01x05 - All Our Yesterdays

[bunniefuu]

[theme music]

[music playing over radio]

It's no good.

I can't concentrate.

Spooner's had that radio on and off all night.

Well, why don't you tell him about it?

[scoffs] What, me tell Spooner?

[blows raspberry] He's a professional wrestler, mate.

My body don't bend easily these days.

I'm sure he'd be reasonable.

Well, I'm not.

Plus, since he's had his leg in a plaster, he's been impossible.

He blames the whole medical profession

just because it itches.

I don't think he'd be quite so angry

if he had done it in the ring.

But tripping over the cat-- that's what really annoyed him.

He blames Rigsby.

He says that cat's Rigsby's evil spirit.

He's going to wring its neck.

He'll do it, too, you know.

Spooner was a red devil.

Who are they?

Airborne Division during the w*r.

Oh, the parachute boys.

Don't think Spooner bothered with a parachute.

He's as hard as nails.

He's the one they used to lay across the barbed wire

for everyone else to run over.

[laughs]

He used to break doors down with his head.

I'm not telling him to turn his radio down.

Ah, come on. Come on.

Come on, Vienna.

Can't stand about on the stairs like that-- we don't

want another accident, do we?

Who's a naughty boy?

Mr. Rigsby.

Oh.

I really must complain about Mr. Spooner's radio.

It was on all last night.

Ah, yes, yes.

I'll tell him about it, Miss Jones.

Yes, yes. It's his leg, you see.

He can't scratch it.

Radio Luxembourg is going to help.

I hardly closed my eyes last night.

I'd never have known that, Miss Jones.

You look morning fresh as usual.

Well, I don't feel it.

I feel shattered.

I'm not surprised-- the stuff you

get on the wireless these days.

I mean, where have all the decent programs gone to, eh?

What happened to "In Town Tonight"?

I'm sure I don't know. Mr. Rigsby.

That was before my time.

Well, what about Uncle Mac, then?

Goodnight, children everywhere.

Yeah.

It still brings a lump to the throat, eh?

Well, if you could have a word with Mr. Spooner.

No sooner said than done, Miss Jones.

Thank you.

And if you--

if you find you can't sleep, you knock on my door.

All right?

I don't sleep much meself, not since Anzio.

And I'll make a cup of tea.

We can have a little chat about the old days.

Well, Mr Rigsby, I don't think our old days are quite the same.

In fact, I have very few old days.

Go on. Go on, Vienna.

Go on. Off you go.

Go on.

Don't think old Spooner wants to see you at the moment.

I better get out of your tricot.

SPOONER: Yes?

What do you want?

Ah.

Hello, Spooner.

How are you feeling?

I'll give you three guesses, Rigby.

Uh, does it hurt?

Hurt?

Of course it hurts.

What do you think it's doing?

Sobbing like mad.

All I can do is sit here staring at the goldfish.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Funny pets, goldfish.

They don't trip you up on the stairs, though, do they?

Oh, well, never mind, sir.

Hey, that's throbbing's a good sign,

eh-- shows it's getting better, eh?

Back in the ring in no time, eh, Spooner?

Uh, hey, do you want me to autograph it?

Eh?

Your leg.

No, they that in hospital.

It provides a bit of amusement.

You touch that leg, Rigsby, and I'll provide

you with a bit of amusement.

Well, I hope you're not bearing a grievance, Spooner.

I mean, you can't blame me.

And you can't blame Vienna.

It's not his fault you didn't see him.

I can't put lights on him, can I?

And, uh, I know--

I know you feel sorry for it.

He likes you, Spooner.

That's why he rubbed against your legs.

Oh, he rubbed against my legs, all right.

I'd have brought him up to see you,

only I know his fur gets up your nose.

Anyway, so long as you don't bear him any ill will--

Do you know what I'm going to do, Rigsby,

when I get out of this plaster?

No.

I'm going to get hold of that flea-ridden monster

and wring his scruffy neck.

And then you know what I'm going to do?

I'm going to beat you to death with the carcass.

Hey, listen, I wouldn't touch Vienna if I were you, mate.

Anything happens to him, what about-- what

about his little friends, eh?

Where will they go?

[chuckles] They'll be after you.

All 30,000 of you'd hear the sound of marching feet then,

Spoon.

Out!

[door shuts]

[music playing over radio]

Hey, you.

When are you going to tell Spooner about that radio?

No, no, no, no, no.

No, you must make allowances.

The man's suffering.

So are we.

At least tell him to turn it down.

You know you're so, don't you?

You never stop complaining.

Nothing suits you.

The room doesn't suit you.

The furniture doesn't suit you.

What furniture?

What do you expect for the money you pay, G Plan?

I suppose you'd like lights shining through polystyrene,

eh, occasional coffee tables, no drapes?

I'd settle for a few cushions.

Cushions.

You won't be satisfied till this place looks like the inside

of a Turkish brothel.

If I'd have put any more furniture in here,

you'd have been overcrowded.

And whose fault is that exactly?

Exactly.

Well, of course, I know tensions must arise up

here under the circumstances.

Of course.

What circumstances?

Well, nerves about to get taut, aren't they?--

you know, different ethnic groups, alien cultures.

Do you mean because I'm Black, Rigsby?

Did I say that?

Did that word pass my lips?

No, no, no, no.

I know we have to be very careful these days, don't we?

Hmm.

Look what happened to Enid Blyton.

What's Enid Blyton got to do with it?

She got into trouble because noddy didn't like golliwog.

Are you talking about me?

No, I'm talking about Enid Blyton.

But we get on perfectly well, thank you very much.

Good.

Because if there's any trouble, you'll be the one to go.

He's fireproof.

Victimized minority-- he's got rights.

What-- what about my rights?

You haven't got any.

My father told me when he brought me

up here that you'd take advantage of my good nature.

Oh, yes, yes, I remember him.

Yes, he was the one who kept jumping up and down

to see if the floor creaked.

Yeah.

He ended up with his foot through the plaster.

Yes, I remember him.

He didn't like this place either, I suppose.

ALAN: He didn't say anything.

Oh, I know the type.

Hey, listen, you should have seen some of the billets

I was in during the w*r, mate.

It would turn your stomach over.

Look, he was in the w*r.

Oh, yeah? What was he in?

The Royal Air Force.

Oh.

[laughs] Brylcreem boy.

He's bald.

Yeah.

To shower that lot, fought the w*r in carpet slippers.

- My father didn't. - Yeah.

What did he think of the room then?

- Thought it was high up. - Oh, he would.

That's typical.

Typical of the RAF.

None of them could stand heights.

You couldn't get most of them up a ladder.

How we ever won the w*r I'll never know.

Listen, we were on parade with them in Manchester.

They were a spectacle.

There was 500 of em, and they didn't make a sound.

They were like ghosts.

Do you know what they were wearing, eh?

Rubber boots.

The Women's Land Army could march better than them,

and they were pushing wheelbarrows.

Do you think the RAF was supposed to fly, not march,

Rigsby?

Oh.

You mean there was mysterious objects standing

at the end of the runway, held together with canvas and string?

No, no.

They never went near them.

They went everywhere by luxury coach.

Hey, what about 1940?

RIGSBY: Well, well.

What?

What happened?

What happened? PHILLIP: Mm.

ALAN: Mm.

The Battle of Britain, mate.

You must have heard about that even in your remote outpost.

They must have beat that out on the drums, eh?

Battle of the great iron birds--

first of a few, mate.

Churchill said, "never was so much

given by so many to so few."

"Never in the field of human conflict was so much given by--"

"--owed by so--"

"--so many to so few."

[stammers]

"--so few."

Anyway, what do we owe your father?

Right? - What do you mean?

Where was he when this glorious page of history

was being written?

Bet he wasn't doing victory rolls over Biggin Hill.

[laughs]

He was in the stores.

I thought so-- never saw an angry man.

[laughs] Yes.

Well, of course, he's not the type.

Most of them were public school, lad-- you know, born leaders.

Well, you mean just because my father didn't

talk with a plum in his mouth?

No, no, no, no.

They were born to it, you know.

He know what I mean--

all that rugby and flicking each other with wet towels.

I think they're daft.

Hey, don't let that foppish manner fool you, mate.

Underneath, they had nerves of steel,

those lads-- even if they did climb into the Spitfires

with teddy bears under their arms.

Don't you underestimate them either.

The Luftwaffe made that mistake.

Nah, you could always count on the boys in blue

when the pressure was on.

How do you know you can count on me when the pressure's on?

[laughs] You?

Yeah.

Well, it's not my fault I missed the w*r, is it?

Perhaps I could have been doing victory rolls over Biggin Hill.

[laughs] Nah, you're not a man of action.

Well, you don't know, Rigsby.

Perhaps I could have been a w*r hero.

Yeah, it's not likely, though, is it?

I mean, you've done nothing but complain about Spooner's radio.

But you won't tell him about it. You want me to do it.

Ah, well, that's different.

He is a professional wrestler.

He is a professional wrestler with one leg at the moment.

And you're still frightened of him.

Suppose he turns nasty.

Yes, but of course if you're afraid of him.

Yes. - I'm not afraid.

Oh, don't be a fool, Alan.

No, I'm not afraid.

Yes, you are.

I'll go down and tell him now.

[laughs]

Spooner's been drinking, Alan.

I don't care.

[music playing over radio]

Hello, Spooner.

What do you want?

How is your leg?

I've been looking at it.

I think they've turned it the wrong way.

I'll end up walking like a penguin.

Well, uh, shouldn't worry about it, Spooner.

They know what they're doing.

Spooner, about that transistor--

What about it?

Can I borrow it?

No.

It's all I've got-- that and the goldfish.

Remember, you were a Red Devil.

Well, that was a long time ago.

I get dizzy stepping off a pavement nowadays.

How many jumps have you had?

Eh?

Oh, 56.

[blows raspberry] Crikey.

Yeah, I could come right down to 3,000

feet and land on a sixpence.

One mistake, and they would be scraping you off the tarmac

like strawberry jam.

And in all that time, I never so much as twisted me ankle.

I was taught to fall, you see.

You came down those stairs like a sack of potatoes,

didn't you?

Well, I wasn't expecting it, was I?

That mangy cat--

I think Rigsby taught it to do that, you know.

Well, I mean, if you want any help, Spooner,

you know, like peeling your spuds, getting your medicine,

all that--

Yeah, well, thanks very much, Alan.

You know, you're the only one around here

that's shown any sympathy.

Well, I'm like that.

I mean, I can't ignore human suffering.

See?

See these hands?

Trained to heal.

I have this marvelous soothing quality.

It's amazing how quiet people become when I get near the bed.

Not that. Not that.

Ah! Oh!

Oh!

Oh.

Oh.

I had only just stop throbbing and all.

I thought you said your hands were trained to heal!

Well, they are.

Well, these hands have been trained to k*ll!

Now get out of here before I start using them!

Oh! Ow!

Ow. Oh.

Ah. - Oh, look at you, Spooner.

SPOONER: Ooh.



You know what you are, eh?

You know what you are?

A fake. - A fake?

Yeah.

I always thought wrestling was fixed.

Oh.

[laughs] What happened?

[laughs]

Can't hear anything, can you?

What, you mean you told him?

You're very pale.

I usually am when I'm angry.

Ah, I don't believe it.

Don't let this foppish manner fool you, Rigsby.

Underneath, there are nerves of steel.

I could have been up there over the Weald of Kent,

a couple of 109's before breakfast.

I looked him straight in the eye and told him he was a fake.

You said that to Spooner?

I can't believe it.

[chuckles]

Did you really say that?

Yeah.

I didn't know you had the nerve.

Ah.

It's at times like this, Phillip,

when we realize what we're really made of.

[tapping]

What's that?

It's Spooner.

He's coming for me.

[whimper]

It stopped.

Oh, don't let him get me, Phillip.

Don't let him get me.

[whimpering]

Hello, Biggles.

[light music playing]

You turned out to be a right nappy cad, didn't you, eh?

Shut it, Rigsby.

[laughs] Well, I'm not surprised.

I saw them go like that in the w*r-- you know,

all talk until the first sign of danger.

Then they fell apart.

You'd have been one of the first to crack.

And what about you, Rigsby?

Why don't you tell Spooner? - Me?

I'm not complaining. I'm a little bit amusing.

It doesn't worry me.

You won't go because Spooner threatened to wring your neck.

I'm surprised that someone who faced

the might of the German army should

be afraid of Spooner-- that is, if you did

face the might of the German army.

Oh, yes.

And what are you getting at?

Only that I always thought English heroes

were supposed to be modest.

Yeah, I'd heard that people who really saw action never

talk about it.

Oh, well, you know, why don't you?

Because nobody listens anymore. They're not interested.

They just want to forget the whole thing, that's all.

Yeah.

Oh, you're just a couple of poppies on Armistice Day.

That's about it.

Yeah, the parades get shorter every year.

They can't even be bothered to keep

quiet for the two-minute silence now.

They'd rather hold a pop festival any day.

Do you know, I often wonder what we saved

this country for, you know.

Hey, what happened to all the old traditions, eh?

What happened to-- to good-old British grit?

I think you're sweeping most of it under the carpet.

Listen, mate, I was one of the first.

I was there.

I didn't take any notice of old Chamberlain, you know.

[IMITATING NEVILLE CHAMBERLAIN] In my hand.

I have a piece of paper.

[SPEAKING NORMALLY] We all knew what he could do with that.

And I saw action, too.

Don't you make it--

now, look.

If you don't believe me, mate, what about this?

What do you think?

What do you think this is?

Looks like your nipple.

Sorry.

It's the wrong side.

Here.

What do you think that is?

That's your other nipple.

No, no, no, no.

Here, here, here.

Shrapnel, mate.

If that moves another inch, I'll be the last casualty

of World w*r II.

Oh.

[chuckles] Ah, now, here's somebody

who knows what it was like to go without during the w*r.

Without what, Mr. Rigsby?

No orange juice for you, was there, Miss Jones?

Well, I was very small. SPOONER: Yeah.

I was only a baby.

Yeah, but you must remember it, though-- you know,

ration books, gas masks, yes, Potato Pete,

Dr. Carrot, victory pies.

No, I don't remember.

I mean, I was still in my pram. - Yes.

But it was the people's w*r, though, wasn't it, Miss Jones?

I mean, everyone suffered.

Well, it was some years before I saw a banana.

Yes, there you are, you see.

My mother always insisted that we were machine gunned

coming from the vicarage.

She was pushing me in my pram.

And this Messerschmitt dived very low.

She saw the pilot quite clearly.

In fact, she swore it was somebody she'd

met in Germany before the w*r.

What she must have said to him to make him go to those lengths

I can't imagine.

Yeah?

What did you think of that, eh?

Miss Jones even defied the Luftwaffe from her pram.

That's what it was like in those days, mate--

blood, sweat, tears, sacrifice.

You lot don't know you're born.

Well, it's not my fault I was born too late, is it?

I mean, I could have made sacrifices.

You make--

[laughs]

You fly into a tantrum if you have

to go without your puffed rice.

"Sacrifice"?

You couldn't have made-- yeah, your hair's too long.

You eat too many sticky sweets.

No, you-- you know your trouble?

You never did your national service.

So what?

So what?

You could have seen the world, lad.

You could have had your own Bren g*n Carrier at 18

and a good bunch of mates.

And you wouldn't have been frightened of Spooner.

Oh, that's what I really came up about.

Mm?

We really must do something about Mr. Spooner.

Uh, oh, yes. Yes.

It was no good asking him, Miss Jones.

He came back terrified.

I wouldn't say that.

- He's right, Phillip. - Of course I'm right.

Who has to get the spiders out the bath for him?

I do. - That's true.

OK.

I'm a physical coward.

I don't mind admitting it.

SPOONER: [chuckles]

The same when I was at home--

all the dogs in the street used to bark at me, even ours.

There are different kinds of courage, Alan.

I mean, we wouldn't like to go into a ward full of smallpox.

Neither would I.

It was all a long time ago.

You don't want to listen to Rigsby's stories.

I mean, how do we know what really happened?

I beg-- are you calling me a liar?

All I'm saying is that the memory

can sometimes play tricks.

Oh, we see.

We see memory can play tricks.

Well, just you wait here a minute.

Just you wait a minute.

Now we're in for it.

What do you mean?

He'll be bringing up his burnished shell cases.

And his letter from Monte.

He'll be fighting World w*r II all over the house again--

shouting at us in German, and kicking the door down,

and telling us all those ridiculous stories.

How he knocked out a German machine g*n

nest with an empty beer bottle.

He never shuts up about the w*r.

Aye.

I stormed the house first!

[laughs] Now, then, I'll show you a thing or two.

What's that?

This?

Evidence, mate-- mementos of five years of conflict.

Well, I can't stay, Mr. Rigsby.

I really only came up to complain about Mr. Spooner.

Oh, yes, yes, of course.

No, yes, I'm getting round to it.

But you know how hasty he can be.

Spooner was a Red Devil.

Well, weren't they are on our side?

We were never quite certain.

Uh, but I'll-- I'll certainly tell him, Miss Jones.

After all, I know it is my job.

- Would you, Mr. Rigsby? - Yeah.

I'd be very grateful.

You-- are you going?

Excuse me.

Phillip, can you come outside for a moment?

My front tire needs pumping up.

It's gone flat again.

Never asks me to pump up her tires, do you notice?

Always him.

Ah, but I don't know.

But at least I thought she'd be interested in these.

Nobody's interested anymore.

Nah.

...

don't they, eh?

[chuckles]

There were no flags up for me when

I came home, no banners across the street

saying welcome home for me.

They hoped I wasn't coming.

What-- what did they ever do for the w*r effort around here, eh?

Abs-- I mean, apart from that bloke opposite, nothing.

ALAN: Well, what did he do? - Hmm?

Oh, he was the first to take his railings down for scrap iron.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, the first to put them back up again when it was over, too.

Kept them together.

- What's this? - Hmm?

Oh, ah.

Ah, then.

Ah, SS dagger.

Sharp, isn't it?

How many throats did that slit on the Night of the Long knives,

I wonder. [clatter]

Yeah, yeah, you see?

You're not used to cold steel--

all this electric shaving.

SPOONER: [SINGING] Oh, I'm a Londoner.

Oh, god, he's started to sing now.

SPOONER: [SINGING] And I love London.

[sighs] I suppose I'd better go and tell him.

I did promise her.

It would do yourself a bit of good as well.

She did say she'd be grateful.

Yeah.

What if he turns nasty, though?

Show him what you're made of.

Well, me, to ... the floor.

You're not frightened of him, are you, Rigsby?

No. No, it--

What, just because he was a Red Devil?

[chuckles] It was a long time ago, you know.

You've got nothing to worry about.

And you do want to win her respect, don't you?

Well, yes, of course.

ALAN: Well, go on, then.

Right.

[door opens and shuts]

SPOONER: [SINGING] And I love London town

Get out me bedroom

And I love London--

- Hey. - [SINGING] --town.

Hey, Spooner.

You know you can hear your voice all along the hall?

What about it?

Fantastic the way it carries, you know.

I thought you'd come in to complain about it.

Complain? No, of course not, Spooner.

No. What gave you that idea?

The last fellow to complain about it--

I snapped him like a twig.

Like a twig, eh, Spooner?

[chuckles]

He said I sang flat.

You don't think I sing flat, do you, Rigsby?

Oh, no. Spot on.

Spot on. No.

You've got a lovely voice.

Well, I'm glad about that because I'm in a nasty mood.

And when I'm in a nasty mood, I'm inclined to do nasty things,

like tying people up in knots.

You could see parts of your body you never knew existed.

Hey, Spooner.

Now, I saw action, you know.

I've seen as much action as you have, mate.

Where were you when the b*ll*ts were flying?

Floating around the heavens like a bloody mushroom.

[yells]

And, uh, don't let me have to tell you again.

That's the last time. All right?

Now, you keep that radio down.

Because you don't frighten me, Spooner.

I don't know the meaning of the word.

All right?

[yelps]

Oh, my-- what did you do that for?

It took me back years.

In fact, you frightened the life out of me.

Where did you get it?

That?

Came off a dead German, that.

Hey, where did you get that from?

Out the case.

I had almost forgotten about that.

That's my old captain's .45, that, you know?

Is it loaded?

Is it-- of course it's not loaded.

You don't leave g*ns lying around loaded.

Don't you know anything?

Oh, where's your hands?

Don't point that at me.

Well, you said it wasn't loaded.

You don't point g*ns at people.

That's the first rule.

All right?

Well, how did we win the w*r, then?

God.

Handle these things with respect, mate.

[click] Look at that.

Look at that action, eh?

It's as smooth as the day it was made.

Look at that. [g*nsh*t]

[yelping]

I thought you said it wasn't loaded.

[gasping] I must have left one in.

I could have sworn I emptied it.

The point is, where's it gone?

Out of the line of sight.

[stammers] It'll be embedded in the plaster somewhere, I expect.

Hey.

There's a hole in Spooner's door.

What are you talking about?

Oh, my god.

I'll tell you something else as well.

What?

He stopped singing.

Spooner?

Spooner?

Hey.

Hey, Spoon.

[chuckles] I've shot him.

Are you sure?

Oh, god, I know a dead man when I see one.

Oh, no.

God, what am I going to do?

I couldn't go to prison.

I-- I'm too old.

My heart would never stand it.

I'm surprisingly calm under the circumstances.

I thought I'd be more upset.

You should have been where Spooner was.

Oh, god.

[stammers] I must have time to think.

Oh, Mr. Rigsby, have you told Mr. Spooner yet?

No, but he won't listen now.

Well, I can't stand it any longer.

I'll tell him myself.

No, you can't go in there.

Why not?

Rigsby's just shot him.

What?

Because he wouldn't turn his radio down?

Wasn't that rather drastic, Mr. Rigsby?

Sorry.

I didn't mean to do it, Miss Jones.

But it was an accident.

And I didn't do it on purpose.

I could never hit a barn door.

I thought you said you were trained to k*ll.

Whose side are you on?

Shouldn't we look at him or something?

Oh, no. No, I couldn't go in.

I never could stand the sight of blood.

You go.

Oh, god. Spoon.

Spoon.

And he was so alive just a minute ago.

[sighs] [groans]

[cat yelps]

Come on.

Hey, wait a minute.

There's a faint pulse.

It's very fast.

Alan, you're holding his wristwatch.

[chuckles] Oh, I can't find it.

Have you got a mirror?

This is no time to be thinking about your appearance, Alan.

Poor Mr. Spooner.

We were so unkind to him.

Can't you do anything?

It's too late now.

Death has cheated me again.

Poor Spooner.

MISS JONES: Ah!

[laughter]

Shh.

I couldn't. I couldn't.

No. Is he--

Oh, come along.

Oh, my god.

Oh, Spoon, Spoon.

He doesn't look too bad under the circumstances, does he?

Oh, Spoon, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean it.

It was an accident.

I didn't do it on purpose.

I promise I'll never do it again.

I mean-- oh, Spoon, what can I say?

Oh, god.

Just say one last word.

Can you ever forgive me, Spooner?

No, I can't, Rigsby!

I've been trying to get to sleep for two days.

And when I finally manage it, you're whispering to me

or sh**ting b*ll*ts through the door.

You rotten sod.

You could have given me a heart attack.

I've aged 10 years.

Come on, Rigsby.

I thought I'd never smile again.

That's the biggest laugh I've had

since I tripped over the cat.

What's the matter, Rigsby?

Where's your sense of humor?

Can't you see the funny side of it?

No, I cannot.

Where did the b*llet end up then, eh?

Hey, that's a point. PHILLIP: Yeah.

Oh.

Your poor little goldfish.

What?

He's on the carpet, Mr. Spooner!

RIGSBY: [laughs]

Well, don't just stand there.

Put him in water.

Hey, if you don't come around, Spooner,

I can have him for the cat. - Rigsby!

Let me at him.

RIGSBY: Where's your sense of humor?

You wait, Rigsby! I'll get you!

[applause]

[theme music playing]