02x07 - Things That Go Bump in the Night

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[audio logo]

[theme music]

Are we going in?

It's, um, cold out here.

Yeah, but we got to watch out for Rigsby.

He don't like it if we're in late.

It's only half past 10.

Is that the time?

Look, the evening has just flown by.

What a night, hey, Brend.

Yeah, - I--

I thought you'd like "Doctor Zhivago."

I've seen it three times.

I, uh, hope you didn't mind the kiss.

What kiss?

Well, I kissed you on the cheek

just before the Cossacks cut up the peasants.

Oh, I am sorry, Alan.

I thought you caught me with your ice lolly.

[chuckles]

No, that was me.

BRENDA: Well, I was a bit distracted at the time.

Omar Sharif's eyes had just begun to fill with tears.

Oh, he was lovely.

Yeah, but he was up there, Brenda, celluloid.

I was down here.

Yeah.

I couldn't take me eyes off ya.

I tell you what, if them street lamps

hadn't been on the way home, anything could have happened.

Could have cut through the churchyard.

Ah.

Yeah, well, I-- I don't like to, you know, with all

the deceased lying around.

BRENDA: Why?

Are you scared. - No.

Scared of Rigsby?

No, I'm not.

RIGSBY: Who's that out there?

Quick, up the stairs.

Oh, might've known.

Another five minutes, I'll lock that door.

Mind the milk bottles.

[glass clinks]

Yeah, clumsy twit.

You did that deliberately, Rigsby.

I don't know why you don't have searchlights and barbed wire.

It's like trying to get into Stalag Luft 7, this is.

I like to know who was prowling about, all right?

ALAN: And will you stop waiting for me to come home?

You're worse than me mom.

You should be glad I take an interest.

Have you been drinking? - No, I haven't.

And even if I have, it's no business of yours.

I'd like to live me own life.

Look, look, look.

I just don't want you getting into bad company, that's all.

Now over to your parents.

You've already knocked off Holy Communion and the scouts.

Where is it going to end?

ALAN: Well, I just don't want you spying on me, that's all.

Who's spying? I'm not spying.

Of course, if you want to be bloody secretive.

I'm not secretive.

Where have you been, then?

As a matter of fact, I have been to see "Doctor Zhivago."

Ah.

What did he say?

What?

Well, you say you're not secretive.

I didn't even know you were ill.

Is it the prickly heat again?

Look, Rigsby, "Doctor Zhivago" happens to be a film.

It deals with man's disillusionment

with the Russian Revolution.

You didn't have to go out and see that.

I've been disillusioned with it for years.

It's a good film. You ought see it.

You ought to out more. - Meh.

I can see all the films I want on television.

[scoffs]

What sort of films can you see on there?

Good films.

Such as?

What good films have you seen recently?

Recently, I've seen, uh, "Dracula,"

uh, "Dracula's Daughter," uh, "Frankenstein and the Monster."

Is that all you've watched?

No, no, I've seen "The Mummy's Hand" as well.

Wouldn't that tell you something about yourself?

What do you mean?

Well, they're all horror films.

I like horror films.

Yeah, but don't it indicate the state of your mind?

Well, there's nothing wrong with my mind.

[scoffs]

Well, you won't catch me watching all that rubbish.

You still watching anything like that, I would have to leave

the lights on all night.

[chuckles]

You get frightened watching "Scooby Doo."

I don't get frightened.

I just happen to think that it's all rather childish.

Oh, yes.

What happened when we watched "Psycho?"

You went to the lavatory 14 times.

You hardly saw any of it.

I saw most of it.

You didn't see the murders, though, did you?

Yes, I did. [chuckles]

Saw them through the crack in the door.

Oh, yeah. [chuckles]

I shall never forget you that night.

You went to bed shaking like a leaf, clutching your panda.

[chuckles]

One good thing, you stopped you hanging about the bathroom.

Well, that film ought to tell you something,

because the m*rder*r had a split mind.

Probably got it from watching too many horror films.

They're very interesting, those films.

They're very educational.

Oh, yeah, if you want to know how

to k*ll a vampire or a black mass or invoke the devil.

RIGSBY: As a matter of fact, those films

are a manifestation of the eternal struggle

between good and evil, revealing the darker side of human nature.

Where'd you get that from?

I heard that on film night.

Well, I mean, these things don't exist, Rigsby.

It's all superstition.

Oh, I wouldn't be too sure, mate.

Have you ever met a vampire?

Get down to the tax office.

[tuts]

I'm being serious.

Look, look, look, anyone can be a vampire, anyone.

Apart from having two rather prominent choppers

and sleeping in a coffin, there's nothing to distinguish

them from anyone else.

Oh, yes, and if you do suspect anyone's a vampire, use garlic.

They won't come anywhere near ya.

Neither will anyone else.

Hmm.

Oh, yes, and watch your jugular vein.

Oh, yes, and carry a sharp wooden stake.

But not in your trouser pocket, of course.

[chuckles]

Rigsby, you surely don't believe all this rubbish?

Well, all right, all right, all right.

Take the werewolf.

By day, a humble bank clerk, but at night, starts turning rather

hairy, takes off his white collar and cuff-links,

dashes out onto the common.

You'll probably take him for an Alsatian.

I wouldn't take him for anything.

I don't believe in the supernatural.

Oh, yes, you won't go through the churchyard late at night,

though, will you?

Not with all those bodies lying about.

It doesn't worry me, Rigsby.

I'm a man of medicine.

When they're dead, they're dead.

They certainly are when you're finish with them.

Oh, yes, you are very brave in here,

aren't you, with these lights.

Wait till you get out there in the corridor under the 40 watts.

It'll be different there.

It's an old house, as you know, very dark.

Strange things can happen.

There's been a lot of unhappiness here, you know.

I've got news for you, Rigsby, there still is.

Hi.

Well?

How did you get on?

All right.

Where did you go?

Um, I took her to see "Doctor Zhivago."

Thought I'd get her in a nice, romantic mood.

That was good thinking. But did it work?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

She fell in love with Omar Sharif.

You mean you blew it?

I didn't blow it.

- Did you kiss her? - Yeah.

PHILIP: Where?

In the balcony.

I mean, where about?

On the cheek.

On the cheek?

Well, she was eating an ice lolly at the time,

didn't like the flavor.

Well, what happened?

There was a big sigh.

That could have been a sign of encouragement.

No, no, it wasn't Brenda.

There's a bloke sitting behind me, couldn't see.

Dug me in the shoulder blades with his pipe.

Spent the rest of the night spitting

bits of tobacco down me neck.

You blew it after all the trouble I went to.

I didn't blow it.

Look, the cinema's not the right place, is it?

Huh?

I haven't got a car.

I'm the first pedestrian she's ever been out with.

You should have seen her eyes go up when I caught the bus.

Let's face it, Philip, she probably doesn't even like me.

Of course, she likes you.

Why do you think she went out with you?

Did it for a bet.

Al, you've got to get more confidence.

After all, she prefers you to Rigsby.

That's saying a lot, isn't it?

I mean, she'd prefer King Kong to Rigsby.

I think he's after trouble.

What do you mean?

Keeps watching me.

Dashing about like a Butlin's Redcoat.

Now he's telling me the house is haunted.

Oh, that's just to make sure you stay in your room.

And he's lecturing me on morals.

He's playing on your psychological fears.

Is that why he's always on about me prickly heat?

Precisely.

He wants you to associate Brenda with prickly heat.

Well, he's not getting away with it.

I'll see her again, put a word in for you.

Hey, what will you say?

I'll say that underneath you're

a very exciting and interesting person.

Thanks.

Underneath what?

Your shyness.

I'll tell her it's your natural modesty.

Yeah, modesty, yeah.

That's my trouble.

I'm too modest.

And don't forget to mention me exceptional good looks.

I won't.

[chuckles]

MAN: Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

[mumbles]

Rigsby, it's you.

What's the matter?

Oh, I've got an awful, nasty turn coming up the stairs.

Come sit down.

Let me get you something to drink.

Oh.

I think it was that conversation we had.

You know, they-- they don't like it when

you're frivolous about them.

Who don't?

Them.

Them out there.

Oh, an awful feeling.

I-- I felt I was being taken over, you know, transformed.

Well, I still feel very strange even now.

You better drink this.

All right, thanks.

Oh, Rigsby!

Oh God, it's happened to me!

[laughs]

You've got a distorted sense of humor, Rigsby!

Hey, you see?

Just an experiment.

You see, when your brain tells you one thing,

your eyes tell you something else,

you always end up believing your eyes.

You're just trying to frighten me.

Philip was right. - Philip?

[chuckles]

I shouldn't take too much notice of him.

He'd have been worse than you. - No, he wouldn't.

He would.

He's petrified.

He's riddled with superstition.

They all are.

You know, when they first had petrol stations out there,

they spent three years worshipping the pumps.

He'd have been down on his knees if he'd seen this.

- No, he wouldn't. - He would.

His eyes would have started to roll,

his hands would have flapped.

He would have gone, oh, lordy, lordy,

I'm frightened of this thing, lordy.

Hey, he's coming. He's coming.

Look. Watch this.

Watch this. I got this down the road.

He'd be petrified.

[chuckles]

[making zombie noises]

Eh-ha!

Hello, Rigsby.

I'd change that soap if I were you.

[alan laughs]

All right.

That's just because you knew it was me, wasn't it?

But, I mean, if it had been some ghastly apparition,

now that would have been a different matter, wouldn't it?

What do you mean a different matter?

Well, I mean, if--

very funny.

I mean, if I'd have been some-- some dreadful mutation,

some alien being, you know, I mean, then--

I mean, if I'd have been the gray lady now.

[chuckles]

Who's the gray lady?

Oh, yes, you've not met her, have you?

No, she's supposed to haunt this place.

Have you seen her, Rigsby?

RIGSBY: N-- no, I haven't, thank you very much.

They say if you do, your days are numbered.

But I'll tell you this, I've often been in one of the rooms

and felt a sudden coldness in the air and, you know,

heard the swish of her dress.

She's supposed to be walled up somewhere.

Don't worry me.

Doesn't worry me either, except when

I'm stripping the wallpaper.

ALAN: I don't believe ya.

No, well, may not believe me, but I wouldn't go roaming

around late at night, though.

You never know, eh?

Good night.

You don't appreciate this, you two.

He never stops, does he?

Just trying to frighten us.

Um.

I've seen Brenda.

She says, why don't you go down?

She's made some coffee.

Oh, well, I don't know.

It is rather late.

He has frightened you.

No, it's not that.

It's just that he's watching me all the time.

I'll never get near the door.

You know, he's very keen on ghosts.

I think we ought to give him one.

What do you mean?

Ba-doom.

Hey, that's very nice.

When do you wear that?

When you're smoking your pipe?

It's for the fancy dress rag parade.

Well, slip it on. I'd love to see you in it.

No, no, no, no.

I was thinking of the gray lady.

[scatting]

Oh.

Oh, Brenda.

Oh, that smells nice.

Oh, two cups, eh?

Yeah.

You've been out this evening, Brenda, have you?

Yeah, I've been to see "Doctor Zhivago."

Ah. Hmm.

Yes, it's always been a favorite film of mine that, yes.

Particularly the way it deals with a man's disillusionment

with the Russian Revolution.

Oh.

Oh, so that's what it was about.

I did think Omar Sharif was good.

Oh, yes, I've always liked her.

Yeah, she's very good.

I was, uh, thinking, Brenda, perhaps she'd like to come

downstairs for a bite to eat?

BRENDA: Oh, yeah.

I could send out for something, you know.

What? Meals on wheels?

[chuckling]

Very good, yes.

Yes, I like a girl with a sense of humor, yes.

Yes, I-- I don't think Alan will be coming down.

He gets a bit jittery this time of the night.

You may have noticed.

He thinks this place is haunted, keeps

talking about the gray lady.

Oh.

Well, I don't like the sound of that, ghosts.

Well, nothing to worry about as long

as you're not on your own, eh? [chuckles]

What was that?

Huh?

I thought I heard a sort of moan.

Have no fear.

Rigsby's here.

[chuckles]

[moaning]

Well, there it goes again.

Yes.

P-- probably the cat.

Touch your heart pad.

I think you better go and see.

Uh, yes, yes.

I'll-- I'll go and investigate.

Vienna?

Vienna, is that you?

Vienna?

Vienna?

[shrieks]

[screams]

Shh!

It's only me.

Alan.

what are you dressed like that for?

To frighten Rigsby?

[chuckling]

Well, you certainly succeeded.

You're not angry?

No.

Well, now you're here, why don't you take your frock off?

Shh!

Alan's asleep.

God, I wish I was.

What's the matter, Rigsby?

You look as if you'd seen a ghost.

What?

[chuckles]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Philip, you, uh, you haven't had a woman up here, have you?

No, Rigsby.

I thought that was against the rules.

Yes yes, it is, but I wouldn't mind this once if you were

to tell me the truth, you know.

Big-ish sort of girl, rather old-fashioned, wearing a bonnet.

Sort of distracted, moaning and wringing her hands.

Doesn't sound like my type, Rigsby.

No, I must be mistaken.

Yes, I knew I shouldn't have had that double Gloucester.

Rigsby, if you saw a woman, there's bound

to be some logical explanation.

Yes, that's what I thought. I mean, she had this bonnet on.

I suppose she could have been in the Salvation Army,

couldn't she?

Imagine there was no sign of a tambourine.

And there was this wailing noise.

Doesn't it sound like the Salvation Army.

No.

Man, you should hear them on Sundays.

PHILIP: It was probably the wind in the chimney.

Yes.

Where did you see her?

No, I didn't actually see her.

I only thought I saw her.

She was going towards Brenda's room.

That's it.

[shrieks]

Oh, God!

What did you do that for?

PHILIP: Shh, Alan.

It was probably Brenda.

No, no, no, no.

It couldn't have been Brenda because I just left her.

Hey.

Hey, do you reckon she's all right?

Perhaps you ought to go and see.

I wouldn't disturb her now, Rigsby.

It's late. - Ha ha.

Scared, eh? [chuckles]

Ah, yes, yes.

Old voodoo rearing its ugly head.

Yes, I thought I saw the whites of your eyes.

Yes, you can't eradicate a thousand years of superstition

overnight.

You better leave this to me.

Then I'll go down and check on it.

Right.

anybody in the corridor had better look out.

I'm coming out there.

Don't you think you'd better go now?

What?

Oh, yeah.

You know, we ought to do this more often, Brenda.

It was terrific.

Yeah, what's showing next week?

What?

At the pictures.

Oh.

Uh, what did we see tonight?

"Doctor Zhivago."

Well, I think I've gone off the pictures.

Brenda, you're terrific.

Yeah, do you feel all right?

Yeah.

Prickly heat gone now?

Yeah.

Yeah, I don't think I'll ever have it again.

[chuckles]

You know, Brenda, you make me feel-- you make me feel--

BRENDA: Terrific.

Yeah.

You know, I've got--

I've got this, uh, sort of funny thing with girls.

You know, I'm always worried.

I ain't got much confidence.

And I always think they're going to do something terrible,

like fall asleep, you know.

You-- you make me feel like a man, Brenda.

Those two don't think I'm a man.

Oh, don't be silly, Alan.

Of course, you're a man.

Don't forget to put your dress on before you go.

[eerie music]

[shrieking]

Oh, God!

No, Rigsby!

I've seen it again.

Keep your voice down!

Alan is trying to sleep.

My god, she's a sight!

She got wild hair and feet like barges.

No wonder they walled her up.

All right, Rigsby, come on.

We won't get any peace until we've solved this thing.

Come on.

After you, mate.

[shrieks] BRENDA: What's the matter?

- Rigsby is coming. - What are we going to do?

I've got to hide.

I thought you said you weren't afraid of him.

I can't fight him in a dress, can I?

I'd never live it down. - You have to hide.

Um. [knocking on door]

[exclaiming]

In the back.

RIGSBY: Brenda, are you all right?

PHILIP: Um. BRENDA: What is it?

Rigsby thinks he's seen a ghost.

What you mean think? I saw all right.

An enormous woman with great big feet.

She didn't come in here, did she?

Oh, no.

There's been no women in here.

Well, I saw it.

- Perhaps you're psychic. - That's it.

What?

Oh God, I wish you'd stop doing that.

It's the gray lady.

She's trying to get in touch with you.

Well, I wish she'd give me a ring

instead of jumping out and frightening

me to death like that.

You know what we ought to do?

Hold a seance. - Hold a se--

What do you mean?

How'd you do that?

Well, you put the lights out and you hold hands.

Put the lights-- you must be joking.

I'm game.

Oh, yeah?

What?

To put-- to put the, uh-- right.

Well, I suppose if we're all together,

it wouldn't be no harm.

What do we do then?

I'll put the lights out.

Now, we get around the table.

Oh, right.

[exclaiming]

I'm sorry, Brenda.

[chuckles]

Quite firm.

Are you ready?

What do we do now?

We join hands and we try and get in touch with her.

She might manifest herself.

She won't be the only one.

[chanting]

Shh.

RIGSBY: Oops, sorry.

Are you there?

Yes, I'm sitting next to you.

Shut up, Rigsby.

Are you there, lady in gray?

Do you wish to speak to us?

Knock once for no and twice for yes.

[two knocks] - Hey, come on.

Which one of you did that? - How could we?

We were holding hands.

Now, come on!

Who is it you wish to speak to?

Oh, God, I hope it's not me.

Is it, Rigsby? [two knocks]

RIGSBY: Tell her I'm out.

What is it you wish to say to Rigsby?

[moaning]

What's she saying?

[IN A WOMAN'S VOICE] Roses are red, violets are blue.

Your talents are sweet.

What happened to you?

Where is she getting that?

ALAN [IN WOMAN'S VOICE]: I'm alone and unhappy.

I'm not surprised with feet like that.

ALAN [IN WOMAN'S VOICE]: You make me unhappy, Rigsby.

You're cruel.

Be kind to them before it's too late.

Money isn't everything.

Don't be an old skinflint.

Hey, now, wait a minute.

ALAN [IN WOMAN'S VOICE]: I shan't rest until you do.

A man was cruel to me.

He should have done something with your hair, love.

Is You think I'm going to be fooled by that?

You've got a tape recorder behind there.

[shrieking]

[wood creaking]

Be gone, you bloody fiend.

Oh.

Uh, Mr. Rigsby, um, you left a message at the vicarage.

They said it was a matter of some urgency.

Yes, that's right, vicar.

[mumbles]

Sorry.

I-- I'm in need of your services, vicar.

Well, that is good news, Mr. Rigsby.

I didn't expect to see you until the last rites.

Well, I'm delighted.

Does that mean to say you're going to join

our little congregation?

Well, I'm not a big church girl, vicar.

Yeah, I had noticed, Mr. Rigsby.

Well, it's the old leg wound.

You see, I couldn't get into the pew, you know.

I'd be forced to stand during prayers.

Oh, we wouldn't mind, Mr. Rigsby.

Well, it's not only that.

I had a very nasty experience in your church.

Oh, no fault of yours.

No, the vicar before you.

Decrepit old s-- um.

Rather frail old chap.

Dropped me in the font during the christening.

I've never been back since, except for remembrance Sunday,

of course, yes.

Now I have to do most of my praying

while I'm walking about because of the leg, yes.

Still, I think you can be a good Christian

without going to church. Don't you, vicar?

Ah, yes.

I mean, look at the curate.

[clears throat]

Well, what exactly did you want

to see me about, Mr. Rigsby?

Yes, yes.

I want you to do a spot of exorcizing.

I beg your pardon.

This place is haunted.

Haunted?

Oh dear, I don't like the sound of that.

Well, I must say, I'm a shade disappointed

in your reaction, vicar?

This could be a big opportunity for you,

you know, a lot of publicity, national press, pictures.

Vicar flays evil spirits.

I could have sent for the Catholics.

They'd have been round here like a shot.

It's just that I'm a little nervous about that sort

of thing. - You're nervous?

What about me?

Well, I don't think you got any right to be nervous.

If I send for an electrician, I don't expect him to tell me

he's terrified of electricity.

Tell me, has anyone seen this, uh, manifestation?

Yes, I have, vicar.

It's in the room above, a big woman with wild hair

and enormous feet.

I don't know why she chose me, I'm sure, because I

must be sensitive to spirits.

Yes, I had heard.

I've got a feeling you don't believe me, vicar.

I-- I didn't say that, Mr. Rigsby.

It's just there must be some natural explanation.

Oh, natural explanation?

I can see you're going to be found

wanting on the Judgment Day.

Yes, I can see where you'll be at the last trump,

under the bloody bed.

Well, there's no need to be angry, Mr. Rigsby.

It's just that I want to avoid too much spiritual excitement.

It's bad for the digestion.

Look, why don't you see the curate?

He's had more experience of unquiet spirits.

He runs the whist drives.

RIGSBY: Him?

Oh, yeah, the one who's always playing cricket, yes.

Well, the season's over, Mr. Rigsby.

Yes, I suppose he'll have his pads off by now.

Yes, I do want him coming round here like Peter West,

though, hitting the devil for six and playing a straight bat.

You know, I'm sure he weren't.

All that sort of rubbish.

I was hoping for the bishop.

Looks as if I'm going to end up with the vicar's runner.

Well, I want a professional job.

You know, the holy water sprinkled over everything,

the lot. - Well, we'll have to see.

We're not the national health, you know.

God, you've changed your tune.

You were all smiles when you came round about the organ fund.

Yes, I wonder if this apparition could be the voice

of your conscience, Mr. Rigsby.

The voice-- there's nothing wrong with my conscience, vicar.

Come on, what are you going to do about it?

Well, I'll see the curate, see what we can do.

Ah.

In the meantime, remember what I said, Mr. Rigsby,

examine your conscience.

Have we left undone those things which we ought to have done?

Yes, right.

Thank you very much, vicar, yes.

Good day.

Knew we'd get the commercial.

Alan?

I wish-- Oh.

Alan, sorry to wake you up, but I want to have a word with you.

Alan?

You little sod.

[thudding]

What was that?

What?

I thought I heard a noise on the stairs.

[chuckles] - Perhaps it was the gray lady.

Boo!

Alan, the door.

Quick.

Oh, uh.

Oh, do excuse us.

We're looking for Mr. Rigsby.

Well, he's not here.

Is this the room where she reveals herself?

What?

It is. It is.

Can't you sense the air of excitement?

Now, Gordon, don't let's get carried away.

I suppose you two were sitting here on the sofa

waiting for things to develop.

Well, yes.

Splendid.

I want to take some pictures.

I've got my flash. You don't mind?

- Hey? - Good.

I want to take something really interesting

for the parish magazine.

Make a change from the over-sixties.

Yeah, I'm sure it would.

Now, Gordon, don't get overexcited.

Should we put the lights out again?

Then we can all get stuck in.

Gordon!

I'm sure we're going to get a manifestation.

You're just heading for another big disappointment.

I think he's right, Gordon.

[moaning]

Shh.

I can hear something.

[footsteps approaching]

Listen.

She's coming!

[shrieking]

VICAR: Mr. Rigsby!

We've been bowled a googly.

I can explain, vicar. You see, there's--

Don't bother!

Yes, but--

You don't need a priest, Mr. Rigsby.

You need a doctor.

Yes, but not--

The things people do to draw attention to themselves.

Curate, if I could just explain.

Don't bother, Mr. Rigsby.

You've been clean, bowled.

Yeah, but look--

they'll tell you.

Look.

That's right, cast the first stone.

Typical Church of England.

I think your sermons are rubbish.

Only work one day a week anyway.

Oh, God, marvellous.

Hello, Philip.

You got a light?

Thank you.

Uh.

Thanks.

You know something, Rigsby?

Yeah?

We just can't go on meeting like this.

Hey!

[theme music]