01x12 - Lucy, the Matchmaker

[bunniefuu]

[announcer] Here's Lucy,

starring Lucille Ball.

Co-Starring Gale Gordon,

Lucie Arnaz and Desi Arnaz, Jr.

Come on, Harry.

Oh, Lucille, that was
a wonderful dinner.

Thank you.

You know, a home-cooked meal
means a lot to a bachelor like me.

I know.

Well, I hate to eat and run, but I
have some things to do at home.

Like what?

Well, the place needs dusting.

I have to empty the garbage.

Oh, and I have
some ironing to do.

Ironing? Don't you send
your things to the laundry?

Yes, yes.

But I don't trust
anyone with my shorts.

Well, why not,
for heaven's sake?

Well, once someone
put starch in them.

When I sat down they broke.

Well, I'd better go.

Harry, may I ask you a question?

What?

How come you never married?

Were you ever in love?

Yes.

Yes, once.

- Really?
- Yeah.

It was a wild,
wonderful romance.

It was?

Yes.

When it ended we
were both heartbroken.

There was only one way
to forget an affair like that:

the French Foreign Legion.

I didn't know you were
in the Foreign Legion.

Not me.

Her.

Oh.

Well, I must go.

Oh, Kim, Craig,
Uncle Harry is leaving.

Goodbye, Uncle Harry.

Thanks for coming.

- Thank you.
- Bye-bye, Uncle Harry.

- Goodbye.
- Thanks for coming.

- Goodnight, Harry.
- Thanks again. It was lovely.

- It was nice having you, Harry.
- Goodnight, Uncle Harry.

Oh boy.

What's the matter, Mom?

For the first time in my life
I feel sorry for Uncle Harry.

Why?

It's a lonely life
being a bachelor.

Lonely?

Why doesn't he get one of those
apartments for swinging singles?

I can't wait till I get my own.

Those apartments are for
men between 21 and 35.

You're too young.

And Uncle Harry's too old.

Yeah, but it must be
great to be Mr. In-Between.

Oh, Craig, cut it out.

You're too young to know the
real meaning of being a bachelor.

I do too.

A bachelor is a man who doesn't
make the same mistake once.

Oh, Craig.

- Mom?
- What?

Why don't you try and
arrange a date for Uncle Harry.

He may meet someone nice,
fall in love and get married.

It could change his
whole personality.

Oh, what a lovely thought.

Gee, I wonder if we
could find a girl for him.

Well, the three of us should
be able to think of someone.

Who can we get?

See you later.

Where you going?

Up to my room.

I'm not gonna stay here
and fink on my fellow man.

Young or old, men
are all the same.

Now, let's see, where can
we find Uncle Harry a date?

Hey, Mom, why don't not try one
of those computer dating services?

Computer dating service?

Yeah, they're always
advertising in the papers.

Where? You mean the
regular want-ad section?

Mm-hmm.

Oh, yeah.

They've got lots of them.

Oh, look at the catchy
names they have for them.

Select-a-Spouse Dating Service.

And this one, Get-a-Gal.

Find-a-Fellow.

Gee, I wonder if these
things ever work out.

Well, sure they do.

I heard about a couple that
were matched up by a computer,

introduced by a computer.

They were even
married by a computer.

- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

And today they're the proud
parents of a 6-pound adding machine.

Oh, you.

Listen, do you really
think we could call...

Oh, excuse me, sir.

Oh, please, come right in.

Welcome to Select-a-Spouse
Dating Service.

I'm Mr. Morton.

Oh, how do you do?

I'm Lucille Carter, and
I'm here to get a date.

Well, it shouldn't be difficult to find a
date for an attractive woman like you.

Oh, no, no, no.

It's not for me.

It's for a friend.

Hmm. It always is.

No, no, really. Really. It -
it's for my brother-in-law.

His name is Harrison Carter.

Oh, I see.

Well, would you step
right over here, please?

Now, if you could give me
some information on Mr. Carter,

I'll feed it into the computer, and
we'll see what we can come up with.

Oh, all right.

Now, then how tall is he?

Oh, he's about


Mm-hmm.



Hmm.

And how much does he weigh?

Uh, About -let's see.

He's - He's fat.

Slightly overweight.

And how old is he?

Ten years older than he says.

He lies a lot.

Now, tell me, what type of
woman would Mr. Carter prefer:

young, mature, thin,
plump, short, tall?

Rich.

Loaded.

And would he prefer a
blonde, a redhead or brunette?

If she has enough
money she can be bald.

It doesn't matter.

Oh yes.

How would you best describe
your brother-in-law's disposition?

His disposition?

Mm-hmm.

Well-

Pleasant?

Fair?

Average?

Unstable?

Irritating?

Miserable?

Bingo.

Not very charming.

All right.

Now, we'll correlate all this information
you've given me on your brother-in-law

and we'll see what the
computer has to say.

- Okay.
- Mm-hmm.

There we are.

Fine. Fine.

Oh.

Ah.

Holy mackerel!

Uncle Harry blew up the machine.

No, no.

It's just a minor malfunction.

Excuse me.

There we are.

Pardon me.

A little reset, on the rayostat,
and there we go again.

Would you step this way, please?

And there we have it.

Our computers never fail.

It has found a match
for your brother-in-law.

Oh, good. What is their name?

Oh, we never give names.

We just give
identifying numbers.

Oh.

I'll arrange a meeting
with Mr. Carter.

Oh, now, look, I don't want
Mr. Carter to know about this.

I want to meet
the young lady first.

So if you would just have her meet me
tomorrow for lunch at this coffee shop.

Well, I think that
could be arranged.

She's 42, 26, 38.

Wow.

She's a big one.

No, no.

That's her identification
number, not her measurements.

Oh.

Oh, well, thank you very much.

Well, thank you for
selecting Select-a-Spouse.

Oh, well, it - it was
kind of fun really.

I enjoyed it.

Thank you.

Bye.

Pardon me; are you 42, 26, 38?

Forty-two, twenty-six,
thirty-eight?

No, but thanks.

Oh, I'm sorry.

You're sorry?

Lucy!

Viv!

Oh, Viv!

I never expected that you were
standing right there all the time.

- I just now recognized.
- What a surprise.

You look absolutely marvelous.

Oh, so do you. You
haven't changed a bit.

What are you doing in town?
Don't you still live in New Mexico?

Yeah. I still live in Santa Fe.

Oh, well, what are
you doing here?

Well, I came out here to
make a movie with John Wayne.

No!

You're right.

I came out here because my
number came up at Select-a-Spouse.

You're not - Don't tell me
you're number 42-26-38?

Don't tell me you're my date?

No, no.

- You're the woman I was supposed to meet.
- Yeah, yeah.

- Sit down now and tell me all about...
- Imagine seeing you.

- I never expected to see
you in a million years.
- I don't believe.

- We're always running into - - I've
never been so surprised in my life.

- How have you been, honey?
- I've been wonderful.

Oh, no, now, never mind.

- What?
- Tell me all about the man I'm
supposed to meet.

Is he tall?

Is he a big spender?

What kind of a
car does he drive?

Is he handsome?

I can tell by the look on your
face a Rock Hudson he ain't.

- Okay, Viv, I'll tell you all about him.
- Okay.

Now, look, we're old friends.

I'll be honest with you.

Your date is my brother-in-law.

Horrible Harry?

In person.

Did you have to tell me
that on an empty stomach?

You may not know this, Lucy, but I
had a date with Harry many years ago.

- You did?
- Yeah.

And I must admit it was
from him that I learned

the meaning of those
three little words.

I love you?

No.

It's Dutch treat.

I should have known.

He is the cheapest
man that ever lived.

And after dinner he drove me up
on top of lover's lane and we watched

the lights come
on all over the city.

Gee, I never knew
Harry could be romantic.

Romantic, nothing.

He owns stock in
the electric company.

And then when we got home
he invited me up to his apartment.

Oh, to see his etchings?

No.

To do his laundry.

Of all the nerve.

I got even with him though.

How?

I put starch in his shorts.

Oh, so you're the one.

I put so much starch in those shorts
I'll bet he didn't sit down for weeks.

Serves him right.

Harrison Carter: a cheap,
arrogant, egotistical stinker.

Yeah, and you want
to call this date off, huh?

Oh, of course not. He's a man.

You mean you still
want to go out with him?

Well, nobody's perfect.

And I can't afford to be choosy.

After all, I'm not
getting any younger.

By the way, Viv,
how old are you?

Thirty-four.

Oh, you are getting younger.

Never mind.

I'd like to see Harry
again, judge for myself.

And if it doesn't
work out, so what.

There are a lot of
fish left on the beach.

You mean in the sea?

No, I mean on the beach.

When I get them
they're all washed up.

Yeah, well, that's
Harry all right.

All right. You come over
to my house for dinner

tonight, and I'll arrange
to have him there.

You know, he might not show up at
your house at all if he knows I'm his date.

Well, don't worry then.
I won't tell him the truth.

What'll you tell him?

I'll tell him that his date is a
beautiful, sexy, gorgeous creature.

I thought you weren't
going to tell him the truth.

Hello, Lucille.

Oh, hello.

Oh, were there any
calls for me this morning?

No, sir. How did
your meeting go?

Oh, fine, fine.

What happened to your finger?

Oh, it's nothing. Nothing.

I burned it last night while
I was ironing my shorts.

I shouldn't have tried to get
fancy and put a pleat in the seat.

Harry, washing and
ironing is woman's work.

Have you ever thought
of getting married?

Oh, yes. Frequently.

Well, why don't you
do something about it?

Well, maybe I would if
I could find the right girl.

Well, now I'll remember
that and be on the lookout.

All right.

Wait a minute.

It's fate.

Kismet.

Destiny.

What is?

Have I got a girl for you.

I ran into an old friend of mine,
and she's coming to dinner tonight.

Oh, why didn't I
think of this before?

Harry, I want you
to join us for dinner,

- and then you and she could - -
Well, now, wait -wait a minute there.

Let's not rush into things.

Now, I won't take
no for an answer.

We're having pot roast.

Oh, Harry, you'll
just love this girl.

She's cute.

She's witty.

She's charming.

Oh, boy.

Pot roast.

Yes, Harry, and this
girl is a wonderful cook.

Oh, what does she look like?

I told you she's cute.

So is a c*ck spaniel.

Does she have a good figure?

She has beautiful blonde hair.

Does she have a good figure?

And she has big blue eyes.

Does she have a good figure?

And she's got the cutest
little turned-up nose.

Does she have a good figure?

And she has a dimple right here.

Never mind the roof.

What about the foundation?

She has a good figure,
and I know you'll like her.

Oh. Well.

And Harry, after you
have dinner you can take

her to some nightclub
and dance, and then -

Hold it. Hold -hold it.

What's the matter?

I refuse to go out alone
with a strange woman.

You'll join us.

Oh, Harry.

Two's company; three's a crowd.

Well, then get yourself a
date and we'll go double.

Where am I going to dig
up a date at the last minute?

That's your problem.

Just grab your shovel
and start digging.

Either we double date
or the whole deal is off.

- Oh, Harry.
- It is.

I'm sorry.

Coming.

Coming.

Hi.

- Oh, don't you look beautiful.
- Oh, thank you.

- Turn around, let's see that.
- Oh, you look lovely, too.

- I like that.
- Thank you.

Mm.

Ooh, and that perfume
you're wearing, it's divine.

You like that?

Yeah.

It's Fleur de Passion.

What?

That means flower of passion.

Oh, I never did under Spanish.

That's French.

Oh, is it? Is it? Is it?

It's supposed to make
men absolutely mad for you.

Do you think it'll
do that for Harry?

Yeah, but to make sure you better
dab a $10.00 bill behind each ear.

Oh, my, this is a darling
place you've got here, Lucy.

- You like it, Viv?
- Yeah.

We like it. Yeah.

Do you know what
your date is like?

No.

Like I told you on the phone all
I know is his number, 74-32-59.

Oh, well, we'll just
have to wait and see.

Yeah, I guess so.

Mom?

Oh, don't tell
me. Don't tell me.

This must be Craig.

Yeah, you're right.

Craig, I want you to meet
Vivian Roberta Jones,

my oldest friend.

You could have said
my dearest friend.

- Pleased to meet you.
- Oh, I'm so glad to know you, Craig.

Ooh, I wish he was my date.

Oh, you.

Mother, where'd you
put my pink scarf?

Good heavens.

Don't move.

It's amazing.

Positively amazing.

What is?

She is absolutely the image
of you when you were her age.

Oh, my goodness.

The same mouth.

The same kind of cute little
eyes, that cute little nose.

And the same long, black hair.

Mother, I thought you told
me you had natural red hair.

I did.

I do.

Well, if you had black
hair when you were my age,

how can you have
natural red hair now?

Because I have lots
of iron in my blood,

and when I washed
my hair it rusted.

And let's drop the subject.

Kim, this is my dearest
friend, Vivian Big Mouth.

Vivian Jones.

Hi.

Oh, it's so nice
to know you, Kim.

Nice to meet you.

Ms. Jones, did you
go to school with Mom?

Yes, I did.

Kindergarten right straight
through high school.

Yeah, and what kind
of a student was she?

- Well - - I always
got straight A's.

She always got straight A's.

When you graduated was
Mom really the valedictorian?

The valedictorian?

[laughs]

Kim, go upstairs and
do your homework.

I finished it.

Well, then do it again.

Don't you want to be a
valedictorian like Mom?

All right. Both of
you upstairs, go on.

Go on. Go on.

Bye.

A fine pal you are, embarrassing
me in front of my children.

Oh, I'm sorry, Lucy.

The stories you must
have told those children.

Well-Ooh, that must be Harry.

Oh, wait, just a minute.

What's the matter?

I want to dab on some
more of my secret weapon.

Listen, Viv, why
don't you wait upstairs,

and then after he comes in
you can make a grand entrance.

- That's a good idea.
- Okay.

I'll do that.

Hurry up.

Good evening, Harry.

Good evening, Lucille.

I'm so glad you could
make it. Do come in.

Thank you.

Is - is my date here yet?

Yes. She's upstairs.

Oh.

Oh, I hope I like her.

Oh, I'm sure you will, Harry.

Honey, your date is here.

You're in for a
big surprise, Harry.

Hello, Harry.

You!

I told you it was a surprise.

Surprise nothing.

It's a shock.

Oh, you always
were so funny, Harry.

Yeah, that's funny, Harry.

Well, why don't you two
sit down and get acquainted.

And I'm going out to see
how dinner is coming along.

Well, come on, Harry.
Let's sit down, huh?

I don't want to sit down.

What's the matter, you still
got that starch in your shorts?

Oh, Harry, let's let
bygones be bygones, huh?

Come on over here.

Sit down, huh?

Now, Harry, this sofa is much
more comfortable than that chair.

I know, but you
grabbed it first.

Harry, you know
something, you've improved.

You know, you've
matured so well.

You are really
ruggedly handsome.

I know.

Did anybody ever tell you that you
that you look exactly like Richard Burton?

Yes.

Well, dinner's
coming along just -

Harry, why don't you sit on the
sofa? That chair is so uncomfortable.

Oh, it's comfortable enough.

But it's broken.

Seems okay to me.

Well, that seat has
a peculiar tilt to it.

When men sit in it, money
falls out of their pockets.

Why don't you sit
on the sofa, Harry?

Really, it's much
more comfortable.

I'm just gonna have to
keep an eye on my dinner.

Oh, that fragrance.

Oh, what a heavenly aroma.

Oh, it's enough to
drive a man mad.

Oh, I'm so glad
you like it, Harry.

It's Fleur de Passion.

No, it's pot roast.

Oh, I've got to go in the
kitchen and see that for myself.

Oh.

What's with him?

I spent $30.00 an ounce
for perfume, and he has

to go in the kitchen to
smell a $3.00 pot roast.

I should have put a dab
of gravy behind each ear.

I've had it, Lucy.
I'm gonna tell him off.

Oh, now, Viv. Please,
please, be patient with him.

After all, he's been
a bachelor so long,

and he's had his own way.

He's just a little spoiled.

A little spoiled?

He's rancid.

Oh, please, now
don't ruin the evening.

I'll admit that Harry is no bargain,
but as you said, he's a man.

So was Attila the Hun.

- Lucille, Lucille.
- Yes?

That pot roast is perfection.

Oh, well, I'm so
glad you like it.

Vivian gave me the recipe.

She's a fantastic cook.

I am?

Oh, yes. Oh, I am.

How nice.

Oh.

Oh, that must be my date.

Isn't this exciting?

Yes, yes. Now we can eat.

Oh, good evening.

Good evening.

I'm 74-32-59.

I believe I am expected.

Oh, are you.

I mean, yes, you are.
Won't you come in?

Thank you.

Oh, my name is Bradley Henshaw.

Is it now?

Bradley Henshaw.

Oh, that's a beautiful name.

Has such rhythm to it.

A lot of character.

It certainly does suit you.

Oh, oh, I'd like you to
meet Vivian Roberta Jones.

Ms. Jones, I'm charmed.

Oh, you're charm -
oh, you can -well, yes.

Oh, likewise.

I'm Lucille Carter, and
this is Harrison Carter.

How do you do, sir?

Nice to meet you, Mr. Carter.

You certainly have
a lovely looking wife.

Wife?

You make a very handsome couple.

Oh, don't they make a
handsome couple though?

Viv?

And I don't think we make
such a bad-looking couple either.

Viv?

Well, let's go, Brad.

Oh, aren't you
two coming with us.

Oh, no, no.

Lucille feels that having an old
married couple like them along

would sort of cramp our style.

Viv?

Let's go, Bradley boy.

It was nice meeting you.

Don't wait up for me, mumsy.

I have a feeling I may
be out very late tonight.

I'm so glad your number came up.