02x08 - Adam Carolla & Dr. Drew Pinsky

[bunniefuu]

Oh, what?But it doesn't

really matter No, it doesn't really

matter 'Cause we'll all be doubled over

with laughter At the expense of others,

maybe even your mother Won't you join the

Crank Yankers tonight?Crank

Yankers!

Eamonhar. Yeah, this is Bobby Fletcher.

Uh-huhWho am I speaking with?You're

thinking of Peggy. Peggy, hi. I just

bought a soda at your store about an hour

ago. I think there was something wrong

with it. What kind was it?It was a

grape soda. The expiration date must have

been it was expired like by three months.

I don't want to be rude, but I I can't

stop burping ever since I bought the

soda. Well, I don't know what

to do. I got to go to work in an hour.

This isn't funny. The owner will be down

here in a minute. I don't know if I can

come to the store if I keep burping. I

don't want to, you know, scare away the

other customers, but I can't stop. They

just keep coming. It's like Tourette's.

Uh-huhYou hear this?I mean,

I got to go to work in an hour. I do

customer service. I can't be doing this.

Well, I don't know. I'm not the owner

here. I'm just here for him. But he'll be

here. He'll be here at about 10 after

five. I can't wait that long. I might

throw up. Is there anything you could do?

No, I'm not. I don't have any any

say so about that. I never know how to

do. I didn't even burp before ever in my

life. I can't stop. All I can tell you

just wait till he come. I'll give you.

He'll be here about 5 after five. I can't

wait till five. Miss. This hurts. It

hurts my belly. I can't tell you. You'll

have to just. What am I gonna do?I got a

date after work tonight too. OK. I don't

know what to tell you. Really. I don't.

Miss, you got to help. Well, you just

call him back in about 15 minutes. I

can't. Well, if you're that bad, you need

to go to the doctor, OK?I don't know.

Where's the doctor?Where are you from?I

live right down Main Street. I don't

know. I'm really scared, Miss. I don't

know. But you can call back because I

don't know what to do back. Miss, I'm

going to pass out. Well, you be.

Well, I'm sorry, 'cause I don't know what

to do. I'm just up here for him, for him

to go somewhere. He'll be back.

Okay?Uh..

Hello. Hey, is Bo in?

OK, hold on. All right.

Hello. Bo, this is Adam Corolla. Hi.

You know the show Love Line, right?Hell,

yeah. Yeah, good. Are you in a room

that's quiet where we can talk a little

bit?Well, I can wear a Jack off

Yeah, go with your Jack offYeah, go with

your Jack offAll right. All right

We're in the barn. That's good. OK. So,

Bo, what we're doing here is we're

putting together a tape for MTV because

we're trying to get the show back on the

air. Oh, hell yeah, man. And

we're going to have Drew kind of hip it

up a little. Be a little more urban. OK.

Doctor Drew in the hizzy. Hell yeah. All

right. So let's just take it like a

regular Love Line call, and we'll just

start at the beginning. Bo, 18,

you're on love line. What's your problem?

Well, the problem is I have no sex life.

But why don't you got no play playa?I

don't know. So you ain't hitting the

skins?Yeah, m*therf*cker

You undoubtedly are looking to get the

throbbing guzzle. You see what I'm saying?

Yeah, I feel you. In the meantime, you're

sitting in the hizzy by yourself,

thinking about a little a little palooza

action. In the meantime, your dog ain't

doing shitHey, look, we we heard when the

call picked up. You got those shorties

running around there. You got to get out

there and get your b*tch spunk drunk. You

feeling me at church?You feeling me?Yeah,

yeah, yeahIf you had a hizzy, you'd be

out of the house. I I'm telling you,

that it would put you into the mode where

you would have no problem to get that

freaky sh*t going. 24/7 flow and semen

here in your house in your hizzy for

chizzy. Go with the flow. Don't talk like

it. Just talk the way you want to. So I

don't have to use all that freak. It tore

up the assAreola Palooza, Muffio Tang

throbbing guzzle crap in the assShit

right?f*ck them. Be yourself. Who gives a

sh*t what they want?Look, m*therf*cker

I'm telling you, don't be a player hater,

because when you tap her in the a*s you

ain't going to be interested in p*stol

rubbing no more. And the digit is dizzle

and in the hizzy for chizzy going to be

great on the QT for real. Stay fresh,

Megan. All right. All rightBye. Peaceout.

Good afternoon. How may I help you?Hi. Is

this the health spa?Yes, Sir, it is.

Wonderful. My name is Terrence Catheter.

I am Mr. T's assistant. Yes,

Sir. And T would like to come in

for a massage. OK. What time

was he looking for?OK. And the last name

you want me to put in here?TT. Mr. T You

want me to put that down?Yes, that's his

name. That's cool. And actually, there

are a few things that I just want to tell

you about in advance, just so you're

aware of. The masseuse must not call it a

massage because Mr. T thinks that's g*y

sounding. He likes it to be called a rub

down. Rub down. OK, OKSo if he could just

work the word rub down in maybe 15 or



great. OK, OKHe likes to wear his

jewelry. During his massage, he doesn't

trust people. He had a rough upbringing.

How are we going to be able to massage

him if he's not going to take off any of

his jewelry?Well, you'll have to work

around it. He considers that

his and it's some kind of a symbol. It's

a black thing. I don't understand it.

Yeah, it is a symbol. Yes, it's a symbol

of sl*very or something like that. OK.

Also, do not get oil in his

Mohawk. No oil. If oil

touches his Mohawk, he will beat the

masseuse to a pulp, OK?

Also, don't you and don't anyone on the

staff say I pity the fool to him because

he becomes very angry when he hears that

and he will often beat those around him

to a pulp. So if they could skip that and

oh, call him T He likes to be called T,

not Mr. T OK And the T, by the

way, is for ticklish. OK,

so Mr. T would like if you could just put

a nice layer at the end of A1 sauce on

his body. Can you hold for

one moment?Let me get my boss to talk to

you. Hold on. Maren speaking. May I help

you?Hi there. Are you the manager?Yes, I

am. Well, first of all, you have a

wonderful staff there. Everyone's been

very nice. Thank you. I'm trying to

arrange a massage for Mr. T. I'm his

assistant, Terrence. Yes. And I just want

to make sure that everything's in order

for his visit. Yes. All

in the Mohawk. Yes. No oil in

the Mohawk. Call him T and

also he'd like to be rubbed down with A1

steak sauce. This A1 steak sauce. I

cannot apply that. OK, what if we were to

bring it along?Sir, I cannot do that

there. He has had it done in Europe and I

didn't know if he did this over here. OK,

if you could just follow all these rules,

it would be amazing. Well, there won't be

no problem following all these rules

except for the A1 steak sauce. Except for

the steak sauce. But please, everything

else must be followed exactly as

I've given them to you, or else he will

beat people to a pulp. He's a little bit

crazy. So, so am I. So

yes, one brother to another brother.

Excellent. Excellent. And Mr. T is

looking forward to seeing you tomorrow,

brother. OK, Terrence. OK. And there's

just one more thing. I mean, I know I

don't have to mention this, but I feel

like I must just to be careful.

Please ask the masseuse not to go

anywhere near his p*nis. He will beat him

to an absolute pulp. Sir, first of all,

we don't do that, OK?Excellent. That's

wonderful. Excellent. OK. OKThank

you so much. You've been very nice. And

we'll see you tomorrow. We'll be. I'll be

here. OK. T it up. Bye. Bye.

Gina, how can I help you?Hi, Gina, this

is Ed. Hi. It's my birthday.

Yay. Yay. It's my

birthday. I want to come to Chuck E

Cheese. OK. Yay. Is Chuck E

gonna be there?Yeah. I love

Chuck E. Yay. I love Chuck E, and I

love cheese, too. Hello.

Who's this?This is Sasha. Hi, Sasha.

It's my birthday today. Yay. Is

it?Yay. That's great. Yay. That's great.

I just got back from Hawaii.

Yay. Oh, really?Oh, you want to

go to Hawaii?Yeah.

Yay. Yay. Cool. We're going to go to

Hawaii. Yeah, I'm excited. Can we bring

Chuggy?Yeah, maybe we could. That'd be

really fun. I like Chuggy and I

like cheese. Oh, really?You like both?

Yeah. So I like Chuck E Cheese. Yay. Oh,

great. I love cheese. That's

great. Cheese makes me poo,

though. It does it. Does it make you

poo?Um, I'm sure it does. And we can

poop together. Okay.

Yay! Yay, we're gonna poop! Yay!

That's great! Yeah, it's so

exciting. Yay, we're gonna poop in

Hawaii! Yay! Yeah. That's

great. That is great. Oh,

I think I just made a poop. 'Cause it's

my birthday! Yay! It's my birthday and I

just pooped! Yay!

Alright, bye. Bye poop lady.

Bye.

Hello. HelloI have to make

a house and a

hammer. Do

you make drywall?No, I don't.

Okay. Yeah, I have to make

electricity. Electricity, electricity.

Yeah. Inside my bathtub.

My bathtub. You want electricity in your

bathtub?Yeah, I'm sorry. I

to make lights inside in your

bathroom. No, my bathtub.

I have to put my bathtub,

bathtub with lights for Christmas. Yeah,

I'm trying to understand what that what I

heard you say was something about your

bathtub. I have 200. I have two hundred

$300 to make a bathroom. Drywall,

hammer, saw, less. Have

you got the drywall?No, I don't

like drywall. I want to make my

sink is in my daughter and

she wants to make inside.

OK, because we're trying to make a house.

You're trying to make a house. No, trying

to paint a house. Paint. OK, the word

paint. Yeah, OK, paint. I'm good at. OK,

so I want to paint lights

inside. I want to put electricity. Inside

the water, lights in my bathroom, in my

bathtub. Because when I'm standing there

peeing with my pee pee, my daughter says,

what are you looking at?And I want to say

I have lights so they don't look inside.

It's my bathroom. Would it help for us to

have a translator?Oh,

no. NoYou

never, never, never do a translator.

OK. Because you are very

nice to me. I know. I knowIt's really,

really difficult for me too, because we

don't have a roof. We don't have a roof.

No, because we cannot afford it. So

today I want to build a roof, OK, with

bread and crackers and

and gum and

wigs. And I said to my

abuelita, you're not making a you're not

making a roof like that. Because that

that that that does not, that doesn't

work. That's a thatcher. Yeah. You

can't make a, you can't make a rule like

that out of gum and bread and

can. Well, listen, you should come to my

bathroom. You look at it, OK?Because

when I make pee pee, I don't want my

daughters looking at me. And you look at

them and you say to them, no, I look

because my bathroom is not a public

place. OK. What am I supposed to

do?Please, I come in tomorrow. OK.

Gracias. You've been a great help.

Yeah, I love you. OK. Adios. Yes, adios.

Hello, this is Doug. Doug. Tony DeLose,

District Selectman. Hi, Tony. I'm running

for re-election and I'm running against

BJ Kellison. And BJ is

slandering me on the media and I need

advice and help. And I was referred to

your company because they said you are

brilliant and you're sensitive and you

know how to turn campaigns around. OK,

I've got to fix my image because he has

said things about me in the press and on

television. He said I'm a drug user

and I'm over that. I've been clean for a

month. And also he said that I was

arrested for exposure and what happened

was and it's documented. I was driving

down the street. I had to go to the

bathroom. Unfortunately, there was no gas

station open. So I stopped and I went to

the bathroom at a grammar school and it

happened to be recess. Some kids saw me.

They started screaming. So police took me

away. OK, done. I admit that.

How can I get back in the good graces of

my affiliates?What we advise most of our

candidates is you need to be very open

and honest and upfront about everything

that has happened. And I'm not going to

lie. I'm going to say, OK, I pissed on a

slide. Big deal. I was coked out of

my mind. What the hell am I supposed to

do?I'll tell you what

happened in the last thing. I in the past

sometimes have a trigger temper, and

Kellison brought up the fact about the

schoolyard, which he keeps harping on,

and I called him a d*ck on television.

And this k*lled me. You know, I'm

clean from cocaine. I'm clean from

pissing on kids. I don't do it anymore.

So can I say that Tony DeLoge doesn't

piss on kids?Is that a good slogan?

Tony, the only thing I can say is in a

situation like this, you need to be

honest and upfront about the situation.

All right, so here's what I'll do. I will

come out and I'm going to say before Mr.

Kellison has a chance to say it. Yes, I

was caught with a hookerYes, I pissed on

a playground. Big g*dd*mn deal.

I've had pyromaniac problems in my life.

So what?Everyone does. People like to

light a match. I like to burn a house.

What can I do?Let me ask you this.

He has threatened me that he's going to

bring up the bestiality. What do I do

with that?Well, Tony, I think you've got

a lot more problems than I can deal with.

You ever been with a horse?No. And

I'm. I'm going to. Hang up on you right

now and let me tell you this, if you're

coked up and you got a piss and you get

involved with a horse, you'll have the

time of your life. Tony, I think you got

to look guilt for it. Thanks. Thank you

very much. For what?

Here's a costume. Hi, I'm having a

costume party. I need a costume. What

kind?I want to do a creative

costume, something kind of

unique. Do you have stuff that is less,

you know, out of the realm of like the

mainstream or?We have all kinds

of stuff here, right?I wanna look good. I

wanna, you know, I'm single and I'm, you

know, I want something sexy, like a sexy

Hitler. Oh, I don't

know if they have something like that.

Could you look or what would that be?

Like Hitler but sexy?

What did he wear?He wore like a

fun uniform with an armband

and he had like this cute little straight

mustache. But then I want to do it, you

know, with the big boobs and maybe like a

French maid skirt or something like Jack

boots and a mini skirt. That look OK, we

don't have those kind of boots or like a

swastika armband, but maybe lacy

or like with a lace border.

We don't have any n*zi stuff really. We

have. We do have military stuff, but not

have. Gosh, what about the

little mustache?And I could do it, you

know, wear it with a cute top, like a fun

top. If you come in, we'll put, we'll

find something that you'll like. Make me

sexy. Hitler. OK, right.

Hitler me up. All right. I'm getting

here. You don't think this is going to

upset anyone, do you?No. As a matter of

fact, I was. I just asked the owner if we

have any Hitler stuff and she said. Oh,

great. But you said we don't really have

anything that would be for a sexy Hitler.

Well, I've got the jacket with the

swastika and then I can just wear

like fishnets, short shirt underneath

that, right?With high boots

that have the steel toe and the we don't

have those. You might have to get those

maybe somewhere else. All right, you

might have some in the Jewish Community

Center where the party's going to be. So

great. I'm going to come in for the

Hitler stuff tomorrow. OK.

That's OK. And heil HitlerHi,

Hitler. OK, bye, honey. All right, bye.

Yeehaw.