01x05 - Lucy, the Conclusion Jumper

[bunniefuu]

[announcer] Here's Lucy,

starring Lucille Ball.

Co-Starring Gale Gordon,

Lucie Arnaz and Desi Arnaz, Jr.

Craig!

How do you like my
new skin-diving outfit?

It's fine.

How come it's all wet?

Oh, I was in the bathtub
checking it for leaks.

Hey, where's Mom?

She went to the market.

And you'd better get that junk out of
the living room before she comes back.

Oh, she forgot her key, again.

Coming.

- Hello, Kim.
- Hi, Don.

Come on in.

Oh, gee, I'm glad you came over.

Listen, I've been working
on our budget for hours,

and I've made a list of all the
things we're going to have to allow for.

You know, like rent, clothing,
lights and gas, groceries.

Hey, that reminds
me. I've got good news.

What?

You know that job
I've been trying to get?

At the supermarket?

I start Saturday as a box boy.

Oh, Don.

That's wonderful.

Oh, and look what I brought.

Here's a whole page
of apartments for rent.

Oh, great.

Now, let's see.

Well, you know, it ought to
be something fairly decent.

Oh, yeah.

I mean, you know, with
living room, bedroom,

den maybe, and a nice kitchen.

Yeah, something for around
$25.00 or $30.00 a month.

Well, let's see.

Oh, here's one -

Oh, that must be Mom.

Well, we'll do this later, huh?

Yeah.

No, I didn't forget my
key. I just couldn't get to it.

Here, let me give you
a hand, Mrs. Carter.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, thanks. Just put
them down any place, kids.

Well, I'll take these
on out to the kitchen.

It's good practice for me.

What does he mean "practice?"

He starts work at the supermarket
on Saturday as a box boy.

A box boy, huh?

- Yeah.
- Good for him.

Oh, boy, am I exhausted.

- That market was so loaded - - I
think I'll head on home now, Kim.

- See you later.
- Okay.

Bye, Mrs. Carter.

Goodbye.

- Goodbye, Don.
- And thank you, Don.

Oh, you're welcome.

You know, Kim, I think
Don is a real nice boy.

I'm glad you feel that
way about him, Mom.

He likes you, too.

Yeah?

Good.

Ah, oh.

Twenty-nine dollars and
forty cents just for groceries?

Well, I'm glad you're
beginning to notice.

How come it costs so much?

Because I have a son who
eats a leg of lamb like a hotdog,

and a daughter who needs a
revolving door on the refrigerator.

It's a good thing
you're always on a diet.

Who's on a diet?

I just eat what's left.

Oh, speaking of expenses, I mustn't
forget to pay that telephone bill.

Mom, about how much does
a phone bill run every month?

Well, this month
it's almost $30.00?

Thirty dollars?

How come it costs so much?

Because I have two kids with
telephones growing out of their ears.

Oh, mother.

Oh, listen, at the supermarket I
heard that your girlfriend, Susie Meyers,

ran off with that Clayton
boy and got married.

I know.

They're just kids.

It happens all the time.

Oh.

Oh, boy.

Hi, Craig.

Darn it. I wanted to scare you.

How could you scare me?

I've seen you in
that outfit before.

When did you see
me in this outfit?

Last night when you
walked in your sleep.

At night, young man,
you wear your pajamas.

Pick that stuff up. Don't
leave it around the living room.

Go on.

Unique Employment Agency,
Harrison Carter speaking.

Yes, sir, we specialize
in unusual situations.

What's your problem?

You have a collection
of antique carriages.

You mean surreys
with the fringe on top?

Oh, well, that's a very
interesting hobby, sir.

What do you need?

A dozen authentic
antique buggy whips.

Well, sir, I'm afraid you're
about 40 years too late for that.

What?

You'll pay $1,000.00?

For that kind of money, sir, I wish
I could make them for you myself.

I'm sorry.

Goodbye, sir.

Oh, that guard door bit me.

Of course it bit you.

Come sneaking in all fours
like a coyote in a chicken coop.

It wouldn't bite you if you if
walked in like a normal person,

opened the door, entered the
room the way you're supposed to.

Then -ahh!

- You see?
- Not a word.

Don't you say a word.

Just get to work.

You're late, late, late.

Yes, sir, I know.

I'm sorry.

I wish you'd get to
work on time just once.

Yeah, well, I had trouble getting
the kids off to school this morning.

Craig wouldn't get up.

That isn't my problem.

That isn't my problem.
You're always late.

I've got more work here
than I could possibly do,

just piling up on me.

What are you doing now?

I'm just putting the coffee over
here. Somebody left it on the floor.

That isn't coffee.

It's sweeping compound.

The janitor left it there.

Sweeping compound?

Now, here's what
I want you to do.

Now, I have just
compiled a new mailing list,

and I want to get it to
the printer right away.

Yes, sir. I'll take it
over there right now, sir.

Will you sit down?

Sorry, sir.

Not there!

Where you're supposed to!

I'm sorry.

Please.

Oh, for heaven’s sake.

Now, just look.

- Look, what I want
you to do - Yes.

- is check this new list
against the old list - Yes.

- To be sure it's absolutely accurate.
- Yes, sir.

I didn't understand
that, sir. I'm sorry.

Unique Employment Agency.

Yes, sir, what can
I do for you, sir?

Oh?

You have?

Well, we do get some
very unusual requests,

but I'm afraid I can't
help you with that, sir.

I'm sorry.

Goodbye.

Who was that?

Oh, just some man that wanted us
to sell some silly old things for him.

Oh?

What did he have?

A dozen authentic
antique buggy whips.

Who is he? Who is he?

Did you catch his name? Did
you catch his phone number?

Of course not.

He's about 40
years too late for that.

Why would you say a
ridiculous thing like that?

Well, for heaven's sake, buggies
went out of use at least 40 years ago.

Oh, no, never,
never, never mind.

Just finish that list and
make me a cup of coffee.

Thanks to you I'll have
to skip lunch today.

Yes, sir.

I'm sorry, sir.

Oh, sorry nothing.

Well, I am.

I want you to check
that list very carefully.

I will, sir.

The old one has
been driving me crazy.

Yes, I know.

It's obsolete.

Yes.

You should have made
out a new list months ago.

I know.

Well, I didn't know.

I'll get it.

Unique Employment
Agency. Harrison - oh.

Oh, yes, I'm having the
list checked right now.

I'll get it over to you shortly.

Goodbye.

That was the printer.

Have you got that list finished?

No, not yet, sir.

- Well, hurry it up.
- Almost.

Hurry it up. Hurry it up.

Hurry, hurry.

There you are, sir.

All ready for the printers.

Oh, good, good.

And for heaven's sake,
get rid of that old list.

Yes, sir.

Oh, but this is the old list.

Get me the new list,
please. The new list.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Don't tell me.

Well, you just told
me to get rid of it.

I'll put it back together again.

Now hear this.

If you make one more stupid
mistake you're through, finished, fired.

All right, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Look, just sit down.

Sit down.

I'll give you a nice
hot cup of coffee.

Oh, coffee.

Just sit down.

Here you are.

Thank you very much.

You're welcome.

Don't drink that!

Why not?

I forgot to put the sugar in it.

You know I don't use sugar.

I forgot the cream.

I don't use cream either.

Answer the phone.

- What?
- You'd better answer the phone.

Unique Employment Agency.

Oh, hello, Bill.

All set for tonight?

Can't make it?

What happened?

She didn't?

She did?

When did she?

Oh, that's too bad.

But didn't you see it coming?

Oh, you didn't.

Well, yes, I know how you
and your wife must feel, Bill.

If there's anything at all I
can do you just let me know.

Yes, Bill.

Goodbye.

- Oh, this is terrible?
- What? What?

This is just terrible?

- What's terrible?
- Oh, it's very, very distressing.

What is it? What happened?

Oh, that was a very
dear friend of mine.

Oh?

His 17-year-old daughter just ran off
and married one of their classmates.

Oh, well, that is too bad, yes.

But I always say when a thing like
that happens it's the mother's fault.

If she had had a relationship
with her daughter like I have,

she would have known
what was going on.

There'd be no generation gap.

Uh-huh. Yeah.

I suppose you're right.
I suppose you're right.

But of course they realize now
that they should have seen it coming.

Oh?

Yes, up till a week ago their daughter
wasn't interested in the cost of anything.

Yeah, kids never are.

And then she began
asking all kinds of questions:

the price of groceries, how much
gas and the phone cost, everything.

Yeah.

Well, I'm glad my daughter
has enough sense not to do any-

[Kim] Twenty-nine dollars and
forty cents just for groceries?

Mom, about what does a
phone bill run every month?

I'm glad you feel that
way about him, Mom.

He likes you, too.

And the boy she married
can't even support her.

He's only a grocery box boy.

A box boy?

Oh, no. Oh, no.

She mustn't. She mustn't.

- What? What's the matter?
- She can't do that.

That generation gap
just split wide open.

Where are you going?

Home.

And I hope I'm not too late.

But we have work to do.

You get right back there
and you get your-oh. Agh.

Lousy as that is... it's the
best coffee she ever made.

Craig.

Craig!

Hi, Mom.

Where's Kim? Is she here?

No.

Do you know where she is?

- Huh?
- Do you know where she is?

Who?

Kim.

Who do you think
I'm talking about?

Where is she?

She and Don came by a
while ago, but they left again.

She and Don?

Where did they go?

- What?
- Where did they go?

Who?

Kim and Don, where did they go?

I don't know.

Oh, they were writing
something over there on that table.

Maybe it's a note.

Ah, ah, this isn't a note.

It's a household budget:

rent, groceries, utilities.

Oh, no.

For heaven's sakes,
I don't believe it.

Mom!

Mom, I can't practice in here
with you making all that noise.

Listen, they did say something about
going over to city hall to see a judge.

A judge at city hall?

Oh, no.

Oh, no. I don't believe it.

Not my baby.

My baby.

My little angel.

Oh, my baby.

If I get my hands on
her I'll break her neck.

Harry!

Harry, drop whatever
you're doing and meet me at

the marriage license
bureau at city hall right away.

Kim's eloped with a box boy.

Of course I'm sure.

Well, she's not going to
go down there just to see

"Here come the judge,
here come the judge".

Now take it easy.
Don't get excited.

Don't tell me not
to get excited.

Well.

There they are.

I hope I'm not too late.

Let me handle this. I'll-

Kim, I'd like an
explanation of this.

Boy, would I like
an explanation.

Lucy, Lucy, this is the place.

Marriage license
bureau, this is it.

Well, thank heavens,
the kids aren't here.

Yeah, but maybe they've
been here. Let's find out.

Well, now, thank
goodness the line is short.

Yeah, but who's getting in line?

Come on.

Well - Pardon me, please.

Excuse me, sir.

- Can you tell me -
- Get in line, please.

Oh, but we haven't time to
get in line. We're in a big hurry.

Everybody's in a big hurry.

Get in line.

But you don't understand, sir.

Don't tell me I
don't understand.

In line, please.

- But - - Come
on, let’s get in line.

Oh, well, listen,
officially, come here -

pardon us, this is our place.

Hey, wait a minute.

Oh, but we were here first.

You weren't here
when we came in.

- Go to the end of the line.
- Oh, really we -

Ah, end of the line.

Come on. Come on.

Don't argue with them.

It's so embarrassing
when you try to -

What's their big rush?

At their age I guess they
haven't much time left.

Oh, honestly, this is awful.

We'll never catch up
with those kids in time.

Well, how do you like that?

They let those people go
right to the head of the line.

We'll see about that.

How come you let those kids
go ahead and wouldn't let us?

Give me one good reason.

He's just been drafted.

And I leave in two hours.

Oh, that's a good reason.

Yes, well, I'm terribly sorry.

Please forgive us.

I'm sorry.

Get back in line.

Gosh, all I want is
a little information.

I just want to find
out if Kim's been here.

How are we ever going
to get to that window?

Well, I have an idea.

What? What?

Why don't we
try staying in line?

Oh, you're no help.

Well, after all.

What? Oh.

Mister? Mister?

Yes.

I have a terrible problem.

My name is Lucille Carter,
and I have two teenage children,

a boy and a girl.

And believe me, I do the very
best I can to raise them properly,

and that's not easy these days.

And I would be ever so grateful
to you if you could help me.

Well, lady, I'd
love to help you.

Good.

But I just came in
to borrow a stamp.

I don't want in this department.

How do you like that?

Why is everything so difficult?

All I want is a
little information.

I have some information for you.

We've lost our
place in line again.

- Oh, now, we haven't now.
- We have.

Well, listen, come here.

These nice people will come in.

Excuse me, sir,
but this is our place.

Hey, wait a minute. Hold
it. Hold it. Wait a minute.

You weren't here
when we came in, lady.

Well, but this was our place, and we
only stepped out of place for a minute.

Come on, back of the line.

Come on.

What's with that kooky redhead?

Kooky redhead?

Are you going to let him
talk about me like that?

Sir, I see no reason
for name-calling.

Why, you want to make
something out of it, fatso?

Fatso?

Who are you calling fatso?

[[Inaudible arguing]

Wait! Wait! Wait!

I saw them.

Harry? Harry?

Where are you, Harry?

Argh!

There you are.

Come on.

I just saw them.

I saw them?

Where are you, honey?

Hi, Mom.

Hello, Craig.

Mom, that was me.

Kim!

Kim, baby.

Oh, Kim, baby.

Oh, I just hope this
thing works out all right.

So do we, Mrs. Carter.

And I'm going to see if Uncle
Harry can't get you a good job, Don.

Hey, that'd be swell.

Mom, he's got a good
job. He's a box boy.

Listen, he's going to need
something a lot better than a box boy.

Kim, darling, I do wish you'd told
me what you kids were doing, though.

Well, Mom, we just thought we'd wait
until we finished and got our grades back.

Well, now you know you can
confide in your mother any time.

You can tell me any-

Your grades?

Yeah.

I think we'll get an
A on this project.

Project?

Mom, we're doing a project on teenage
marriages and how impractical they are.

We even went down to city
hall and interviewed a judge.

Oh.

Oh, you went to city hall
and you just talked to a judge.

You didn't go down to ma-ma-ma-
you just talked to a judge.

Mom, you didn't think that Don and I
went down there to get married, did you?

Of course not. What do
you think I am, stupid?

For heaven sake.

I know you kids have
too much sense for that.

Come in.

Oh, oh, it's you.

Frankly, I'm not sure.

Yeah.

Don't say anything about
us being down there.

Uncle Harry, what
happened to you?

What are you two
kids doing here?

Oh, well, they're working on their
teenage marriages are ridiculous project

that they went down to city hall to
talk to a judge about, that's what.

And don't ask
anymore silly questions.

My question wasn't nearly
as silly as your answer.

What I mean is Kim and Don -

Mom, Mom, I'll
explain it to him later.

Go on. Ask him, will you?

Go on.

Ask him what?

About getting a
good job for Don.

He's got a good job.

What's wrong with
being a box boy?

Listen, let's all sit
down now and relax.

I'll go out and make
some sandwiches, huh?

Oh, and are you going to make
some of that delicious coffee of yours?

I sure am.