01x03 - Lucy, the Process Server

[bunniefuu]

[announcer] Here's Lucy,

starring Lucille Ball.

Co-Starring Gale Gordon,

Lucie Arnaz and Desi Arnaz, Jr.

[singing] By the
sea, by the sea,

by the beautiful sea.

Come on, Craig, honey, let's get
moving or we'll never get to the beach.

Kim, will you bring down that
blanket that we use at the beach?

Okay.

All right, darling.

Craig, get the chairs and the big
umbrella out of this closet, will you?

Oh, boy. We're going
to have fun today, huh?

[singing] By the sea, by
the sea, by the beautiful sea.

Kim, do we have to go?

Craig, now stop that.

This is the third
time I've told you.

Yes, we have to go.

I was expecting
to play ball today.

Look, I had things
I'd rather do, too,

but Mom got the day off just so
she could take us to the beach.

And no matter how much it hurts
us we're going to enjoy ourselves.

Look, I love to go to the
beach, but with the guys,

not with my mother.

Same here.

But, once in a while
we can go with Mom.

Now, come on, act enthusiastic.

Okay.

Okay.

By the sea, by the
sea, by the beautiful -

here's our lemonade.

Oh, boy.

The three of us are going to
have a ball today, aren't we?

We sure are, Mom.

Yeah, we sure are, Mom.

[singing] By the sea, by
the sea, by the beautiful sea.

Well, I think we have everything.
You can get the car loaded now.

Okay.

Just one little thing
I have left to do.

I'm going to have to call Uncle
Harry and see if I can get the day off.

You mean you haven't
even asked him yet?

Well, I've been trying to
think of just the right excuse.

Maybe I can tell him that
Kim is having her appendix out.

Mom, you can't tell
him a thing like that.

No, you're right.

I've already used
that one twice.

How many scars
have you used on me?

Never mind.

Maybe if I tell him the hot water tank
blew up and I have to wait for the plumber.

Mom, why don't you just
tell Uncle Harry the truth,

that today is a school holiday and
you want to take us to the beach?

Of course.

Of course that's
what I should do.

I'll just call him and tell him
the straight, simple, honest truth.

Hello?

Hello, Lucille?

Oh, Harry, I was
just about to call you.

Oh, well, this is an emergency.

I need you here early.

Early?

Gee, I was just going
to ask for the day off.

Please, this is
no time for jokes.

Oh, no.

Now get down here right away.

Right now?

Immediately.

Oh - Oh, gee, kids,
our picnic is off.

Oh, I'm so sorry
to disappoint you.

That's all right, Mom.

Yeah, well, that's the way
the beach ball bounces.

It's-it's disappointing but
we can do it another time.

I guess I'll just have
to go play baseball.

You know, that's
a good trait he has.

No matter how disappointed
he is, he adjusts in a hurry.

Well, I've got to get
down to the office.

Goodbye, doll.

Goodbye, Mom.

And I'm just awfully sorry.

It's all right, Mom.

Dear sir, Carter's Unique
Employment Agency takes pride in

finding unusual jobs
for unusual people,

and I am happy to
tell you that we have

found for you a pitted
olive pimento patter.

What is a pitted
olive pimento patter?

Well, he's the man who
stands in the assembly line,

and as the olives roll along if any of
them have their pimentos sticking out

he pats them back in again.

Well, you've got to be kidding.

I am not kidding.

Now, pull yourself together and write
up five copies of that letter, please.

Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

One original and four carbon.

No carbons.

Five originals.

Why should I
type five originals?

Because with those odds
you might get one right.

Oh, now before you do
that, before you do that,

I want you to make out a
bank deposit slip for this money.

I don't like to have all this
cash lying around the office.

I want to get it to the bank.

Now, add it up very
carefully, will you?

Yes, sir.

You do know how
to add, don't you?

Yes, sir.

Well-I'll get
that. I'll get that.

Carter's Unique
Employment Agency.

Oh, hello there, Mr. Draper.

No, I'm sorry to say we have not been
able to serve that summons as yet, sir.

Well, we've made several tries at it
but that Ryker woman is a slippery one.

Yes.

She's evaded every
process server I've sent out.

Oh, yes. We'll keep trying, sir.

Thank you.

Goodbye.

Have you added that up yet?

Yes, sir.

What's the total?

Fifteen hundred dollars.

You're right.

Well, why did you ask me to add
it if you already knew the amount?

I just wanted to see
if you were awake.

Oh.

Carter's Unique
-Yes, Mr. Draper?

She is?

Say, that might be a good
place to catch up with her.

Yes, sir. Right away.

Goodbye.

I have another job for
you, a very important job.

What's that?

I want you to serve a
summons on a Mrs. Mabel Ryker.

Me serve a summons?

Why me?

Because she's evaded
all our clever people.

Maybe we can fool her
with a change of pace.

Now, here's a picture of her.

She's in her 50s, 5'5", 120
pounds, has dark brown hair.

But I don't know anything
about serving a summons.

There's nothing to know.

That's why I'm sending you.

All you do is hand
her this piece of paper.

As soon as it touches her
hand your job is finished.

Now, I just got word that
she's downtown shopping at the

Empire Department
Store so get going.

No, no, now please,
please, get somebody else.

I'm not going to try to find a strange
woman in a crowded department store.

It'll be crowded all right.

- They're having a big
sale, but that - - A sale?

Oh, well, that's different.

There'll be no shopping.

Oh.

And on your way stop at the
bank and deposit this money.

All right.

But after I serve the summons
can I stay and shop awhile?

There will be no
shopping on company time.

Oh, all right.

But I'll tell you one thing if they're
having a sale on new bosses

I'm sure going to pick up one.

May I help you?

No, you don't
look at all like her.

I saw this first.

- I'm sorry, I was just - - I saw
this first and I'm going to have it.

Okay. You can have it.

Is there anything wrong, ladies?

Well, there certainly is.

I was just about to
buy this dress when this

person grabbed it
and ripped it in half.

I ripped it in half?

There, you see, she admits it.

Now just one
cotton-picking minute.

I did not rip that in half.

What happened was
I just put my hand...

Now, now, we have several.

We have several of
these dresses in stock

and our sales lady can
take care of both of you.

Yeah.

- Miss, miss?
- Just a moment.

I don't have a moment. I
have other shopping to do.

I want a copy of this dress in a
size 18 sent to my house immediately.

Charge it to my account.

Yes, Mrs. Ryker.

I'll take care of
it, Mrs. Ryker.

Boy, of all the
ill-mannered, impolite-

Ryker?

Did you say Ryker,
Mrs. Mabel Ryker?

Yes and she sure likes to
throw her weight around.

Yeah, and she's got
the weight to do it with.

I'm sorry if she
gave you any trouble.

Oh, she thinks she
gave me trouble.

Wait till she finds out
what I'm going to give her.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

Gee, I had no idea.

Hey, lady, you've got
to pull yourself together.

Now what?

Oh, I -I just bumped into her and
I knocked the bag out of her hand,

and when it dropped
her hand went with it.

I tried to put it back
on, and then that fell off -

well, she just fell all
apart and I can't fix her.

Maybe you can.

Mom?

Hi, Kim.

What are you doing here? I thought
you were supposed to be working.

Oh, I am working. I'm
on a special assignment.

Oh, well, anyway,
I'm glad I ran into you.

They're having a wild sale on
stockings and I ran out of money.

Can I borrow your charge?

Oh, all right, dear.

Gee-whiz.

Thank you.

Where did she go?

Who?

Kim, I'll see you later, baby.

Oh.

Watch the rack, please.

Excuse me, lady.

Thank you.

Well, found the dress
you're looking for, I see.

What dress?

The one you were sneaking
out of here piggyback.

I didn't buy that dress.

I'd look horrible in that.

Shall we see what the
store detective thinks of this?

Oh, he'd probably
look horrible in it, too.

I mean, would you
like to talk to the store

detective about trying
to shoplift this dress,

or shall we put
it back in stock?

Oh, put it back in stock.

May I help you, miss?

Boy, that's the skimpiest
skirt I've ever seen.

That's the belt.

This is the skirt.

Oh.

Oh, boy, I was wondering.

I've seen short
skirts in my day but -

Miss, miss, you dropped this.

Oh, thank you, Mrs. Ryker.

You?

Well, if I had known it was you I never
would have picked up that envelope.

Oh, yes, the envelope.

It's for you.

For me?

Yes, it's a summons.

A summons?

Yes, Mrs. Mabel Ryker.

I didn't recognize you at
first, but you didn't fool me long

with your bleached hair and
just because you got fatter.

Why, of all the nasty, insulting - I'll
show you what I think of your summons.

Well, now, throwing it
away won't do you any good.

You have been legally served
and that's all that matters.

Oh.

See you in court, Mrs. Ryker.

Ow!

Do you want me to
throw this dummy out?

Oh, please do.

I did it. I did it.

I served a summons.

I can't tell you
how pleased I am.

Well, try. Try.

- I'm pleased. I'm pleased.
- Thank you.

Tell me, what was Mrs. Ryker's reaction
when you handed her that summons?

Boy was she mad.

She didn't even read it.

She just threw it
in the wastebasket.

That doesn't make
any difference.

She had been legally served.

That's exactly what I told her.

You have done such a splendid job
I'm going to give you a $10.00 bonus.

You are joking?

I never joke about money.

I'm very glad to hear that.

Now, if you'll give me the
deposit slip I'll enter it in the books.

Oh, I forgot all about the bank.

I'm sorry. I'll go right now.

No, no, no. Never
mind, never mind.

I'm going out to lunch.
I'll make the deposit.

Just give me the money.

Okay. Gee, I'm
awful sorry I forgot it.

It's all right. You
did such a nice job.

No, I asked for the money.

You gave me the summons.

The summons!?

There is no need to shout.

Now, just give me
- The summons!?

- That means that Ryker woman has
my ma-ma... Your money! Your Money!

- Yes.
- Yeah, yeah.

- She threw it in the
wa-wa-wa... The wastebasket.

Yes!

Well, don't just stand there.

Let's go get that
ma-come on, come on.

Oh my heavens.

Do I still get my $10.00 bonus?

No!

- Are you sure this is the right door?
- Yes, yes.

Well, I don't know. I meant
to trust you with these things.

- Wait a minute, right here.
- What? What? Where is it?

Right here.

Oh, there. All right.

Well, it'd better be in there,
that's all I've got to say.

- Don't worry, I'll find it.
- Yes, you better.

What's going on here?

She's looking for something.

Well, she's told me
that four times already.

Why doesn't she go to some
other store and let us alone?

Because I didn't lose
it at some other store.

I lost it right here.

Is this delightful
creature your wife?

Bite your tongue!

She is my secretary and she lost an
envelope with $1,500.00 of my money in it.

If she doesn't
find it, I'll k*ll her!

Promises, promises.

Well, she won't
find it in there.

The trash basket is emptied
every half hour down the chute.

What chute?

Where? What chute?

That one over there.

Oh, no.

Oh, no, no, no, you
mustn't. You can't.

Oh, no.

Oh, let me out of here!

Of all the stupid things.

Well, I won't find my
money standing around here.

Where does that chute go to?

- Down in the basement, four flights.
- Four flights.

Around the corner
you'll find the stairway.

Stairway, thank you very much.

- Wait a minute.
- What?

What about her? You can't
leave her stuck here upside down.

Why not?

She doesn't know
which end is up anyhow.

Oh, no.

How am I going to find that
envelope in all this trash?

Oh.

Ah!

He let go of me.

My mother told me never trust
a floorwalker with sweaty hands.

Now, look, if you're
finished playing rollercoaster,

get to work.

Find that thing now.

Where is it?

Will you stop that?

Well, don't holler at
me. I'm just trying to help.

Well, help over there
somewhere, for heaven's sake.

Oh, here it is.

You found it!? You
found my money?

No, I found my shoe.

It went down the chute.

Argh, get to work!

Well, how do you like that?

What, what, what?

And she told me she
just bought stockings?

Who? Who? Who?

And she bought a blouse,
a scarf and some mukluks.

Who? Who? Who?

Kim, she bought a
blouse, scarf and mukluks.

Fifteen hundred dollars of my
money lost in this pile of trash,

- and you're yakking about mukluks?
- I'll find it! I'll find it!

- I ought to break every bone
in your - - I'll find it. I'll find it.

Well, just get away-
get away from me.

That's all I've got to say.

Harry?

Harry?

I found it.

I found my money.

It's all there.

Craig, there's no use
sitting there moping about it.

You're just going
to have to tell Mom.

Well, maybe I could
say something that -

Craig.

All right, I'll tell her.

Hi, kids.

Oh, hi, Mom.

Oh, boy, what a day I've had.

I'll get dinner started just as
soon as I freshen up a little.

Oh, Mom, you don't have
to cook dinner tonight.

I have a surprise for you.

Surprise?

Don't tell me you made
another one of your tuna fish,

pizza pie and
marshmallow casseroles.

Oh, no. You'll see.
This is a surprise.

Yeah, so was that.

Tonight, dear, I hope it's a
dinner and not a happening.

Craig, tell her.

Tell me what?

Tell me what?

Something bad happen?

Yes, Mom, something
bad happened.

Oh, wait till I sit down.

Just wait now.

I have a feeling this is
going to be sock-it-to-me time.

All right.

Let's have it.

Well, I was playing ball this
afternoon and I hit a home run.

That's bad?

And it busted somebody's window.

That's bad.

Well, I went to the front door and I said
I was sorry and I offered to pay for it.

But the lady was real mad and
she said it's going to cost $10.00.

And she called me a delinquent
and said I had no respect for the law,

and that she's coming over
here tonight to talk to my mother,

and that she might
even have me arrested.

Well, I hope this
teaches you a lesson.

Now, look, you did the right thing in
telling the lady that you were sorry.

And if you're willing to pay for it I
don't think she could have you arrested.

Do you have $10.00?

Yeah, right here.

He borrowed it from me.

Oh, okay.

Well, when the lady comes,
you give her the money,

you take care of the whole
thing, apologize to her again,

and I think everything
will be okay.

Okay.

Oh, boy. This is the
end of a perfect day.

Dinner soon, honey? I'm starved.

Yeah, right away.

Now, you see, Craig, it's always
better if you tell Mom yourself

than having her find out
about it from somebody else.

Yeah. Yeah, I
guess you're right.

Now, come on, help me.

Okay.

Hurry up with the other chair.

Hurry up.

- You have the radio?
- Mm-hmm.

Okay, Mom. Dinner's ready.

Okay, dear. Coming.

Oh, what a wonderful surprise.

We're going to have
a picnic after all, huh?

I thought you'd like it.

We have everything for
a beach picnic but sand.

Oh, boy.

Mom, I just remembered
I've got to run over to Danny's.

Listen, if that's the lady you
give her the $10.00. Here.

Oh, no, you don't.
Oh, no, you don't.

You're the one that
broke the window,

and you're the one that's
going to take care of it.

I'll be upstairs.

Yeah, but Mom, listen, she came
all the way over just to talk to you.

Yeah. Well, after you
give her the money if

she still wants to talk
to me I'll come down.

Yeah, listen, Mom.

Kim?

Some family I've got.

The minute I'm in trouble they stand
behind me like a tower of feathers.

Well, young man, you took
long enough to answer the door.

I'm sorry.

And I'm sorry I
broke your window.

Here's the $10.00.

I didn't mean to. Honest.

You kids are all alike.

You have no respect for the
law, no respect for the law at all.

Now, if you'd stay home where you
belong instead of playing in the streets

these things wouldn't happen.

I didn't mean to. You
see, I was just trying to -

Anyway, I didn't come
over here to argue with you.

I want to see your mother.

Where is she?

Here I am.

You?

Yes, and it's very
nice of you to call, Mrs.

Ryker, because I
have a present for you.

What?

A summons.

What?

Well, but didn't you
-haven't you already?

Oh, figure it out
on your time, dear.

And maybe from now on you'll
have some respect for the law.

Bye!

Mom, what was that all about?

Oh, it's a long
story. I'll tell you later.

Right now, Craig, because you were
so honest and admitted your mistake,

I'm going to give
you back that $10.00.

Oh, thanks, Mom.

You're welcome.

And now you can give
Kim the $10.00 you owe her.

Oh, all right.

Thanks, Mom.

You're welcome, dear.

And now you can
give it back to me?

For what?

For the scarf, the blouse
and those mukluks.

How'd you find out about that?

That's another long story.