04x05 - Never Bean on the Map/Harold & Raj

[bunniefuu]

Attention, campers.

Attention, campers.

It's time for camp lazlo.

♪ There were two scouts who

Made a friend ♪

♪ And lazlo was his name-o ♪

♪ L-a-z-l-o ♪

♪ L ♪

♪ A ♪

♪ Z-l-o ♪

♪ L-a-z-l-o ♪

♪ And lazlo was his name-o ♪

♪ And then that trio went to

Camp ♪

♪ And turned it upside down-o ♪

♪ L-a-z-l-o ♪

Chip: l-a-z-l-o.

♪ L-a-z-l-o ♪

♪ And lazlo was his name-o ♪

♪ Yo-de-lay-ee ♪

Lumpus: [ snoring ]

[ Alarm ringing ]

Ugh!

Aah!

Slinkman: good mor--

Aah!

[ Crash! ]

[ Door opens ]

Sir, there are a few things to

Go over.

Lumpus: [ groans ]

Slinkman: you're supposed to

Be handing out the cleanest

Cabin award today.

Lumpus: ohh!

That sounds awful.

Who won?

Slinkman: uh, jelly cabin.

Lumpus: ohh, they are the

Worst!

Slinkman: they're right here,

Sir.

Lumpus: why, of course they

Are.

[ Chuckles nervously ]

Let's get this done.

What did they win?

Slinkman: [ blows ]

A steak dinner at

Beef lumberjacks.

Lumpus: beef lumberjacks?

[ Smacking lips ]

Raj: scoutmaster lumpus sure

Likes meat.

Lumpus: I don't like meat.

Ilove meat!

Eh, but you're too young to

Understand.

All: teach us!

Lumpus: the very thought of

Meat activates my salivary

Enzymes and fires up the old

Stomach acids.

I can actually feel the meaty

Goodness spreading through my

Body.

Meat completes me.

All: [ snoring ]

Lumpus: [ growls ]

Your kids look bored.

Lumpus: they aren't mine.

Well, whoever they are, maybe

They'd like some activity place

Mats.

Lazlo: place mats!

There you go.

Lazlo: place mats!

A world of imagin--

Raj: but the only activity on

Here is helping the lumberjack

Find his beef.

Knock yourselves out.

Lumpus: when do we get our

Beef?

Lazlo: ooh!

Hey, guess what's on the other

Side.

It's a map of leakey lake.

All: cool!

Lazlo: look, that's where we

Are right now.

There's beef lumberjacks, and

There's the bait shop and the

Manure store and acorn flats and

Mt. Blackhead, and there's --

Clam: no camp kidney.

Lazlo: oh, waiter?

Everything okay?

Lazlo: um, you forgot to put

Camp kidney on the map.

Camp who?

Lazlo: kidney.

Whose kidney?

Lazlo: camp kidney.

Well, uh, I don't

Recollect --

Raj: camp kidney -- it should

Be right there, under "meat me

At beef lumberjacks."

Speaking of meat, here's your

Junior beef wagons, and for the

Gentleman, our famous

Beef-blanket sirloin.

Bon app\-meat.

Lumpus: mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.

Mmm.

[ Burping ]

Check, please.

[ Cow mooing ]

Lazlo: come on, guys.

Think.

There's got to be a way to get

Camp kidney on that map.

Raj: but, lazlo, we are so

Tired.

My pillow is attracting my head

As we speak.

Lazlo: yucca! That's it!

Camp kidney needs an attraction.

Both: [ snoring ]

Lazlo: sleep tight, little

Ones, for tomorrow we put

Camp kidney on the map.

[ Hammering ]

There.

Raj: "come visit mystery

Cabin!"

Lazlo: now weary road

Travelers will stop, and pretty

Soon, everyone will know the

Name camp kidney.

Then beef lumberjacks will have

To put us on the map.

Raj: lazlo, you're a genius!

But I am afraid I don't know

What this mystery cabin is.

Lazlo: [ laughs ]

Neither do i.

Clam: genius.

[ Tires screeching ]

Mystery cabin, huh?

Wonder what that's all about.

Well, I have some time before my

Big sales meeting at the bait

Shop.

Might as well take a look.

[ Car door opens, closes ]

"Only 5 more feet!!"

Wow, this is gonna be amazing.

Lazlo: look alive, fellas.

We've attracted somebody.

Hello?

Uh, hello.

Is anyone here?

Huh? Who's there?

[ Teeth chattering ]

Hello?

Clam: shh.

[ Wheels squeaking ]

Lazlo: welcome.

Aah!

Clam: shh.

Lazlo: please cast your

Attention to the totem pole of

Mystery.

Uh, where is it?

Lazlo: over there.

Okay, now what?

Lazlo: close your eyes.

Okay.

Lazlo: now, raj.

[ Crash! ]

Raj: [ grunting ]

Lazlo: you may now open your

Eyes.

Raj: [ gasps ]

But it was just here.

Lazlo: wait.

Will you tell the people at

Beef lumberjacks about us?

Kid, let me tell you

Something.

I sell bait display stands and

Bait-display-stand polish.

Last year, I sold more than

Anyone in 21 districts.

And you...just...wasted...my...

Time!

[ Hammering ]

Lazlo: this floss maze will

Put camp kidney on the map for

Sure.

[ Grunting ]

This floss is used!

This is disgusting!

It smells like garbage!

Get us out of here!

[ Hammering ]

Lazlo: [ chuckles ]

Third time's the charm.

There it is, sir, the deepest

Hole in the world.

Please be careful when

Approaching the edge.

If you fall in, we can't save

You.

Raj: well, we just put up the

Sign.

[ Rumbling ]

Uh-oh.

Aah!

Powerful geyser!

That's the best attraction ever!

Lazlo: really?

Can I help you?

Lazlo: that's the

World-famous camp kidney geyser.

Every day, it pumps thousands of

Gallons of precious water

Straight up into the air.

Huh?

That's amazing!

Now, can I help you?

Raj: we want camp kidney on

Your map.

Oh, right.

You're those fellers asking

About the place-mat map.

Well, boys, all those places on

The map have one very special

Thing in common.

Lazlo: what's that?

Money!

[ Laughs ]

It costs money to be on the map.

[ Laughs ]

It's called "advertising."

Lazlo: but I don't think

We -- no, we don't have any

Money for advertising.

Isn't there another way?

No, there isn't any oth--

Ooh!

Wait a minute.

The meat b*mb.

All: what's that?

You see, children...

Out in our california steak

Orchard, we water our beef with

Growth hormones.

Every year, we pick the biggest

Steak and call it the meat b*mb.

Raj: that's where meat comes

From?

Sure.

And if you finish the meat b*mb,

We'll put your camp on our place

Mat.

Lazlo: but who do we know who

Can eat that much meat?

Scoutmaster lumpus!

Scoutmaster lumpus!

We need your help!

Lumpus: yeah?

What's in it for me?

Raj: meat?

Lumpus: meat!

[ Moaning ]

I've waited my whole life to

See someone eat the meat b*mb.

Yep, I wish I could eat that

Much so I could getmy name on

The map.

Both: [ laughing excitedly ]

Lazlo: thanks again for

Helping us out,

Scoutmaster lumpus.

Lumpus: meat!

Here you go!

One meat b*mb coming...up.

Enjoy.

Lazlo: are you sure you can

Eat all that,

Scoutmaster lumpus?

Lumpus: huh! Piece of meat.

[ Munching ]

Delicious!

Hey, what happened?

Lazlo: it must be the growth

Hormones.

Lumpus: growth hormones?

[ Groans ]

Yep, I better get crackin'.

[ Ticking ]

Raj: I don't think

Scoutmaster lumpus can eat any

More.

Lazlo: oh, no, and he only

Has five more bites.

Does it matterhow he eats it?

No, I guess not.

Lazlo: you're up, clam.

Lumpus: huh?

What are you -- ugh!

Unh!

Wait, clam, I'm not done yet.

Lazlo: only one more bite,

Clam.

Lumpus: wait, lazlo.

If I eat one more bite, I'm

Going to explode!

He explodes, contest is over.

Lazlo: hmm.

That should hold.

Lumpus: ew!

What is that stench?

Lazlo: used dental floss.

Ugh!

Lazlo: one more piece.

You can do it.

Do you need my help?

Hold still.

Lumpus: [ groaning ]

[ Rumbling ]

[ expl*si*n ]

Lazlo: the floss held!

[ Cheering ]

Lumpus: [ groaning ]

You just put your camp on the

Map.

Hey, edna, would you look at

This?

They finally put camp kidney on

The place-mat map.

That's perfect.

Just what we've been waiting

For.

Now our life has purpose

Beyond the early-bird special.

Lazlo: see that, boys?

Not only did we put camp kidney

On the map, we also brought

Joy to others' lives.

Clam: me joy.

Lazlo: job well done.

Raj: we should be proud.

Clam: made ma proud.

Darling, do you smell used

Dental floss?

I'm about to be ill.

Here, aim at the map.

[ Vomits ]

, Would you look at

This?

That's perfect.

Just what we've been waiting

For.

Now our life has purpose

Beyond the early-bird special.

Waiter, how many of the

Place-mat maps do you have?

I don't know.

A few hundred.

I'll buy them all.

You betcha.

Since you put camp kidney on

It, it's suddenly become perfect

To line our ostrich cages with.

Attention, campers.

Attention, campers.

It's time for camp lazlo.

♪ There were two scouts who

Made a friend ♪

♪ And lazlo was his name-o ♪

♪ L-a-z-l-o ♪

♪ L ♪

♪ A ♪

♪ Z-l-o ♪

♪ L-a-z-l-o ♪

♪ And lazlo was his name-o ♪

♪ And then that trio went to

Camp ♪

♪ And turned it upside down-o ♪

♪ L-a-z-l-o ♪

Chip: l-a-z-l-o.

♪ L-a-z-l-o ♪

♪ And lazlo was his name-o ♪

♪ Yo-de-lay-ee ♪

Raj: [ laughs ]

[ Both laughing ]

[ Slurping ]

You know, raj, I have been

Reincarnated seven times, and

You're the most enlightened

Elephant I have ever met.

Raj: thank you for noticing.

Please, accept all my earthly

Possessions, including my

Marshmallow kingdom.

Raj: don't mind if I do.

[ Chuckles ]

Oh, hello.

Splendid.

[ Both laughing ]

Edward: wait a minute!

Raj: what?

Edward: flying marshmallows?

Raj: true story.

Edward: well, it's the best

Story I ever heard.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Lazlo: pass the story stone,

Raj.

Raj: your turn, chip.

Lazlo: you missed someone,

Pal.

Raj: who? Skip?

Lazlo: no, somebody closer.

Harold.

Raj: who's harold?

Oh.

[ Laughs ]

Story stone?

Um, no, thanks.

Lazlo: well, come on, harold.

Everybody's got a story to tell.

I-i'd rather not.

Come on, harold!

Come on!

You've got a story.

Uh, all right.

Here goes.

Uh...

I like banas!

Uh, so, I looked at my toenail

Once, and I think I saw it grow.

The end.

[ Scattered applause ]

Edward: ugh! Losers!

I loved your story!

The part about the toenail was

Like -- wow!

It was stupid.

Why can't I tell cool stories

Like raj?

Hey, why can't I get a life?

[ Both laugh ]

I'll tell you why.

All we do is stand in the

Background and watch the cool

Guys do fun stuff.

I'm sorry, but I'm gonna be

Cool, or my name's not harold.

But your name's not harold.

Well, that's what the cool

Guys call me.

Raj: [ laughing ]

What's going on?

Lazlo: we've been playing

Emperor raj for three hours.

Clam: uh, shoulder hurts.

Lazlo: let's try another

Game.

Raj: oh, forget it.

Lazlo: I think his

Marshmallow ions are running

Low.

Raj: got any marshmallows,

Samson?

Nope, quit three weeks ago.

Raj: ooh!

Marshmallow!

[ Munching ]

Another marshmallow.

[ Munching ]

Another.

Another.

[ Munching ]

Oh, hello.

You like marshmallows?

Raj: do i?

Mmm. Mmm.

Splendid.

Hey, we're wearing the same

Hat.

Raj: you are a man of taste

And style.

You must be new here.

I would definitely rember

Meeting you.

You want to hang out?

Sure, I'd love to!

Raj: what do you like to do?

Whatever you like to do.

Raj: ooh!

The perfect friend!

[ Laughs ]

Did you like alphabetizing my

Records, harold?

I-i did if you did.

Raj: let's do it again!

Did you like washing my

Retainers, harold?

Can I try one on?

Raj: I don't see why not.

What do you want to do now?

[ Both laughing ]

Raj: harold, we always do

Whati want to do.

Let's do somethingyou want to

Do for a change.

Okay.

What doyou want to do?

Raj: no, what doyou want to

Do?

No, what doyou want to do?

Raj: seriously, I would like

To hear whatyou want to do.

So would i.

Raj: let's take a walk.

You know, raj, this has been

The best day of my life.

Raj: harold, I'm curious.

What's your favorite color?

What'syours?

Raj: blue.

So's mine!

Raj: aha! I was joking.

My favorite color is green.

Aha! I was joking, too.

My favorite color's also green.

[ Laughs ]

We even have the same sense of

Humor!

[ Laughing ]

Raj: wait a minute.

Are you laughing like me?

[ Imitating raj ] whatever do

You mean?

Raj: aah!

Harold, you are a nice guy, but

Hanging out with you is like

Hanging out with myself, and I'm

Surprised by how creepy that is.

Let's not hang out anymore.

Don't call.

Don't write.

Don't drop by unexpectedly.

[ Normal voice ] but, raj, I

Thought --

Raj: great. Bye.

Nice knowing ya.

[ Burping ]

[ Farts ]

[ Muttering ]

[ Growls ]

Hey.

Raj: anyway, sorry about

Before.

Any game you want to play is

Fine with me.

Lazlo: say, isn't that

Harold?

[ Panting ]

My allergies are really acting

Up today.

I got allergies, too!

[ Panting ]

Can I be your friend,

Hamster boy?!

How 'bout you fellas?

Can I be like you?!

Heck, I'm dumber and stinkier

Than the two of you combined!

[ Crying ]

I just wanted to be cool and

[Sobbing] do fun stuff!

[ Crying ]

Well, look who decided to drop

By unexpectedly!

Raj: can i, um, talk to you

For a sec?

You can't be cool if you don't

Know who you are.

Who are you?

Uh...can you give me a hint?

Raj: how about this?

Tell me who you want to be, and

I promise, I'll help you be it.

Well...

Uh, no, you're gonna laugh at

Me.

Raj: I won't laugh.

Well...at night, as my cabin

Buddies and I cry ourselves to

Sleep, I think it might be nice

To be...

A superhero!

Raj: [ laughing ]

Seriously?

Yes.

I want to be a superhero.

A-and you can be my sidekick.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

[ Conversations stop ]

I'm captain bana pants!

[ Farts ]

And here's my sidekick...

Sticky boy!

[ Conversations resume ]

Raj: okay,

Captain bana pants, are we

Done?

I don't know.

Don't superheroes have to save

People?

[ Squawking ]

Lumpus: the children are

Staring at me, slinkman.

Slinkman: just ignore them,

Sir.

Raj: that's the last of the

Nails.

Okay.

Raj: now there is nothing

Holding lumpus' cabin together.

Yep.

Raj: scoutmaster lumpus is in

Grave danger!

He sure is.

Raj: isn't this a job for

Captain bana pants?

[ Gasps ]

You're right, sticky boy!

I'm coming, scoutmaster lumpus!

Captain bana pants to the

Rescue!

Aah!

Lumpus: [ whimpering ]

Raj: [ sighs ]

Um, harold?

I do not think you are a

Superhero.

My name's not harold, either.

I'll never know who I am!

Edward: [ laughs ]

What a loser!

And if that loser was too cool

To hang out with you guys, what

Does that make you?

[ Laughing ]

[ Growling ]

You can't talk to my friends

Like that!

Edward: well, if it ain't

Captain bana pants.

There's no bana pants here!

Just me.

Edward: and what are you

Gonna do?

I reckon you're about to find

Out.

[ All gasping ]

[ Bell tolls ]

Edward: [ growls ]

[ Growling ]

[ Grunting ]

Edward: wait a minute.

What?

Edward: you made your toenail

Grow on purpose?

Why not?

Edward: that's the best story

I ever heard!

[ Cheers and applause ]

Skip: [ chuckles ]

I like the part where he was

Dumber than we are.

Raj: by the way, what is your

Name?

I'd rather not say.

I know who I am, and that's all

That matters.

, Would you look at

This?

That's perfect.

Just what we've been waiting

For.

Now our life has purpose

Beyond the early-bird special.

Waiter, how many of the

Place-mat maps do you have?

I don't know.

A few hundred.

I'll buy them all.

You betcha.

Since you put camp kidney on

It, it's suddenly become perfect

To line our ostrich cages with.