02x08 - For the Man Who Has Everything

[bunniefuu]

[music playing]

Have you noticed something, Vienna, hey?

Not a sound.

We're all alone.

There's no doubt about it.

There's been a definite decline in my popularity this year.

Here we are, Boxing Day, and not one invitation to share

the flowing bowl, not one request for my company

around the piano.

Can't even find anyone to pull my cr*cker.

You're not bothered, are you?

Just another day to you, isn't it, hey?

Just another day, another meal, another hole in the flowerbed.

Oh, God.

He's here now.

But he's not getting a Christmas box, I'll tell you.

Oh.

Merry Christmas, Mr. Rigsby.

Just popped in to wish you the compliments of the season.

Oh, yes.

I thought you might have missed me this week.

Would have been difficult that we have

been rattling those bottles.

Oh, you did hear me then, hey?

Right.

What about my double cream?

We've run out.

We've had a very big demand this Christmas.

And what am I supposed to do?

What am I supposed to put on me pineapple chunks?

Well, I'm sorry about that, mate.

You're not sorry.

Just because you have it in a Christmas box, isn't it?

I suppose this is what they call the milkman's revenge, hey?

Two bottles of dirty water.

- I said I'm sorry. - I don't ask much.

And I thought I could depend on my double cream.

Yeah, but it's the first time.

And I've never let you down before, have I?

We've never had the right milk since you came back from

the Costa Brava, flashing your suntan, singing "Viva España"

at 6:00 in the morning.

I very nearly complained to the dairy, I'll tell you that.

I see. I see.

I suppose you think milkmen shouldn't

go to the Costa Brava, hey? - They shouldn't.

It gives them ideas.

Get an attack of the mañanas and start

forgetting the double cream.

You know what you've become, don't you, hey?

A lotus eater.

I've never touched the stuff.

No.

Food?

No, you've become what they call a pleasure seeker.

I've seen your van standing outside Mrs.

Bailey's all morning.

What are you getting at?

Yes, yes, we haven't missed it.

The council have been waiting three

months to sweep that gutter.

I've never had any complaints anyway.

Sure, you haven't, not from Mrs. Bailey, anyway.

I noticed she'd been getting her curlers out very early

these mornings. - I should have known better.

I shouldn't have come in here.

I knew I'd get insulted.

No wonder you're spending Christmas on your own, Rigsby.

As a matter of fact, I prefer spending Christmas on my own.

I happen to believe this is a religious festival, all right?

FRED: Oh, yeah? - Yes, yes.

Quite happy here, away from all the greed and hypocrisy.

Now, I happen to think Christmas is

far too commercial these days.

Not around here it isn't, mate.

Oh, all right. Here we are.

I suppose I'll never hear the end of it if you don't have it,

eh?

Here, Merry Christmas.

Look at that.

Are you sure you can afford this?

You can always give it back if you feel insulted.

No, Rigsby, I'm going to keep this.

I'll put it on my watch chain.

Yes, I should do if I were you.

It might help you to remember the double cream.

Maybe.

Merry Christmas, Scrooge.

Same to you, Speedy Gonzalez.

What are they coming to these days?

[meows]

No, I'm sorry.

No double cream for you, mate.

And it's no good flexing your claws.

You should have tried them on him while he was here.

God, what a Christmas.

That mistletoe was a waste of money.

I don't see Sophie Loren dropping in for a mince pie

at this rate.

[knock on door]

Mr. Rigsby.

Yes, that's right, yes.

I simply had to pop in with this.

I think it's a Christmas card.

What's so unusual about that?

After all, it is Christmas. - Yes, but--

Yes, I'll put it with all the others that have deluged

upon me this festive season.

Thank you.

There aren't any cards, are there?

You see, I pass this out every day.

I couldn't help noticing.

I've seen your face pressed up against the window,

and I longed to bring you a card.

That's why I was so delighted when that one turned up.

Have you been drinking?

No, certainly not.

It is rather unusual to get a delivery by hand these days.

I thought, perhaps, you couldn't find the litter box.

I don't drink, Mr. Rigsby, not when I'm riding my bicycle.

Well, it is Boxing Day.

I thought you might have had the odd stirrup cup.

After all, your manner is slightly strange.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to intrude.

As a matter of fact, there's a perfectly

logical explanation why I haven't had any cards this year.

I told everyone I was spending Christmas with my brother.

Probably sent the cards on there.

Well, I'm surprised he didn't send the cards back.

You don't know my brother.

He'll be working on them with an ink rub right now,

use them next year.

Yes, it's the same when we were kids.

He'd have the silver paper off your Tangerine

before you could say, knife.

So you're all alone?

RIGSBY: Yes, yes.

What about your tenants?

Oh, they're all away for Christmas.

Still, I don't care.

I don't want them here steaming the place up

with the Christmas puddings.

They're not bothered about me anyway.

They wouldn't give me a second thought, one of them.

Aw, I think that's very sad.

Why don't you have a drink while you hear, Miss?

Gwen.

Gwen, oh, that's a nice name.

No, no thank you.

I am on duty.

Oh, I'm sure the postmaster general won't mind.

You-- are you married, Gwen?

No.

No.

[laughs]

I suppose you never had the time, hey?

Out in all weathers, fighting your way through snowdrifts.

Yes.

Still, I must say, it's done wonders

for your complexion, hey?

Certainly brought the roses to your cheek.

Thank you, Mr. Rigsby.

Oh, goodness me.

What?

Oh, we appear to be standing under the mistletoe, look.

Are you?

You can't quarrel with fate, hey?

- Mr. Rigsby, I'm in uniform. - It's all right.

I don't mind.

Mr. Rigsby, please, you're tampering with the Royal Mail.

That's a criminal offense.

Oh, it's like that, is it?

Well, I am on duty.

Well, would you excuse me?

I'd just like to read my correspondence.

Yes.

I'm sorry. - It's all right.

No skin off my nose.

Could have been your lucky day, that's all.

Merry Christmas, Mr. Rigsby.

Yes, yes.

Oh, and happy New Year.

Yes, yes, happy New Year.

Probably some solitary, miserable coward.

All the best, Rigsby.

Happy Christmas, and a--

oh, God, my writing's getting worse than ever.

Well then, Brenda, alone at last.

What about Rigsby?

No, he's spending Christmas with his brother.

Can you imagine them two together?

Setting the dogs on the Salvation Army.

Leeching pennies off the carol singers.

What a Christmas.

What about our Christmas?

That wasn't so hot.

What do you mean?

Well, I spent most of it rolling ba*ls of wool.

Your mother doesn't like me, does she?

She's just got to get used to you, that's all.

You know what mothers are like.

Yeah, I know what your mother's like.

She spoils you.

I wouldn't say that.

Then why does she blow in your potatoes?

She doesn't, only when they're hot.

You're going to get a shock when you get married.

No, no, I wouldn't expect you to blow on my potatoes.

You see, the trouble is, my mother,

she's a little bit jealous.

Yeah, I suppose that's why she looped all

that wool around my hands, in case

I made a lightning attack on you.

Well, look, we're all on our own now.

There's no one to disturb us.

Why don't you slip into something more comfortable.

You must be joking.

It's freezing in here.

I'm going to have a bath and get warm.

Hey, that's a good idea.

Shall I bring my loofah?

No, thanks.

Look, you go and have your bath,

and I'll nip down to Rigby's room, borrow his fire,

and bring it up her, warm the room up a bit.

Oh, will it be all right?

Yeah, of course. I told you.

He's spending Christmas with his brother.

I wouldn't bring you back here if he'd have been here, would I?

He's got this mistletoe.

He sits under it like a praying mantis.

No one's safe.

Yeah, I can imagine.

Well, see you later. - Yeah, I tell you what.

I'll bring down the bath salts that I bought you for Christmas

and pop in and scrub your back.

Everybody must have bought her bath salts for Christmas.

I see we're in for an undisturbed night of bliss.

Yes?

Rigsby.

Who'd you think it was?

The ghost of Christmas past?

I thought you were spending Christmas with your brother.

Well, I'm not.

I thought you were spending Christmas with your parents.

Well, I'm not.

You're on your own?

Yeah.

At Christmas time?

Yeah, what difference does that make?

It's just the same as any other time,

except everyone's on the scrounge.

It's already had the milkman.

It'll be the newspaper boy next.

Oh, he's due his self, he'll tell you.

[overlapping speech] - --that front gate, hey?

Martin Bormann lives here.

And he won't be getting anything for a start.

I'll tell you that.

Look, Rigsby, you can't go on like this.

They will think Martin Bormann lives here.

You're becoming a recluse.

Got to get out, get some fresh air.

You ought to get out and about and do something.

Just because it's Christmas--

it's a big fiddle.

I don't believe in it.

Well, what have you got the mistletoe for?

Well, that's traditional.

Old habits die hard.

You're telling me.

Hey, you've even got a cr*cker.

Just happened to find it lying around.

Shall we pull it?

Can if you like.

Oh, I hate it when they go bang, don't you?

Begin to tense up, hey?

Anyone can see you've never been under fire.

I see you got the big end.

Hey.

It's my cr*cker.

Here, you can have the paper hat.

You know, you're really mean, you are.

You don't change, do you, even at Christmas time?

Nobody asked you to come down and see me.

What did you want anyway, to come down and see me for?

Yes, just a minute.

You thought I was away.

What did you come in here for, hey?

Well, I just popped in to--

RIGSBY: Yes, to what?

To leave you a present.

A present?

You bought me a present?

Yeah.

Where is it?

It's here.

Bath salts?

Devon violets.

Are you trying to be funny?

I know it's not much, but it's the thought that counts.

It's the thought that worries me.

Are you suggesting I'm lacking in personal freshness?

You have a bath every Friday.

I know that.

Every Friday, whether I need it or not.

I didn't know you were going to take this attitude.

I shouldn't have bothered.

I'm so-- I'm sorry.

Yes, I'm sorry, Alan.

It's me.

It's been so long since anybody-- here,

have a mince pie.

I'm sorry.

Here, here, have a drink.

You're right.

It's no fun having Christmas on your own.

I realized that yesterday after dinner.

Had no one to pull a wishbone with.

Look, I had to do it all on my own.

At least you got the wish.

Hasn't come true, though, has it,

unless you've seen a nubile young female floating

around the flimsy negligee.

Cheers.

Here you-- oh, Rigsby.

[music playing]

[vocalizing]

What you looking so pleased about?

No, you're not going up there, are you?

Why not?

It's what I wished for.

Hey, it's never worked before.

It must be all those hormones they keep feeding them.

Rigsby, it's just a coincidence.

You don't think Father Christmas sent her, do you?

Well, I did want something warm for winter.

It certainly beats stringback gloves and a chunky sweater.

She probably just decided to come home early, that's all.

I mean, she hasn't just stepped off a train from Toy Town.

I know, but why did she decide to come home early?

Because she's been missing me.

Missing you?

Yes, of course, she's missed the excitement.

Well, you know how it is with me and women.

It's the old animal magnetism again.

The animal magnetism hadn't done you much good so far,

has it? - This is different, you see?

This is Christmas.

It's a time when a woman needs a man, when

they start getting emotional.

They start lowering their defenses now.

It is just like VJ night all over again.

VJ night?

Yeah, Japan wasn't the only one that surrendered that night,

I'll tell you.

Marvelous that night.

It was dancing in the streets, fireworks erupting

against the night skies.

The free world was celebrating the victory for democracy.

How did you get on?

Not too good, actually, no.

Got a bit too near the fireworks.

Got a rocket to my battledress.

You're not too lucky where women are concerned, are you?

I don't know. She came down in night dress.

Wasn't to borrow a loaf of bread.

She thought I was going to be it on my own.

Anyway, she promised me a kiss for Christmas.

When was that?

When I unblocked her drains.

That was last July.

Yes, she remembers though.

A promise is a promise.

What I'll do, I'll invite her down for a few drinks,

promote the festive spirit, get her under the mistletoe,

Bob's your uncle.

Rigsby, what about me?

You can blow up a few balloons.

You wanted to see me, Brenda?

Oh, yeah, I just dropped down to see what sort

of Christmas you'd had, Rigsby.

Oh, all right, I was on my own, you know,

except for Vienna.

I think he's got the mange.

Thought you were staying at your brother's.

No, no, I just told everybody that.

It was out of pride, really.

No, he didn't want me.

We had a row over a drumstick last year.

Over a drumstick?

Wasn't that a bit trivial?

Oh, he didn't think so.

I hit him with it.

I must say, what I miss this Christmas,

Brenda, was the warmth of female companionship, you know?

Sitting downstairs, I realized there was

no one to crack my nuts for.

No fun in getting a whole one out if there's no female palm

to drop it into, hey?

No, I suppose not.

So I was wondering if you'd like to come down for a drink.

Yeah, that'd be all right.

As you know, I try to be more than just

a landlord to everyone.

Yeah, I know.

I haven't forgotten the way you unblocked my drains.

I do remember.

You remember your promise that night?

Yes, I knew you were grateful at the time, Brend.

Oh, yeah, yeah, I remember.

Well, it's Christmas time now, Brenda.

Yeah, yeah, and I have got your surprise.

And I think I know what it is.

Shut your eyes.

I didn't know you were shy.

What's this?

Christmas present.

Oh.

Bath salts?

Yeah, yeah, I couldn't think of what to get you.

And then I thought of bath salts.

Oh, all right, thank you, yes.

Devon violets.

Yes, I thought they might be, yes.

Don't you like them?

No, no, no.

Very, very-- very popular, I believe.

See you.

Hello, Philip.

Is he back?

Hasn't been away.

Oh, no.

I thought you were staying with friends.

I thought you were staying with friends.

That's why I arranged to come back early.

I'm meeting this girl here.

What, you're planning on a dirty weekend, where you?

I wish you wouldn't use that phrase.

I'm sorry. I just assumed--

Well, don't.

I have a great regard for this girl.

Lucy and I are very fond of each other.

I respect her.

Mind you, if our feelings do prove

too strong for each other--

Then you'll have a dirty weekend.

Yes.

The trouble is, she hasn't booked in anyone.

I promised her that vacant room.

Rigsby won't like that.

Oh, I don't know.

Perhaps if I asked him.

After all, it is Christmas.

What's that got to do with it?

Look, 2,000 years ago, Jesus was

born in a stable because there was no room at the inn.

She's not having a baby, is she?

No, she's not.

If Rigsby had been the landlord then,

she wouldn't have even got in the stable.

We'll see.

Where is he now? - He's up seeing Brenda.

Wants to get her under the mistletoe.

Do you think he'll succeed.

No, he has no luck with women.

If Rigsby played blindman's buff in [indistinct],

he'd end up with a eunuch.

And he'll be more miserable when he gets back.

Never mind.

This should mellow him.

What's that?

A present for Rigsby, our national wine.

What, the old jungle juice?

PHILIP: Yeah.

Is it strong?

They drink this before they undergo the most painful

process of body decoration.

I see, it paralyzes the nerves, does it?

Oh, no, no, no.

It burns the throat so much they can't scream.

ALAN: Ah.

But you feel great afterwards.

Well, I'd better get cleaned up.

She'll be here soon.

Hello, Rigsby. - All right.

You're back early.

What's the matter, Rigsby?

You look fed up.

So would you if you spent Christmas on your own.

Oh, never mind, Rigsby.

I brought you a present. - No, thank you.

Have you? - Yes.

It's not bath salts by any chance, is it?

PHILIP: No.

There's one or two people that have been

dropping rather broad hints about my personal affections

around here.

You've got nothing to worry about there, Rigsby.

You have the faintest aroma of Devon violets.

Oh, how surprising.

Hello, I was looking for Philip.

You must be Lucy.

Yes.

I didn't realize you were going to--

I didn't think you were going to be so early.

I'm Alan. - I thought so.

Philip often talks about. - Oh, does he?

What's he say?

He says you wear curlers in bed.

What are you doing?

I'm blowing up balloons.

I'm not very good at it, really.

I keep getting a mouth full of carbon dioxide.

Then why do you do it?

I don't know.

Well, it is, in actual fact, one of our customs.

I don't suppose you get this sort of thing in Africa.

Oh, I wouldn't know.

I come from Northampton.

Has Philip managed to get the room?

Well, he is seeing Rigsby at the moment.

Well, he said it'd be all right.

Did he?

Well, Rigsby's a bit odd.

You shouldn't raise your hopes too high.

Why not?

Well, he doesn't like--

he's not very keen on--

On what?

On people from Northampton.

Excuse me.

I'll go and find Philip.

- Where is my present? - It's in your room.

- Well, is it, shirt, is it? - No, no, no, no, no.

It's a surprise. - A book?

- No, no, no, no. - What is it?

It's in your room. Go on.

All right. All right.

[shrieking]

Hey, Philip.

What's the matter, Rigsby?

I don't know what to say.

I'm overwhelmed.

It's nothing.

Maybe nothing to you, mate.

It means a lot to me.

Well, you know, they say it's the thought that counts.

Well, it's a lovely thought.

Are you sure you will never regret it?

Oh, no, no.

My father sent me half a dozen.

You haven't got 'em here, have you?

Oh, no, no.

I shared them with friends over Christmas.

I found they helped to get the party going.

Yeah, I'm not surprised.

Oh, um, by the way, you might find

it a bit fiery to start with.

But you soon get used to it.

And it'll make you feel great afterwards.

All right.

Thanks very much.

I better get back.

Oh, Rigsby, by the way--

Hello.

Hello.

Warm enough for you?

I can put another bar on.

No, that's perfectly all right.

Have you seen Philip?

Yes.

Put me in the picture.

Do you want a drink?

No, thank you.

Against your religion, is it?

What?

I must say, you speak English very well.

Well, why shouldn't I?

Yes, yes, why not?

After all, the English language is our legacy to the world.

Yes, but you speak it like a native.

When I say native, I mean, you know, I mean, I mean--

Yes, I think--

I think you'll find things pretty easy around here.

Will I?

Yes, yes, no walking for miles with a pot on your head, any

of that rubbish.

Look, water.

The tap, see?

Isn't that wonderful?

Yes, yes, same with the washing.

No need to hump it down to the river.

No.

We got a laundrette just around the--

a laundrette-- whirly, whirly, whirly-- just round the corner.

You mean, I won't have to pound away on all

those smooth stones anymore?

No, no.

I think you'll like it here.

You'll have a room of your own.

And I will, of course, treat you as an equal.

No need to call me [indistinct].

That's very kind of you.

Yes, we can be quite informal.

How informal?

Well, for example, when we go down to Tesco,

there's no need to walk 10 paces behind me or anything like that.

Now, Tesco, yes, now, that's like your market place, you see?

Rich in color, and full of the sound of strange voices.

You know, it's all right.

I shall carry the baskets.

I must insist on at least two days off a week.

Oh, just my luck.

Six of them, and I get the shop steward.

All this is so new to me.

I'm afraid to make mistakes.

Don't worry about making mistakes.

Now, we may appear sophisticated.

But underneath, we're just the same

as you, the same strange beliefs and customs.

Well, look, look.

Say, take, for example, that mistletoe there,

the sacred bough.

Now, do you know what that is for us?

No.

That's the fertility symbol.

Yes, yes.

That's been placed there by the archdruid.

Now, the custom is that the younger maidens of the village

gather under it and--

gather under it, yes--

and are kissed by the elder.

Who's the elder?

I am.

Yes, I thought you might be.

And then what happens?

We get a good harvest next year.

Ah, there you are, Lucy.

I've been looking for you.

I didn't know you were here and under the mistletoe.

Hey, just a-- what do you think you're doing?

The custom, Rigsby.

This is our customer, not yours.

Get off.

Rigsby, why don't you open your present?

I was trying to do that when you came in.

Allow me.

Oh, I see.

Is that-- oh.

Cheers.

He's trying to poison me.

Pat his back.

Enough!

I might have bloody known this is jungle juice.

How do you feel now?

All right, except the lining in my throat's gone.

That's done it.

You won't get a room now.

Oh, Mr. Rigsby's already offered me the room.

Now, just a minute.

Aw, real Christmas spirit that.

Come on, Lucy.

I'll show you your room.

You know, Rigsby, perhaps I misjudged you.

You're not so bad.

When I said, you got the room--

It proves one thing, Rigsby.

You can't possibly be Martin Bormann.

Well, that's coming down for starters.

[knock on door]

Yes, who is it?

Mr. Rigsby.

RIGSBY: Yes, what do you want?

Well, it's about this afternoon.

I realized that I may have seemed, I don't know, prudish

and lacking in the Christmas spirit,

that I may have hurt your feelings.

You didn't hurt my feelings.

Don't worry.

Well, I'm out of uniform now, Mr. Rigsby.

Mr. Rigsby, I'm standing under the mistletoe.

Come on.

Hey.

Hey!

Oh, Fred Baxter, you devil.

That's the third time this week.

Wait a minute.

Have you forgotten me?

Of course not, Rigsby.

Here's your double cream.

[music playing]