the

knowledge, the knowledge. But yeah, I'm

looking to. I'm looking to learn the

skills. I mean, I'm, I'm stepping up to

the challenge. Puck's going to be there.

Jed's going to be there. I'm going to

kick their assesAnd to do this, I have to

speak to the owner. You tell him if he's

got any daughters or kids that it's

Taylor from the real world, man. And they

will bend over backwards. I've had tons

of women do it. Oh, have you?I'm telling

you, dude, the promotional tie in for

your company, it's like, I'm not just a

pretty face. I'm not just a brilliant

mind. I've got abs of steel. You're just

a Greek God, man, huhI'm not Greek from

Southern California. You're built like

one, huhYeah, I am, actually. Like,

sculpted out of, you know, I've seen some

of those statues in the famous museums.

OK. Well, do you have like a number I can

reach you at, like, first thing in the

morning or what do you want to do?Yeah.

Could I get it going in the morning?I

could try to. I mean, I got to speak to

the owner and everything. That sounds

awesome, man. Let me put you on with one

of my assistants and I'll give you my

number. Hi. How you doing?All

right. Can I get the phone number from

you?Yeah, ours number is 26241.

I'm going to go in the other room for a

second here for a second. Oh my God, this

guy is driving me out of my mind. This is

the nightmare job of a lifetime. I

hear you. He hasn't paid me in eight

months. Ask him about the wenches

He wants to know about the wenchesOh,

there's plenty of hot wenchesThere's

plenty of hot wenches he says.

Sweet. And they'll bend over backward for

Taylor from the real world any day. He

says that they'll know you from the real

world. And they will bend over backwards.

They'll bend over backwards. That's my

line. Tell that guy not to steal my OK,

nobody ever really knows who he is. So

if you could just be, you know, get

everybody to be like, hey, everybody,

it's him. Oh my God, he's here. And just

like, bring a camera. Actually, you know

what?You guys, you guys wrap this up.

Hey, what's up, bro?We square. Yeah,

everything's cool. All right, dude, I'm

going to set you up on my blog, get you

some Myspace advert. All right. And then

I'm going to kick Puck's a*s and bounce

his face off my stomach. I hear you,

babe. All right, man. Hey, I got to roll.

You'll see me coming. I glow like a

shining star. All right, take it easy.

Peace, homie.

Hello. HelloIs this Karen?Yes, it is.

Hi there. My name is Terrence Catheter. I

work for Star Jones. Hi, how are you?I'm

doing well. How are you?I'm good.

Star's looking for a chef to

tour with her around the world for her

Starry Night tour. And I just want to ask

you a couple of questions. Sure. Can you

make creamy foods?Yes, of course. Because

Star's stomach is so unbelievably stabled

up into practically enough that she

needs. Soft foods to go down to slide

down her throat and and whatnot, right?

OK, now Star does not eat 3 meals a day.

She eats 14 to 15 meals a day. But

they're very small meals. They're ice

cube sized meals, right?We would have

some rules, of course. For instance, if

you're looking out the window of the

plane and you said, oh, the view is

wonderful. That would not be good because

Star was recently let go from the show

The View, so she does not like to hear

the words the viewer. She becomes very

angry and starts pulling and yanking and

stuff. Star eats around the

clock, so you would have to be available

from morning until night or whomever you

chose for this particular job. Tell me

about you and your company. Well, what I

do is I'm a personal chef and yes, she

really is wonderful. She's a wonderful

woman. Sometimes she does get angry,

sometimes she screams. And yells and

pulls hair and claws at me and whatnot.

But who isn't?Who doesn't have their

days, you knowExactly. So what we would

need is somebody with a lot of spunk

with a lot of moxie, right?

Absolutely. Is she working with a

nutritionist now?Or she is working

with a whole team of doctors who don't do

so much nutrition, but rather they're

physically, genetically altering it until

we're hoping that she can reach the point

where she does not need to eat at all,

that she can subsist on her own by. Body

fat. Right. Right

RightOK. So this sounds wonderful. Now,

one thing, when we do meet Pong, tell

Starr that you're a big fan. Oh,

absolutely. Maybe say something nasty

about Barbara Walters. You know,

whatever. Believe me, she would eat that

up. Let's play a little game, because I

don't want to be in a position where I

bring you to Starr and then it doesn't

work out. So, for instance, let's pretend

that I'm Starr and I say, well, hello

there, Karen. How are you?I'm good. How

are you doing?I'm such a big fan. Thank

you. What show did you like watching me

on?Well, see, that's the thing. I don't

watch TV. I'll be honest with you. No,

no, no, no, that's not. She'll go crazy

if you do that. Yeah. I mean, she will

pull your hair and she'll start punching.

So I know. Well, of course I would never

tell that I. See, that's why we're

rehearsing this, 'cause we got to get

this down. Right. RightExactly. So what

is it you like most about me?Well, I

think you're beautiful. You're a great

person and fun person. And keep calling

her girlfriend. She loves that

girlfriend. That's perfect. I think

you're going to be great for this. I

don't know. I mean, you know, like, would

you feed her with your hands?Would you be

willing to feed her with your hands?I

mean, if that's what it takes. I mean,

you know, I don't. I love this. I think

this is going to be a great match. I

really do. I think she's going to be

insistent upon having you. I would love

to get together with you and make an

appointment with you. OK. Thank you so

much, Karen. Thank you. Happy Star Day.

Bye-bye.

Hello. Hello, my name is. I'm calling on

behalf of University. Was this a good

time for you?This is fine. Let me get

started by asking you a couple of

questions. Are you currently working?

Yeah. No, I'm not. Okay, where are you

working at?Uh, real estate. I'm fixing

cars. And are you

inquiring for yourself or your company?

Uh, for myself. For my company. Is that,

is there somebody else on the line?I

don't know. I thought that was on your

phone. No, 'cause I only have one line.

Let me Let me call you right back from

this number, 'cause that's really weird.

I mean, I'd rather just get this done

now, I mean, maybe it's just some kind of

interference from another phone-- You

should probably call back. What is that?

Whatever it is, like, it just seems like

somebody's listening because they're

contradicting what I'm saying. Yeah, I

know, that's why I was like, I have a

manager listening right now. He can't

figure it out either. Ohh All right,

let's hope we get through this. Are you

familiar with the university at all?Yeah,

a little bit. Not at all. Okay. But

that almost sounded like your voice. No,

it's definitely not my voice. I

have a manager actually listening right

now. Was it him?No, that's not him. OK.

Here, my manager wants to speak to you.

Sir. Yeah. Hi. I'm the enrollment manager

here. Obviously the lines are crossing or

something's happening. It could be with

our system since you only have one line

at your home. What we can do is we'll go

ahead and get some information sent out

to you. Did you want to go ahead and put

that on the, like on the payment plan

through your credit card?Yeah. No, thank

you. Who just said no, thank you. That

was whoever's on this line also.

And then I could start at the beginning

of the month?Yeah, March 1st would be the

beginning. What about April 1st?

Whoever's on this line, I suggest you do

terminate now. You sound like a .

What?So I'm gonna go ahead and send this

information to you. Please give us a call

later on, and we'll be happy to go ahead

and clear that up for you. Your doom

awaits you. That's just weird.

Somebody must be over there listening to

our conversation and putting comments,

words in my mouth that I'm not saying.

Yes, you are. I can guarantee you that's

nobody here in our office that's doing

that. Are you having problems with any

other calls?I mean, this is just. No,

this is the first time I've been in this

company over a year and a half and not

heard anything like this, Sir. So

I'm going to go ahead and terminate the

call. We'll get the information sent out

to you and then we'll get you into that

class. No, you won't. But

that wasn't me. Yeah. And I can tell the

difference between this idiot's voice and

your voice. I'm a nice guy. It's not

going to happen. Pretty scary. I do. I

agree with you. Whatever this afternoon,

we'll give you a call. I'll still be

here. My suggestion is maybe you want to

go ahead and contact the phone company

also. Can't you just check at your office

there to see if someone else is picking

up the phone?I'm sitting here in the

middle of my office, Sir, and there is

nobody that is picking up the phone. Are

you naked?The person that's doing this,

why don't we ask where it's coming from?

Because they would know. Obviously this

person's not too bright if they got to

sit here and do this. If If the person

would like to speak up and tell us who

they are, you know, that's fine.

Now he's not saying anything. Right.

Hello, are you still there?Can we finish

up now?Maybe he's gone?Yeah.

You're both Ret*rded

He's back. Yeah, go ahead and state your

name if you have the nerve to do that.

Yeah, state your name.

He won't do that. I don't know if you

want to say something to him before we

hang up. No, what he's doing is a federal

offense and and it will be investigated.

This guy's not too bright that he has to

listen to conversations and do it that

way. And you know, I want you to grow up.

That's all I can say.

Hello. Hi. Who am I speaking with today?

Uh, Connie. Connie, how would you like to

play America's hottest new game show?It's

called The Phone Zone. The Phone Zone?

The Phone Zone. You can win cash

right over the phone, right from your

living room or bed or or bathtub,

wherever you are right now. I'm Sav

McCauley. I'm the host. And you are about

to enter the phone zone.

Let's start with the question #1. All

right, finish this with your touch tone

keypad. It's somebody from a game show

thing. It's the phone zone. Are you ready

to play?Come on, cash. You can win a lot

of cash right now. Are you excited?Let me

hear you say. All right, question

#1 using your touch tone keypad. Get

ready. Finish this expression. Feets

don't fail me. When #1 today, #2

tomorrow, #3 yesterday, #9 now.

Press it longer. Yes, that

is correct. You've got it.

All right, let's move on. Let's go on to

the next question. Are you ready?OK,

when is the last time you sashayed into a

room?I have no idea.

No, I'm sorry. We can't accept that. Next

question. Do you know karate?Do you

know karate?No. No

The phone zone continues. OK,

next question. You got to really think

about this one. Is it OK for a man to cry

if his baby is stolen by people?

OK, yeah, that is correct. Most people

don't get that one. But you did. You did.

Woo. Next one for the for the

cash, for the big bucket. We call it the

bucket. Oh, cash here. The next question.

Name this impression. Very famous

impression from a film. Ready. Name an

impression. OK, here we go. I don't care

if he wants to play the flute because I

don't even like the flute. Oh, my God. Do

you need one other line?If I give you the

other line, you lose 27 points. Oh.

But you could still gain points later on

by getting the question. OK, here's

another line. Man, I was in that bathroom

for 47 minutes and all I could do was

stink, stink, stink.

You know this. You know this. OK, let's

move on. We'll come back to that. Let

that one go around your head. Cough up,

cough up. Do what you got to do. Next

one. What is this sound?

Sounds like you're jiggling something.

OK, you must be more specific. Nice.

Popcorn. It is a skull with half a brain

in it. Oh, OK. Who is taller, Laverne or

Shirley?Laverne. Again, I'm sorry, you

just lost 387 points.

OK. Does the average woman in America

apply deodorant underneath her breasts?

No. Oh, correct. Correct.

You got that correct on the phone zone.

All right, for this next one, ask me a

question. OK,

what's the tax of name host on the

Hollywood Squares?Tom Bergeron. OK,

hold on. We have to do the the sucking of

money out of your account.

We just sucked all the money out of your

account. You are down to 0.

Here's one final question. And with this

question, you could win it all back.

Cash, Are you ready?OK,

right now. Rap.

Rap. You must rap for us. I'll give you a

beat.

I do not rap. I don't know

what to say. That's a rap for you. I

can't accept that. I can't accept that. I

cannot accept that. You have. You have

disgraced yourself on the American game,

the hottest game, the Phone Zone. We're

out of here. Thanks for playing.

Good afternoon. Investigation. How may I

help you?Hi, name's Burcham. What's your

name?Brenda. Brenda got a

missing person situation. And what is

your first name?First name?Richard.

Friends call me DickOK, Mr. Burcham.

You're calling regarding a missing person?

Yeah, I had my wife split on me. So

you trying to find your wife?She took

off. You know how it gets. You a married

woman?Yeah, I'm married.

Problem is, I'm trained.

Ex Green Beret, Special Forces,

Navy SEAL. There's a switch.

You come at me with a skillet. I got one

speed. Lightning. Oh, you was

defending yourself. I tried to solve it

with words, but eventually the only word

that could solve it was one called key

high. You know, we had to throw down.

Oh, you know, big rigged tractor trailers

coming at you, holding a flat skillet.

You got two choices. Time for talking's

over. She's all right, though. She

wasn't hurt. No, it's like

hitting a water bison with a wiffle bat.

Not going to hurt him. Quick punch to the

solar plexus just to stop the momentum.

Then I gave her the eagle claw. So she

packed up the Malibu. She's probably just

drying out at some bar nearby. I just

want to get a handle on her. You big gal?

Nah. What are you coming in at?Oh, I

don't like to give out my weight. I hear

you. Plumper. Wait a minute, baby.

Just 'cause I don't give out my weight,

that don't mean I'm plump. I got you at

least a deuce and a half.





Nah. 250's my wife's right side, by the

way, so you got nothing to hang your head

about. Oh, OK. Not that it would hang

with all them chins, but you know what

I'm talking about. All right, Riches, you

going to give me your number so Mr.

Winner can call you back?Phone number.

Cell phone 503. Now, is your husband

mind the wait?Because I got to tell you,

that's part of the problem. I complained

about it one too many times, and that's

when she gave me the business end of the

skillet. All you got to do is learn how

to love. That's all it takes. It's all

about loving and living. Married you,

sister. Double down on the Yeah.

Give me this phone number 503.

So I'm sorry,



saying talking. That's the best way to

go. It works every time. And what about

the 11 Richard?

Give me the last few numbers. Richard



I don't go downstairs anymore.





Someone took a leak in.

Hello?Is this Robert George Jr.?

No. You're about to play the Phone Zone!

I'm Sav McCauley, and I'm the host of

America's hottest new phone game show.

Are you ready?Do you have your chaps on?

Are you ready to play for hard, hot, wet

cash, sir?Oh, off. Yee-haw!