01x07 - Lucy and Eva Gabor

[bunniefuu]

[announcer] Here's Lucy,

starring Lucille Ball.

Co-Starring Gale Gordon,

Lucie Arnaz and Desi Arnaz, Jr.

Valley of the Puppet?

I'm not reading on company time.

I'm reading on my lunch hour.

How could you read a book
like The Valley of the Puppet?

Easily. It's very easy reading.

It was banned in Boston.

Oh, I know. I know.

It was even barred in Tijuana.

Well, it's trash.

Yeah, I know it's trash. I know.

You should be
ashamed of yourself.

I ought to be ashamed.
I am ashamed.

Well, I should hope so.

I'm surprised at you, reading a
book like The Valley of the Puppets.

Yeah. Well, how do you
know so much about it?

Because I - never mind.

Look, will you finish your
lunch in the other room?

This place is a mess.

It looks like a cafeteria.

I have an important business
meeting in a little while.

Oh dear.

- Mr. Carter?
- Oh, yes?

I'm Martin Phillips.

Oh, Mr. Phillips, yes, I've
been expecting you, sir.

- Come in. Come in.
- Thank you.

- Make yourself comfortable.
- I will.

Sit right down, sir. Sit down.

Now, how can I be
of service to you?

I am a literary
agent, Mr. Carter.

I am here on behalf of one
of the authors I represent.

- Uh-huh.
- Now, you of course
have heard of Ava Von Gronyitz.

She wrote The
Valley of the Puppets.

Wow.

I see you've read the book.

Yeah, well, I -a
little-I glanced -a bit.

Did you find it exciting?

Oh, I haven't read anything like
that since Captain Billy's Whiz-bang.

Well, Ms. Von Gronyitz is
in town doing the screenplay.

And since the book is,
shall we say, rather spicy.

She's been besieged by
the public and the press.

Everybody has the
wrong impression of her.

Well, I can't blame them.

From what little I've read she certainly
doesn't sound like a den mother.

Well, that's a popular
misconception, Mr. Carter.

Oh.

I'll get right to the point.

My client needs absolute
privacy to write this screenplay,

so I want you to find her
a place to live with some

nice, average family well nobody
would think of looking for her.

Some family that doesn't
usually take in borders.

Family that doesn't
usually take in borders?

Oh, that's a little rough.

And someone in that family
must be able to take dictation.

That's even rougher.

Well, if you find the right family
I'll pay them $500.00 a week.

That smooths it out.

Your troubles are over, sir.

Your troubles are over.

I will take care of everything.

Well, thank you. I'll leave
it in your hands, Mr. Carter.

You may rest assured that
everything will be just fine, sir.

You did say $500.00 a week?

If you find the right family.

The right family. Of
course. Of course.

Good day, Mr. Carter.

Good day. Good day.

Five.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Quite all right.

I just can't put this book down.

Oh, I understand. I understand.

Tell me, isn't the author of
that book Ava Von Gronyitz?

Yeah, why?

What an amazing coincidence.

What?

Well, Ms. Von
Gronyitz is in town.

She's here?

And I have been asked to find a
normal family with whom she can live.

Now where would I find
a family that would be-

Me. Mine. My family. Me family.

Us. Us.

- You?
- Yes.

That might be a great idea.

It is a great idea.

Great. Great.

Yeah, I think it is. Yes, yes.

And since Ms. Von Gronyitz
would be with you for several weeks.

- Several weeks?
- I will pay you
for the time she stays with you.

You'll pay me?

Mm-hmm.

Oh, imagine having a famous celebrity
as my guest and getting paid for it, too?

And you will be paid very well.

How much?

Fifty dollars a week.

Oh, Harry.

You're so generous.

How true.

Well, come on. Let's go over
to your house and get busy.

Gee, imagine, Ava Von
Gronyitz staying with me.

Oh, I can't wait to get home and
phone all my friends and tell everybody.

You will tell nobody.

Oh, no. That's right.
I won't tell anybody.

- This is a secret.
- Yeah, I can keep a secret.

Wild horses couldn't
drag it out of me.

Good. Good. Come
on. Hurry up. Hurry up.

Gee, I can't believe it.

Imagine her staying with
me and I'm getting paid for it.

Less my 10 percent commission.

Oh, of course.

Yes.

Oh, thank you.

And another thing,

no one, but no one, is to know that
Ms. Von Gronyitz is staying with you.

- No.
- Her presence here must be top secret,

and I want no security leaks.

Uncle Harry, you sound
like J. Edgar Hoover.

Well, it's very important.

Ms. Von Gronyitz
must have privacy.

Stop that and pay attention.

Yes, sir.

And no one gets in
here for any reason,

neither the grocery
boy, the delivery boy,

not even the milkman.

What are we supposed to do, drink
our milk through a straw in a keyhole?

Everyone else has a normal nephew,
and I have to get a Milton Berle.

Oh, good heavens, I've
got to get back to the office.

Oh.

Now, remember
everything I told you.

- I will. I will.
- Everything.

- Don't let anybody in. Very important.
- Don't you worry about a thing.

See you later.

Where are you going?

I have a date.

Oh, no you haven't.

I want you to stay right here
to meet Ms. Von Gronyitz.

Why do I have to stick around
just to meet some old-maid writer?

Mom, I've been trying to
get this date for a month.

It's with a new
girl, Laurie Wilson.

Every guy in the
class wants to date her.

Well, I'm glad
Laurie is so popular.

Then she won't miss you a bit
when you don't show up tonight.

But how can I break the
date at the last minute?

It's very simple.

You just phone her and
say, "Laurie, our date's off.

My mother won't let
me go out tonight."

Oh, Mom.

Look at him.

He looks like I just sentenced
him to the salt mines of Siberia.

Mom, a guy can't call a girl and tell
her that his mother won't let him go out.

He's right, Mom.

And if I call Laurie and tell her
that my mother won't let me go out

I'll be the laughingstock
of the whole school.

Well, but I want you here
when Ms. Von Gronyitz arrives.

I want her to meet
the whole family.

Well, can I keep my
date after I meet her?

Well, okay.

Good heavens, that might be her.

Look pretty now, honey. Smile.

Stand up straight,
will you, Craig?

Hurry up. Get over there.

- Good evening.
- Good evening.

I am Ava Von Gronyitz.

Oh, I know.

And I'm so happy
to have you here.

- Oh, thank you.
- I'm Lucille Carter.

- Won't you come in?
- Oh, thank you. Thank you.

Is that all the
luggage you have?

No, the rest will
be here presently.

But with this one, this one
we have to be very careful.

Oh, do you have
your jewels in there?

No.

In here I have my
Hungarian salami.

Hungarian salami?

Yes, yes.

I'm very patriotic about
the kind of heartburn I get.

Oh, I like that.

Oh, I'm going to like you.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, I'd like you to
meet my children.

Ms. Von Gronyitz,
this is my daughter Kim.

- Hello.
- Very pleased to meet you.

She's beautiful.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

And this is my son Craig.

- How do you do?
- How do you do?

What a handsome-looking
young man.

Thank you. Thank you.

Craig, would you take Ms. Von
Gronyitz bag up to her room?

Craig?

What?

Would you please take Ms.
Von Gronyitz bag up to her room?

It would be my pleasure.

Thank you.

Oh, what a peaceful
looking place.

Oh, I'm glad you like it.

I can't tell you how
thrilled we are to have you.

Oh, thank you.

At last I'll be able
to finish my script.

Oh, yes. Yes.

Here you are
going to get privacy.

Nobody will bother you.

Good.

Hello, Laurie?

Our date's off.

My mother won't
let me go out tonight.

Oh, Ava, darling, that was
the most wonderful breakfast.

And thank you for your
recipe for poached eggs.

You're welcome, darling.

You know, that's the first time I
ever poached eggs in champagne.

Now, remember, don't
throw away the juice.

That's the best part of it.

The juice?

Oh, I won't. I won't. No.

You know, I'm so surprised that such
a glamorous and famous woman as you

knows anything about cooking.

Why Lucille, I'm
a wonderful cook.

In fact, tonight I'm going to
cook you for dinner a dish called

[speaking Hungarian]
notsaruka cherkamie.

[speaking Hungarian]
Notsaruka cherkamie?

Gee, it sounds so exotic.

What does it mean in English?

Chopped liver.

Oh.

You know, it's so
wonderful having you with us.

And so exciting knowing that I'm
going to help you with your screenplay.

I just can't wait
to get to work.

Well, wonderful,
let's go to work.

Oh, good.

I have my pad and
my pencil right here.

And I am all ready.

Good.

Let me see.

Let me see.

Fade in.

Fade in!

Oh. This is so exciting

I've never been in
the movies before.

The scene starts in a
lonely cabin at night.

It's only lit by the
light of a full moon.

There in the cabin meeting
secretly are Villiam and Weronica.

You mean William and Veronica?

Yes, darling.
That's what I said.

Villiam and Weronica.

The silence is broken
and Villiam speaks.

Villiam, "I love you, Weronica."

Weronica, "I love
you, too, Villiam."

Villiam, "I vant you
for my vife, darling."

Read that back to
me, darling, please.

The dialogue?

Villiam, "I love you, Weronica."

Weronica, "I love
you, too, Villiam."

Villiam, "I vant you
for my vife, darling."

Wonderful.

Wonderful.

You got it word for word.

Thank you.

You're velcome.

Oh, I hope it isn't a reporter.

Well, if it is I'll
get rid of him.

Nobody gets in here
without the password.

Good.

Who's there?

It's me, Mom.

What's the password?

I forgot the password.

It's Mary had a little lamb.

Mary had a little lamb.

That's it.

You can't be too
careful, you know.

Why didn't you use your key?

I forgot it.

Well, put the milk and the
butter in the refrigerator.

Okay.

Good morning.

Well, hello, darling.

Gee, Ms. Von Gronyitz.

You know, it's hard to
believe you're a writer.

Well, you're beautiful
enough to be a movie star.

Why thank you.

Mom?

Yes, dear?

How would I look as a blonde?

You go put that stuff away.

That's how you'd
look as a blonde.

Oh.

Ah, she's sweet.

Now, what was the last line?

"I vant you for
my vife, darling."

That's right.

Now let me see.

Oh, now who could that be?

Who is it?

It's us.

What's the password?

Mary had a little lamb.

That's it.

It's okay. They're just the
girls that I play bridge with.

But nobody was supposed
to know that I was here.

Well, they won't tell anybody.

They're such big fans of yours.

They just want you to
autograph copies of your book.

Oh, well, all right.

All right. Let them in.

Come in.

[inaudible talking and giggling]

Ava, Ava, these are my friends,
Maude, Nelly and Delores.

And this is Ms.
Ava Von Gronyitz.

Hello, there.

[inaudible talking and giggling]

Now, girls, girls, quick, we'll have
to hurry because we're very busy.

That's right but I'll
autograph your book first.

Oh, I haven't got it.

I'm waiting for it to
come out in paperback.

Then I autograph your book?

Oh, I'm going to borrow
hers when she's finished.

Do you have a book
for me for to autograph?

Oh, yes.

Say something nice.

This isn't my book.

This is Caine Mutiny.

I know, but I'm the president of the PTA
and I couldn't have your book in my house.

Girls, you'll have
to excuse us now.

We have a script to finish.

[inaudible talking and giggling]

No, she loved it. She
loved every minute of it.

Bye-bye.

Well, you see, dear,
that didn't take too long.

No, and it's always such a
pleasure to meet my loyal fans.

That's right.

They're the people that
can make you or break you.

Now, shall we get back to work?

I hope so.

Now, let's see.

Let's see.

Suddenly there was a-
oh, who could that be now?

Who is it?

I have a delivery
for Eva Von Gronyitz.

Is it collect?

No, everything's paid for.

No, no, no.

Oh, let's let him in.

What have you got to lose?

Come in.

Smile.

- Oh!
- Out!

Out.

I was promised
privacy, absolute privacy.

Now, what is happening?

I don't know.

Well, nobody was supposed
to know that I'm here.

I know. I know.

And from now on nobody
will know that you're here.

It will be top secret.

There will be no security leaks.

Hello?

Oh, hi, Millie.

No, dear, look.

Tell the girls I cannot
go bowling tonight

because Ava Von
Gronyitz is staying with me.

Yeah. Okay, dear, bye.

Oh, what a lovely day.

I'm glad that we
took a little time out.

Yeah, I thought we could use a
little fresh air and sunshine after

being indoors all week.

Oh, do you want
me to get it, darling?

Oh, no, no, no. It
may be a reporter.

I don't want you
bothered by anyone.

Here, you do that.

Yes, darling.

Oh, hello.

What do you want?

- Well, I wanted to talk to you.
- Go away.

- You don't understand.
- Go away.

- The lady in the
- in my - Go away.

Ava, have I got
a surprise for you.

What surprise?

Your brother.

My newspaper would like to
know more about your screenplay.

Go away.

Go away.

Go away.

Go away.

Go away.

I have no brothers.

You have no brothers?

No.

Do you have any sisters?

Oh, boy, oh boy, oh
boy, do I have sisters.

Really, I'm sorry I let him in.

Well, they seem to be coming
from all directions today.

- Yeah.
- There was another nut who was trying to
climb over the fence just a little while ago.

Really?

Oh, here he comes again.

Oh, well, here he goes again.

Oh, my gosh.

What's the matter?

That was my boss-in-law.

I mean, my brother-in-boss.

I mean, he's the man who
arranged for you to stay with me.

Oh.

My goodness, my
goodness, he's a big one.

Yeah, he sure is.

He's a fat one, too.

Yeah. Harry, I'm sorry.

I didn't know it was you.

Well, you should
be more careful.

I just stopped by-

[dog barking] Get
away. Get away.

I stopped by to see
how the script was -

Will you get away you little
dog. Get away you little -Argh!

He fell down.

So he did.

Well, aren't you going
to see how he is?

Yeah, in a day or two.

Oh, maybe he hurt
himself. I'd better find out.

Are you all right?

I most certainly
am not all right.

Look what a mess you made of my
$200.00 suit when you squirted me.

But I was the one
who squirted you first.

And what a pleasure it was.

Oh, Ava, this is
my brother-in-law,

Harrison Carter.

How do you do?

Oh, dearly lady, it is
indeed a thrill meeting you.

And may I say that your talent is
only exceeded by your great beauty.

Oh, why thank you.

Okay, Harry.

That's enough knuckle nibbling.

I stopped by to see how
the script was progressing.

It isn't. Every time we start to
work we have another interruption.

That's your fault.

You were supposed to keep
everyone away from Ms. Von Gronyitz.

- Well I... I don't
want excuses.

I want results.

Under no conditions were you to allow
anyone to intrude on Ms. Von Gronyitz time.

Nobody.

Absolutely nobody.

Nobody!

Okay, Harry.

You asked for it.

Well, now wait a minute.

Well, we got rid of another one.

We sure did.

Why did you do that?

You said absolutely no one.

But it doesn't apply to me.

[dog barking] Will
you get away little-

[larger dog barking]

What did you do, bring a friend?

No.

No!

No!

Did it bite him?

Right in the middle
of his $200.00 suit.

Oh boy, I gotta
buy that dog a bone.

Here it is, darling.
Now be very careful.

I will.

I hold it till you to
get up on the ladder.

Okay.

Then you'd better
hold on to the ladder.

- There, that ought to do it.
- Good.

If one more person
comes in here.

I'll go mad.

Well, nobody's gonna
get in through this window.

Or this one either.

And nobody's gonna come in through
that door or they're really gonna get it.

Oh, you know something?

Nobody is gonna interrupt
you until you finish that script.

Good. Then I go
and get my notes.

Okay.

Kids, will you put this outside?

Yeah.

And listen, you two, no interruptions
from you this afternoon, you hear?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

All right.

Who's there?

I'd like to see
Ms. Von Gronyitz.

There's nobody here
by that name. Go away.

I'm Martin Phillips.

I don't care if you're Tiny Tim.

Go away.

I know she's in there.

Harrison Carter
just drove me over.

If he drove you over
here, where is he?

He is parking the car,
and I would like to -

Oh, Carter, I'm
sure you're here.

She won't let me in. She
doesn't know who I am.

Oh, I see.

It's all right, Lucille.
You can let him in.

But you told me
not to let anyone in.

Never mind what I said.

Do what I say.

- But - - Look, he's her agent.

Open the door immediately.

Well, I don't think I should.

Open the door. That's an order.

Are you sure?

Open the door!

All right.

What is the meaning of this?!

That's what I want to know.

Where's Ava?

Ava, where are you?

Ava?

Who is calling me?

I am.

Who are you?

I'm Martin Phillips.

Martin, it's you.

Lucille, it worked
but on the wrong one.

Oh.

Oh, Mr. Phillips,
I'm terribly sorry.

Well, you should be.

Come on, Ava, I want
you out of this squirrel cage.

But I can't leave now.

Why not?

They say you're not getting
any work done on the script.

Well, that's true, darling, but I have
enough material to write a new novel.

What new novel?

It's going to be about a
redheaded woman with two children.

And I'm going to call
it "Life with Lucille."

You -You mean I'm
going to be in a book?

Yes.

Oh, isn't that wonderful.

You see, I told you.

Everything turned out just fine.

Martin, that's
why I can't leave.

Okay. But if you want to stick
around this place it's all right with me.

After all, you're the one
who's paying $500.00 a week.

$500.00?

Who's paying $500.00?

You're paying
$500.00 a week to who?

Yeah, well, now,
I can explain that.

I can explain.

You see, I intended - Well,
actually I was going to -

Yeah, you bet your
life you're going to.

Out, out, out!

Okay, darling.

Let's start on
"Life with Lucille."

Here you are.

Fade in.

The scene opens with me in Cary Grant's
arms and John Vane breaks down the door.

John Vane?

That's what I said, John Vane.

He's a big one.