01x11 - Guess Who Owes Lucy $23.50

[bunniefuu]

[announcer] Here's Lucy,

starring Lucille Ball.

Co-Starring Gale Gordon,

Lucie Arnaz and Desi Arnaz, Jr.

Sorry, Mom, I didn't see you.

I was that redheaded rocket
that just came down off the ceiling.

What a shocker?

What happened?

I was trying to relax
and take a little nap.

Well, Mom, if you want to take a nap
you have to lie down and close your eyes.

The things they teach
kids in school these days.

I thought you two
were going to a movie.

Well, we expected to.

Yeah, but we saw something outside
the theater that was very objectionable.

What?

"Admission: $3.00."

Mother, the phone
is off the hook.

What happens if
Phil tries to get me?

Well, unless Phil has made
a scientific breakthrough

he's going to get a busy signal.
Now just leave it there, will you?

I want to get a little rest.

Look, why don't you
two go out and play?

Go out and play?

Mother, I think we're
a little old for that.

All right then, go out and work.

Craig.

Why don't we go
over to the Henchy's?

What fun is that?

Annie has a real cute girl
visiting from San Francisco.

Craig, why don't we
go over to the Henchy's?

Goodbye, darling.

Bye, Mom.

Bye-bye.

Oh, boy.

I get more rest working
out with the L.A. Rams.

Whatever it is I don't want any.

Come on in.

You know, you look exactly
like - Oh, but you couldn't be.

But you must be
with all those freckles.

Are you?

Are you really you?

Well, who do you think I am?

Aw, come on.

You're Van Johnson.

Well.

I'm Lucy Carter.

Oh, it's nice meeting you.

Awfully sorry to barge in on you
like this, but my car just broke down.

Oh.

The transmission is shot.

May I use your phone?

Oh, of course. Of course.

Oh, imagine, Van
Johnson using my phone.

There you are.

May I use the other part, too?

Oh, of course.

It's only a local call.

Oh, I wouldn't care
if it was Timbuktu.

I mean, just call
anywhere you like.

I mean, like, well, if you were
selling potato peelers I'd buy them all.

Thank you.

Knowing that might
come in handy someday.

The line is busy.

Oh, what, were you
calling the auto club?

No, my manager. I did
an awful dumb thing.

Oh, you couldn't have.

Oh, but I did. I left
my wallet home.

I don't have my auto club
card and no credit cards,

not even any money,
so I'm stranded.

I want to see if I can get
some cash from my manager.

Oh.

Oh, well, Mr. Johnson, I'd be
glad to lend you some money.

Oh, I couldn't.

I insist.

Well, I am in kind of a hurry.

Fine.

Could you spare a
couple of hundred?

Couple of hundred?

What happened to your
car, the motor fall out?

Actually, I'd appreciate
anything you can spare.

Oh, good. Good.

You know something?

What?

You really are
my favorite actor.

Well, thank you.

I bet I've seen every
picture you've ever made.

Well, that's very flattering.

I even remember you in
"The Romance of Rosy Ridge."

- You were the - - You
know, I am in kind of a hurry.

Oh, the money. Yeah. Yeah.

Let's see now, I
have some right here.

Let's see now,
$5.00, $10.00, $15.00,

$20.00, $21.00, $22.00, $23.50.

Twenty-three fifty?

Yeah.

Oh.

Oh, don't think I don't
appreciate this. I owe you $23.50.

Oh, well.

My secretary will bring it
over tomorrow morning.

And thank you very much.

- Oh, that's-Oh, listen,
Mr. Johnson, - What?

I'd be glad to drive you
wherever you're going.

Oh, no thanks. I
need the exercise.

Oh, well, maybe I could give
you something before you leave.

Maybe a little coffee, tea
or a nice bowl of oatmeal?

Oatmeal.

No, thank you.

Oh, well, maybe I could fix your
car or at least push it to the garage.

Thanks anyway.

Van Johnson!

Oh, Mr. Johnson,
these are my children.

- This is Kim and Craig.
- Hello, Kim.

- Hello, Craig.
- How do you do?

You're the biggest star I've ever
met outside of Annette Funicello?

Annette Funicello?

Oh, in my house
that's a big compliment.

Oh, Mr. Johnson, I just loved you
in "His, Hers and Somebody Else's."

Thanks, but the name
of the picture was

"Yours, Mine and Ours."

Yeah.

Did you enjoy playing that part?

Oh, yes. I loved working
with that kookie redhead.

Yeah.

Well, personally, I thought she
was much too young for Henry Fonda.

How nice to have met
you. I have to run along now.

And thanks again, Mrs. Carter, if
there's anything I can ever do to

return the favor, please
don't hesitate to call on me.

Oh, thank you.

[all saying goodbye]

Goodbye, Van.

Mother, you never
told us you knew him.

What was he doing here?

Yeah, and what
favor did you do him?

Oh, he just dropped by
to borrow a little money.

Good morning.

Yours may be good.

Mine I wouldn't
even wish on you.

I've got nothing but trouble.

Well, here's something that'll
take your mind off your troubles.

Guess who owes me $23.50?

I am not interested in
your deadbeat friends.

Douglas Alamo
Davidson is in town.

Douglas Alamo Davidson?

Yes.

He just flew up from Dallas,
and he'll be in any minute.

Well, I'm finally going to
meet that big Texas tycoon.

He's kind of an
oddball, isn't he?

That oddball happens to
be my most important client.

Yeah, I know.

Oh, I dread his visits,
but I adore his money.

Oh, I wonder what
he wants this time.

Well, here I am!

Harry Carter, you old
horse thief, how are you?

Hey, oh.

Say, who is this
pretty young filly?

That's my secretary.

Secretary!

Why you old pole cat.

You really know
how to pick them.

She's my sister-in-law.

Sister-in-law. Oh.

Lucy, this is Douglas
Alamo Davidson.

- How do you do, sir?
- Nice meetin' ya, ma'am.

Nice meetin' ya.

Oh, Carter, you old sidewinder.

Oh, I've really got a
humdinger for you this time.

Oh, good.

Yeah. I want you to rustle me
up a big moving picture star.

A big moving picture star.

Yeah, a big star that can sing.

I want him to come down to my ranch
and I-Well, I want him to entertain Ethel.

It's her birthday.

Oh, yes. Of course.
Of course. Ethel.

How is your charming wife?

My charming wife's
a pain in the neck.

Ethel's my cow.

You want a big star
to sing to your cow?

- Maybe you think I'm a little loco.
- Oh, no. No.

I -I know a lot of people
that sing to animals.

I have a friend that
sings to her canary.

Sings to it every morning.

She sings, "When the red-red-red robin
comes bob-bob-bobbin' along, along."

And she also has a cat.

She doesn't exactly sing to
the cat, but she hums to it.

She goes, "Hm-mm,
kitty, kitty, kitty."

I don't think you're
loco to sing to animals.

Well, maybe I am a little loco,

but because I've got so much
money they call me eccentric.

Oh.

Well, they call my friend nuts.

Don't you have
some typing to do?

No, sir.

- What?
- Yeah. Oh, I sure have.

Now, Mr. Davidson, let
me get this straight now.

The order is for one big
motion picture star to fly to Texas

to your ranch to sing
to your cow, Ethel.

Now, have you any suggestions
as to how I could approach a big star

on this unorthodox assignment?

You just tell him I'll give
him fifty-thousand dollars.

Oh, that's a nice approach.

Well, you see, old Ethel,
she's something special.

And, well, I want to do something
special for her on her birthday.

- What's so special about Ethel?
- What's so special about Ethel?!

- Yeah.
- Why, ma'am,

Ethel turned me in from a poor and
old dairy farmer into a multimillionaire.

Oh.

Well, I went out one evening to milk
her and I smelled oil on her breath.

- No.
- Yes.

So the next morning I followed her out to
pasture and where she munched I drilled.

Wow.

For a cow like that you ought to fly in
the whole Mormon Tabernacle Choir.

I don't want to spoil her or
anything like that, you see.

- One star will be enough, huh?
- Yeah. One big star will be enough.

- Carter?
- Huh?

I'll have one of my
aerial planes up here,

and you fly that
star down there.

Well, bye, you all.

Bye-bye, you all.

Wait. Mister-Mr. Davidson?

Mister, when do you
want the star down there?

Oh, you've got plenty of time.

Not until tomorrow night.

[singing] Oh, give me a
home where the buffalo roam.

Tomorrow night?

Where am I going to get a
star to sing to a stupid cow?

Who can I get?

Maybe I could get Van Johnson.

If I don't deliver I will lose
the whole Davidson account.

- Harry, listen to me.
- Yeah?

Maybe I can get Van Johnson.

Good.

And if he isn't available why don't
you try that other Johnson boy?

Who's that?

Lyndon.

He's from Texas and
he could use the work.

Van Johnson promised
to do me a favor when he

dropped by my house
yesterday to borrow $23.50.

Please, I don't want to hear
any more of your wild tale.

I'm telling you, Van
Johnson was at my house.

Listen, I'm telling you the truth,
and I'm not sure that I can get him,

but I can at least try.

Do that.

And if you get Van Johnson I will
carry you piggyback to Catalina Island.

I'll drink to that.

Van Johnson's dressing room.

No, sir, Mr. Johnson's
not here now.

Oh, this is his manager.

What's that, sir?

He told you his car broke down and he
borrowed $100.00 from you last week?

Well, that's impossible.

Mr. Johnson's been on
location in Hawaii for eight weeks.

He just got back this morning.

That man's a phony, an impostor.

Mister, I wish you
would call the police.

As a matter of fact I'm going to
check with them myself right now.

Nice to have you
back, Mr. Johnson.

Nice to be back.

- And you look wonderful.
- Thank you.

You know, that Hawaiian
sunshine is really something.

I can't tell whether I have a terrific
tan or all my freckles ran together.

Oh, by the way, there's a
Lucy Carter waiting to see you.

Lucy Carter? I don't
know any Lucy Carter.

Well, she said she
was a friend of yours.

Oh, what does she look like?

Oh, she's very attractive.

Has bright red hair
and big blue eyes.

No.

No, if I ever met a girl
like that I'd remember.

Oh, well, I'll get rid of her.

No, no. Send her
in. Send her in.

All right.

Come in, Ms. Carter.

Oh, thank you.

Hi.

Hi.

How's your transmission?

Fine.

How's your transmission?

Not too good. I'm
afraid it won't last long.

Oh, I'm terribly
sorry to hear that.

I guess you didn't
expect to see me so soon.

No, I didn't.

How soon has it been?

Oh, it's been all
of about 24 hours.

- Twenty-four hours?
- Yeah.

You know, the kids haven't
stopped talking about you?

They haven't?

No. They just couldn't
get over coming home and,

well, you know, finding
us together like that.

Like what?

You know, together.

I still haven't told them
what you really came over for.

I kept them guessing, and they have come
up with some of the wildest conclusions.

Well, you know how kids are.

Yeah, but - Oh, Mr. Johnson,
I know you're busy,

and I hate to take
advantage of you so soon,

but you know that favor
that you promised me?

Favor?

Yeah. I really could use it now.

You do sing, don't you?

Sure.

You want me to sing to you?

Not to me. No.
To a cow in Dallas.

Sing to a cow?

Yeah, it's her birthday.

Oh, well, that's different.

Why didn't you say
so in the first place?

A cow, huh?

Yeah, and her name is Ethel.

This is a little hard to
believe but she's the

one whose breath
Mr. Davidson smelled the oil on.

Why, that's not
hard to believe at all.

I once had a pony who used
to get stoned on turpentine.

No kidding?

Listen, Mr. Johnson, I'm going
to want you to do this tonight.

Tonight?

Yeah.

It's for Douglas Alamo Davidson,
the big cattle and oil millionaire.

And he'll give you
$50,000.00 for it.

Fifty thousand dollars
to sing to a cow?

Yeah.

You know something? I've
been wasting my time with people.

Oh, and not only that, if
I get you to sing to Ethel,

my boss said he would carry
me piggyback to Catalina.

Oh, what a lovely way to go.

- I've never seen Catalina.
- Oh, boys, I'm glad you could drop in.

Would you mind escorting
Mrs. Carter to the gate, please?

- What?
- Trouble, Mr. Johnson?

No. I just wanted you
to help my visitor out.

Well, wait a minute now, what
is this, some kind of a brush off?

No, no.

Just tell Ethel I
said happy birthday.

This is no way to treat a fan who has
seen "The Romance of Rosy Ridge" 17 times.

I loaned you $23.50 to fix
your car, and what do I get for it?

The bum's rush.

Now I'm glad you got
court-martialed in the Caine Mutiny.

I'm glad.

They should have hung you.

Gosh.

Wow, what a crackpot.

Hey, what was that all about?

Oh, another one
of my loyal fans.

A redheaded ding-a-ling who claims
she loaned me $23.50 to fix my car.

Uh-oh.

She might not be
such a ding-a-ling.

What?

Well, there's some
guy using your name.

He's been going all over town
conning people out of money.

They say he's a
dead-ringer for you.

You're kidding?

Who could possibly look like me?

It takes the make-up men three
hours a day to make me look like me.

Well, somebody does.

But don't worry about it.

The police have
already picked him up.

Hey, then maybe that redhead might
have been on the level about everything.

Could be.

Well, if she really thought she did me a
favor, then maybe I ought to do her one.

Anyone who saw "The
Romance of Rosy Ridge" 17

times and still loans me
money deserves a favor.

But singing to a cow in Dallas?

Why I continue listening
to you amazes me.

But Harry.

"Maybe I can get
Van Johnson for you.

Van Johnson promised
to do me a favor."

But he did.

Sure he did.

I don't believe you ever got
any closer to Van Johnson

than the last row of the
balcony at the Paramount.

Van Johnson did
come to my house.

Oh, to think I wasted the only day
we have letting you handle things.

If I lose the Davidson
account I'm through.

Finished!

Am I asking too much?

All I want is a big star to
fly to Texas to sing to a cow.

I guess I am asking too much.

I'm ruined.

Hello?

Oh.

Oh, hello, Mr. Davidson.

Of course.

Of course I'll be
there tonight, yes.

And with a big star, too.

Yes.

Who?

Well, if I tell you, you'll tell Ethel
and that would spoil the surprise.

Yeah, I'll be
seeing you partner.

You got me into this, and
you will get me out of it.

But this time we'll
do things my way.

Now, come on!

Dag-doggies, we're gonna
have a party here tonight.

Hey, Doug.

Hey, you old rattlesnake.

Boy, I really gotta
hand it to you.

Who else would ever think of
having a birthday party with a real,

- genuine movie star to sing to the cow?
- Shh.

It's supposed to be a surprise.

Don't say S-T-A-R
in front of the C-O-W.

Oh, there you are,
Carter, you old saddle trap.

Oh, I'm glad to see you.

Yeah.

Say, folks, now pay attention.

I want you to meet
Harrison Carter.

Now, he ain't no Texan, but
he's a real nice fella anyway.

Say, partner,
where's the S-T-A-R?

The S-T-A-Oh, the star.

Oh, well, she's
here. She's here.

Oh, she?

Oh, you brought
us a little lady.

Yeah.

Well, bring her
on. Bring her on.

Well, I'd like to give
her a proper introduction.

Well, you just
go right on ahead.

Pay attention, everybody,
now pay attention.

Ladies and gent -Folks,

may I present the sex symbol
of sunny Italy, Ms. Gina Linguini.

Gina, this is your host,
Douglas Alamo Davidson.

Hello, gumba.

Hey, real nice
meeting ya', ma'am.

Real nice meeting ya.

What's new on the via beneto?

She's null errupta
for a long time.

So I'll say, Ms. Gina, what
are you going to sing for Ethel?

Oh, well, I don't know. What
does she want to hear, huh?

Why don't just sing something
that you'll feel at home with?

One of them Italian numbers.

How's-a-dat?

Italian numbers.

You know a good Italian number?

Sure, Roman 9685.

Sing!

All right. I sing.

I sing a nice Italian number.

Hello, bambina, hello.

[singing in fake Italian] Bella
luna, metz malla, momma mia...

Van Johnson?

What a cotton-picking surprise.

Oh, you are a sly old skunk.

Oh yeah. Oh yeah. I am. I am.

Hey, Mr. Johnson.

I ought to say I'm
mighty happy to meet you.

Why don't you say howdy
to that great Italian actress,

Ms. Lela Linguini?

How do you do?

Hello, gumba.

Ms. Linguini, I've enjoyed
every one of your pictures.

I think you're even
funnier than Sophia Loren.

I think-a you pull-a my leg.

I don't pull-a your leg, but
it sounded like lotsa-da fun.

Hey, say, partner, you actor folk
ever cross trails out there in Hollywood?

No, but she does remind
me of someone that I used to -

Arrivederci.

[speaking Italian]

Don't you dare.

That means I'll
pay you the $23.50.

Oh, that's-a nice.

I'm a little confused.

I came down here to sing
to Ethel unless you'd rather.

Oh, no.

I think maybe you have
a better voice for cows.

Thanks a lot.

Mr. Davidson, I'm ready.

Fine.

Now, all right, now,
everybody pay attention.

Hey, little lady, you just go
right over there and sit down.

And everybody-Ethel,
you pay attention, too.

Now, let her rip, cowboy.

Let her rip.

[singing] Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday, dear Ethel.

Happy birthday to you.

Now, Ethel, honey, you
make just a big wish because

we're gonna all help you
blow out all those candles.

Well, hop on if you still want
that piggyback ride to Catalina.

It's the only way to fly.

Come on now, big boy.