05x05 - 'S' is for Crazy/Samson Needs a Hug

[bunniefuu]

Attention, campers.

It's time for camp lazlo.

♪ There were two scouts who

Made a friend ♪

♪ And lazlo was his name-o

♪ L-a-z-l-o

♪ L

♪ A

♪ Z-l-o

♪ L-a-z-l-o

♪ And lazlo was his name-o

♪ And then that trio went to

Camp ♪

♪ And turned it upside down-o

♪ L-a-z-l-o

Chip: l-a-z-l-o.

♪ L-a-z-l-o

♪ And lazlo was his name-o

♪ Yo-de-lay-ee

[ Glass breaking ]

Lumpus: I had a dream, doc.

I dreamt I was a severed head

Floating in a liquid void,

Waiting for the summer to end,

When suddenly, I realized I'm in

A washing machine, drifting in

The spin cycle.

Round and round, doctor,

Endlessly.

And if that's not bad enough,

The scouts join in, except

They're all severed heads, too.

We are aimless, with nothing to

Do but float.

I want to yawn, but I can't do

That [yawns] thing with my hand

Because I'm a severed head!

Don't you know what this means?

No.

Lumpus: I'm bored!

And you call yourself a doctor!

No, actually, I don't.

Lumpus: nobody does anything

Exciting anymore.

Look at these kids.

They don't do anything.

[ Farting ]

Look out there.

This camp is all played out.

The bus is up on blocks.

The kids sleep all day.

Boring!

Boring, boring.

This camp is boring.

I can't believe how --

Skip: hey, look at that.

Edward: yeah, whatever.

Lumpus: hmm.

What you boys up to?

Edward: looking at this

Jellyfish here that washed up on

Shore.

Lumpus: ooh, a jellyfish?

Whatcha gonna do?

Edward: I'm gonna do laundry.

Skip: we'll help you fold.

Lumpus: what is wrong with

You?

It's a jellyfish!

All: so?

Lumpus: so, kick it, touch

It, poke it with a stick.

Take a risk.

Edward: are you kidding me?

That's a freshwater jelius

Ouchus.

One touch, and it fries your

Brain.

Lumpus: touch it!

Touch it, touch it.

What will it take to make you

Touch it?

Hey, whatcha doing, giving

Money away?

Edward: nah.

Lumpus is trying to get us to

Touch this deadly jellyfish.

Lumpus: ah, you don't know

It's deadly till you touch it.

Why don't you touch it?

You're a guinea pig, ain't ya?

Um, no thanks.

Lumpus: touch it!

Edward: samson won't touch

It.

Chip: he never takes risks.

That's not true.

I haven't changed my underwear

Since this morning.

All: so what?

Chip: samson's boring.

Skip: yeah, with a capital

"Z."

Lumpus: [ muttering ]

Not afraid to touch it.

Lumpus: [ muttering ]

You want me to touch it?

I'll touch it!

Lumpus: yeah, you can do it.

[ Shouting ]

Lumpus: whoo!

You are a crazy man!

Edward: samson, are you okay?

Yeah, let's do that again.

Edward: I knew it.

His brain is fried.

Peanut butter shortcake!

[ Laughter ]

Lumpus: you know, samson --

Crazy!

Lumpus: okay, crazy, this

Dead-end camp was boring the

Life out of me, and then you put

That jellyfish on your head.

[ Laughing ]

Lumpus: let's do more crazy

Stuff.

Crazy stuff!

Lumpus: first, we'll

Short-sheet lazlo's bed.

Then we'll eat some asparagus

And make our wee smell funny.

Crazy!

Lumpus: and that's just the

Beginning.

Let's ride!

[ Horse whinnies ]

Whoa!

Lumpus: whoo! [ Laughs ]

Edward: wow, now, that was

Freaky.

Laundry, anyone?

Skip: I got tighty whiteys

That aren't so white anymore.

Raj: [ humming ]

Ahhh!

[ Laughter ]

Crazy!

Skip: ahhhhh!

Lumpus: hey, you want some

Pudding?

Sorry, all out.

[ Laughter ]

So, the big question on

Everyone's mind is what or who

Is terrorizing prickly pines

With crazy shenanigans?

So, ma'am, you climbed into

Your tub this morning and found

What?

Chocolate pudding.

It was awful.

That's no smell for a woman.

[ Farts ]

This reporter couldn't agree

More.

Lumpus: [ laughing ]

Crazy!

We're crazy!

Lumpus: hey, what gives?

Slinkman: I've been getting

Complaints about you two from

All over.

I'm very disappointed in you

Both.

Lumpus: ooh.

Disappointed!

Lumpus: sounds like somebody

Needs some pudding.

Peanut butter!

Crazy!

Slinkman: now, that is it!

You're done.

Go to your room, algonquin.

Lumpus: but --

Slinkman: go take a nap and

Calm down.

Now!

Ride 'em, sheriff!

[ Squealing ]

Slinkman: and you're in big

Trouble, young man.

Coco goodness!

Lumpus: hmph!

Send me to my room like a

Thumb-sucking child.

[ Alarm rings ]

Huh? Aah!

[ Laughs ]

Crazy!

Lumpus: now, that is not

Funny.

You have crossed the line.

Ahhh!

Slinky?

Slinky?

Crazy!

Lumpus: I'm coming, slinky.

Slinkman: that was not funny.

[ Laughing ]

Lumpus: you were fun when you

Were crazy, but now you're just

Crazy.

Crazy!

Lumpus: in the dream, I'm a

Party balloon, and the party is

Over.

My string breaks.

I'm drifting, directionless.

What do you think it means?

Uh...

Lumpus: oh, come on!

What kind of charlatan are you?!

Slinkman: phone call, sir.

Lumpus: excuse me, doc.

Got to take this.

Lumpus: boring, boring.

Slinkman: sounds like an

Urgent call, sir.

Lumpus: bor, bor, bor,

Boring!

Lumpus, algonquin c., Here.

Ooh, am I to assume that you

Assume he's at this camp?

Uh, hold, please.

Hey, slinky, you know anyone

Around here called samson?

Slinkman: samson is that

Camper you've been having the

Time of your life with, sir.

That camper with the jellyfish

On his head.

Lumpus: oh.

You wish to speak to him, eh?

Yeah, well, there's rules around

Here, lady.

Campers are not allowed to get

On the horn.

Since when?

Since just now.

Oh, yeah?

Why don't you come on down here?

Oh, you don't like that, eh?

Well, I don't give a --

Well, I'd like to see you, too,

Missy!

Okay, okay, sure.

How fast can you get here?

Oh, 10 minutes away, huh?

Good! Ask for the moose!

[ Laughs ]

Say, who do you think that was,

Anyway?

Slinkman: that was samson's

Parents, sir.

Lumpus: [ stuttering ]

Aaah!

Slinkman: sir, we can't

Return samson to his parents the

Way he is.

Lumpus: we can't?

[ Laughing ]

I'm crazy! I'm crazy!

Lumpus: do you think they'll

Notice the difference?

Slinkman: you made him this

Way for your own enjoyment.

It's your job to change him

Back.

Lumpus: hey, jellyhead?

Your parents are coming, so high

Time to take the jellyfish off

Of your head and go back to your

Normal self.

[ Barking ]

[ Laughing ]

Lumpus: ah ha ha, yeah.

Come on, you heard me.

Take it off.

Stinkwad.

Lumpus: what did you call

Me?!

Why, you -- all right.

Now, take it off -- aaahh!

[ Laughing ]

Toasted.

Lumpus: come back here, you

Renegade!

[ Tires screech ]

[ Grunting ]

Please, samson?

Your parents are coming.

You got to take that thing off

Your head.

♪ La la la la ding dong

♪ Backa-dacka ding dong

Lumpus: you leave me no

Choice.

If you're not going to become

Samson, I'll spin-cycle you till

You're boring again.

Crazy man.

I like it!

Slinkman: uh, scoutmaster,

Samson's parents are driving

Through the gate.

Sir, what are you doing with

That washing machine?

Lumpus: quick, slinkman, get

Me a black crayon and a paper

Bag.

Chip: uh-oh.

Here comes samson's parents.

Edward: lumpus is in for it

Now.

Lumpus: move out of my way.

Coming through, coming through.

Sad, noncrazy samson wants to

See his parents.

Edward: he's got to be

Kidding.

Lumpus: howdy, parents.

Welcome to kid campney -- camp

Nidkey.

[ Babbling ]

Here's your son, all safe...

Samson?

What has camp done to you, son?

[ Gasps ]

Jimmy!

Stanley!

What are you doing on my

Son's head?

This is your son?

I'll be darned.

Help me down.

Look, grace.

It's jimmy.

What happened?

I have got the worst headache.

Lumpus: I'm not quite sure.

Samson, my son.

Hi, mom.

Come here and give your mama

A hug.

You guys should pull your son

Out of this camp.

This scoutmaster ain't the

Sharpest sushi knife in the

Drawer, if you know what I mean.

Let's go, son.

Hey, stanley, can you drop me

Off on the north shore?

Sure.

Well, scoutmaster, I'm not

Sure what happened today, but

Except for an odd taste of

Chocolate pudding in my mouth, I

Have no recollection.

Lumpus: samson, my boy, all

You need to know is that you are

Not a severed head.

Okay.

Come on, samson.

Coming.

Slinkman: samson?

Yeah?

Slinkman: good luck, soldier.

Okay.

[ Engine turns over ]

Let's play patty-cake.

No, no!

Aah!

Patty-cake, baker's man.

Aahh!

Raj: hello?
Is this the request line?

Raj: speak up, sir.

I have a request.

Raj: caller, I can't hear

You.

I said I have a request!

Raj: ha ha!

Thank you, caller.

Due to the recent rash of

Hugging, we can no longer take

Requests.

Lazlo: ♪ b-i-n-g-o

♪ And bingo was his name-o

Attention, campers.

It's time for camp lazlo.

♪ There were two scouts who

Made a friend ♪

♪ And lazlo was his name-o ♪

♪ L-a-z-l-o ♪

♪ L ♪

♪ A ♪

♪ Z-l-o ♪

♪ L-a-z-l-o ♪

♪ And lazlo was his name-o ♪

♪ And then that trio went to

Camp ♪

♪ And turned it upside down-o ♪

♪ L-a-z-l-o ♪

Chip: l-a-z-l-o.

♪ L-a-z-l-o ♪

♪ And lazlo was his name-o ♪

♪ Yo-de-lay-ee ♪

[ Glass breaking ]

Azlo: ♪ b-i-n-g-o ♪

♪ B-i-n-g-o ♪

♪ B-i-n-g-o ♪

♪ And bingo was his name-o ♪

That was, you guessed it,

"Bingo."

Next up on the "bingo"

Marathon -- a little number from

Down under.

Enjoy!

[ "Bingo" instrumental plays ]

I hate this song.

Raj: lazlo, call on line two.

Lazlo: hi, caller.

Do you have a request?

[ Sobbing ] yes.

I request an explanation.

Why am I so lonely?

[ Crying ]

Lazlo: caller?

You seem to have a serious case

Of the blues.

You think?

Lazlo: what's your name?

Why -- why do you need my

Name?

Lazlo: well, it says here,

"To establish the illusion that

We are friends."

Friends?

Okay.

Uh, this is, uh, ned -- I mean

Fred.

Edward.

My name is edward.

Lazlo: edward?

[ Laughter ]

Lazlo: shh!

Edward, what you need is a good,

Old-fashioned hug.

A -- a hug?

Lazlo: yes.

You need to see that people care

About you.

People care about me?

Hey, it's a toilet, not a

Phone booth.

Ah ha ha!

Lazlo: edward? Edward!

Edward, are you there?

Please hang up and try your

Call again.

This is a recording.

Lazlo: raj, if edward doesn't

Get those hugs, he'll never get

Through this.

I pledge to hug the loneliness

Out of edward myself.

Raj: lazlo, do you have that

Many hugs in you?

Lazlo: good question.

Yep, I got a full tank.

Skip: missed.

Edward: stop moving!

Ugh!

Skip: missed again.

Edward: chip, will you --

Skip: I'm skip.

Edward: where's chip?

Chip: here I am.

Edward: [ growls ]

Skip: missed again.

Lazlo: hi, edward.

Edward: what do you want?

Lazlo: how are you feeling

Today, edward?

Edward: ugh!

Both: missed again!

Edward: lousy!

What do you care?

Lazlo: I care, edward.

We all care about you.

Edward: lazlo, you're

Creepier than normal today.

Now, if you don't mind -- ugh!

Both: missed!

Edward: stop moving, chip!

Lazlo, what are you doing?

Lazlo: I'm hugging you,

Edward.

Edward: back off!

Aaahhh!

Lazlo: it's gonna take a lot

More hugs to cure this lonely

Soul.

Hi, laz--

Lazlo: sorry, samson, can't

Talk now.

Sure, I understand.

Hey, are those my eggs?

Edward: ugh!

That was horrible, disgusting.

He touched me!

Cooties!

Oh, great.

What a time for the water to cut

Off.

Towel, towel, towel, towel,

Towel.

Ah.

Lazlo: how do you feel now,

Edward?

Edward: aaaah!

He'll never find me under here.

Lazlo: feel better, edward?

Edward: aaahh!

He won't be able to hug me if I

Just keep running.

[ Gasping ]

Ah.

I don't know why, but I'm

Starting to feel better.

Lazlo: that's great, edward.

If you need a topper, give me a

Call.

Edward: [ groaning ]

Lazlo: nothing like a job

Well done.

I even have half a tank left.

Hi, harold.

How's it going?

Not so good, lazlo.

I've been fishing all day and

Haven't caught anything.

It's sort of discouraging.

Lazlo: allow me to help,

Harold.

What'd you say, lazlo?

Lazlo: see you later.

[ Grunting ]

Hey, lazlo, could you help me

With this?

Lazlo: glad to.

Gee, thanks, lazlo.

I got it from here.

Nope.

It's hopeless.

[ Whimpers ]

Meat loaf again?

King me!

Your shoe's untied.

[ Groans ]

Lazlo: wow, I'm all out of

Hugs.

Well, I think I got just about

Everybody.

Slinkman: lazlo, could I talk

To you for a second?

Sit down, son.

You see, lazlo, there have been

A few complaints.

Lazlo: am in trouble,

Mr. Slinkman?

Slinkman: no, no.

I just wanted to talk to you

About affection.

Lazlo: you mean like kissing?

Slinkman: whoa, whoa, back it

Up, there, son.

All I'm talking about is

Hugging.

Lazlo: oh, yes.

Hugging is good.

Slinkman: well, you see,

Hugging is good when hugging is

Wanted.

Lazlo: ahhh!

Are you saying there's someone

In camp who's hugging people

That don't want to be hugged?

Slinkman: I know, it's

Embarrassing, but if it stops

Now, we'll forget all about it.

Lazlo: and you think I can

Stop this?

Slinkman: you're the only one

Who can.

Lazlo: and you say you've

Forgotten who the hugger is?

Slinkman: slipped my mind.

Lazlo: mr. Slinkman, you can

Count on me.

Slinkman: I'm so glad we had

This talk, lazlo.

Lazlo: I am, too, sir.

Rest assured I will find out who

The offending hugger is and

Bring him to justice.

Slinkman: [ sighs ]

Slinkman, you are one heck of a

Counsel-- wait.

What did he say?

A short time later...

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Lazlo: listen up, everyone.

Will whoever's hugging people

Against their will please stand

Up?

Edward: you're already

Standing.

Lazlo: save the jokes,

Edward.

This is serious.

Now, slinkman has just informed

Me that one of you has been

Running around and

Indiscriminantly giving out

Hugs, and he's entrusted me to

Put a stop to it.

So, I'm asking you again, which

One of you is the hugger?

Edward: you're the hugger!

[ Groans ]

Lazlo: wasn't funny the first

Time, edward.

And there's nothing funny about

A hug.

It has the power to change lives

For the better, but if misused,

A hug can cause a great deal of

Uncomfortableness.

I agree.

Lazlo: so I think it's clear

Why I asked all of you here

Today.

Um, you didn't ask us here.

Yeah, it's lunchtime.

Lazlo: oh, you're right.

Well, I'm sure you're all

Wondering why I've

Surreptiously planned this

Gathering during your lunch.

Skip: to find out who the

Hugger is?

Chip: didn't we already go

Over this?

Lazlo: yes, we did go over

This, but it bears repeating

Anyway.

Thank you, chip.

Now, I know what all of you are

Thinking.

You're thinking how is he gonna

Figure out who the hugger is?

Well, I'll just go ahead and

Show you how.

With this.

An artificial gas fire log?

Lazlo: I mean, this!

Skip: aaaah!

A giant cute teddy elephant.

[ Crying ]

Lazlo: well, skip, you're

Only partially correct.

It is indeed a stuffed teddy

Elephant, but not just any teddy

Elephant.

Because this one can tell how

Many hugs a person has given in

The last 24 hours.

Edward: and how does

It do that,

Detective monkey for brains?

Lazlo: you just give it a hug

And it gives a readout.

See?

Okay, now, I want everybody to

Come up here and give it a hug

Just like I did.

Edward: oh, come on.

Stupid.

Lazlo: that's right, single

File.

Okay, chip, you first.

Okay, chip, it's not you.

Ping pong? No.

Come on, guys, give it a good

Squeeze like this.

Dave?

Nuh-unh.

Harold?

No.

All right, edward, your turn.

Oh.

Um, next.

No. Next.

No.

No, not you, either.

Hey, you there, not so fast.

So, you thought being the last

One in line would --

Oh, it's not you, either.

Doesn't make any sense.

This should work.

Edward: lazlo, face it,

Already.

You're the hugger!

Lazlo: I told you that joke's

Not working.

You must not be hugging it hard

Enough.

If we just give it a little

More.

[ Grunts ]

[ All shouting ]

Edward: perfect, he hugged

Himself to death.

Now we can finish lunch.

Lazlo: [ groaning ]

Slinkman: let me try to be

Clear this time, lazlo.

I need you to stop hugging

Everyone.

Lazlo: I still don't get that

Joke.

Raj: hello?

Is this the request line?

Raj: speak up, sir.

I have a request.

Raj: caller, I can't hear

You.

I said I have a request!

Raj: ha ha!

Thank you, caller.

Due to the recent rash of

Hugging, we can no longer take

Requests.

Lazlo: ♪ b-i-n-g-o ♪

♪ And bingo was his name-o ♪