02x13 - Adam Carolla & Kevin Kimmel

[bunniefuu]

Oh, what?But it doesn't really matter

No, it doesn't really matter 'Cause we'll

all be doubled over with laughter At the

expense of others, maybe even your mother

Won't you join the Crank Yankers tonight?

Crank Yankers!

Support Services. This is Courtney. Hi.

You involved with the neighborhood watch?

Mm-hmmOh, fantastic. My name's Burcham.

I'm moving to the Wichita area in just a

couple of weeks, and I want to get

involved with some community policing. Do

you know your address?I don't have it in

front of me. My wife has that

information. You know, that's a lady's

work. Right. What a man does is police.

Really. I didn't know that. Yes, indeed.

Indeed. I'm a cop and our neighborhood

watch officer's a cop too. She's a girl.

Well, you broads are going to have to get

in the back of the squad car when Burcham

rolls to town. I'll tell you that right

now, because I do the driving. Oh, really?

Yeah. OK. Remember TJ HookerYeah.

YeahYou didn't see Heather Locklear

driving the rig, did you?No. TJ was

behind the wheel. And you didn't see

Heather Locklear sliding over the hood,

did you?Dragging down perps. TJ did the

real policing. You guys can pose as

prostit*tes and I'll drive the rig. All

right. You're you're lady, right?Yeah.

And you're a police officer. Do they give

you a g*n?Yeah. Really. Yeah.

My goodness. I could understand some

pepper spray, maybe a baton or

something. Well, you listen, little lady,

that g*n, that g*n's dangerous. It's like

a weapon. Yeah, that's what I have it

for. I mean, aren't they scared you're

gonna sh**t yourself in the foot?I think

the last person to sh**t himself in the

foot was the guy. Let me tell you

something. When I was in Nam, we didn't

have no ladies but comfort ladies. That's

all we had. That's all they got. You

know, you just do this. They give you a

rub down. They get you some tea. We don't

have any of those here. All right, let me

just explain something. I don't want that

neighborhood watch business where I walk

around with a walkie-talkie and if I see

something suspicious, I phone somebody.

No way. I'm going in through the front

door. I see something going down. I see,

for instance, a husband committing sodomy

on his wife or something. I'm right

through the front door. g*ns a blazing. I

take no names. sh**t 1st and ask

questions later. That's always been my

policy. Alrighty, Cowboy. We'll just go

ahead and call up the patrol N to hear

your community policing officer. Dad, I

don't play by the book either. You know

what I'm saying?Right. I don't even play

by the rules. I'm such an outlaw. I don't

even play by my own rules. OK.

You falling in love with me?Not quite.

You single lady?No. NoYou got a man?

Yeah. You tell that so-called man you're

married to to meet me out on the edge of

town at sundown. We'll see who comes

back. OK. All right there, Mama. Bye.

Thank you for calling Vitex. How may I

help you?Hi, I've got some sperm that I

would like to bring in to be tested as

soon as possible. Is it from a

patient?Kind of my boyfriend.

OK, it's just I know he's going to

propose tonight and I just, I wanted to

make sure before I jump into something

like that, that, you know, we're not

going to have babies with two heads or or

no babies or. Oh, I understand. If I want

to get to get it fresh and everything, I

just, I don't want him to know. I just.

So if he's sleeping, isn't there a button

if I go in from behind in his

an*s there's like a button that makes it

just come out, right?I don't

know. Hold on just a minute. OK, hold

on.

Hi, this is Christine. Can I help you?Hi.

I was on with somebody before. Yeah,

actually, it was Caroline, and she was

trying to tell me what you wanted. Um

If you massage the prostate, he's going

to wake up and know. He could actually go

to his doctor and his doctor could write

out a prescription or whatever, and he

can come over and have it tested if it

would make you feel any better. I don't

want him to know. I just, I don't want

him to know. You know, it's just that if

he's Swedish and my mom had told me

that a lot of Swedes have low sperm

count and have things wrong. If he was

Mexican, I wouldn't worry at all. You

know, no, I've never heard that about the

Swedish people, but well, how would you

recommend getting it out without him?

Knowing or you know, like I

have this sock and I he just

furiously masturbated into and I know I

could bring that in, you know, I mean,

see, once it's been on that sock for any

length of time, they're dead to begin

with. I mean, we'd have to actually try

and put this sock underneath the

microscope and look at it that way. What

if I and and all you would see is just

whether he had sperm cells or not. Wow.

Is there a way that you could come by and

help me get it out of him?No.

I'm not a professional to begin with. I

mean, I'm well, you seem to know a lot

about sperm. I've just, I've worked here



a sample in from my hair?I could cut it

out or we could kind of

strain it out. Yeah, I don't. I don't

even know if you could do that. Is sperm

kosher?Technically kosher. As in you

mean like Jewish kosher?Yeah, yeah

To do what with it?I mean, if I were to,

you know, put it in my mouth, drink it,

you knowOh, if I brought it in my mouth,

I could kind of incubate it until I get

there, keep it warm. No, that

no, noBecause then you have saliva and

all that mixed with it. Because there

are. I mean, if a man is dying, you can

actually retrieve his semen a certain

way, you know, even if he can't

ej*cul*te or whatever. But.

The man's gonna know no matter what

you're doing, he's gonna know it. If you

massage the prostate or anything else.

What if I give him a massage and then

during the massage I happen to do that?He

would still know. No, right, right,

right, right, right, rightThere's really

nothing more I can help you with and I

really need to get back to work. Well,

you've been no help. OK, thanks. Thanks a

lot for nothing.

Get up on your float and join the p*nis

parade. Get up on that float.

Get up on that float. Get up on that

float and show your p*nis to the world.

Yeah, this is Diana. I'm

sorry. You're sorry about what?My

mom told me to call. I peed in

your pool. Oh, wait a minute. OK, well,

who is this?My name is Ed, and I'm

sorry. That's good to know, 'cause we

might need to do something with some

chemicals. I peed in your

pool. OK. I'm sorry. OK. Well,

we accept your apology. Yeah. Can I put

you on hold?Yeah. Can I put you on hold

just for a moment?Yeah. No.

OK. It's OK. Well, no, it's not

OK. It's not OK to pee in our pool. I'm.

I couldn't help. And the water was warm.

The water was warm. OK. Pee. Oh,

OK. But Ed, are you you are you a

member here?Yes. OK. I

beat in your pool. OK. Can I hang on just

a second?I know. OK. You know what?I'm

gonna let you talk to Randy for a second.

This is Randy. Can I help you?I'm peed

in your pool. Why was she yelling at me?

Oh. Oh, no, Sir. She didn't mean to yell

at you. She was yelling. I'm sorry.

No, it's OK. Yeah, it's OK. I'm

beating your pool. I've been in your

pool. I've been in your pool. I've been

in your pool. I've been in your pool.

I've been in your pool.

I've been in your pool. Yay! I've been in

your pool. I've been in your pool.

OK, well, I appreciate it. I hope you

have a nice day. Have a nice day.

Bye-bye.

Availability. Hey! Available employment?

Yes. Patent. Well, same stuff that

happens here every day. All right,

listen. We're gonna get to some vinegar,

sausage, and all the filing cabinets you

can eat. How can I help you today?I typed



Every Wednesday, we're going to get

involved with the unemployed.

OK. All right. Now, next Saturday, if you

want to get involved, we're going to take

all the electricity in the area and

harness it to create a monster. Well,

that would be a good thing. I think that

too. We got. Bucket of jizz

How can I help you today?Gum disease?

Yes?What's going on?What about part-time

or full-time?Uh Right now

it's kind of slow. It is. Well, I'll tell

you what, we're going to take a bucket of

jizz and go pastry shopping and show them

what it's all about. Okay. What do you

think?We really don't have a lot right

now. I'm hired. You got flowers?

Nope. All right, now, if you were to take

two of your local fishermen, divide them

by, say, Wow, big pans.

Minimum wage, minimum wage.

Right?I would imagine so. Oh, geez.

So let me ask you a question. 401K.

Mm-hmmHow about a number two pencil?

I prefer 401K than a number two pencil.

All right, let's have 401K. Take your



switch and then say to yourself, Where

the exercise?I'm supposed to get out of

here somehow. All right, sir, I'm gonna

have to get off the line here. All right.

I so appreciate your time. What's your

name?My name's Bruce. Bruce. Hey, let me

tell you something. I know that you and

Pat are really good with the scrotum, and

I appreciate that. Thanks. Thank you,

Takish. Yep, bye. Bye-bye.

Library. Hi, is this the library?

Yes, it is. I need help with my

homework. What do you need?I just need

to look up two words in the dictionary.

OK, what do you need to look up?

Hospitable. OK.

I've got a dictionary right in front of

me here. Oh, that's great.

OK, hospitable means

receiving and entertaining guests in a

friendly fashion. OK, say that again,

please. Receiving and

entertaining guests.

OK, in a friendly fashion.

OK, next word. OK, What is it?

BitchAnd why do you want to know that

one?It's for my homework.

And how do you spell it?b*tch

OK, that's a female

dog. Oh, that's weird.

Doesn't sound like that. That's what it

is, though, 'cause my dad said if my

mom yelled at him one more time, yes,

he's gonna put that b*tch in the

hospitable. Oh, in the hospital?

No, in the hospitable.

Well. That wasn't very nice, was it?That

doesn't sound like it's for your

homework, does it?No. No, I don't think

so. I was just yanking your crank. I can

tell. You've been very nice, though.

Maybe when I get older, I will hire you

to work for me. I don't think so. You're

very hospitable. Bye-bye. Thanks,

Mitch.

ohh Hallelujah, the phone is answered.

My name is Benjamin Dubois. Good morrow.

And how are you today?Well, I have a bit

of a problem. I was recently in your

store, which I patronized before, and

I picked up for purchase the

Star Trek Enterprise model USS Enterprise

NCC-1701-D. Got it home.

Started to piece it together, when

voila! Much to my dismay and

consternation, I find there is no forward

thruster rebound connector.

So... Hang on a second. Let me

see if I've got-- it's the Enterprise D,

right?Yeah. Could you write down a list

of the things that I need?Sure.

OK. It's It's simply the forward thruster

rebound connector. OK. Thruster.

OK. You could understand my problem. I

mean, what's the point of warp speed

without tandem overdrive?Yeah. Power

transfer tunnels, the engine core

eject hatch, and the badge

shaft looked terrible.

I think if I brought it in, you'd see

what I was saying. You'd see it

instantly. Oh, OK. The battle

bridge, the main dining

facility, and

perhaps most importantly, the Clittle

bridge. That's in the propulsion system,

the plate job. I don't expect you

to be completely familiar with all this.

No, no, I'm not. It's been. I've done one

of those kits, but it's been a while.

It's been a couple of years since I've

done that little critter. It's a

beautiful kit, though. It is beautiful.

One last thing in the warp propulsion

system. Okay. The rim job hole needs

grease. Lubricant.

You're writing that down?Uh-huhCould you

read that back to me, please?I have

forward thruster rebound connector. Power

transfer tunnel. Yes, sir. Engine core

ejection pad. Yes. Bad shaft.

I'm sorry, what was the last one?Bad

shaft?Bad shaft, yeah. Yeahsee The

battle bridge?Yes. Plate job?

Yes. That is of

utmost important. The plate job.

Rim job needs grease or lube. Yes. One

more thing of utmost importance. The

swollen, throbbing shaft needs pumping.

Would you like to talk to the police

about this matter?How dare you?Who

do you think I am, Sir?

Ding dong! Hello, who's there?Oh, Logic,

come on in and sit a spell because the

Hobby Depot isn't going to take you in

and warm your c*ck. Okay, pal, why

don't you go stuff yourself?Excuse me,

did you say... Who the... He's

right.

Hello. Hi. Is this Barbara?Yeah. Hi,

Barbara. My name's Cammie Smith and I'm

Miss Americana New York. How are you?OK,

good. I'm just calling average women to

find out what their lives are like

because I'm going for Miss World. Can I

ask you a few questions?Yeah, I guess so.

OK, you can spare a minute. Great.

What is it like being average?

What do you mean by that?Well, I mean,

I'm really hot and I've been hot since I

was 12, so I've never lived a

normal life. So I'm sort of trying to

find out what it's like to be normal.

OK. Yeah. I just have a quick question.

OK. Like, do you cry every time you see a

mirror?No. OK. Is it

is it hard being ugly?

How do you know that I'm ugly?Well, I

don't. That's why I'm asking you. I'm

just assuming because most of America is.

I'm like in the top one percentile.

So I'm figuring 99%, you know,

I wouldn't say I'm ugly. OK. So

you're not mad at God or anything?No. OK.

What about driving a car?What's that like?

Do you drive one of those normal cars,

like a Toyota or Hyundai?Nope. I drive a

Ford. OK, what's that like driving?

Because I'm usually in the back seat of a

limo. This is a strange question. I know,

it's odd. I just, I don't even know what

to ask. Are you angry that you'll never

be loved by somebody hot?No. I'm

just trying to get inside an ugly

person's head. Um Are your boobs

small?Yeah. They are. Yeah.

But that doesn't bother you?No. OK.

I used to be mildly hot, you know, before

I was super hot. You might want to

consider getting a boob job just to up

your hotness. Do you have any kids?I have

three children. Ew. Wait, three kids?

Yuck. What's that like?Are your hips

just, like, ginormous?No, they're not.

And I think it's time to go. I think that

if you don't change your attitude, you

aren't going to mend this win with Merle.

Well, good. This is helpful. Thank you.

Because this is what I need to know.

What's what attitude things do I need to

change?And don't be mad at me because

you're ugly. I didn't make you that way.

God did. I'm not ugly. Well, you know,

it's your attitude.

OK, like, what am I doing?Just come and

say to somebody what's it like to be ugly?

They're pretty rude and pretty c*ck and

pretty ignorant. Really. Why?I don't

understand. I mean, why do you assume?

Because you're not you. You assume that

you are. You're nobody's pretty because

they're not Miss Americana.

No, but I'm pretty sure that you're not

as pretty. What do you assume?What do you

mean?You assume that everybody else is

ugly compared to you in life?Well, most

likely you are. You haven't seen me. And

you haven't seen me. And you know what?

You better consider going to church and

finding God, because God wouldn't

appreciate you being like that. Goodbye.

Whatever.

You know, she's right.

You are pretty ugly.