01x01 - Mod, Mod Lucy

[bunniefuu]

[announcer] Here's Lucy,

starring Lucille Ball.

Co-Starring Gale Gordon,

Lucie Arnaz and Desi Arnaz, Jr.

Well, whoever it was hung up.

Yes, and it's all your fault
you didn't let me answer it.

You didn't let me answer it either,
and I was expecting a call about

booking our band
for a school dance.

That's not important.

I was expecting a
call from my boyfriend.

Which one?

Any one.

Oh, well, whoever it
was will call me back.

Oh.

Hello. This is the
Carter residence.

Oh, one moment. I'll put her on.

I told you it was for me.

It's not for you. It's for Mom.

Mom?

Who would be calling her?

It's a man.

A man?

Do you think he's
calling for a date?

Do you think Mom's
starting to go out again?

Oh, do you think
she'll like him?

Do you think he'll
want to marry her?

Well, that's a little hard to say
from a guy who merely said "Hello."

- Mom.
- Mother, telephone.

Okay, dear.

How many times have I told you,
why don't you pick up your things?

Mother, please, I'm
anxious to know who it is.

I don't care who it is.

And listen, you can
pick up your things, too.

This place is a wreck.

Mother, it's a man.

Oh, hello?

Well, yes, this
is Lucille Carter.

Oh.

Well, yes, I love to dance.

Tomorrow night?

No, I am not interested
in six free samba lessons.

Oh, I hate those nuisance calls,
and they always call just before dinner.

Come on now; pick
up this place, will you?

This is your stuff.

Take it.

And take this
radio to your room.

It's not mine.
It's Craig's. Here.

Be careful of that.
It costs money.

Oh, good heavens.

You kids seem to have no
idea of the value of things.

Oh, Mother.

And don't say “Oh, Mother."

And don't give me that
"Here we go again" look.

When I was your age we
did not throw radios around.

Oh, did you have
radios in those days?

Another country heard from.

Yes, we had radios in those days,
and automobiles and electric lights

and movies. Clean movies.
Movies you could take your kids to

without having to explain
the facts of life to them.

All I did was throw a radio.
How'd we get into the facts of life?

Yeah, well.

Anyway, just remember,
money does not grow

[all together] on trees.

Oh, Mother, you're
always telling us that.

Well, it's true. Money
doesn't grow on trees.

Look, I'm sorry, kids. I don't
mean to keep harping about money,

but I do have a little
trouble making ends meet.

And your Uncle Harry isn't the
most generous boss in the world.

Mom, you've been working
for him for over two years now,

and you're still getting the
same salary you started with.

Yeah.

Hey, why don't
you ask for a raise?

I do every week.

What does he say?

He says he won't give me a raise
because I'm careless and incompetent.

Well, why don't you
just get another job?

Well, that's pretty hard to do when
you're careless and incompetent.

Here, now put these away.
Now I'm going to start dinner.

Carter's Unique Employment Agency;
"Unusual jobs for unusual people."

Oh, I'm sorry. Mr. Carter is
out of the office at the moment.

Yes, sir.

Oh, Mr. Caldwell.

Yes, I'll give him the message.

Thank you.

Back so soon, Mr. Carter?

Well, it was just
a short meeting.

Oh.

Well, I'm going to lunch now.

Fine.

Oh, Ms. Singleton, I want you to type
up the statements on the Cashton account

just as soon as you get back.

But sir, after lunch
you wanted me to audit

the books and program
the digital computer.

Lucy will be back soon.
Why don't you have her do it?

Lucy, my c*ck
sister-in-law?

The Lucrezia
Borgia of the typists?

Well, perhaps I could type the
statements and Lucy could run the computer.

Let that redheaded fruitcake run
an intricate machine like a computer?

I wouldn't trust her
to sharpen a pencil.

Come now, Mr. Carter.

You're exaggerating.

I am?

I'm exaggerating.

All right. Let me
show you something.

Now, observe.

These are the
pencils you sharpened.

This is the pencil
she sharpened.

When I called it to
her attention she said,

"Well, don't worry about it, I can
always use it to write shorthand."

Oh, if it weren't for my niece
and nephew I'd fire her so -

Well, that isn't your problem.

Run along to lunch.

Yes, sir.

Oh, by the way, Mr. Caldwell
phoned. He said he'd call back later.

Oh, good. Thank you.

Can I bring you back something like a
nice sandwich or a chocolate malted?

Please, please,
I'm still on my diet.

I limit myself to


Only 317 calories?

How do you do it?

I pride myself on my willpower
and strength of character.

Marvelous.

Enjoy your lunch.

Thank you.

Hi, it's me.

Who else?

What in the world
did you do to yourself?

Oh, get to work.

Okay, Harry.

Now hear this.

May I remind you once again that we are
not on a first-name basis in this office?

I will broke no familiarity.

But Harry, we're related.

Stop rubbing it in!

During business hours when
you talk to me I am Mr. Carter.

What about after business hours?

Don't talk to me at all.

And get these letters
in the mail immediately.

Yes, sir.

And seal them first.

I know that.

Answer the phone.

Hello, Carter's Unique
Employment Agency,

unique jobs for unusual people.

Ah-ah!

Oh.

The phone.

Carter's Unique
Employment Agency.

That's right, sir.

Our business is finding
unusual jobs for unusual people.

Oh?

Oh.

Oh.

Well, I think you'd better try
another employment agency, sir.

What do you mean telling someone
to try another employment agency?!

- Well - - We do not turn
down business ever, ever, ever.

Yeah, I know but -

We furnish any kind of job for any
kind of a person, no matter what it is.

Yeah, I know, sir, but -

What kind of a job
was he applying for?

Social director
at a nudist colony.

Oh, well, don't let
it happen again.

Get to work.

Carter's Unique
Employment Agency.

Oh, just a
minute, sir. I'll see.

Are you in for a Mr. Caldwell?

Of course I'm in
for Mr. Caldwell!

He's one of our
most important clients.

Well, I didn't know that.

Well, you should know
it for heaven -Hello.

How are you, sir?

Good, good, what
can I do for you?

Uh-huh.

Yeah. Yes.

Saturday night.

Oh no, sir, don't worry.
Nothing is ever out of our line.

We always say "The
difficult we do immediately;

the impossible
takes a little longer."

Yes, sir.

Don't you worry about a thing.

Goodbye, sir.

Get me some of the names of the
better theatrical agencies, please.

Yes, sir.

Mr. Caldwell is giving his
daughter a birthday party.

He wants to hire
a musical group.

- A musical group?
- Yeah.

Oh, I have a suggestion.

Hey, well, keep it to yourself.

Mr. Caldwell wants a group
that will intrigue the teenagers.

I know. We'll get that English
group that's so popular.

What's their name now?

The Grasshoppers.

No, the - The Caterpillars?

The Centipedes?

You mean The Beatles?

That's it.

The Beatles. I knew it
was some kind of a bug.

Get me The Beatles.

The Beatles are very expensive.

Money is no object.

I'm willing to go
as high as $100.00.

A hundred dollars wouldn't even
keep The Beatles in hairspray.

They make millions
of dollars a year.

- They do?
- Certainly they do.

Oh.

Oh, now, can you think of a group
that would play this date for $100.00?

Yes.

That's what I've
been trying to tell you.

Now, look, Craig plays drums
with some boys at school,

and Kim sings with
them. She's the vocalist.

Now hold it. Hold it. Hold it.

Now, Craig and Kim are nice
kids, but they're just amateurs.

No, they're not. They've
had a lot of experience.

They've played at school dances and
church parties and bar mitzvahs and -

No, no, no, no, no.

I just can't take a
chance with them.

Mr. Caldwell is too
important a client.

Besides that, I don't
like to hire relatives.

What have you got
against hiring relatives?

Oh, I have a lot of reasons.

Well, you hired me.

That's the first one.

I think you're
being very unfair.

Suppose The Smothers
Brothers didn't hire relatives.

We'd only have one Smother.

Now, believe me, Kim
and Craig are very good.

They have a lot of talent.

And look, you won't even
have to pay them $100.00.

They'll do it for $75.00.

What kind of a man
do you think I am?

Do you think I would take advantage
of my own niece and nephew

just to save a few measly-

They'll do it for $50.00.

It's a deal.

Kim, Craig, where is everybody?

Where is anybody?

Here I am, Mom.

Oh, Craig, look -oh,
Craig, what happened?

You had an accident?

You got a whiplash.

Mom, this is a turtleneck.

Such a high one?

Where's Kim?

Surfing.

Surfing?

She's supposed to
sing at the party tonight.

She knows. She'll
be back in time.

Well, that's not the point.

She should be resting so
she'll be at her best tonight.

Oh, Mom.

Don't "Oh, Mom" me.

Does Mahalia Jackson
go surfing before she sings?

Yeah, well, she said
she'd be home before 6:00.

Yeah.

Well, look what time it is.

Go ahead, look. What time is it?

Four thirty.

Yeah. Well, that's before 6:00.

She's not here.

Now, what's keeping her?

You don't suppose she
had an accident, do you?

You don't suppose she fell off
her surfboard and broke her leg?

Mom, you worry too much.

Oh, I worry too much.

Well, I can't expect
you to understand.

You're not a parent.

You just wait till you
have children of your own.

Children of my own?

You won't even let me go steady.

Just don't be fresh.

If I want to worry, I'll worry.

Well, you don't have to
worry, Mom. Here she is.

Oh, Kim.

Kim, now I've been
worried about you?

How was it?

How big was it?

Was the surf up?

Oh, pretty good.

What's the matter with you?
Why don't you answer him?

What?

She said she lost her voice.

You lost your voice?

How? What happened?

Well, tell me about it.

Act it out. Act it out,
you know, like, charades.

Tell me the whole thing.

You were dancing
-no, you were surfing.

You were balancing
on your surfboard.

Yeah, that's it.

And you fell off.

You fell off.

Then what happened?

You yawned?

You didn't yawn?

She said she
swallowed some water.

Is that what she said?

Oh, well then what happened?

Oh, oh, oh.

You swallowed a fish.

You don't feel well.

You swallowed a lot of
water, didn't feel well, huh?

Then what'd you do?

You swam.

You swam and you swam.

Yeah, I got that.

You swam. Where you going?

Oh, you swam to the shore.

Ah, the shore.

You got up on the shore.
Then what happened?

You went to sleep?

You went to sleep?

And you woke up.

You didn't wake up.
You're still asleep, uh-huh.

What? Say that again.

You dreamed you
were doing the hula.

You got sand in your ear.

You slept on your
ear and it hurt.

Oh, sounds like,
sounds like, sounds like.

Sounds like your hair.

Dark hair, bangs, hair, long
hair, sounds like your hair.

Sounds like your head.

Head, head.

Sounds like your head.

In the-what's in her
head besides boys?

Grades.

Sounds like brains.

Train.

You took a train.

Oh, rain. Rain

It started to rain.

What are you congratulating
him for? I did all the work.

All right. It started to rain.

Then what happened?

Sure you were
cold. You got cold.

Sure, it was a cold rain.

You got a chill.

Oh, maybe you've got a fever.

I don't know. I don't know.

You'd better get up to bed.

I'll fix you some hot tea and lemon
and you'll be all right tomorrow.

Tomorrow?

Mom, what about tonight.

Oh, don't worry about tonight.

Tonight!

You won't be able to sing.

Oh, Craig.

Get on the phone.
Find another vocalist.

I don't know any.

Well, should I
call Dr. Schwartz?

No, he can't sing.

Oh, you mean for Kim?

No. No, I'll take care
of her. She'll be all right.

Who you dialing? Did
you think of a vocalist?

No, I'm calling Uncle Harry to
tell him we can't make it tonight.

Not one word of
this to Uncle Harry.

Mom, why not? When I
call him he'll understand.

Yeah, you he'll understand.

Me he'll k*ll.

Now we've got to
think of somebody else.

Now think, think, think.

Hello?

Oh, hello, Uncle Harry.

Of course, I know
tonight's the night.

Yeah. Kim and Craig?

Well, of course
they'll be there.

Now what makes
you think I'd forget?

Name one time when
I've ever let you down.

I said just one time.

All right. Don't worry.
They'll be there.

Well, now what
are we going to do?

Well, you are going to
play that date tonight.

Without a vocalist?

You'll have a vocalist.

Who?

Sonny, meet Cher.

Oh, Mother...

Daddy, this is the best
birthday party any girl ever had.

I'm glad, dear.

Your friends seem to
be enjoying the orchestra.

Oh, they are.

And do the girls ever
dig that drummer.

He's groovy.

Real cool.

Oh, he's out of sight.

- Is that good?
- Oh, yes, dear.

In our days he'd have
been the cat's pajamas.

Oh, Mother.

Don't worry, dear. We'll
take care of ourselves.

You go along and enjoy yourself.

Oh, good evening.

Good evening and happy birthday.

Well, thank you.

Oh, good evening, Mr. Caldwell.

Well, Mr. Carter, this
is a pleasant surprise.

Well, I happened to
be in the neighborhood.

I thought I'd drop by and
see how things were going.

Fine, fine.

That group you sent
over is really out of sight.

Out of what?

They're groovy, real cool.

Don't you dig, man?

Dig?

That's what's happening, baby.

Oh.

Oh, you mean they're
the bee's knees.

Yes, yes.

Yes, and they've made
quite a hit with my daughter.

Especially the drummer.

Oh, that's my nephew.

He's certainly a handsome lad.

Naturally.

He takes after my
side of the family.

What do you think of my niece?

Your niece?

The vocalist.

Oh, she hasn't appeared yet.

Oh, well, wait till you see her.

She is a charming child.

Not only is she charming, she
is talented and oh-so beautiful.

And now, kids, I want
to present our vocalist,

a groovy chick who is real
boss, and I do mean boss.

♪ Singing ♪ All
alone, I'm so all alone.

There is no one else but you.

All alone by the telephone,

waiting for a
ring-a-ting-a-ling.

I'm all alone, every evening.

All alone feeling blue.

Wondering where you are

and how you are,

and if you are all alone, too.